Tuesday, December 21, 2004

My Best Friend Mary

My best friend Mary is 33 years old, which, for the record, is about 6 1/2 years older than me. She has long red hair, is FREAKISHLY tall, and believes that she has a big fat ass. She doesn't actually have a big fat ass, but it is hilarious watching her think that she does. Mary grew up outside of Toledo, Ohio, where as a child she was raised by a family of cows. Wait, sorry, that should be her family raised cows. My bad (although it would explain her penchant for thorough chewing). She has a little brother named Matt, who hates the Grand Ole Opry, a dad named Jim (otherwise called "that guy who lives here" by Mary's little cousin) and a mom named Cinnamon*, whose birthday was last Thursday when Mary forgot to call her.

Mary attended Miami University of Ohio, back in the olden days when they were the Redskins instead of the Redhawks. I find this particular fact amusing since I myself attended Ohio University, which is their rival school (they wish they could drink like us, we wish we could look that good in a pair of khakis).

Later on in life she took a step backwards by moving to Cincinnati and going to work for a brokerage firm. Note to readers: Mary advises that people who wish to maintain their sanity should not work for brokerage firms. Several years later, after realizing her mistake, she moved here to Cleveland.

In Cleveland, Mary met her boyfriend Rob while volunteering in community theater. Rob is extra nice, because not only does he put up with Mary, he also frequently puts up with me, which shows a strength of character few people possess. We like Rob and reward him by making out. Wait, no, that's just how he wishes we would reward him. We don't actually make out. Sorry about that.

Mary rarely drinks to excess, but when she does it's a show not to be missed. Once we were having movie night and Mary was having some wine. Next thing I know she's apparently channeling Dr. Seuss, because everything out of her mouth was rhyming ("You gotta go? Say it ain't so!"). This weekend at Tai's, whilst throwing back the gin and tonic (i.e. truth serum) she went on a confessional jag trying to convince me what a bad person she was ("One time, in college, I kissed this guy. On the LIPS! And now I can't remember his birthday. I'm such a whore!"). Also she makes up stories that are hilarious. She convinced a guy who was hitting on us that I used to live in a crack house, and that while I lived there, two people were murdered in the house. The only bad drunk thing she ever did, and I don't think it was even drunkenness so much as an error in judgment, was to play ABBA on the internet jukebox at Tai's. It was met with a chorus of "Who played THIS? This fucking SUCKS! Holy shit, my ears are bleeding!" from everyone in the bar, including the guy who had just played songs from Andrea Bocelli and Social Distortion back to back.

Mary and I like to watch movies together. What we also like to do is memorize the entire script of every movie we've ever seen together, and then recite the lines to each other in front of people, or alternatively, sprinkle all our conversations with movie lines. Both of these things piss off our co-workers to no end, which of course is our goal. For further study of this phenomenon, please see her comment to my prior post, which contains a line that was completely ripped off from Anchorman.

Other fun facts about Mary:
  • Due to her allergies, she always carries about 27 boxes of Kleenex around in her car.
  • She is very concerned about our clients' confidentiality. Therefore, before she leaves for the day, she turns all the papers on her desk upside down, so that the janitorial staff can't read them. Unless, of course, they turn the page over.
  • She once bought a CD she had never heard, just because she liked the shiny cover.
  • She refuses to go in hot tubs, calling them "a smoothie of secretions".
  • 99% of the time, I can get her to do whatever I say.
In conclusion, despite her sometimes questionable taste in music, her near circus freak height, and the fact that her first ever comment on this blog was deliberately hurtful, Mary is my bestest friend ever and I would never ever trade her in for anything, because she makes me smile, and smiling's my favorite!

*Not her real name, but Mary wouldn't tell me how to spell it so I just made one up.


Adventure Girl said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

amberance said...

I just can't say mean things about her, even when I try! She really did forget her mom's birthday last week though. She feels really bad about it, so of course I'm rubbing it in wherever possible.

monogodo said...

I love your interesting use of punctuation. It makes the story very fun to read.

Eric said...

Punctuation? I found her use of letters made the blog interesting to read. Of course the single picture on the blog is now poster-sized and on my office wall, so maybe that also keeps me interested.

amberance said...

I write both words and punctuation in an attempt to convey the exact way it would sound if I were speaking directly to you.

Eric, you crack me up. Perhaps you should bring a camera to my birthday party.