Thursday, December 09, 2004

A Fragile Truce

Don't you just love it when you have a falling out with someone and you decide it's not worth maintaining a friendship anymore, so you write them off, and then 3 months later they come back and start acting like nothing ever happened? Of course you don't, because that's a dick thing to do, and it's annoying.

The Gander, my primary confidant-turned-arch nemesis has apparently decided I'm pretty darn neat after all. I had actually been debating calling a truce myself, not because I wanted to, but because I need some electrical work done in my kitchen and sometimes you just have to swallow your pride in order to sucker your friends into helping you out for free. But The Gander beat me to it.

His first overture was to offer me free Browns tickets. Out of the blue he walks into my office and says "One of the investment management firms we deal with rented out a suite for the Browns/Patriots game on Sunday. It's like a vendor meet-and-greet, of sorts. I have two extra tickets, I thought you and Mary might like to go. Open bar starting at 11."

"Wow," I said. "I'd LOVE to go. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm really flattered." I really was really flattered, the dude hadn't done anything but spit nails at me since August. It appeared to be one of the best olive branches ever.

"Well Jay, V-man, Brian and Tom are all going, and I already asked Tim and Dennis, and neither of them can go. So after that I thought of you." A-ha. So really what happened is he ran out of football fans in the office and, lest the tickets get wasted, was forced to offer them to me. A little bit of a let down, but he DID offer them to me and, hey, open bar starting at 11, who am I to complain? So that was nice.

Fast forward to yesterday. I'm at home last night watching a tape of Friday night's Star Trek: Enterprise episode (OK, I'm a GINORMOUS nerd, so sue me) and my phone starts ringing. Mind you, my phone doesn't ring much, largely because I have almost no friends, which may or may not be related to things such as the fact that I like Star Trek. So I'm a little startled, because I just paid all my bills so I don't owe anyone money and I can't think of another reason why someone would want to get in touch with me. But since I am a Star Trek nerd I ignore it because, damn it, I'm watching Star Trek right now! When it's over I grab my phone to see who called and am extremely surprised to see the words "1 missed call: Gander cell" blinking up at me like a beacon of confusion. I assume he's still at work and in the midst of a self-inflicted crisis, that he's lost something he Desperately Needs Right Now, and that he's calling to 1) ask me where the FUCK CHRIST the GODDAMN FUCKING thing is or 2) accuse me of never sending it to him. I decide I had better call him back before he has an aneurysm.


"Hey, it's Amber."

"Oh, hi."

Long pause.

"Um, I saw you called. Did you need something?"

"What? Oh. No. I was just out drinking with [007], and he really wanted to talk to you." 007 is one of our clients. One of our most demanding clients and our single biggest revenue source. I don't work on that account, and therefore I don't ever have any occasion to talk to him. What's more, I had been under the impression that he was only peripherally aware of my existence.

"He wants to talk to ME? What for?"

"I don't know. Here, let me put him on."


"Amber? Hey, it's [007]. I'm with one of your clients...?"

"Yes [007], I know that. How are you?"

"I'm real good, thanks. Listen, I was at your place today, and I was going to stop by your office and talk to you, but [The Gander] dragged me into another room for a conference call." The conference call was the only reason he was in our offices in the first place. "[The Gander] tells me you're leaving the company."

"Yes, I'm moving to Chicago."

"Wow, that's great for you. I know [The Gander] will be sorry to see you go. He thinks very highly of you, you know. You'll have to come back sometime and we'll all go out and have a drink." ?????????????????????????????????

"Sure, [007], that would be great. Thanks so much." Thanks for what? I'm reeling; I can't think of a single coherent thing to say.

"Ok, well I'm going to give you back to [The Gander], I know he really wanted to talk to you."




"Ok, I guess I'll see you in the morning then?"

"Sure." Right. What the fuck just happened? First of all, he has not mentioned to me once anything about my resignation. He has also spent the last 3 months meticulously explaining to me how very incompetent I am. But he's out telling a client how brilliant I am, and how my leaving is such a big blow to the company? And not only that, but apparently that I'm also a rip-roarin' good time at bars? I have no words.

Which brings us to today. The consultants all got new e-mail capable cell phones. The Gander is a total gadget-head, and must immediately drop whatever he's doing to try out each and every new feature. He comes tearing into my office. "We got new wireless devices! I just sent you an e-mail from it. Let's see how long it takes for it to get here!!!!" He's all fidgety, practically dancing as he stands beside my desk peering over my shoulder at my screen. He looks like a kid trying not to pee his pants. Twenty seconds later a little envelope pops up. "Open it!" he cries giddily.

I open it. "eat shit :)"

"Nice," I say.

"No, wait! Now you send me one and we'll see how long it takes to get to me!"

Exasperated sigh. "Alright." I type "you too" and hit send.

waiting....waiting...ding! He pokes the screen with his little stylus. "'You too.' Thanks a lot. HEHEHE!" He gives me his best Charlie Brown grin and skitters away like a chipmunk on crack.

Incidentally, I e-mailed Mary about the exchange and received the following reply: "It's kind of comical to think of how sometimes, that gadget will ding-ding some happy little tune, and then the little guy checking the corresponding email will turn red and his head will pop off." True that.
In the meantime, it appears I have my friend The Gander back. At least until some really minor thing goes wrong and he goes all "The Shining" on me. HEEEEERRE'S JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!


Eric said...

The Gander is horny. Your impending move has motivated his third-grade behavior. If you put your hair in pony tails tomorrow, he will tug on them.

H said...

A good swift punch to the throat will stop his annoying activity. And if not, you can just keep punching him in the throat. It'll at least be fun little glimmers of joy for you.