Mother Nature Sucks My Ass

At 7:00 am this morning my phone rang. Normally, if my phone rings at 7:00 am, it's my bartender, calling to tell me bar stories from the night before, or to bitch about what a cunt his roommate's girlfriend is (she really is). Today it was Bia, wanting to know if I was going to work.

For those of you who are not living in this part of the country, let me give you some background. It's been snowing like a mother fucker for over 24 hours. Actually, it snowed, then it rained, then it freezing-rained, then it snowed again, and it is still snowing. There is about 16 inches of snow on the ground, as well as standing water everywhere from the rain last night. I dug my truck out of the driveway this morning while standing in snow more than halfway up to my knees. It's wet sticky snowball makin' snow, and it's heavy. I nearly had a heart attack trying to scrape the stuff off my windows.

Bia wanted to know if I was going to work because she was worried about the Cherub. The Cherub didn't have anyone to back her up on phones today, and Bia was going to do it. However the roads where Bia lives are impassable and there was no way she was going to make it here, so since I live in the city and have 4 wheel drive she called to make sure I was going.

I had considered not going. The freezing-rain woke me up at 3 am and I looked out my window and said "Fucking A." Then I, erm, rocked myself back to sleep. When my alarm went off I looked out and saw that it was even worse than when I looked at 3, and the roads hadn't been plowed AT ALL (This was not a surprise. Cleveland never plows my neighborhood, or anyone else's for that matter. It sucks here, hence why I'm leaving). Today is only a half day at the office anyway, our company's little gift to us to kick start our holiday weekend. We close up shop at noon. It's even listed on the corporate calendar. I thought "Fuck the half day, fuck changing the back up tapes in the server room, fuck everything. I'm staying in bed with my cat." She was adorably sleeping on my head at the time. But then Bia called to see if I would go. And I felt bad for the Cherub, so I went.

Holy freakin shit! I have never, ever seen anything like that in my life. Dumbasses were out in cars, CARS! careening around like bumper boats in a hurricane. Visibility was...well, invisible basically. I myself felt like I was off-roading the way my big honking truck was handling in that miserable slush. And I'm out driving in it with my heart in my throat because even though I have 4 wheel drive, most other people don't, and I know one of them is going to spin right into me and kill us both. I'm not ready to die, I just got my life back for crying out loud! And I'm pissed off that no one has called from the office to say "We love you. Please don't go out and kill yourself for a half-day. Stay home and watch porn instead."

Next, Mary hits me up on the TM.

Mary cell: U R not going in R U?????
Me: Have to. Bia is not going, [Cherub] needs help on phones. Bad out. Don't go.
Mary cell: WHAT??? R U fucking kidding me? Why is the office even open?
Me: Who knows?
Mary cell: Call when you get there.

When I get here, the Cherub is sitting all cute and cherubic at the front desk. "Did Bia call you?" I asked.

"Yes. Thanks! I was the only one here until about 10 minutes ago, when [Captain Morgan] came in."

"Wow. I think it's going to be just us today. That will be fun."

WRONG. Twenty minutes later the CEO shows up. I think I've mentioned before, but I'll say it again anyway, the CEO's head is so far up his own ass he can see his lungs. "You made it!" I said to him. "Are you still alive?"

"Piece of cake," he said, grinning stupidly. The CEO truly believes he is the best at everything. Even driving his crudded up Lexus in the snow. "Seriously though, it's getting bad outside. [Cherub], why don't you stay til about 2, to answer the phone, and the rest of us, let's all go home at noon." And with that he walked away, whistling obliviously.

The Cherub stood there shocked. "He's kidding right? He has to be kidding. He's not going to make me stay here is he?" I was too dumbfounded to answer her. I mean, the guy is stupid, but his name is on the fucking door, you'd think he'd be know when his own office is closed. Fortunately for our stunned selves, Captain Morgan overheard this surreal exchange and informed the CEO that we were ALREADY closing the office at noon, as per the corporate calendar, and there was no reason for the Cherub to stay.

Someday I'm going to figure out how a guy that disconnected from any events transpiring around him got to be so successful. In the meantime, as it's nearly 12, I'm going to pack up my shit and go the hell home before I get snowed in here for the holidays.

P.S. With not being at work I'm not sure when if I'll get a chance to blog over the weekend. But you all should be spending time with your families anyway, so go be merry and I'll be back on Monday. Peace, love, and lots of Christmas gifts for you all. And Happy Birthday to my cat Kristen and my bartender Jeff, both Christmas Eve babies, and both a joy to be around. I'm out like the fat kid in dodgeball.