Working With The Gander
Seems like we are both having the same thoughts: three girls. I don't really see how it seems like I'm thinking of three girls. I said we used to talk about how we both liked her, not about how we'd like to enjoy her together. I assume that the Gander is a female? A gander is, in fact, a male version of a goose. Or that would be a goose? I do find your writing to be so interesting. Fascinating. Romantic. Sexy. Please post more, I'm getting wet. You are getting wet over my fascinating writing? I just posted the word "angry" 66 times. If that's all it takes to turn you on, you need to get out more.
From The Desk of the CEO...
I read all of your blogs. Thank you. Do you work for a brokerage firm or a bank? No, but in the same industry. It sounds exciting. It's not. You sound really interesting. I can relate to you. I bet you are really cute, maybe a bit of a tramp? How do you deal with it? Deal with what? Being a tramp? I'm not sure that I am. Sure, I like sex as much as the next gal, but I'm not running around the city humping people's legs. Can you give me some advice? I work with a gander too. Only she's a "goose" and makes uncomfortable sexual suggestions to me. When she enters a "gander" spasm, she rubs her breasts against me. Let me get this straight: you work with a woman who walks up to you and starts rubbing her boobies on you at random moments? Where do you work, a strip club? This seems really unusual. I mean, I've slept with co-workers before (not at this company) but I never at any time walked up to them in the office and started giving them a lap dance. I don't know if I should touch her or just run and hide. Your call dude. I got nothin. I'm so confused. That much is certainly clear.
Can you have meaningless sex with yourself? If it is worth the effort, then it must have meaning. Do you masturbate frequently? Does the CEO appear in your climactic thoughts? Could you love another woman who previously was a man? Even if she liked the taste of beer in a can? I would not do it with this man, I would not do it in this can, I would not could not on a train, I would not could not in a plane....i.e. lay off the goofy rhymes when questioning my sexual tastes because I assure you, my sexual tastes do not include Dr. Seuss.
Ask and You Shall Receive
Big brother teaches little sister the birds and the bees. You ARE a kinky one, aren't you? Talk dirty to me so more, Amber. Ok, first of all my brother is younger than me, and he reads this blog, so don't make me have him e-kick your ass. Second, incest is not kinky. It is gross and it is weird and it is...gross. And you are frightening me a wee bit.
You are the epitome of cool. Let me know when you're coming to Chicago. There are a few "meat packing" facilities I'd like to take you to...Meat packing facilities? Are you serious? Have you ever actually pick up a girl with that line? EVER? And by picked up, I mean someone who is live, not inflatable, and you didn't have to give her any money. I might be totally off base here, but I'm guessing no.
Another fine example of what not to do is my buddy Norm Here. Mary and I met Norm Here at the Cake concert in Columbus. Norm Here was so busy chatting me up he ended up missing half the concert. Here is a sample of our conversation:
Norm Here: What do you do?
Me: I do performance analysis for a consulting firm.
NH: I sell car insurance.
Me: Really? That's interesting.
NH: I bet you make a lot more money than me.
Me: Uh, maybe. Tell me about the car insurance.
NH: What kind of music do you like?
Me: (after a brief pause to collect myself from the abrupt change in topic) Well, funny you should ask that, Normy, because I've recently added punk music to the list of music I like, after an encounter with a couple of really cool punks I met in Chicago.
NH: So who do you like?
Me: Oh I don't know, Blink-182 is good...
NH: They suck. If you like punk music, you should listen to the Violent Femmes.
Huh? 1) The Violent Femmes are NOT punk rock. 2) I think I'm going to take my advice on punk music from actual punks, such as my spiky-haired, Social Distortion t-shirt wearing bartender, not from a guy who I met at a Cake concert sporting a Hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat.
So, what have we learned? If you're trying to pick me up you should avoid the following:
- Bringing up your own sexual confusion.
- Nursery rhymes.
- Corny-ass lines.
- Subjects you know nothing about.