Friday, December 03, 2004

How Not To Impress Me

I was going through my old posts today reading people's comments, and there seems to be an inordinate amount of nameless people wishing to get horizontal with me when I move to Chicago. I have to be honest, it's kind of a mystery to me as to why. Now some of my anonymous fans didn't start trying to woo me until after I posted my picture, so maybe they just think I'm hot. But a great many were writing some really bizarre stuff way before that. And while it does say in my profile that I like to be hit on (which is true so please don't stop), there are some guidelines you should probably follow if you intend to get anywhere. Let me give a few examples of what's not going to work:

Working With The Gander
Anonymous said...
Seems like we are both having the same thoughts: three girls.
I don't really see how it seems like I'm thinking of three girls. I said we used to talk about how we both liked her, not about how we'd like to enjoy her together. I assume that the Gander is a female? A gander is, in fact, a male version of a goose.
Or that would be a goose? I do find your writing to be so interesting. Fascinating. Romantic. Sexy. Please post more, I'm getting wet. You are getting wet over my fascinating writing? I just posted the word "angry" 66 times. If that's all it takes to turn you on, you need to get out more.

From The Desk of the CEO...
Anonymous said...
I read all of your blogs. Thank you. Do you work for a brokerage firm or a bank? No, but in the same industry. It sounds exciting. It's not. You sound really interesting. I can relate to you. I bet you are really cute, maybe a bit of a tramp? How do you deal with it? Deal with what? Being a tramp? I'm not sure that I am. Sure, I like sex as much as the next gal, but I'm not running around the city humping people's legs. Can you give me some advice? I work with a gander too. Only she's a "goose" and makes uncomfortable sexual suggestions to me. When she enters a "gander" spasm, she rubs her breasts against me. Let me get this straight: you work with a woman who walks up to you and starts rubbing her boobies on you at random moments? Where do you work, a strip club? This seems really unusual. I mean, I've slept with co-workers before (not at this company) but I never at any time walked up to them in the office and started giving them a lap dance. I don't know if I should touch her or just run and hide. Your call dude. I got nothin. I'm so confused.
That much is certainly clear.

Anonymous said...
Can you have meaningless sex with yourself? If it is worth the effort, then it must have meaning. Do you masturbate frequently? Does the CEO appear in your climactic thoughts? Could you love another woman who previously was a man? Even if she liked the taste of beer in a can?
I would not do it with this man, I would not do it in this can, I would not could not on a train, I would not could not in a plane....i.e. lay off the goofy rhymes when questioning my sexual tastes because I assure you, my sexual tastes do not include Dr. Seuss.

Ask and You Shall Receive
Anonymous said...
Big brother teaches little sister the birds and the bees. You ARE a kinky one, aren't you? Talk dirty to me so more, Amber.
Ok, first of all my brother is younger than me, and he reads this blog, so don't make me have him e-kick your ass. Second, incest is not kinky. It is gross and it is weird and it is...gross. And you are frightening me a wee bit.

MINI Cooper
Anonymous said...
You are the epitome of cool. Let me know when you're coming to Chicago. There are a few "meat packing" facilities I'd like to take you to...
Meat packing facilities? Are you serious? Have you ever actually pick up a girl with that line? EVER? And by picked up, I mean someone who is live, not inflatable, and you didn't have to give her any money. I might be totally off base here, but I'm guessing no.

Another fine example of what not to do is my buddy Norm Here. Mary and I met Norm Here at the Cake concert in Columbus. Norm Here was so busy chatting me up he ended up missing half the concert. Here is a sample of our conversation:

Norm Here: What do you do?
Me: I do performance analysis for a consulting firm.
NH: I sell car insurance.
Me: Really? That's interesting.
NH: I bet you make a lot more money than me.
Me: Uh, maybe. Tell me about the car insurance.
NH: What kind of music do you like?
Me: (after a brief pause to collect myself from the abrupt change in topic) Well, funny you should ask that, Normy, because I've recently added punk music to the list of music I like, after an encounter with a couple of really cool punks I met in Chicago.
NH: So who do you like?
Me: Oh I don't know, Blink-182 is good...
NH: They suck. If you like punk music, you should listen to the Violent Femmes.

Huh? 1) The Violent Femmes are NOT punk rock. 2) I think I'm going to take my advice on punk music from actual punks, such as my spiky-haired, Social Distortion t-shirt wearing bartender, not from a guy who I met at a Cake concert sporting a Hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat.

So, what have we learned? If you're trying to pick me up you should avoid the following:

  • Bringing up your own sexual confusion.
  • Nursery rhymes.
  • Incest.
  • Corny-ass lines.
  • Subjects you know nothing about.
I hope you find this advice helpful. For other helpful hints, check out my pals Pronto and Eric, who seem to be able to hit on me and appear outwardly normal at the same time. Kudos to you guys. I'm going to go think up some voyeurism stories for Pronto now, as a reward for his ability to not creep me out.


11 comments:

Zzyzxmo said...

Shrug the clowns off. They exist for your amusement. They probably heard about your aquisition of a new Mini-Cooper and want to try and get "vertical" with you in it.( I haven't tried to get horizontal in one, and don't think I could.) Let us know if you are ever successful in doing so, and what the trick is.-Z

amberance said...

They do amuse me. They kind of remind me of the guys that lived in my dorm my freshman year of college, who went out and bought an inflatable sheep because "it was $5 cheaper than the inflatable woman". Uh, yeah. Later on someone "accidentally" ripped it's ear off. I don't know why and I don't know how and I don't ever want to know. But having friends with an inflatable sheep and "lamb lube" (not kidding) is entertaining in a way that nothing else can be. It's just that I'm never going to sleep with those guys. Or their lamb.

Eric said...

Be sure to cc me on the stories for Pronto. Does that make me a voyeur's voyeur or just a perv who has got you thinking I might be normal?

Eric said...

PS - Thanks for the compliment.

Pronto said...

Hey Amber .... thanks for including me in the list of 'pals' - and I'll try to remember to keep my rhyming to a minimum as well :0)

I was going to post you about the whole anonymity commenting thing (not anonymously, of course), and the inappropriateness of it all, in my opinion. But, you stole my thunder in a much more literate and humourous fashion.

Well done, wordsmith!

Anonymous said...

I . . . I just don't understand it all. I know why I read this, and how I came about to find it. But the rest of you, I . . . just don't understand.

Anonymous said...

If the anonymous person asked to take you to a sausage factory, would that get him a little closer to scoring?

amberance said...

Realistically? No. Hypothetically? Still no. Now, if he introduced himself as Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago, that would certainly get my attention...

Cap said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cap said...

I don't remember if I answered your question a few posts back, but yes, this is in fact your LITTLE brother who taught you ABSOLUTELY nothing about sex and in fact remained quite lame and prude infinitely longer than you.

Also, I don't want to e-kick (or really kick) anyone's ass, but I will if I have the proper motivation and opportunity. Feel free to hit on my sister at will...but follow her rules. I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever reply to those wacky comments....

Adventure Girl said...

Amber I totally hear you. I pop into your blog from time to time and I have been struck by these sorts of comments. Guys... a woman should be able to be sexy without being on the receiving end of freaky attention. There IS a line. Have a flirt be a little suggestive but don't outright say it. In all honesty it's tasteless, classless and as Ambs points out... do you HONESTLY expect to achieve anything by giving a woman the goosbumps (and I don't mean, in a good way)???