Tuesday, December 28, 2004

1153 and Me, Part 1

For those of you who don't know me personally, I need to give you some background on the whole 1153 saga. I haven't posted about it much (or at all) because it's still pretty fresh, and also I'm trying to attract readers, including male ones, and I know that talking about other guys when you're trying to attract guys is a BAD IDEA. Be that as it may, this is what I happen to be thinking about right this second, so I'm either going to write about this or not at all. I'll do my best to be irreverent as usual. So with no further ado...

The Introduction

I met 1153 a little over 4 years ago. A friend where I worked at the time had a buddy he went to high school with who was going through a divorce. Almost every day he would come into the office with stories about his friend's idiot lazy whore of a wife trying to stall the divorce that SHE asked for, mind you, so that she could live off her husband while fucking someone else for as long as possible. Chuckie tells a good story, and I laughed and laughed at the crazy woman, and at the man who, despite his wife's flagrant infidelity (she once came home drunk and told her husband "I have to go take a bath right now. I have cum in me."), was still holding out hope that she would change her mind and stop fucking firemen right in front of him. He was also apparently hoping she would get a job, learn to cook, take care of her children, clean up once in a while, and finish high school. It wasn't going well.

Chuckie had known 1153 for a long time, and they were good friends, so it hurt Chuckie's little heart that his long time buddy was being such a cuckhold about the whole thing. Chuckie, being a guy, decided the best way to help his friend get over his slutty spouse was to get him laid. One morning, Chuckie strolled into my office. "I should set you up with [1153]," he announced. Now, Chuckie is well aware that I'm part guy, at least in my head. I like to have sex and I like to talk about sex and I like to talk about the sex that I'm having. So Chuck has full knowledge of what a nympho I am. Years later, 1153 would tell me that Chuck had told him on the phone I was sure to put out, being such a whore and all. I chose to be amused rather than offended. I like Chuck.

One day after work, Chuckie, me, and Jarhead, who also worked with us, headed over to Harpo's for some beer. 1153 was supposed to meet us there. Chuckie saw him coming and pointed him out to me through the window. I grabbed Chuck's arm and very nearly ripped his sleeve off. Walking towards us was the most beautiful man EVER. European features with Asian coloring, a flat top haircut (he's a policeman, in case you didn't pick that up from the 1153 moniker) and dressed like he just walked out of a J. Crew catalog. He sparkled. He smelled good. I ran to the bathroom to change my underwear.

We all hung out and had a nice chat, over the course of which I learned he was friendly, intelligent, and had an offbeat sense of humor. He laughed at my jokes, told us police stories, and smiled pretty. Later we all played some Golden Tee. I caught him looking at my ass a couple times. I looked at his ass more than a couple times. We drank more beer. We joked about how much I flat out fucking suck at Golden Tee. I looked at his ass some more. I was smitten.

Too soon it was time to go. We all walked out to the parking lot together and 1153 said to me "It was nice meeting you."

"Nice to meet you too," I said.

"Cool. Well, drive carefully."

WHAT??????? WHAT????? DRIVE CAREFULLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? How about "Can I get your number?" or "Here's my number." or "Hey, wanna go fuck?" I am so totally floored at not hearing any of these things that I don't remember to say them myself. I got in my car and drove home. Alone. Solo. By myself. Confused as all get out. I found out later that he was afraid I didn't like him (um, didn't he see me looking at his ass?) and didn't want to be too forward, seeing as how he's a nice guy. Let me tell you something: Nice guys suck. SUCK. And as it was Friday, I had to wait all the way til Monday to accost Chuck and ask him what his friend's fucking problem was.


Zzyzxmo said...

This is the 21st Century. How about you asking 1153 if he would like to show you some "self-defense" moves after dinner and a movie?? When dealing with nice guys remember that you almost have to spell it out for them. They are usually more concerned with not hurting your feelings then satisfying their carnal desires. This guys soon to be ex has been handing him back his entrails on a plate and he is probably feeling a little shy. Restore his masculinity and self worth by providing him with a little mercy lust and let him know the sight of him makes you cream your jeans.-Be Well-

daniel said...

i love your talent for the written word.

I agree with sleepyaskhdk ^^ spell it out for us men. NICE guys need shit spelt out for them.. otherwise they will stand there staring intently at you while you make 101 "come and bang me" looks and gestures, waiting for you to make a "come and bang me" look or gesture.
I know this because (and i know you wont believe me) i am nice. And consequently spend far too much time with the pud in the hand and not on the table.
He is obviously an honourable person. Sweet talk him with mind-stuff like "don't be honourable.. you do that all day saving grannies and the like... your wife has a penchant for sliding down the firemans pole, and your not a fireman.. perhaps i can help you by identifying any areas that might need some work. (like between my legs)" or something similar.

daniel said...

ps. "being forward is the new being demure"

daniel said...

[quote]I'm trying to attract readers, including male ones,[/quote]

attracted. well.. reading.. well.. attracted.. well.
shit. madeamealofthat.com

amberance said...

Don't worry guys, I eventually got the guy...4 years worth of him. It's just part of the story. Stay tuned...