Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Converse With Me at Your Own Risk

Today, my co-worker came to my desk with an apron. Apparently some event company she's involved with gave it to her. She came by to discuss a comment made by another co-worker of ours, who felt that giving an apron as a gift to a woman is sexist. Something to do with our place being in the kitchen or something. Which it is. But anyway, she wasn't offended, because she likes to cook and, hey, free apron.

I had nothing to add on the sexist/not sexist debate. What I did say was, "You know what would be good? A bottle of sangria!" Understandably she looked at me like I had three heads. This is because that comment seems random to anyone not living inside my head. But it made perfect sense to me because this is what was happening inside my head:

An apron as a gift? You could put an apron in a basket with maybe a rolling pin or some cookie cutters or something. That would make a nice gift. One time I got a nice gift in a basket. It had pasta and some sauce and a bottle of sangria in it. Oh, sangria!

But of course, the actual conversation went more like:

"Check out my apron."
"I like sangria!"

This is why I know that if you don't like me, it's not because you think I'm boring.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Ways My Life Will Change With No Mortgage to Pay

  • I will be able to afford to buy groceries with a startling degree of regularity, and without borrowing money from Fish. These groceries will also feature things like meat, as opposed to Ramen noodles. (I might still get the Ramen noodles though, cuz I kind of like them.) Likewise, peanut butter will become an accessory rather than an entire meal.
  • I will no longer wonder things like "Will they really throw me out if I don't pay the rent this month?" and "Do I really need a phone?" and "Will Kristen die of hypothermia if I set the heat at 60?"
  • I will no longer have the option of threatening to move back to Cleveland every time someone in Chicago says something I deem not very nice. (Fish and the bartender's lives will also change by not having to listen to these threats.)
  • I can actually order alcohol at dinner instead of "just a water". I fucking hate water.
  • I will visit the dentist every 6 months, just like I used to. (Shadup, I like going to the dentist.)
  • I will see all the things in Chicago that I should have gone to check out last year, such as the Field Museum and Shedd Aquarium. I will eat in restaurants and not have to look like a fool anymore when I'm the only person in the room who hasn't eaten somewhere. I will also visit bars that are not called Tai's Til 4. (Maybe.)
  • No more giving hand jobs for crack!
  • I will pay someone else to do my laundry, instead of spending hours at Bubbleland folding my own t-shirts. As soon as the bartender shows me the proper procedure for this, because heaven knows I'm not going to actually speak to a human I'm unfamiliar with unless someone is there to hold my hand the first time. Money can only solve so many problems.
  • I will visit Kelly in Los Angeles, Heather and Amy in D.C., and Ashley in Arizona. Eventually. I swear.
  • I will join a gym. Who am I kidding, really? I will be able to afford to join a gym, I won't actually do it.
  • I will blog more. Because I will have more adventures. Because I will actually leave the house once in a while. Because I can afford to.
  • Hookers. Lots and lots of hookers. Maybe midget hookers. Maybe I'll even get you a hooker.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A Major Announcement

I sold my house today.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Walked Right Into This One

I posted a personal ad on Craigslist this week. I knew, of course, that the freaks would come out the woodwork, but I wasn't exactly prepared for the degree:

"I'm married/have a girlfriend, but it's alright because she's cool with it/doesn't know/wants to join us". I'm sorry, no. Not even so much because you have a wife, but because you can't read. That part where I specifically asked you not to be in a relationship? I believe I even went so far as to say "Separated means you are in a relationship". Kindly get the hell out of my face.

"Hey baby, your sexy! r u available right now? lets get down lol" There are so many reasons why you get no date I don't even know where to begin. First of all, my sexy what? The sexy, that I seem to be in possession of, seems to have done something worthy of an exclamation point, but what? Please clarify. "r" I available right now? No. No I'm not. You know that I don't actually know you right? The odds that I'm going to show up at your house and do you right now? Not nearly as good of your odds of being a psycho with feet in the freezer. Even if you're not, if you're too lazy to actually write out the words "you" and "are", I'm going to guess you're too lazy to be worth my time or effort. I mean, I know they're monumentally long words and everything, but still.

"Hey, I'm 19! Always wanted to try going out with an older woman!" Hey, I'm 28! Fuck you!

"you better not be a bot/some gay guy." You are in no position to be making demands at this time. Move along.

No text at all, just a photograph of a penis. This, really, was insane. I must have gotten over a hundred of these. I don't understand the compulsion to do this, for one thing. Never in my life have I had the urge to photograph my vag and e-mail it to strangers. It's the anonymity of it that causes it I think. I mean, I'm guessing here based on the fact that I have yet to have a guy walk up to me in a bar and whip his dick out by way of introduction. Maybe I'm just going to the wrong bars. Hard to say. Speaking of hard, you'd think that's the image these gentlemen would like to project, but not all of them apparently. Sending pictures of your limp wee in the shower might not be the best idea kids. Likewise, photographs of it in some girl's mouth. The photograph of it in some guy's ass and the second guy's up some girl, captioned "This would be hot!" definitely did stand out though. Good job on that! Unfortunately, it was not in a good way and I had an uncontrollable urge to hit delete. And then gouge my eyes out with a spoon. A little warning next time, buddy, so I know not to open it? Thanks. 'Pershiate it.

Now With 50% More Amberance!

I found this great website (ok, ok, so I saw it in a MySpace bulletin, I'm a dork, get over it) that generates advertising slogans. Obviously they're not as good as the subtitles I've historically chosen for Bizzybiz, but some are still pretty good:

The good Amber Kids go for!
My doctor says 'Amber'.
Loves the Bizzybiz you hate.
I was a Bizzybiz weakling.
Super douchebagotry is almost here.
Too orangey for douchebagotry.
The appliance of shitpencil.
I'm not gonna pay a lot for this shitpencil.
Promise her anything, but give her rum.
I'm only here for the rum.

Monday, May 15, 2006


JoE: you've gotta try this one night when you're cooking
PGS DenMILF: I'm not cooking naked for you people
JoE: a nice thick juicy chicken breast, BBQ sauce, some thick bacon with melted mozzarella over it
PGS DenMILF: sounds lovely. needs garlic
JoE: that could work
JoE: maybe some seasoning on the chicken while it's cooking
PGS DenMILF: yes. i'll have to think that through
JoE: still need to let a brutha in on the amazing biscuit recipe!
PGS DenMILF: oh yes. i'll try to remember to bring it with tomorrow
PGS DenMILF: i such need internet at home
PGS DenMILF: and, well, a computer too prolly
JoE: unless you've got a port somewhere up your ass...a computer would probably be best

Scenes From A Neighborhood Bar

MrSteve: (after smelling a new blueberry flavored vodka) It's like a demented muffin.
Me: I like demented muffins!
Gene: You ARE a demented muffin.


Pete: Hey, you should go eat sushi with us!
Me: No. Sushi I'll go to that place where you go eat sushi off the girl, and be the girl, but I won't eat sushi.
(long pause)
Pete: We can get you noodles.


(A bottle of whiskey labeled Paddy's sits on the counter)
The bartender: This is the whiskey all the Irish guys drink.
Me: Huh. "Paddy's." Who knew?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Amberance Reviews the Internet

You may have noticed that my blog has no permanent links in the sidebar. There are several reasons for this. For one thing, I don't understand the etiquette of the linking thing. Do you link to all your friends or just the ones you actually think are funny? What about people who link to your blog that you don't read? Do you have to link them back? If you don't will they get mad and unlink you? The whole thing makes me nervous. Mostly though, I'm just too lazy to go into the template and change the code.

There are, however, a whole bunch of really neato things out on the internet that I'd really like to share. So rather than do the work of adding them all in a sidebar, I'm just going to write a normal, run of the mill post and review them for you here. Aren't you excited? Right. Anyway, in no particular order:

Are you like me and 73%* of the other Americans who are completely addicted to Sudoku? Then for God's sake man, DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK! Billions of free Sudoku puzzles to be solved, all online, all the time. Not only that, but it will keep track of how many games you've played and your average solving time. AND it gives you stats as to how well you stack up in time against the other Sudoku addicts (provided you don't mess up, dummy). For crying out loud, do not do this to yourself.

Having a bad day? Life got you down? Then may I suggest The Daily Kitten. Every day at 10:07 a.m. Eastern, you will find a brand new photograph of someone's sickeningly adorable kitten doing something sickening adorable. It is impossible to not be happy after checking out these kittens. Beware of this site if you feel you are in danger of becoming the crazy cat lady, because this is the site that will push you over the edge. You've been warned.

Speaking of cats, did you know they have their own MySpace thingy? They do. It's called Catster and there are dozens of cute kitties there with pictures and ratings and even their own blogs if they want (and can type). I bring this to your attention because of my addiction to The Travails by Tuesday the Cat. You may know Tuesday from her cameos on Heather's blog, but I bet you didn't know she was a writer herself. Aside from her astute observations about birds and humans, her sage advice can be solicited every Friday in her inspiring advice column. I recommend her latest advice on what a cat would do with a million dollars where she brilliantly equates wisdom with the ability to fit into small spaces.

While we're at it with Heather, you can thank her (profusely) for introducing me to this completely insane story called John Dies at the End by David Wong. Filled with meat monsters, exploding people, talking dogs, Fred Durst, and people gleefully ripping off their own limbs, you will never be so frightened and confused while laughing this hard in your life. If you like it, I recommend buying the paperback as well. We should be supporting David Wong so that he can afford to buy the drugs that will make an equally brilliant sequel possible.

I believe I may have mentioned before my favorite web comic Cyanide and Happiness. But did you know they are now doing Cyanide and Happiness animated shorts? You can laugh your balls off here and here. I think there are other things to do on this website, but I haven't actually checked them out. Sorry about that.

If you enjoy any of the following:

punk rock
supporting new music
creative insults
British accents and/or people
making fun of emo kids
purple burglar alarms**

alone or in combination, I strongly suggest you check out the world's most hilarious podcast, Punky Radio. It is hosted by Paul B Edwards and Tony Hearn, who also do a show called "Punk and Disorderly" on Mansfield 103.2 FM. That's in England. I've never heard it, because I don't live in England, but I'm sure it's great, though probably has much less swearing and general douchebagotry. You can subscribe to the podcast via Podcast Alley or iTunes or probably however you want really. If you visit Podcast Alley please vote for them, as there are some goofy crybaby emo kids who desperately need to get bitch-slapped. Also leave a comment, because if it doesn't suck they'll read it on the show. The Punky! website has links to everything, including websites for most of the bands they play and their MySpace page. Rock on, smacktards.

A perfect blend of wackiness and sarcasm is a rare thing to find, which is why I was so freakin pleased when I discovered The Sneeze. Steve is a comedy-nerd genius, from his experiments with chocolate breast milk in Steve, Don't Eat It! to his recent assertion that cookies are "the tits of food". I would especially recommend any post involving his son.

So there you have it: everything worth checking out on the Internet (besides porn).

*Statistics courtesy of***
**It would make more sense if you downloaded the show. Think of it as added incentive.
***Not a real website.

Monday, May 01, 2006

If You Want Something Done Right...

You know you're turning into a total bitch when you fire someone from painting their own new house. Which is what I did yesterday while trying to help the owner add a little color to his recently purchased condo. Dude can't paint, seriously. I demoted him to moving the ladder around for me. It was all he could be trusted with.