Friday, August 31, 2012

The Invasion Continues

me: there was another spider in my living room last night

H-Town: wtf, amber
burn your apt down

me: right? i might have to move
luckily it stayed where it was all night so the bartender could kill it when he got home

H-Town: a HUGE spider keeps building a web across our back lawn
I don't know how they do that
I walk into it every morning
and yesterday HE WAS ON IT


H-Town: OH GOD
thankfully he didn't get on me
but I did say, out loud, "Holy crap, you're a huge fucker!"
thankfully no neighbors were outside

me: you'd think he would get tired of you ruining his hard work every day and go somewhere else

H-Town: I know that's what i was hoping
the huge ones on our front porch got the hint when i kept destroying their webs with a broom each day
only took two days, they figured it out moved it off to the side

me: they should have a talk with him

H-Town: spider meeting
"come on, man, stop trying to catch humans. it won't work"

me: "it's really not worth the effort. you're better off hanging out over here with us. we have some great flies."

H-Town: "We're right by the front porch light - it's a freakin' buffet, man."

For those of you keeping track at home, that's EIGHT spiders in my house in two weeks. EIGHT OF THEM.

H-Town apologizes for not reading more (i.e. at all) this week. She has good excuses though. Wednesday was her birthday. She's going camping this weekend for some reason. And today is her 10th wedding anniversary. Please join me in congratulating H-Town and A-Town on 10 years of destroying the sanctity of straight marriages everywhere. Ladies, I love you both. Or, more creepily, I love you both, ladies.

Monday, August 27, 2012

50 Heaves Drier

H-Town and amberance read and review 50 Shades Darker so you don't have to.

me: How can a book as ridiculous as this one have jumped the shark?
 it should not have been able to get more stupid

I am running out of ways to describe how much I hate it

Chapter 13 opens with Ana facing down Leila who is standing there in Ana's kitchen pointing a gun at her. To Ana's credit, she does repeatedly wonder if Ethan is ok. It is the only thing I'm willing to give her credit for in this entire chapter. Ana asks Leila if she's alone, touching off a repetition of the word "alone" from Leila as though the record is skipping, then asks for the gun causing a disturbing gollumesque scene of Leila petting it and insisting it's all she has left. Leila's movements are described as "unnatural" and James would have us believe she's never heard of the word inadequate: "'In-ad-e-quate.' She tests the word, sounding it out, seeing how it feels on her tongue." Leila is one very sad android.

Suddenly, Christian and Taylor burst through the door to save the day like knights in shining douche water. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID. I can't even be mad anymore. It's like I have battle fatigue. When Christian comes in the room, Leila goes into automated submissive mode. She immediately puts down the gun, drops to her knees, puts her hand on her thighs, and points her eyes at the floor. I am actually still naive enough to think this is a good thing - the threat is eliminated, everyone can relax. Everyone, that is, except Ana: "Christian's expression is raw, full of some unnamed emotion. It could be pity, fear, affection...or is it love? No, please, not love!" Good god, the word you are looking for is COMPASSION. It should be in the thesaurus you have shoved up your snatch, right next to pity in fact. But no, everything in this universe and in every unseen parallel universe revolves around ANA, so instead we are treated to NINE PAGES worth of Ana thinking, both to herself and out loud, that Christian doesn't want her anymore because he is in love with a filthy waif on the floor of her apartment who ANYONE can see is in desperate need of someone to help her. EXCEPT FOR ANA.

me: really, all i have to say about the entire chapter is exactly what christian said to her
"This is not about you, Ana"

H-Town: dumb stupid crap

me: some of my notes:
HOLY ASS SPACKLE you know what she means.

H-Town: those are epic

me: I wanted to take the gun and shoot Ana myself

H-Town: yes, I was thinking, "Shoot! Hurry, shoot!"

me: get out of the apartment! no! get out of the apartment! no! get out of the apartment!
"I think he's trying to convey some sort of message"
ACTUAL FUCKING LINE (Christian tells Ana to leave the apartment FOUR TIMES before that sentence appeared. And in the end, Taylor had to pick her up and carry her outside.)

Downstairs, Ana finds out to her relief that Ethan had just got there and had never been in the apartment. She promptly bursts into tears (because Christian might love Leila, not because she narrowly escaped being shot). She tells Taylor, she TELLS Taylor - I'm repeating this because you'll need it later - that she and Ethan are going to go get a drink. Conveniently there is a bar directly across the street, and they sit, we are told, "by the window". They proceed to get drunk whilst Ana tells Ethan all about Leila and how sad she is that Christian is probably about to leave her. Once she is good and loaded (alcohol being the perfect balm for the "hideous blossoming pain" in her heart), Ethan walks her home, where she finds Christian has worked himself into a frenzy wondering where she was because she'd left her purse in the car.

H-Town:he couldn't find her
yet he can stalk her in every other way?

me:oh that was a great line
"I couldn't even track you!"
Tomorrow they will be installing a GPS locator inside her head to fix that problem

H-Town: well, he's tried installing himself into her vagina enough times

me: BOOM

After Ana breaks down, they go through another insane round of co-dependant bullshit showing us once again that they both are entirely too insecure for an adult relationship and also that they never, ever listen to what the other has to say. Please don't leave me! No, you don't leave! No YOU don't leave! Which goes on until finally, inexplicably, Christian gets down in the same submissive posture Leila had been in earlier.

me: So I'm very confused at the end of 13/beginning of 14 what submissive Christian was all about

H-Town: desperation?
not a clue

me: she's not in the lifestyle. that reaction would make no sense to her. and didn't

H-Town: well, no one said Christian was smart
besides Ana, anyway
a pencil would seem smart to Ana

Chapter 14 consists entirely of a conversation that is so bizarre and goes absolutely nowhere, I wound up taking almost no notes for the entire first half of it. But eventually we find out this: the reason Christian is so afraid Ana will leave, and the reason all his submissives have looked just like Ana, is because that is what his mother looked like, and as a sadist, he needs them to look that way so he can pretend he's whipping his terrible, terrible mother. And then apparently fucking her afterward. I don't even know anymore.

me:let's see, blah blah blah melodrama
this entire chapter needs to die in a fire.
every single word of it
oh right, after pages and pages of oh my poor broken damaged christian i must save him! then she's like "You're a fucking sicko!"

H-Town: "i screw little girls who look like my crackwhore mom"
nice, real nice

me: i can't even process that. as a participant in the lifestyle, that she would even fucking go there is too insulting for me to think about it

H-Town: and then she closes it out with a cherry on top "deviant sexual life style"
Eat a bowl of whale dicks, EL

me: Mommy issues is not a some kind of common problem in this community
but H-Town, there is only one way he can be sure that she won't run away from him

H-Town: mawwiage

Seriously, he proposes. And the reason he proposes is so that he'll stop being afraid that Ana might run away now that she knows he has mommy issues and doesn't understand the term sadist.

H-Town: no one ever runs from marriage, Amber
NO ONE (this is funnier if you know that I have planned to get married three times in my life, and then turned around and decided NOT to do that three times.)

me: FIVE GODDAMN WEEKS, first of all
and yeah

H-Town: because they are teens

me: Christian lives in a magical fantasyland where no one has ever gotten divorced
Then more eating
I'm hungry, but you said something i don't like so now I'm not hungry

H-Town: and then THEY FIGHT AGAIN

me: oh AND
James calls macaroni and cheese "nursery food"
I took personal exception to that
and it proves that she's never met a live American in her entire life
because ALL AMERICANS love mac and cheese FOREVER
we DEEP FRY that noise and call it a delicacy

The fight starts when Ana tells Christian that she was having a drink with Ethan that whole time she was "missing", and Christian immediately turns into a jealous rage monster. It continues with her asking in an accusatory tone what he'd been doing with Leila that whole time, and then gets an answer for which she is legitimately upset.

me: i liked the part where she was all "two can play at this game"
and tries to make him jealous about Ethan
I wrote in my notes "everyone is blindingly jealous all the time because love should make you feel angry and paranoid constantly"
in that fight though, i do have to say
seriously, you gave her a bath?

whatever Christian, you just wanted to see her boobs and cootch again
just be honest

me: i hope you don't mind i GAVE HER YOUR CLOTHES
has he even met Ana?

H-Town: I ogled and touched her in the tub, then gave her your clothes
Now, suck my dick because it's dreamy and covered in Mac n Cheese and I'm Christian Grey

me: she freaks out when total strangers eye fuck him from 100 yards away, but no, go ahead and dress your ex lover that almost just killed me in my clothes, I'm cool with it

H-Town: oh, earlier she had a sentence about "whipping and caning and shit"
and I thought she'd said "Whipping and canning.'
And I thought, now there's a pastime
whipping, while canning some veggies for the winter
pleasure and pain

me: hang on I'll hit you again in a minute, i just have to finish canning these apricot preserves

H-Town: "Smells delicious! NOW HIT ME AGAIN, BITCH."
aaaand scene

me: S and Martha Stewart

After the fight, Ana storms off to go to bed and winds up in a Lifetime Movie Network special.

me: So much to process!
here let me just crumple up dramatically on the bathroom floor and sob like they do in the movies
I've cried on the bathroom floor too, but not over an abusive boyfriend playing happy tub time with a crazy broad and them asking me to marry him right after
usually it's just because i drank too much
sob sob "why did i drink 9 margaritas?"
for example
so, Chapter 15
sad sad christian has a scary dream because Ana was thirsty (Ana gets up to get a drink, and in the 5 minutes it takes her to do this, Christian somehow magically knows in his sleep that she has left the bed and therefore starts having a nightmare.)

H-Town: She was SO FAR AWAY

me: how did his body know she left while he was still sleeping?

H-Town: his penis went on a journey to Great Vagina Cave, but it wasn't there so he freaked out

also apparently she has to lay in bed all night long no matter what so christian can find his happy place until the end of time i guess?
she's going to have to start wearing Depends to bed

All is forgotten from the fight earlier because you see guys? He NEEDS her. So they fuck first and then talk about their feelings. They stay up so long talking about them that she winds up being late to work in the morning.

me: before she left for work
he says she should marry him because "we can get to know each other then"

H-Town: oh my god yes
Because that's how marriage works
I met A-Town two days before we got married
We like excitement and awkward discussion

me: that's totally the best order for that to happen
you should have had the baby first, then met her, then got married immediately, then got to know each other
you failed

H-Town: She's late to work and Jack is an angryface and he wants her to type up a letter he wrote.
He actually wrote a letter by hand despite having a computer then he wants her to type it up

me: this dude is allegedly in publishing?


me: also, make 100 copies of that and snail mail them to all our authors.
don't send them an email or anything, they'd never see that because writers don't use computers either
I like how we're supposed to think Jack is an asshole because he expects her to show up on time and do her job

H-Town: and she still fucks away with time emailing Christian

me: whatevs, i was only 15 minutes late, why can't i email my boyfriend all day and constantly take personal calls? (In the course of the day, after she was already late to work on her 8th day at this job, she takes calls from Jose, Ethan and Mia. In the conversation with Ethan, she calls her boss "nasty and ugly", then realizes he's looking right at her. Classy.)

H-Town: We all know work is for working, and for gchatting about stupid books.

me: he wants me to get coffee and bring him lunch? what am I, his assistant?
Ana Steele, assistant to Jack Rapist Hyde
also, she won't use her blackberry no matter how many fucking times Christian tells her, therefore TIME TO FIGHT
this line was awesome "I make my way to the copy machine - which, of course, is suffering from a paper jam - and when I've fixed it, I find it's out of paper."
must have been jammed with that fancy imaginary paper i guess

H-Town: "Oh hey, there's my hairbrush!"

me: "christian must have left my underwear in there"
it's suffering from a jam jam.
never do whipping and canning in the copy room

Ana spends the entirety of the day complaining that her angry boss is asking her to do things, every single one of which is part of her job description. We are supposed to feel that her boss is unreasonable, and that this is because he is angry at her not for being late and then refusing to work, but for having a boyfriend. Because she actually has to do some work for once, several of Christian's emails go unanswered. He panics that something terrible must have happened to her because no one in this book understands how working works. And then, of course, James ends the chapter with something terrible about to happen to her. After hours when the office is deserted, her creepy boss corners her in the kitchen, closes the door behind him and: "His lips twitch into a grotesque smile, and his eyes gleam deep, dark cobalt. 'At last, I have you on your own,' he says, and he slowly licks his lower lip."

H-Town: did you read chapter 16? with Jack McCreepy RapeHyde

me: no not yet
I am looking forward to that because at the end of 15 I wrote "Rapist boss is rapey"

H-Town: yeah, wait til you read that chapter you will want to set something else on fire

me: one other thing, from when she's zoning out at lunch wondering if she should marry an abusive stalker who wants to fuck his dead mom

H-Town: i skimmed that section SO HARD

me: he needs to learn little things, like empathy and boundaries
he needs to learn little things, like how to be a HUMAN BEING
he's completely out of control and can't relate to other people at all, but hey, no big whoop
even now I'm still stunned that people think this is a romance

H-Town: I saw someone reading it on a Kindle the other day and I wanted to knock it out of their hands like I was blocking them from a bullet or something all slo-mo
then the crowd nearby applauds

me: you should get a medal for that
maybe this is why i suck at relationships.
because i keep forgetting the rules
abuse is romantic and being rich excuses you from being a douchebag

H-Town: "Oh Amber, I love you."
"I'm stalking you."
that's how it always is

me: in all fairness, that last part is basically true
"Hi Amber, I have a pulse!"
"Well then do me!"

H-Town: You're not like that
You're much more nuanced.
"Hi Amber, I have a pulse. Wanna do it?"

me: you caught me. I just wanted to use "do me" in a sentence

Sunday, August 26, 2012

They Are Mobilizing

Current status - Wide awake at 3 in the morning in my bed with all the lights on and writing a blog post on my iPad. My laptop would be easier, but it's in the living room and I can't get it. Why? Because the spider was or is still in there.

My newest readers probably don't know this yet, but spiders have been trying to kill me for years, and recently they seem to have stepped up their game considerably.

They started with psychological warfare. This is partly my fault for letting Mrs. Sizemore talk me into a midnight showing of The Amazing Spider-Man, but seriously, I'd already seen the Toby Maguire version and was expecting a similar origin scene - a single cartoonishly blue and red spider gets out and bites him. It's not the best thing for me to watch, but I can handle it. What I was not expecting was an origin scene where Peter Parker winds up covered in HUNDREDS of realistic spiders, and that the one that bit him would keep popping up in AT LEAST three more scenes. I did my best to look at the floor, but the damage was already done, and that, THAT is all the opening they need. What followed was a good three weeks of nearly daily nightmares about spiders, no doubt beamed there through the crack in my psyche from some secret laboratory on the other side of my bedroom wall.

Once they had me on the ropes, the invasion started. First they sent a scout, one of their allies, a centipede. It showed up in my bathroom one day, running full speed up the shower curtain I had JUST HAD MY HAND ON like a giant asshole moustache. The bartender found it later that day and put it outside instead of killing it like a sane person. THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED. He obviously reported back to them because next came the vanguard. While the bartender was away, I decided to make some cookie dough for dinner one night, but on opening the cabinet, a smallish black spider came running out and I screamed and ran away and vowed not to go back in the kitchen until the bartender came home. I decided to take a bath instead, since I was broken from stretching class. But as soon as I put the bathmat on the floor, the kitchen spider's identical buddy came crawling up the side of the tub. This was FIVE MINUTES after the kitchen thing happened. I managed to wash him down the drain (and then ran scalding hot water down it until there was no more hot water), but there was nothing I could do about kitchen spider except retreat to my room and lay in bed obsessing about all the ways it could have gotten ON ME.

This evening, after the bartender had left for work, because they know that I am UNDEFENDED, a spider came running across the living room floor I had JUST BEEN SITTING ON. Angela saw it and pounced, but unlike Kristen the angel kitty who would have eaten it immediately, Angela is Furry Satan and prefers to torture the bugs she finds to the point of madness without ever killing them. I texted the situation to the bartender at work, suddenly remembering that I'd heard the bartender kill one the prior morning when I was in bed and still half asleep. He helpfully texted back that in addition to that one, he'd killed two other spiders in the last two days, a fact I absolutely could have done without knowing THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So that's where things stand right now - six spiders and a centipede in my house in the last two weeks, all trying to get ON ME, the latest of which was being tortured into a murderous rage by my asshole cat who SUCKS at protecting me, and my roommate not due home for at least three more hours. I'll almost certainly be dead by the time he gets here. He'll come in my room to tell me about his night only to find my half-eaten corpse laying on the bed next to a note that reads "I TOLD YOU SO" and an army of evil arachnids standing on top of me in an arrangement that spells out "VICTORY!" It has always been just a matter of time before they finally got me.

It was a pleasure writing for you all.

UPDATE: Angela threw up this morning. The bartender theorized that perhaps she had eaten the spider. But I know her and she doesn't eat things, so I wasn't having it. "No she didn't," I told him. "I bet it spit poison on her! They were trying to neutralized the threat so they could get ON ME." Knowing I was already beyond hope, he immediately gave up and went to bed.

SECOND UPDATE: Now he's trying to tell me that all the spiders and centipedes lately are probably from when our neighbors cut down three huge trees in their yard, and all the critters that lived there are looking for someplace else to go. Yeah, sure. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT ME TO THINK.

THIRD UPDATE (8/29): I came home from class about an hour ago, and had just settled in on the couch with some delicious cheese and pretzels to watch Futurama when something on the ceiling caught my eye. GUESS WHAT IT WAS. The worst part was I had to sit in the room with it for 45 minutes waiting for the bartender to wake up and rescue me. It was an epic staring contest. He was thinking: "Go on, blink. Close your eyes for a split second, it's all I need." I was talking out loud to it: "You'd better not move. Do not start moving, you dick." He evaded the bartender's first two attempts to kill him, and wound up falling on the floor, causing me to jump up and run to the other end of the room. He was finally squished just before the cat got to him and she is NOT PLEASED that we broke her toy, so now I have two murderous animals to worry about. SEVEN. SEVEN IN JUST OVER A WEEK.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

For My UK Peeps

"He looks like how an alien would draw a person to try and prove that we exist. And no one would believe him and he would be a sad little outcast alien."

This is how I described the appearance of Boris Johnson yesterday.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Bonus Fifty Shades Review Material For Your Eyeballs And Earballs

While I was in Baltimore this weekend visiting H-Town, we took a few minutes out of our busy schedule for a special supplement to our Fifty Shades Darker review in the form of a dramatic reading of an email exchange between Christian and Ana from near the end of Chapter 12. For those of you who haven't read the books, and dear readers, I sincerely hope for your sake that it's most of you, whenever Christian and Ana email each other, two really annoying things happen (apart from the fact that they should be using instant messenger and not email in the first fucking place). One is that instead of just replying to the email that preceded it, they start a new email with a different subject line for every response. The other is that Christian edits his email signature EVERY SINGLE TIME, which not only makes him look like the world's most childish CEO, but also completely defeats the purpose of having a standard email signature in the first place. For these reasons, we left the subject lines and Christian's email signatures in for our dramatic interpretation instead of just reading the text of the emails. This exchange is representative of every email exchange Christian and Ana have ever had. Have fun pondering that while you're trying to fall asleep tonight.

The audio is very quiet for the first few seconds, but it gets better. Enjoy.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

50 Shrieks Higher

Chapter 11 begins with the dramatic resolution to the “Who will win this game of pool?” Mystery Theater. Turns out it’s Christian. They proceed to have some spanky sex right there on the pool table, as you do.

H-Town: chapter 11: Spanky Spanky

Me: Christian wins! TIME TO BANG

H-Town: this sentence make me el oh el
"I am hot and bothered and damp in all the right places."
I read it out loud to A-Town
and said, "I sure hope she doesn't mean her basement. Damp basements are a sign of a more serious problem."

Me: bothered and damp in all the right places, bothered and damp

H-Town: I should recommend a basement guy to her

Me: yeah, he can help her figure out what's wrong DOWN THERE

H-Town: Also, again, fuck her stupid inner goddess
all this goddam "my inner goddess prepares her floor dance routine" and "my inner goddess does a backflip"
I hope her inner goddess has a terrible training accident and ends up paralyzed

Me: as soon as I see "inne.." I skip to the next sentence

H-Town: good idea

Me: I got extremely angry in this sex scene.
See if you can guess why

H-Town: because this book sucks huge yak balls?

Me: yes, but there is another reason
"We're lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don't need safewords."

H-Town: That was my second guess

Me: exactly who DO you need a safeword with then? The gardener?
"I was thinking about putting some geraniums over..." "SAFEWORD! SAFEWORD!"

H-Town: when you're entering a seedy bar
no wait, that's a password
"bubbalicious! BUBBALICIOUS!"
(example safeword)

Me: Also completely stupid:
Here bend over naked and try to hit that ball
Now he JUST SAID he was going to spank her
and she says "It's so unexpected I yelp"
Also, here’s a thing that keeps bothering me
we haven't really addressed directly yet

H-Town: yes?

Me: all that shit she writes in italics

H-Town: Oh right, when he goes, "Now I'm going to give it to you"
and she's all WHAT? GIVE WHAT?!


H-Town: and all that HOLY COW, HE'S SO HOT
Stop saying holy cow
You are not robin of batman and robin

Me: Holy cow, Batman! What could “let me have it” mean?
It means that, tard wonder

H-Town: BAM!
oh wait

Me: Thesaurus is EL's safeword I bet


Me: I took a lot more notes on this sex scene than I thought actually
"He eases two fingers inside me and moves them in a circular motion"
Wow, he is amazing
That’s so different from all those other guys doing trapezoids in there

H-Town: I had hoped for trapezoid


H-Town: "he tries a parallelogram, and I lose my shit."

Me: he attempts a pentagram, but Jesus shows up and says "guess again"
ok, that's enough banging for one day
something I have never said in real life

The next day they both get up for work. In the spirit of “you aren’t allowed to leave your office because a girl I used to fuck might shoot you”, Christian has his house wench or whatever pack Ana a lunch. She is amazed at this because in all of her life she has never once brown bagged it to school. Ana gets to work and her first order of business is to begin emailing back and forth a bunch of nonsense with Christian. She is interrupted by her boss, Creepy McRapistpants, who tells her he’s going on a business trip to New York next week and needs her to come along. And stay overnight. Ana decides not to tell Christian right away and then does it anyway about four asinine emails later. True to form, Christian loses his shit, starts an argument with her over it, and eventually gets in touch with his magical “people” and has her trip blocked. She sends back a tirade of ANGRY CAPS LOCK about it that includes references to spanking, fucking, and whipping. Not for the first time, she’s using her work email account for this. Christian loses his shit some more, but his magical IT faeries are able to wipe the offending email from the server because that’s fucking likely.

H-Town: then she's at work and they act like fucking moron kids
seriously, Ana and Christian are those two friends you have that are dating and drive you insane because of all that stupid ass drama
you try to stay away from it, but it sucks you in
sort of like a Kardashian vagina


H-Town: their stupidity and drama have their own gravitational pull

Me: it's like a black hole of stupid
again, why does she continue to use her work email for personal shit?

H-Town: Black Hole of Stupid

Me: oh right, my bad

H-Town: oh and big surprise her boss is a creepster
another plot feature Stevie Wonder pointed out

Me: oh question: how does this shitpencil have a job? he harassed the two girls before Ana bad enough for them to quit, please explain how HR hasn’t fired him (Christian somehow has knowledge that the two assistants Jack had before Ana both quit due to his sexual harassment, though apparently this was never actually reported to anyone and he just knows it by magical telepathy. In the meantime, Jack has asked Ana to stay late and work on some edits to a memo. He then stands close enough to her to keep brushing up against her and watches her do it while asking her a series of inappropriately personal questions.)


Me: and speaking of HR, why doesn't she realize that is a viable option for making creepypants stop? he's brushing up against me, whatever do I do?


Me: you tell him to BACK THE FUCK UP before you saw his balls off with blunt scissors
but no
the answer is
of course
you mention that you are dating Christian Grey (This is precisely how she gets him to stop touching her. Actual thought from Ana: “You see, Christian? Even your name protects me.” Mother of Jesus, help me.)

H-Town: Ana: "Man, I have to take a massive dump. But there's no bathroom around!"
*bathroom appears*
and a dump is taken

Me: holy shit, Christian is the State Farm guy!
"Like a good neighbor, Christian is there!"
With a plunger!

H-Town: oh my god
Like a big stalker, Christian is there...WITH A DOSSIER ON ME!

Me: Like a huge asshole, Christian is there....TELLING ME I CAN'T TAKE A WORK TRIP!

H-Town: Like a big fuck-up, Christian is there...BUYING EVERY COMPANY I WORK FOR!
are we to chapter 12 yet?

Me: almost, first they bang in the elevator
then it's chapter 12

H-Town: oh right

Me: I did write never ever ever open a condom with your teeth
pretty sure that's the first thing I ever learned about condoms
1. this is a condom. 2. don't open it with your teeth

H-Town: I like that she recognizes the foil ripping sound
when I hear foil ripping, it means we're about to defrost some turkey for dinner.
sexy and I know it

Me: wigglewigglewiggle

H-Town: yeah

At the start of Chapter 12, Elena shows up at the house to announce to Christian that someone is blackmailing her. Ana eavesdrops on the conversation, during which Elena says nothing but nice things about Christian and Ana being together, which of course makes Ana angry because HOW DARE THAT EVIL WOMAN APPROVE OF ME? She starts up again with the insane “how can you associate with that child molester” for which I swear I have now read 3000 times.

Me: ok so chapter 12

H-Town: and she's being blackmailed, I like that they set up fake intrigue.
Also, here comes one of the funniest parts of the whole book.
She creates the name "Lincoln Timber."

Me: hahahahaha right?
this is another place where I was 100% agreeing with Christian and I hate myself for it
why are you mad that I’m obsessing about something that's none of my business?

H-Town: they are stupid annoying teens

Me: "Can we ever have a normal conversation without it disintegrating into an argument?"
not so far
the solution to which, obviously, is to move in together (Earlier, during the emailing back and forth from work, Christian had asked Ana to move in with him and she has agreed. Five weeks. They have known each other FIVE WEEKS.)

H-Town: sex solves everything
Heal the world...bang it into a better place
for you and for me and the..entire human race

Me: just bang a lot and moving in with someone you've known for five weeks and can't get along with will totally work out for the best!
It went really well for Chad Johnson

H-Town: ZING!

Me: Then we have another awful episode of CHRISTIAN GREY - MASTER PIANIST

H-Town: and a Pretty Woman piano sex scene
I hope her feet on the keyboard during sex sounded either like this
or like this

Me: I'm impressed that Christian didn't accidentally play Beethoven’s 5th with his wang gyrations

H-Town: she goes, "When did he take off all his clothes?"

Me: he didn't. he has smart clothes, they fall off and fold themselves neatly on a chair when they sense he wants to bang
it's super convenient, way more practical than crotchless panties

H-Town: Like a big creeper, Christian is there....WITH SELF-REMOVING CLOTHES!


The next morning, they wake up and have a conversation over breakfast in which Christian refers to his birth mother as “the crack whore”.

Me: the next day, she awakes from her dream of "overly blonde and dark haired women"
so....most of them? because she's pretty much only missing the darker blondes and the gingers

H-Town: oh my god, the part where she asks Christian to think of good memories and he goes, "I remember the crack whore baking and the smell."

Me: oh my god I know

H-Town: the smell of the ho, or the ho's cookies?

Me: or maybe of the crack?

H-Town: Nabisco presents "Crack Whore Cookies"

Me: you just won the internet

Kate’s brother is moving into the apartment Ana shares (for now) with Kate, and he stops by Ana’s office to pick up the key. The dialogue between Ana and the receptionist is some of the least believable dialogue James has written to date, and that is saying something.

Me: "your boyfriend is so dreamy Ana"
no one says dreamy unless they are mocking you

H-Town: so true

Me: and that same girl with the dreamy, when Ethan stop by
"you sure know some hunky guys"
the front desk is in some kind of weird time vortex where it's 1950, just right there
all the time, forever

H-Town: "Golly gee, Ana, you sure are the bee's knees!"

Me: "Work after I'm married? Ha ha ha, you sure do have some funny ideas!"

H-Town: "I can't believe I have a job!" *has a baby*

Me: vacuum cleaner magically appears

Ana’s work day is largely uneventful since all she ever does is email Christian all day long and his name is a magical shield that protects her from her boss. After work, Christian and Taylor pick her up at her office and drive to her apartment, where they are to pick up Ethan and all go out for dinner together.

Me: so did you make a note of it? on page 307?

H-Town: pants hanging from hips?


H-Town: why of course!

we should redo these books, but everywhere it says "his pants hang from his hips" change it to "his ass crack beckons to me"

H-Town: "his pants bulge uncomfortably in the front”

Me: "his pants sag down to his ankles and he raps a hello greeting"

H-Town: "his pants droop, showing off this 'FREE LUNCH' tattoo, complete with arrow."

Me: "his pants fall off and he trips and face plants into a vat of acid"

H-Town: "his pants fall down and out walk a family of clowns."

Me: and they all stab Ana. because that's what clowns do. They stab you.
"He farts in his baggy pants and drifts off like a beautiful fucked up balloon"
the end of the chapter is a perfect example of what I mean when I say James has no continuity in her characters
she knows she wants a scene where Ana is alone with Leila pointing a gun at her
so even though Christian never lets her out of his sight, and even though he knows Ethan is in the house and ALL MEN WHO KNOW ANA MUST DIE, and even though he forces her to take a bodyguard to work every day because they still haven’t found Leila, he's all "yeah, go get Ethan all by yourself. I have no problem with this in any way"
I’m sorry Ms. James, I’m afraid I’m going to have to call shenanigans on you

H-Town: call more than that on her

Me: for once she did actually end a chapter with a legitimately dramatic cliff hanger (Ana walks into the apartment assuming Ethan has kindly left the door open for her and runs smack in to Leila standing in her kitchen holding “a small revolver”.)

H-Town: I started reading the next chapter because I was really hoping it'd start with a "BLAM" and she'd die

Me: no, that's the choose your own adventure ending we are about to write
"Leila levels the gun at me and I freeze like a character in some sort of obscure style of painting that will make me sound educated."

H-Town: also, Leila talks like Gollum
so that's all I could think of

Me: yeah that's about it for that
like a Chuck Norris Christian is there....WITH A DROP KICK TO LEILA'S FACE JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME

H-Town: I have no more adjectives.

Tomorrow morning, I will be getting on a plane and flying to Baltimore to visit with H-Town and A-Town live and in person. The bad news is that we have shit to do all weekend and won’t be having any standard chat reviews. The good news is that I am bringing both the book and a video camera with me.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

No Pain No Gain

I can't move. I mean it. I can't. fucking. move.

The new session at the place where I take aerial classes started this week. I didn't really dig silks so much in the last session and I want to switch back to trapeze which I loved, but I'm going to England in a month which means I'll miss two weeks of class, and more importantly I'll be sleeping with half the country so I'd like to show up with nice soft hands that don't look like I lost a battle with a rogue cheese grater. That's why I decided to put off trapeze until the next session and take something new this round. This is actually how I make decisions.

The class I settled on is called Beginning Stretching and Flexibility. It seemed like a really good idea, as presumably it would enhance my abilities in trapeze AND at the burlesque studio AND that whole part I just said about my intended behavior overseas. Which in the long run, I think it will. But that day is not today.

My teacher is a laid off electrical engineer and accomplished gymnast named Char, who has the magical ability to be incredibly tiny and built like a monster truck at the same time. She has also broken her back from gymnastics a double digit number of times, so while she is happy to demonstrate every other stretch, she calls on a volunteer to show us the correct positioning for bridges. She is awesome.

The class consisted of 30 minutes of dynamic stretching that involved a lot of kicking our way across the room and me constantly being told to straighten my knee, 30 minutes of static stretching that left me wondering if I just dreamed that part of my life where I could do full splits with ease, and 30 minutes of partner stretching, which I did with a girl from North Carolina who was so good at it and so positive in her reinforcement that I was "doing so great" and "almost done" that I suggested she could make a ton of dough being a labor and delivery coach. It was great and I left tired and sweaty and just knowing that I was already going to be a better dancer by Wednesday just from the one class.

I woke up the next morning slightly sore, which I was expecting. For some reason, standing in first position seemed to alleviate the pain in my hips, so I stood around like that most of the day at work and while washing dishes after dinner to the extreme amusement of the bartender. After dinner I worked a little bit on some choreography I was supposed to do over the weekend, feeling mostly fine, and then took what I felt was a well deserved break and sat on my couch to watch a couple hours of Shark Week. Then I got up to get a drink from the kitchen.

And failed.

Everything was sore. EVERYTHING. I had no idea you could even have that level of pain in your hip flexors. I ate a fistful of aspirin while I laid there watching interviews with people who had been attacked by sharks and convincing myself that having my leg bitten off mid thigh didn't really sound so bad (also reminding my roommate that sharks have two penises, which is my favorite part about Shark Week - having an excuse to engage people in conversation about shark dicks).

This morning I woke up and it was 100 factors worse. I ate some more aspirin and grabbed the muscle rub, but short of bathing in it I didn't know how it could possibly help. Plus I couldn't bathe in anything because there was a centipede in the bathroom, but regardless. This is the level of pain I find myself in right now. I am sitting at my desk at work moaning. I get up every so often and walk around because moving is better than sitting still. Walking makes me look like a monumentally constipated duck. Standing up straight is not even an option at this point. Every time I want to adjust my legs under my desk, I am physically picking them up WITH MY HANDS because engaging any leg muscle makes me want to Aron Ralston all my limbs. My abs, which had been ok earlier, are now starting to ache because they are compensating for the fact that the only other muscles I can move in my body without screaming are the ones that control my face. Oh, and my dance class starts in two hours, so I have that going for me.

I'm not sure if it's rampant masochism or just endorphins from the pain, but I am kind of loving this. Except for when I try to move. Also when I try not to.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

___________ Is A Bad Idea

Me: I have dangerous new paper

StereoNinja: ??

Me: I was at the store and I found a pad of sticky notes for a dollar
that have "Hello My thought is:" printed on them

StereoNinja: NO


StereoNinja: this will end badly

Me: I know

StereoNinja: you should NOT use these at work

Me: if there's one thing that is certain in this world, it is that I should never ever EVER be given a blank to fill in

StereoNinja: This is very bad


StereoNinja: LOL

Me: Hello My thought is: life would be so much easier if I could reach my nipple with my mouth

StereoNinja: It’s the Hello at the beginning that makes it, it sounds so friendly then it all goes wrong
Hello My thought is: I will stab you in the eye if you ask me again

Me: it's like some horrible person invented them JUST FOR ME
Hello My thought is: you really shouldn't try to make the cat wear pants.

StereoNinja: HAHAHA

Me: I'm about to stick one to the dalek that says Hello My thought is: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

StereoNinja:  stick one on your panties which says Hello My thought is: Rip these off and bang me

Me: I'm not sure who would need such explicit instructions

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

50 Turds Fouler

H-Town and amberance read and review Fifty Shades Darker so you don't have to.

H-Town: I read more 50 shits of shit last night

me: let's talk about it
I've got diet root beer, white cheddar popcorn and a heart full of rage

H-Town: this is like a terrible beginning to the Blues Brothers movie

me: HIT IT

Chapter 9 begins with Ana being elated that Christian has said that he loves her. Which by the way, he hasn't actually said - she told him that he loved her and he agreed. But whatever, ALL HER DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE. She spends two pages telling us this and wondering if her "heart is big enough for both of them" since even though he loves her, he's too fucked up and full of self-loathing to be able to love. It makes no fucking sense. She then spends the following two and a half pages describing in minute detail the process she used to dry him off with a towel. I fell asleep on the bar from boredom and was only woken by people screaming at the Olympics on television.

me: the first thing i wrote was "Jesus, shut your hole already"

H-Town: and I again wrote "stupid bullshit"
it's my term of endearment for everything related to this book
will she AND Christian please stop saying, "Beautiful, fucked-up man"
it makes me want to punch a hole through a basket of kittens

me: she's got that whole thesaurus she's grinding on, but she can't come up with different adjectives to describe Christian

H-Town: fucked-upness is all she can do
"Hmm, how can I say that's he fucked up?
cashes $50billion check

me: i also wrote down "two and a half pages of drying. TWO AND A HALF PAGES"

and the part where she referenced the Bible (Ana looks in the mirror and notices Christian is naked and she has a towel wrapped around her head, causing her to think "we look almost biblical, as if from an Old Testament Baroque painting." I assume what they actually look like is two idiots who've just gotten out of the shower.)

me: I wrote "you are not the fucking Old Testament"

H-Town: YES
In response, I built a time machine, went back to visit Jesus.
He was PISSED.

me: Jesus was all "Bitch better step off"
he doesn't usually say bitch, but he was fucking serious

H-Town: in this case, he would totally say it

E.L. James mercifully skips over the ensuing sex scene. Ana and Christian then skip over an important conversation about his childhood because they are in love and therefore don't need to actually get to know each other at all. Then they get dressed for a day out because Christian has another surprise for her.

me: I seemed to be mostly pissed off at individual lines in these chapters
lines like "draped it artfully over his shoulders"

H-Town: i wrote "please strangle him with the sweater"
anyone who ties a sweater over their shoulders like that deserves to be strangled with it
beat him with a JCrew catalog

me: well he needed a sweater draped over his shoulders.
THAT IS WHAT YOU WEAR TO GO BOATING (we aren't actually told at this point that they are going boating, but based on the stereotypical outfit and that fact that he's already done helicopter and glider as surprises, this probably isn't much of a spoiler)

On the way to the marina we're not supposed to suspect they're going to, Christian decides to stop at a Saab dealership because he "needs" to buy Ana a new car since Leila threw paint all over the first car she didn't want. There is no point whatsoever to this scene, it is just yet another pages long example meant to prove to us that Christian Grey is a very rich man and a chance for Ana to continue endlessly contemplating that ERMAHGERD HE LERVS HER!

H-Town: the car shopping thing was dumb
"Hey, let's show them buying some other expensive shit"

me: I liked when she was like "buying a car on a Sunday?"

H-Town: haha Now Jesus is really mad
He's all, "A SAAB?!"

me: "oh HELL no"

H-Town: I also at this point had to ask myself "What day is it?"
they're still on the WEEKEND?
fucking bars and galas and auctions and scary exes and car shopping and boating??

me: I picked up my laundry and went to the grocery store Saturday and I was like "shit, that is enough activity for one weekend"

H-Town: I know! they've hardly slept plus, so much sex
clearly I've been married for 10 years
awkward silence

me: also that scene she calls him god's gift to women

H-Town: yes, because he made me gay
so thank you, Christian Grey

me: HAHAHAHA I love you

H-Town: more like God's punishment to sane women
God's all, "Now, normally I don't do this but...hand gesture here's a little bit more crazy for you, World."

me: God was bored. Jersey Shore was in rerun, he had to do something.

H-Town: "I need some drama to watch...hmmm..."
then later, "OH MY ME - what have I done?!?"

me: "Sorry, my bad. Oh wait, you LIKE this book? I guess the joke is on me then"
destroys earth
starts over from scratch

H-Town: hahaha Thanks so much, EL, now we gotta start all over again

me: ooo can we get gills this time? I want to breathe under water

H-Town: I want my boobs to shoot lasers

After buying a Saab on a whim and having some lunch, they head for a marina. SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER. BET YOU NEVER SAW THAT COMING.

me: of course he has a boat
he just went to the transportation store and ordered one of each
I can't wait for the tank ride! and the submarine!

H-Town: and he'll know endless info on those too
has he flown a plane yet?

me: no, he has a guy that flies the plane I think

H-Town: but I bet he could fly it
it's called the douche bagel

me: they walk in the marina and she's like "so many boats"
IT'S A MARINA, what was she expecting, a lot full of tricycles?

H-Town: she goes into a parking lot "so many cars!"
she goes to an airport "So many planes!"
we go to her brain and say "So few brain cells!"
also, wtf - no poopdeck jokes?
swab her poopdeck, Christian!
plunder her booty!

me: aye
oh his boat by the way
designed by the finest navy architects (actual quote from Christian: "She's been designed from the ground up by the very best naval architects in the world and constructed here in Seattle at my yard." Also, as I type that, I am JUST NOW REALIZING that he just claimed to own an entire shipyard. I want to force feed dicks to this douche canoe until he blows up like the guy representing "gluttony" in the movie Seven.)
because you need that kind of skill to build a catamaran

H-Town: I hoped it'd been designed by the finest blind water-phones

me: Liam is his boat guy whose accent she can't seem to place (E.L. James seems to be under the impression that this country gives out foreign visas like candy)
He's called Liam, what is the over/under on him being Irish? (In a plot twist NO ONE saw coming, Liam is, in fact, from Ireland.)

H-Town: why can't it be another dull Brit?
Also, why not a pirate?
"Yarrrr, Christian, I be yer guide today, Yarrrr"

me: he SHOULD be a pirate
full on pirate - eye patch, peg leg...only the finest sea dog for Christian Grey
"Ana, this is Captain Jack Sparrow. He drives my boat"

H-Town: "drive my boat"
And she takes the wheel
aka, "I'm too lazy to look up nautical terms"

I was in the bar with tears running down my face



H-Town: I was hoping she'd get seasick and spend the whole trip hurling over the edge

me: I was hoping she'd fall in and get eaten by a shark

H-Town: even better
fuck this book in its nautically-termed dorsal fin

me: and then
why is her blood always on fire when that happens?

H-Town: she should get that checked out
maybe it's also causing her to pool...DOWN THERE

In Chapter 10, they take the boat back in and get some dinner, during which she goes back to her tired "he will never love me because I'm not a sub" insane self-absorbed rambling despite the fact that ALL evidence she has points to the exact opposite of this conclusion. Then they head for home.

Me: so chapter 10
she finds out Taylor's first name is Jason
they used his credit card the night before, she thought his name was Taylor Taylor?

H-Town: and gets busted for flirting (upon returning home, Ana thinks nothing of flirting with Taylor, right in front of Christian, and is absolutely astonished that somehow Christian found this upsetting. I don't even)

me: yeah, WHAT THE FUCK
"oh why is Christian so mad and jealous?"
um, maybe because you just told his butler you like being called Mrs. Taylor

Ana discovers that during their absence, Christian has had his people move all of Ana's clothes into his bedroom. He also declares that since they still haven't found the elusive Leila, Ana isn't allowed to go to work. Ana is aghast because she has to work for a living, a point she appears to make simply so Christian can tell her she never needs to work for a living because he has so much money he burns it for kindling. She insists that she does too need to work, and that she is TOTALLY safe because the armed woman in the midst of a complete mental breakdown hasn't killed her already, a statement which seems to indicate that despite constantly referring to Christian as a stalker she has no real concept of what that word actually means. Eventually, he allows her to go to work if she takes a bodyguard with her. Having solved all serious problems in the relationship, he takes her on a tour of the apartment.

H-Town: oh my god, he moved my stuff into his room!
oh my god, he doesn't want me to go to work!

me: the whole apartment is covered by CCTV? REALLY?
because apparently NO ONE is watching it
since crazy pants just comes in and out at will

H-Town: yeah it's not working

me: maybe she has a concealed carry permit for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak

At the end of the tour, they end up in his library which is also where he keeps his billiard table since hard industrial plastic balls being hit with wooden sticks is conducive to reading books. They decide to play a round and make a wager on the outcome: if Ana wins they go have sex, and if Christian wins...well, he never actually says, but presumably they will go have sex.


me: oh god all I even bothered to write was "whole shit with the pool is stupid"
he leaned over the table, it was AMAZEBALLS
then I leaned over the table and he couldn't even speak

H-Town: there was so much leaning
did she think describing a game of pool would be interesting to read?
blah blah bending over blah blah
someone scratch and get this game over with

me: she's so glad José taught her to play
I’m sure it had nothing to do with standing behind her and pressing his crotch on her ass


me: the end of the chapter (James ends the chapter with only the 8 ball left on the table. Christian takes the shot and...that's it, we have to wait until Chapter 11 to find out if he made it or not. DRAMA.)
the only reason to end a chapter like that is if this is a choose your own adventure book
"if Christian makes the shot go to page 259. If he misses go to page 302. If the table spontaneously combusts and kills everyone in the room, congratulations, you win at life"
also, we TOTALLY need to write alternate scenes everywhere there is a choose your own adventure moment

H-Town: oh my god, yes
although it'd be a lot of death

Hey you guys, here is a picture of Pirate Liam, Christian, and Ana sailing around Menufuck Archipelago that I drew for you on the back of an envelope. You're welcome. (P.S. I can't actually draw.)

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

50 Tears Wetter

H-Town: ok, where to start on this shit-stravaganza

me: let me just say, I took almost no notes because this is so stupid I can't even think anymore

H-Town: YES I am the same way
I fucking hate this book
A-Town was laughing at me last night because I kept making all these irritated noises and saying unfinished things, like, "What the...NO."
and "This is...COME ON. FUCK."

Chapter 7 starts off just after Ana bid $24,000 on a weekend in Aspen she could have gone to any time she wanted for free. She is nervous because she is now expecting Christian’s full on wrath over the fact that she spent money she repeatedly told him she didn’t want on a purchase he doesn’t approve of, begging the question of why he demanded that she take it in the first place. “We’ve been getting along so well” she thinks and I write in my notes “For, like, five minutes” because it is STILL THE SAME DAY as when she saw Elena in the hair salon, and they had a screaming match in the street over it, by my estimation, roughly 10 hours ago. He tells her he doesn’t know whether to worship at her feet or spank her over it. The first option isn’t something this character is likely to say, and the second one she hates, so of course she immediately goes for door number two because it is the most ridiculously out of character option available. Afterwards she ends up rubbing his dick under the table, which for some reason she is surprised about.

H-Town: They're at the table after her stupid aspen bid
and oooh la la, naughty under-the-table hand play!

me: oh yeah! table hanky panky
"I didn’t realize what he was doing"

H-Town: Then there's the dance auction

There is a first dance auction in which all the single ladies get on stage and the men have to bid on them for the first dance. Christian’s sister Mia strong arms Ana into participating and strongly implies that if anyone else tries to bid on Ana, Christian will iron his face. This is how we know that someone else will try to bid on Ana.

H-Town: here's an EL James original that I wrote down because it made my brain want to exit my skull and go play in traffic
"the tall, pink powerhouse that is Mia..."

me: she’s a pink

H-Town: I bet you have a sex toy that you refer to as your "tall, pink powerhouse..."

Me: yes. It has hello kitty on it. Is that wrong?

H-Town: I was begging for someone to bid $100k to end the goddamn book

me: oh god that whole scene
1. her reaction to Christian being a brawler in high school

H-Town: haha, yes


H-Town: I wrote, "Really? You're surprised he was a brawler?"

me: 2. "oh shit that's me" (Ana was completely startled when they called her name even though she was standing on a stage for exactly that purpose)
go fuck yourself

H-Town: "Why am I arguing with myself?"
Yes, why are you, you stupid pile of hair.

Me: 3. Your shrink? YOUR SHRINK? You are in a bidding war for your girlfriend with your SHRINK? NO (EL JAMES ACTUALLY WROTE THIS. The bidding war we foresaw coming was between Christian and his therapist, Dr. Flynn. Which is plenty stupid by itself, but gets even dumber when we realize Christian isn’t upset about this at all)

H-Town: HATE
stupid bullshit

Christian wins the auction by bidding $100k for Ana, and while the rest of the girls are auctioned off, Christian and Ana run off to his childhood bedroom to fuck since it is absolutely the only thing they have in common and they haven’t done it in almost three hours.

H-Town: then it's time for the naughty sneak away to his room

me: where he's never brought a girl before
guess what? I’ve never brought a boy to my bedroom at my PARENTS’ house either, and I'm Slutty McSlutpants

H-Town: Neither have I!


H-Town: and she comments on some random kickboxer photo and says, "I don't know who that is."

me: oh yeah, that was classic

H-Town: I wonder if EL James knows that kickboxer personally and just wanted to name drop him
I had posters of Ickey Woods, Michael Jordan, and Ferraris on my bedroom wall as a kid. I just thought you should know that.
giant huge lesbian

me: you were missing cats and softball players. lesbian fail

H-Town: oh, there were cats
and I played softball
so don't worry
anywhore after stupid spanking naughty time in Christian's bedroom... she looks at his photos and just starts naming famous places
Eiffel Tower!
Grand Canyon!
looks at AAA Travel magazine
Mt. Rushmore!
Taj Mahal!

Me: and of course the photo of his mom. Which isn't important
pay no attention to that photo behind the curtain (Ana notices a photo of a woman she’s never met but who looks sort of familiar and asks who she is because she is too stupid to realize it’s his mother. Christian tells her it’s “no one of consequence” because his mom is a dead crack whore and that’s why he likes spanking people. Please kill me.)

H-Town: then they go dance
to songs that would be in a high school theater boy's playlist

me: shut up, H-Town, those songs have MEANING
side note: I've Got You Under My Skin is just asking for me to make jokes about having a crotch rash
I will never take anyone seriously if they play that for me. Ever

H-Town: and she makes a joke about him having just been in her vag because that's the same thing
"I've got you....pounding my vag..."
"I've got you...stalking my life.."
"I've got you...deep in my bank account..."

me: and then she dances with the shrink, which I just about lost my shit over

that's when I wanted to punch the book so hard that EL James would feel it.

me: before the really bad stuff, the part about how he's British
"I’m super boring because I'm British" (Again, James ACTUALLY WRITES THIS: “I’m really a very dull person. It’s a British trait. Part of our national character.” James appears to hate women AND hate British people. Is there anything about herself that she DOESN’T hate? WHAT IN THE SPONGEBOB FISTING FUCK?)

H-Town: Yeah, way to dig your own peeps, EL
I'm surprised she didn't add a comment about him having bad teeth.
"His gnarly horse teeth were gross and I bet he enjoys England's awful food."

While they’re dancing, Ana starts asking the therapist all sorts of questions about Christian. And because this would violate all kinds of patient privacy laws and be heart-stoppingly unethical, he says he can’t answer them. And then immediately does it anyway.

me: "hey tell me about Christian"
"I can't. But he's super fucked up. So much it would take a year to tell you everything that is wrong with him. And even though I just said I can't, feel free to come by my office and I’ll tell you all about him"

H-Town: KILL
then she has some stupid fake argument with Christian (Ana “jokes’ with Christian that Dr. Flynn told her everything. Christian panics because of course he does)

H-Town: Christian: "WHATTT? You'll leave me?"


H-Town: Then the child molester threatens her
and for once we get an OH SNAP moment from Ana

Elena corners Ana and tells her she’s great for him and that Christian is in love with her, and that she wants nothing but happiness for both of them, but that if Ana hurts him again she’ll be answering to Elena. Ana responds by calling her a pedophile and contemplating telling Christian that he can never talk to Elena ever again.

H-Town: Finally, we end the chapter with crazy-go-nuts girl destroying her beloved Audi and maybe being in the house
At this point I'm hoping someone will just blow up the house with them all inside so we can end it.

While they were at the party, Lelia came by to slash all the tires on Ana’s car and pour paint all over it. There’s also a chance she has somehow gotten inside the house. Chapter 8 begins with Christian and his crack security team combing the house and finding no one.

me: I like how Christian is the one who practically called in a SWAT team, but he thinks TAYLOR is overreacting
she might be in the house, but you know, no biggie

H-Town: and oh no, don't involve the police
lady is armed and batshit, but let's handle it ourselves!
because clearly your security on its own did so good at keeping her out of your house and garage
so she goes to sleep and he stays up to be all important and dark and brooding and sexy
Oh, I wrote down a line from when she wakes back up and goes to find him all alone and dark and brooding and sexy
"Your beard grows quickly," I whisper, unable to hide the wonder in my voice at this beautiful fucked-up man who stands before me. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAGE

me: yeah, it's because he's not 14 you twat

H-Town: I need something to stab
And just keep near me while I read this book
this book should come with a complimentary knife and stabbin' pillow

Ana wakes up and sees what looks like a shadowy woman standing at the foot of the bed. When she looks again the woman is gone and she assumes it was a dream, however the doors of the balcony are wide open, as apparently Lelia is secretly Spiderman. When Christian realizes this, he packs some bags and they go to a hotel, where they plan to stay until crazypants is captured.

me: so then we find out she really was, and still is, in the house

H-Town: Christian Grey's Security System, brought to you by Swiss Cheese Security
When You Absolutely Don't Want Someone In Your House, Call Swiss Cheese Security

me: and Ana’s like what do you mean we can’t stay here? Aren’t you overreacting?


me: i wrote "no one in this book knows what overreacting means"

H-Town: and the hotel allows dogs and has a fireplace
Also, you're in Seattle, not the Arctic. Stupid roaring hotel fireplace.

me: i wrote about that "rich people can do whatever they want"
also, the porter being startled that they showed up at 3 am because no one has ever arrived at a hotel in the middle of the night, ever

H-Town: and the desk clerk being all gushy over Christian
overnight desk clerks can hardly talk
they're half-asleep and looking at porn on their computers
ps, did you write down the word "inveigle" from their car ride to the hotel?
EL James thesaurus sexy time.

me: I did. I wrote “inveigle” JESUS CRAP.
question: how does Christian get help with anything ever if every single person he comes in contact with is paralyzed by the sight of him?
just curious

H-Town: it's like everyone goes all fainting goat around him

me: hahaha

In the morning, the gynecologist who makes house calls shows up again, because when Ana broke up with Christian last week, she immediately stopped taking the pill LIKE A DUMBASS. The doctor explains to her that doing so was FUCKING STUPID and there’s a chance she could be pregnant. As it turns out she’s not, but instead of sighing with relief, she panics just as much as if she’d been told she WAS pregnant. Since she obviously can’t be trusted to look after her own reproductive health, the doctor gives her a Depo-Provera shot instead.

H-Town: oh my god the doctor and the pill scene



me: and then AND THEN
as it turns out she's not pregnant, but then she spends the next five fucking pages being all oh I can't tell Christian I COULD have been pregnant even though I’m not and fucking panicking
RELIEF, that is how you feel
I didn't want to be pregnant and I’m not



H-Town: Even if she was, it would be proof that God hated us.
so they go to shower to celebrate and one of the best lines from Ana happens.
It's not meant to mean what I think, but I could not stop laughing.
"My turn to swallow." (they are both nervous because she’s washing the lipstick off his chest and trying not to touch him while she does it. She starts to cry because she can’t bear his pain. She tells him that she loves him and so does everyone else, but he can’t handle it because crack whore babies don’t deserve love)

I peed
good thing I was in the shower.
and he breaks down all, "I'M A HUSK OF A MAN!!!!"

me: same paragraph "I don't have a heart"

H-Town: at that point I wrote this in my notes, "FUCK THIS BOOK WITH AN ARMY OF HAMMERS."

me: in my entire life, I have never wanted to go watch Wizard of Oz as much as when I read that sentence
he's like all the Oz characters at once

H-Town: YES
we are on the same wavelength

me: husk = scarecrow
no heart = tinman

H-Town: CHARLIE TANGO = flying monkeys

me: no one can know who I really am = wizard
everyone loves him for no reason = Toto

H-Town: aunty Em aunty Em, it's a twister it's a twister = Christian's dark sexy brooding soul

me: DONT TOUCH ME = angry apple trees

H-Town: the yellow brick road = Christian's $100k/hour
we're on to something here

me: we are. we need to film this

At the end of the chapter, whilst still in the shower together, Ana gets Christian to admit that he loves her. H-Town and I barely reacted because who gives a shit.

Me: I like how he finally admits he loves her, and we both are like "meh"

H-Town: I need to hump a thesaurus like EL and find another phrase for "STUPID BULLSHIT"
or rather, the 50 Shades trilogy should be a new synonym for "stupid bullshit"

me: "oh that is SO Fifty Shades"

H-Town: speaking of stupid bullshit
NBC's coverage of the Olympics has been so 50 shades so far
Anyway, that's all I have
besides endless rage
I'm glad we're going through this together