Sunday, November 04, 2012

50 Fucks Thiser

H-Town and amberance read Fifty Shades Darker so you don't have to.

me: ok let's finish this like mortal kombat - by ripping out it's spine and leaving it to die

H-Town: FINISH HIM
you ready?

me: to be done reading this?
i was born ready

Chapter 20 starts with a bizarre mixture of overly effusive surprise that Ana has said she'll marry him with a bone dry, technical description of the exact model of helicopter Christian flies. As per her custom, this conversation as written by E.L. James makes absolutely no sense and is nothing but a poorly designed vehicle to allow her to foreshadow again that the helicopter was sabotaged. EUROCOPTER EC135S ARE PERFECT HELICOPTERS YOU GUYS. THEY NEVER EVER CRASH. EVER. And then to celebrate their engagement, they take a cold shower with all their clothes on.

me: yay we're getting married, let's take a shower in our clothes
take your pants off i want to wash your boner!

H-Town: Ana Steele's Amazing Boner Wash!
Strong Enough for a Man! But Made for a Woman!

me: the one thing i wrote down from this scene was when she said she "detonated" (actually I also wrote down, "How does the sex keep getting worse?" but the specific line there was "I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him - a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.")

H-Town: I think I missed that because once again, I was skimming the shit outta this section

me: i wish it were true. i wish she had detonated

H-Town: I would watch that fireworks show with glee

me: so then they wake up the next day and now everything between Jose and Christian is fine because of fishing (Christian and Jose have an amiable conversation about their shared love of fishing, which isn't detailed because Ana says "I zone out. This I do not need to know." In my notes I translated this to "All your interests bore me." This marriage is off to a great start.)

H-Town: fishing is the great equalizer
and Christian walks out in just his special hip pants and no shirt
I had hoped he and Jose would then start making out

me: yes
he should fire his tailor, NONE of his pants fit properly

H-Town: and Ana would say something like, "Men can...kiss?"
because she is dumb

me: "but christian, you don't have a tan!"

H-Town: "You don't have an accent!"
HOW CAN YOU BE GAY?

me: oh, there's something in this chapter about how she's jealous when she finds out charlie tango is a woman
all fucking boats, planes, helicopters etc. are women
and that's basically the whole chapter
the next chapter was birthday sex

(Chapter 20 ends with Christian opening his birthday presents from Ana, including a box containing a bunch of things he already owns that she'd just gone around the apartment collecting and put in a box - the key to the playroom, some nipple clamps, a butt plug, the stupid fucking tie, etc. They take all of these things into the playroom to start Chapter 21 and then end up using almost none of them since she has massively overestimated her own capabilities.)

H-Town: and this line "Can one lust after one's husband like this?"
No, Ana, that's not possible
Marriage ends all feelings.

me: I KNOW
I wrote ONE WOULD FUCKING HOPE SO

H-Town:  also best part
OMG IT'S VIBRATING...DOWN THERE!! (It's a little metal bullet vibrator. It's what they fucking do.)

me: oh god

H-Town: and then Christian magically waves his hand/wang and special slow music turns on when they lay down on the bed

me: and she's all where is he going to put that.
HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD PUT FINGERS IN YOUR BUTT
at some point in all the action i wrote "Can you stab sex? i want to stab it so hard"

H-Town: hahaha
BUTT IS EXIT ONLY

me: she makes like this is the dirtiest sex that has ever happened afterwards

H-Town: Anything besides missionary is friggin porn to her

me: i call that "tuesday"
this line: "And I'm aware we don't know each other well, and we have a mountain of issues to overcome..." DO
NOT
GET
 MARRIED

H-Town: hahaha I know
are we to the part where she reveals she saw his photos?
and he admits he's not good at safe combinations? (While Ana was crawling around the house looking for sex toys she has no fucking idea how to use, she came across a pile of naked photos of Christian's former subs tied up in the playroom. She is as usual spectacularly jealous, but when she finally reveals her discovery to Christian, it turns out it isn't what she thinks. But because it's E.L. James writing, what Ana finds comforting is actually so much worse. The naked photos weren't just lying around, they HAD been locked in a safe, but Christian is an absolute goddamn moron and wrote the combination for the safe down pretty much RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO IT. Naturally, Leila had gotten into it and put the photos where she knew Ana would find them. Sadly, this isn't the "worse" part.)

H-Town: Captain Computer Security can't handle locking a goddamn safe?

me: yeah, that was the dumbest
i can't remember my safe combination.
i had to write it down
well what's the point of having one then?
why not just leave it wide open?

H-Town: with some lighted arrows pointing at it?

me: isn't he some kind of trazillionaire?
is there some reason he doesn't have a safe with fingerprint access?

H-Town: more likely it'd be one that would require him to stick his wang in for ID
Robot voice: "Please fuck me to open safe."

me: "Insert boner in identification vag" (THIS is the worse part ---->)
his blackmail photos make no sense by the way
he's afraid his subs are going to tell people he likes beatings with his sex
and to stop them from saying that he...takes pictures of exactly that?

H-Town: did not think that one through

me: for an enterprise that revolves completely around trust, this is pretty much the opposite of that
BDSM fail (Again, and I can't stress this enough - blackmailing people in this situation is not only ALL KINDS OF WRONG, but if you have a reputation for that kind of behavior NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH YOU. RESEARCH, JAMES. FUCK.)
oh fuck this line too, when Taylor calls her ma'am again
"It makes me feel old, at least thirty."
EAT A PILE OF 80 YEAR OLD DICKS

H-Town: hahahahahaha
I'm 34 and gay, so that means I must resemble dust and have a great tan

me: i'm going cane shopping after work, I'm so old oh my god
thirty is also exactly 2 years older than her boyfriend is right now

H-Town: you're nowhere near as successful, Amber.
Better kill yourself now.
I mean, if old age doesn't kill you first

me: shit right, no doubt. i could just drop dead any second at my age

Later on, Ana calls her mother to tell her the big news and is super irritated when her mother 1) asks if Ana's getting married at age 21 to a man she's known less than two months because she's pregnant and 2) has the nerve to mention Ana's dead biological father when discussing one of the major events in a person's life that a normal human being would want to have their parents present for.

Me: when she called her mom i wanted to stab everything
she's all pissed that her mom asks if she's pregnant
um, you are 21 and you have known this person for a month and a half. that is an entirely reasonable question

H-Town: no shit
"oh my god, did you die crossing the street? You're so dumb, Ana."
"Mom, I can't get this bottle of OJ to work. It says to shake well before opening, but I shake myself and the bottle doesn't open?" HELP ME

me: and then her mom is crying because she wishes ana's real dad had lived
also perfectly reasonable, my dad did the same thing when i got engaged
and ana's all "oh great now i have to hear all about my mythical father again"
he's not "mythical", he's dead

H-Town: Maybe her dad was a unicorn, Amber
YOU DON'T KNOW.

me: oh my god or zeus. MAYBE HE WAS ZEUS

Heather: Zeus' kid could never be this stupid
also, we all know anyone related to a god in this story has to be Christian.
OBVIOUSLY.

me: oh right, my bad

H-Town: The God of Hip Pants
brother to the God of Body Wash

me: his bio dad probably was Zeus. Zeus liked to fuck around, right?

H-Town: and daughter to the God of Shut the Fuck Up

me: and all this "there will never be anyone else for me"
I wrote down YOU ARE 21 YEARS OLD three separate times
hey you know what they haven't done in a while? had a fight

H-Town: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

me: if you insist

After speaking to her mother, Ana decides to go down to the store to get the materials needed to bake Christian a birthday cake. She is wearing a blue sundress - a blue sundress that had been purchased for her by Christian's own personal shopper, which seems like it would imply that it met with his approval, but nothing Ana has ever worn or done or said or eaten or breathed on meets with Christian's approval, ever, therefore, it is once again time to have a fight.

me: "hey i'm going to the store"
"NOT IN THAT WHORE DRESS YOU'RE NOT"
you mean the one you bought her?

H-Town: ONLY FOR INSIDE TIME

me: or the beach
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTEXT WHETHER YOUR DRESS IS SLUTTY OR NOT (Christian concedes he would not be upset with her going out in public in her prostitute's uniform if only she were standing on a beach and not in line at a grocery store. Come the fuck on James, you're not even PRETENDING to try anymore.) 
i feel bad now. let's bone and make up

H-Town: make me a cake and put it on my peener
I SAID CHOCOLATE CAKE, BITCH
FIGHT
sex

me: I WANT TO EAT IT WITH A BIGGER FORK
FIGHT
sex
YOU SNEEZED WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE
FIGHT
sex

 H-Town: YOU LOOKED AT THE PHOTOS OF YOU!
FIGHT
sex

me: but enough about ana and christian fighting each other. how about instead they go to his birthday party and get in fights with everyone?

H-Town: oh my god, Jerry Springer
fight
CONTRACT!
fight ELENA MEOW!
fight

Picture, if you will, the most uncomfortable party you have ever been to in your life. Now multiply the discomfort level you felt at that party by the total number of atoms that make up the universe to the power of infinity. I once attended a birthday party where the brother of the girl having a birthday broke up with his wife during the party after an alleged friend announced to everyone, including all parties concerned AND all of their parents, that said wife had been fucking her husband's cousin for a year and half. Incidentally, the cousin was himself engaged to the cheating wife's lifelong best friend, who was supposed to be the matron of honor at their wedding. True story. I would attend that same party every day for the rest of my life if the alternative was having to witness the complete fucking shitshow that went down at Christian's birthday party.

Before they'd even managed to get through the door, they were met by an enraged Kate, waving around the email discussing the contract that had never actually been signed and demanding answers from Ana about how she could allow this to happen and from Christian about why he was such a sick, disgusting, rapey fuck. Not long afterward, Christian announces to all the guests that he and Ana are engaged. Naturally, this causes a very drunk Elena to pull Ana aside (I'm not sure why, since she was shouting for all to hear anyway) and tell her that she could NEVER make Christian happy EVER because she is TOO FUCKING VANILLA. Ana responds with poise and maturity by throwing her cocktail in Elena's face. Christian comes to her aid and himself has a shouting match with Elena that is loud enough to draw his mother into the fray, where she finds out to her complete and utter despair that her best friend used to fuck her son and that it was super filthy. In between all this fighting, we are given a series of scenes including but not limited to: a (gasp!) lesbian couple, the world's most socially inept therapist, and some thinly veiled racism. THE ARISTOCRATS!

me: The whole Kate part I was yelling out loud at the book
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS

H-Town: I hate how EL James tries to insert drama
it only ever lasts for maybe a page or two
COPTER CRASH!
two pages later BFF CONTRACT FIGHT!
one page then everything gets resolved
she tries to work every possible drama-rama into one book, so she just makes them last two pages
and MEEEEEOW, the Elena fight

me: yeah, the elena fight
mother of god
YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY
i mean, she's sort of right, they are clearly not happy together for longer than five minutes at a stretch

H-Town: Until they have sex, that is
but then yeah, let's fight about mac n cheese and dresses
oh man, before the elena fight, when they're surveying the big party of guests
and Ana points out a black guy
it's almost like a "HEY LOOK Y'ALL, IT'S A BLACK GUY! IN OREGON! WOW!"
sigh
and then HA HA Ros is a lesbian

me: she must have been out of her mind at that party, a black guy AND lesbians?

H-Town: a lesbian that wears heels on a helicopter and then still wears them once it crashes?
Not likely

me: THANK YOU THAT'S WHAT I SAID
*confirmed by actual lesbian*

H-Town: anyway
ELENA SMASH
and then a drink gets thrown
I wish it would've been a fistfight and then the whole party comes in, someone accidentally dumps jello or mud, and then it's a wrestling match
*how this lesbian writes* 
*while not wearing heels*

me: and then they'd be all dirty after so WET TSHIRT CONTEST
this party would have been so much more awesome if we were in charge of it
oh there was also that conversation with Dr. Flynn and his wife

H-Town: his younger wife
oh mah god

me: his wife says "life would be dull and penurious without you"
and then he makes a cricket reference that nobody gets because teehee oh he's so British
i can't relate to you Americans and your fancy baseball sports

H-Town: crikey bowlers sticky wickets chimney sweep carry on carry on car park crisps

me: No one talks like that

H-Town: That's how the English talk, I know.
Come on, Amber, we know everyone in England sounds like Eliza Doolittle in "My Fair Lady" before she gets trained
aaaaeeeeeiiiiooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
then the fight, Christian's mom comes in, and I wish she would've piled-drive someone

me: yeah the mom, wow  

H-Town: so, christian and his mom talk it out and Ana runs away to his room and then the worst ending ever

me: oh that epilogue was atrocious

The book ends with Ana's former boss/attempted rapist hiding in the bushes outside Christian's parents' house. He is upset that his sabotaging of the helicopter failed to kill Christian, which is a totally reasoned and proportionate response to getting fired for your own blatant misconduct. For some reason, James feels the need to point out that he grew up poor in Detroit, as if this somehow explains why a mid level publishing executive at a small unknown company would become a savage murderer over losing his job.

H-Town: OH BOY, I WONDER WHO IT IS SITTING OUTSIDE THE HOUSE PLOTTING?

me: you mean the helicopter WAS sabotaged?
HUGE PLOT TWIST!

H-Town: I hope in the next book there's a baby Grey and it emerges from Ana like an Alien, punches Christian in the dick, and then runs over Jack L Hyde in an Audi, all while carrying a helicopter with Elena and the crazy ex in it.

me: that would be epic

H-Town: Did you see one of your commenters mention an upcoming baby?

me: yes, that apparently digs "the sexing"
WTF

H-Town: w t f
if that's true I don't even...

me: i just can't...
so, what is your final recommendation to people considering reading this book?

H-Town: Are you fucking stupid?
that's my initial reaction
and then a more measured, "Do you want to have a reason to gouge out your eyes and almost give up on fiction forever?"
and then a crazier, "I could just shit in this box right here and it'd be better written and edited than this book."

me: i CAN'T BELIEVE I have to read ANOTHER volume of this fucktarded abortion of a book

H-Town: reminds me of this quote from Tommy Boy:
"If you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time."

me: i miss chris farley
i want him to play christian grey in the movie

H-Town: oh my god YES

me: it would be the greatest movie of all time

I have so many questions about the third book:

  • Will Elena team up with Jack Hyde and try to kill everyone?
  • Will Leila cut her wrists when she finds out that Christian is going to marry someone?
  • Does this baby have the slightest fucking chance of turning out to be a stable, healthy, happy human being?
  • Will both of my eyeballs still be intact and attached to my face when I'm done reading?
I've put it off as long as I could. Let's get this thing over with, shall we?

13 comments:

Florémi Fasollasido said...

OMG you're back! And you brought some make-my-day with you! yay

LizzytheBrit said...

Thank God you're back.X

Claire said...

That is so funny. I have read this blog with so much interest. For the record you and your friend are hilarious. You're so right about how James makes out bdsm relationships are abnormal. I love this blog. Please keep writing it and reading the books you make my day.

Anonymous said...

the joy (of the blog, not the book) is back. yay.
sidenote: because the books weren't enough on their own... http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/73274727.html

Kate said...

I now have a theory about this trilogy. I think the basic idea is the story of a damaged man and the girlfriend who finally succeeds in "fixing" him and that the third book will end with him "fixed" and "back to normal". In other words, he'll give up the whole BDSM stuff for good which I'm sure is horribly offensive to you.

I have no particular opinion on that as BDSM has nothing to do with me but I do object to the portrayal of a woman successfully repairing an abusive boyfriend. Because in the real world, that really doesn't work, it's unlikely that he'd ever be anything but abusive towards her and that gives out a dangerous message of false hope to susceptible readers.

Of course, I could turn out to be completely wrong about the ending but we'll have to wait and see.

Also, how long has that Aristocrats joke been around for? Because I've never heard of it before this year and now I've started coming across it all the time.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... having not read the books (PHEW!!!) I am not sure if your baby comments mean the "plot" of Book #3 involves a baby or not. Not surprising given the amount of foreshadowing of ****face not taking the pill

Browncoat said...

No, nooo, NOOOOOO!!

Not only the possibility of a fourth book, but re-writes of the first three from Christian's point of view (like with the Twilight series). Just, fuck, no.

http://www.booksnreview.com/articles/1611/20121106/fifty-shades-grey-author-e-l-james-teases-new-book-christian-grey-perspective.htm

I thought there was absolutely no hope left for the human race, but then I did see this which cheered me up a bit... :-)

http://www.salon.com/2012/11/05/charity_to_use_fifty_shades_of_grey_as_toilet_paper/singleton/

Kate said...

This'll give you a nice aneurysm. There's now merchandise available, keyrings, bookmarks, mugs, etc.

It's not actually official merchandise (and I can't decide if that's better or worse) it's a company that makes general giftware jumping on the bandwagon. They're using the generic name "Mr. Grey" and a sketch of handcuffs to avoid copyright infringement.

I know because today, I spent a couple of hours I'll never see again sorting and labeling the stuff. Fuck my job sometimes.

amberance said...

Kate - I've said this to a couple people now, but never before in my life have I read a book where EVERYTHING was wrong with it. One can't fix an abuser with the magic of love, BDSM is not a cry for help, stalking is not romantic and adorable, abuse cannot be excused by simply having a lot of money, irrational jealousy is not the hallmark of "real" love, sex is not (or very rarely) a never ending series of earth shattering orgasms, especially with no previous sexual or even masturbatory experience, and a never ending series of orgasms cannot solve any of the previously listed problems. And that's before the terrible writing and the nonsensical plot and the total lack of basic research.

The Aristocrats joke appears to have been around for decades. I only became aware of it after the documentary about it came out a few years ago. I am inclined to start thinking about this entire series of books as an insanely long version of this joke in the hope that it will make me feel better about the fact that the books even exist.

Anonymous said...

Xenu is pleased.

veronica-rich said...

"and to stop them from saying that he...takes pictures of exactly that?"

He's the Nixon of porn, y'all.

Also, as I am 40, I'm obviously typing this as a skeleton. But a grinning one!

Becky said...

Every time I've had the faintest curiosity to read the book and see how much of a pile of crap it actually is, I read another of your posts and remind myself that I would not only be hurting myself, but putting your efforts to waste.

Also, I can't remember which section it was, but the bit where Ana wonders if it's possible to feel lust, or whatever, once you're married - that part I wanted to scream. I thought, "Yes, Ana. Yes, it b****y well is. Screw you."

I'm also wondering if that was a thinly veiled insult to EL's husband??

Thank you for your work.

Lucky Vine said...

"his blackmail photos make no sense by the way
he's afraid his subs are going to tell people he likes beatings with his sex
and to stop them from saying that he...takes pictures of exactly that?"

~ I haven't read the books, so my question is, is Christian himself in any of the photos? If not, then I would think they'd actually make GOOD blackmail material, because he's got graphic nude photos of all those women, but they've got nothing on him.