Friday, January 07, 2005

Why Is Amber Wearing a Skirt?

I don't dress up for work. I wear business casual pants every day. I comb my hair but don't style it and I don't wear make-up. I know I should, the whole "if you look good you feel good" thing, appearance counts, you should take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I'm just lazy. I dress up on the weekend every day. I put on make-up and do my hair and try to make myself as Fabulous as possible. I do it if I have a client meeting to attend. And if I get up early enough, I'll do it for work too. I'm just almost never up early enough.

Today I put on nylons, the skirt from my black suit, and my favorite electric blue shirt. When I showed up in the kitchen to get my coffee, I got an immediate reaction from Bianca: "Why are you all dressed up?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied.

As my friend Pronto keenly observed (how close were you looking at that photo? And where have you been? Are you still on vacation?), I have a belly button ring. I'd had the same one in ever since I got it pierced, a closed loop with a little green ball. It's not a screw on ball, it's one where you fit the two ends of the loop into the sides. It's very hard to get it out (I had to pull it apart with pliers. No kidding.) I had been getting bored with it for a while, so I decided I was going to get some different ones.

Last night at the store I saw the cuti-est curved barbell, with a little dolphin charm wrapped around a pink rhinestone. So I bought it and took it home.

I should tell you I'm kind of paranoid about changing this thing, which is why I didn't do it sooner. I'm totally convinced the hole is going to close up if I have nothing in it for more than 3 seconds. It's probably not true, but like I said, I'm paranoid. Also I'm afraid that once I get the old one out I won't be able to get the new one in, like the end is going to get lost in my stomach and never come back out the other side.

But I want this dolphin one. So, I pulled the old one apart (with pliers), and put some baby oil on it (and me), so that the baby oil would get in the hole when I pulled it out, and make it easier to put the new one in. And it worked! I got the new one through the hole and screwed the ball on the top. Then I admired myself in the mirror for a while, vowed to get my stomach flatter so I could show it to other people, and went to bed.

When Linkin Park woke me up this morning (I also bought a CD player/alarm clock last night), I got up, took a shower, and started drying myself off. And of course I hadn't screwed the ball on tight enough, so while I was drying myself it popped off and went flying across the room. Picture now a (dry) naked woman with wet hair, one hand on her stomach holding the dolphin so it wouldn't slip back through, and crawling on her hands and knees looking for a teeny-tiny round piece of metal. Yeah that's me. And I can't find it. Shit.

I gave up after 15 minutes and went upstairs, still holding the dolphin. The dilemma is: the dolphin is going to slip out unless I hold it there all day, and if I put the old one back in I'll never get that ball back on there by myself, what with the pliers and all, so that one is going to slip out as well. So what I decide to do is put the loop in, not worry about the ball, and go buy a new one at lunch today. But if I wear pants, I'm going to knock it out of there. But being so very brilliant, I had an idea. I grab a pair of nylons from my drawer and put them on, having realized that the waistband will hold the ring against my stomach for now and it won't slip out. So, since I have nylons on anyway, heck, I might as well get dressed up for work, right?

And that is why Amber is wearing a skirt today.

20 comments:

H said...

Sure, Amber, whatever. We all know you're wearing a skirt because The Grim Reaper appeared in your bathroom this morning and told you to. You were just afraid to tell everyone that Death appeared while you were naked.

Well, let me tell you, Death was embarrassed too. He told me. He was like, "Dude, I feel so bad, I showed up Amber's this morning just to tell her she'd look cute in a skirt and all -- you know, 'cause I'm really trying to expand my hobbies and maybe become a fashion designer -- but whoa, she was totally in the shower."

And I was like, "Oh, Death, you probably freaked her out. Bad form, man."

And he was like, "I so totally did. Normally I pride myself at showing up at appropriate times, but man, I hit the snooze this morning just one extra time, and look what happened. Shit man, she must hate me. I mean, I was in full uniform too -- black robe and my giant corn-shearing harvest soul thingee -- shit, what's that called? You know, that huge damn farming tool they make me carry?"

And I was like, "The sickle thingee?"

And Death was all, "Yeah, totally, thanks. Sheesh, senior moment! How old am I and I'm already forgetting important shit like that. Dammit. Anyway, I feel bad. I mean, I at least was able to tell her she'd look cute in a skirt, and she believed me. Or maybe she was afraid I'd drag her kicking and screaming to my apartment--"

And I was all, "Your apartment? You take people to your apartment now?"

And he was like, "No, sorry, the afterworld. I'm sorry. It's just that I call it my apartment with people who are more familiar with it. Sorry."

And I was like, "No prob. Go on."

And he was all, "Yeah, so I think that she thinks that if she told people who really told her to wear a skirt - AND that she was naked when that person told her -- everyone would think she was crazy and shit."

And I all, "Yeah, totally. Bummer, man."

And he was all, "Word. No more snooze alarms for me!"

And THAT'S why Amber is wearing a skirt today. Geez.

amberance said...

Alright, alright...Death did come by this morning and surprise me in the shower. But he didn't tell me wear a skirt, he just wanted to borrow my pliers. Said something about a hole in the gates of hell, and he bought some chicken wire and needed to twist the ends so it would stay on, but he didn't have any pliers, yada yada yada...anyway, I was startled because, you know, who expects Death? So I jumped when I saw him, and knocked the ball off my dolphin, and from there on the rest of the story is true.

monogodo said...

I know all about keeping the ball screwed on tightly on curved barbells. The night I met my wife the ball came off of my Prince Albert, so I got to show her the 4 gauge barbell w/o exposing myself. And yeah, popping the bead off of a Captured Bead Ring sucks w/o the proper tools.

amberance said...

OMG, 4 gauge? That's way huge. Anyway, problem solved, bought a cool twisty one at lunch. Screwed that sucker on so tight I almost broke it.

Eric said...

Although I like both versions of the story attempting to explain why Amber is wearing a skirt, I have to say I don't care WHY she's wearing a skirt, I just want to see pictures.

H said...

Ask Death, he's a total perv and would have access to things like that.

Anonymous said...

Cool your jets, it's not that short of a skirt.

amberance said...

Thank you for your vote, Tim. I'll be sure to consult you on length when I get dressed on Monday.

Anonymous said...

I think you know well enough by now to know where I would stand on that issue.

H said...

Underneath?

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmmm . . . . No. I know what Amber has never left the house without. However I am not sure she always came back with them though.

rajabee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
rajabee said...

Hey, I didn't mean to REMOVE IT!!!

OK Amber, can you believe I have spent nearly my entire work day (AND PART OF HAPPY HOUR!) reading this page?

Keep telling me about your plastic clothes, your Downy obsession (I knew using it would pay off someday...alas I had to go and get married, (again!), and your Chicago adventures (maybe I could hook you up with my brother-in-law....you might just hate him enough to have sex with him!) I'll keep reading!!

amberance said...

Thanks Rajabee! I'm headed to Chicago next weekend for my birthday party. I am sure there will be many shenanigans and goings on to blog about. I'll try to take some pictures to post, but I might be wearing lots of clothes as it gets effing cold up there...

Adventure Girl said...

The stomach piercing sounds painful... ouch...

amberance said...

It really wasn't that bad. It only takes 2 seconds. Besides, the adrenaline from being so excited dulls the pain. I'd do it again if I had another navel.

daniel said...

[quote]I'd do it again if I had another navel.[/quote]

You could do a multi-naval piercing like those ppl with 101 earrings in each ear!

amberance said...

I don't think so. There's a fine line between body piercing as a decoration and body piercing that looks like you've been hit with shrapnel, and I don't want to cross that. Earrings and one belly-button will do me.

monogodo said...

If you really want a rush, get your nipples done.

daniel said...

heh! yes, i was being a bit tongue in cheek.