I have decided that I am fat and therefore on a liquid diet. I have further decided that I am only permitted to chew things between the hours of 5 and 7 pm each day. Until Valentine's Day. At the earliest. My friends find this to be 1) unrealistic and 2) beyond stupid. I know because they've told me so.
Another thing I'm told frequently by Mary is that it is very challenging to be my friend. She is frequently exasperated with me, as is basically the entire rest of the world. Her oft repeated description of our friendship goes like this: "Amber is A LOT of work. But it's worth it." Shucks, Mar.
Here is a series of e-mails from about 10 minutes ago to illustrate Mary's point:
Mary:Wanna watch This Is Spinal Tap & put together a Hillenbrandt Dragon puzzle tonight?
Me: cool.
Mary:And if we get there in your chewing window, you can maybe have a burger?
Me:Oh, that's pushing it. What kind of burger? A Rob-created burger, or one you buy somewhere?
Mary:Rob created, if he will oblige.
Me:Oh, so you don't even know anything about burgers really do you? I'll have a salad if we get there in time.
Mary:errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, huh?
Me:You said we would get a Rob-created burger, then you said Rob doesn't even know we're going to ask him to make burgers. And since I don't want to drop "hey wencher (or whatever you would call a male wench), make me a burger dammit!" on him with zero notice, a salad would be fine. If we get there in time, which is questionable.
Mary:Well, he told me that he bought stuff at the store today, including burgers, and in the same conversation in close proximity to this information, he asked if you might be coming over tonight, so I just thought. . .
I mean, he is our boyfriend.
Me:I am disappointed I didn't get a nod for wencher.
Mary:This is an example of when you are work.
I have GOT to get her to move to Chicago with me. Who will talk to me if I don't?
2 comments:
I think you should take a picture of Mary and blow it up life-size. Then, make a life-size cardboard cut-out with it. Voila! You can then take Mary with you to Chicago.
And to make it better, secretly record some of her catch phrases. That way you can talk to the cut-out and then have it respond.
Also, when drunk, you can even make out with the cut-out. Beware of the papercuts, though.
Oh. My. God. That was the funniest thing ever Heather.
Cryptic, final decision on the car was Alistair. When it reminded my friend Tim of the guy on Masterpiece Theater, I just knew it was right.
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