Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Lessons Learned

I had an eventful birthday party. I learned many new things. I will now impart to you my new knowledge, so that you too can learn from my experiences:

1. Just because you went home with the bartender on Friday night does not mean that he won't try to pick up girls right in front of you on Saturday night. He may also tell stories about other girls he's taken home in the past right in front of you as well. He also will have no idea why this might bother you.

2. If a really weird guy invites you back to his place on Friday night for some champagne and weed, without ever bothering to introduce himself, and you tell said headcase that you are busy right then, but instead he should come to your birthday party on Saturday night, he will show up at the party. And have some kind of weird expectation that you will remember having invited him. And he will leer at you.

3. Shots make you drunk. Moreso when you are not accustomed to doing shots.

4. If you are having a conversation with a group of guys, and you make an offhand comment to the effect of "See, the key to giving a good blow job is that you have to actually like doing it. That's why I'm so good.", the gentlemen you are speaking with will suddenly become very very interested in you.

5. If that same group of gentlemen happen to be close personal friends of the aforementioned callous bartender, and you complain to them about the recent behavior of the callous bartender, they will be extremely understanding and sympathetic. Additionally, if one of those gentlemen happens to break up with his girlfriend the very same night, he will be extra understanding and sympathetic.

6. If the bartender sees you flirting with/being mildly groped by close personal friends of his, he will not be amused. He will express displeasure with all of the parties involved by alternately ignoring them and giving them dirty looks. He will find it entirely irrelevant that he was picking up chicks right in front of you and that you found this upsetting. It is possible he will send everyone angry text messages the next day.

7. If you piss off your bartender, you will have to get drinks from one of the other bartenders, because your bartender will be "too busy". This is not really a problem, so long as one of the other bartenders is a 60-something sweet little Asian man who recognizes you and knows it's your birthday.

8. If your brother makes out with his buddy's ex-girlfriend, and has dinner with her before the party, he may uninvite his buddy from your party. If his buddy shows up at your party anyway, and brings his new girlfriend, when he comes up to hug you and you say "Hey I thought you weren't coming!", he may flash you a big grin and reply, "Yeah, I heard your brother made out with my ex and he was afraid I'd be mad, but I honestly don't care. So I'm here." If you are drunk and being groped by personal friends of your bartender at the time he says this, you will forget to tell you brother about the exchange. Don't worry about this - your brother can always read about it later on your blog.

9. If you are a big Ohio State fan, and one of the bouncers is a big Michigan fan, you can still be friends so long as you are charming and cute. He will probably agree that Lloyd Carr is an idiot anyway.

10. If one of your bartender's close personal friends is a talented musician with a recording contract, and he complains about how bad he sings/plays guitar/plays piano, and further complains that all of his relationships with girls are volatile and end in disaster, he will not be amused when you disparagingly tell him he is "SUCH a tortured artist", even if it's true.

And now you know everything I know. Stay tuned to the Bizzybiz Blog for more helpful observations on drinking and awkward social situations as they occur. Or leave a self addressed stamped comment for amberance at the lessons learned post, and I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability.


Cap said...

Yeah, I talked to Dave and it was no big deal. I was actually hoping they wouldn't show up for Kerry's sake. When she saw Dave and his new gf walk in, she was not a happy camper.

amberance said...

Ahh, I didn't see that exchange. Upsetting girls at Tai's appears to be an epidemic. You, Dave, barkeep, Jim - it's the trendy thing to do it seems.

Eric said...

Favorite Amber Lessons:

#4. It speaks for itself.

#8, fourth sentence. You score points with me anytime you can use the word "groped" in a group setting.

Anonymous said...

That's all you learned. Somehow I think there was more to be learned.

amberance said...


The older I get, the more I'm convinced my comments in #4 are true. I'm overwhelmed by the number of girls I've talked to that just hate doing that, or think that it's a tool to get something else that they want. I don't think it should be a means to an end, it should be worth it as an end unto itself. Perhaps this is a discussion for another post...anyway, that's just my humble opinion. This kind of stuff is how I got nicknamed "amberance" in high school - it's a play on the word "Ambiance" which is a chain of high end sex toy/lingerie shops here in Cleveland.

amberance said...

Timmy darling, you're not helping your cause of learning something about which you don't know.