Tipping

Tipping is good. My bartender friend frequently points out that it is appreciated. I feel like I personally must leave people really big tips. The reason, of course, is that I think anyone who has to put up with my bizarre antics ought to be well compensated. It goes back to the attention craving issue: If I say and do bizarre things, I will either 1) make my waiter's day because he will think I am so funny or 2) completely piss my waiter off because he will think I am a total jackass. Either way he's going to go home and say, "You would not BELIEVE this nut job customer that came in today." Therefore, I am completely incapable of giving a straight yes or no answer to simple questions such as "Would you like guacamole with that?" Instead I say something like "Absolutely NOT, because guacamole is made out of avocados and that's just weird." I realize it is not actually that weird, but why be dull? I also like to accuse them of stuff. "Can I get you any dessert?" "You're trying to kill me, aren't you? You're trying to make me eat so much that I will explode. What did I ever do to you that you would want to kill me in such a cruel manner?" "Um, I'll just bring your check." This weekend when I went out drinking with the bartender, he asked me what I wanted to drink, so I said "Beer." He gave me such a withering look I almost thought he was going to tell me I couldn't have any. Instead he said through gritted teeth, "What KIND of beer?" In the interest of maintaining the connection between my head and my neck, I thought better of my original answer "The yummy kind!" and asked for a Corona. Sometimes I think I should start tipping all of my friends just for being friends with me.