Monday, April 18, 2005

Career Change

I'm bored. I'm bored of doing math. Don't get me wrong - I love the dynamics of statistics; between you and me, it's secretly the main reason why I like baseball so much. But baseball is a 6 month affair. Investment analysis goes on all year round.

Part of my professional dissatisfaction is due to the fairly close proximity of Vicodin Jim. The rock star life looks pretty attractive from the outside. Keep basically any hours you damn well please. Win affection rather than a meeting with the HR manager for dressing up like a complete freak. Actual "work" consists of practice (basically a big jam session), promotions (talking about yourself), and shows (people clapping for you and trying to talk to you/get your autograph/sleep with you). Granted, I have much nicer stuff than he has, but the accumulation of stuff is not one of my larger goals.

I don't want to be a rock star myself per se; what I want is to get paid to do something I would be doing anyway. I've come up with a few possibilities, as outlined below:

Professional Den Mother - Organizes activities, prepares snacks and desserts to be served during or after activities, drives small groups around to activity destinations. Can serves both groups of children and groups of adults.
Qualifications: Creativity; the ability to both cook and bake well; vehicle ownership; an aggressive mothering complex; an overwhelming desire to please other people, often at the expense of my own happiness and/or sanity.
Barriers to Entry: Real mothers who choose to fill this role for free. Broke rock stars will have difficulty paying for these services.

Professional Wry Observationalist - Observes human behavior and comments on it. Commentary should be geared towards, but is not limited to: stupid people, stupid behavior, social ironies and the very very obvious.
Qualifications: Ability to find some type of ineptitude in most people; disdain for society in general; a willingness to spend a great deal of time in bars; above average sarcasm.
Barriers to entry: Ragging on others does not generally imbue them with a desire to give you money.

Male to Female/Female to Male Translator - Translates ambiguous and sometimes not-so-ambiguous phrases from their original gender to the opposite. Some examples would be "It's not you, it's me", "I'll call you later", and "I love you".
Qualifications: Status as an anatomical female; a reputation for "thinking like a guy".
Barriers to entry: No offense, but sometimes I just don't get any of you people.

Professional Procrastinator - eh I'll finish this one later.


Eric said...

As to the observationalist, you'd just need to start spending more time on your blog, do blog-ads or the like, etc. Then, if you're lucky you'll find a benefactor who will pay you a steady paycheck. Example of this success route: Wonkette.

Web Swinger said...

The Wry Observationalist, I think that would be Seinfeld. And you forgot the one thing you really like to do and could make a lot of money doing it but unfortunatly it is considered illegal and immoral.

As opposed to den mother how about groupie it would be less work.

amberance said...

No, I wish to HAVE groupies not BE a groupie.

Pronto said...

hmmmm - as evidenced by the readership of your blog, methinks you already HAVE groupies.....

And, come to think of it, given your status as Den MILF, it appears that you also BE a groupie....

Now I'm confused........

amberance said...

Nope, Den MILF is because a band member lives in my house. Not because I'm chasing around a band. It's different. But I love my blog groupies! Mad props to you all!