Thursday, April 14, 2005

Den MILF

Vicodin Jim has a new band. The band is actually not new; it's just new that Jim is playing with them. It's also new that Jim is playing bass. The other band members are Joe and Dixon. Dixon is quietly funny, doesn't sing, hates acoustic guitar and rarely talks. Joe is incomparably funny, always on, sings and screams, plays guitar, does dead on impressions of Smeagol/Gollum and Meatwad from Aquateen Hunger Force and is as big of a Star Wars and LOTR nerd as I am. What I like best about Dixon and Joe is that they are, in comparison to Jim and the bartender, completely normal and rational human beings. You know, the kind that aren't hell bent on making you cry, and also have jobs? I like them both immensely.

I've been hanging out at band practice a lot, partly because I'm Jim's primary source of transportation and partly because I'm a loser and have nothing better to do. Last night I got home from work fairly early (i.e. the sun was still out) and found that Jim was MIA. When I rang him, I learned that there was a plan to have band practice that night, and could he have my permission to have Joe and Dixon over for practice at my house? (Sidenote: When the bartender found out that Jim moved in with me he went berserk, and sent Jim a text message that if he hurt me/used me for money/brought his druggy, loser friends into my life and/or apartment, that he would see to it that Jim's ass was thoroughly kicked. While I found this to be completely juvenile, especially in light of how many times HE has made me cry, it did serve to wake Jim up a bit and be more respectful of me and my space. He now asks before getting ink done in my living room.) I told Jim I’d be more than happy to host PGS band practice at my place.

As I mentioned, I think Joe and Dixon are great. What I may not have mentioned is that the prospect of entertaining company turns me into a mini Martha Stewart. People are coming over! Food is required! Appetizers and desserts! I ran to Jewel for supplies so I could feed the boys.

When Jim got home he found me in the kitchen. “What smells good?” he said, sniffing the air.

“Well, since everyone’s coming over I thought I should have some snacks. So I just finished making some chocolate cupcakes, I’ve got a taco ring appetizer thing in the oven, and now I’m starting on some homemade frosting for the cupcakes.”

“Holy shit! That’s awesome dude! Seriously, this is, like, so fucking cool. You’re like, the PGS den mother.” He moved to grab a cupcake.

“HALT! Those are for when the guests get here! And besides, there’s no frosting on them yet. You have to wait for the boys.”

At this Jim starts to whine like a little kid. “Awwwwww maaaan,” he complained, “but if I can’t eat stuff now, Joe will eat everything and I won’t get anyyyyyy!”

“Jim, I hardly think that Joe is going to come over here and eat over a pound of meat and cheese, the equivalent of 8 crescent rolls AND 12 cupcakes all by himself. There is plenty of food for everyone.”

“No, you don’t know because you’ve never seen Joe eat. Really. Joe wasn’t born; he was hatched from a cupcake.”

I gave him my best be-polite-to-your-Aunt-Gertie look and asked what color frosting he would like.

I set everything out on the coffee table in the living room (cupcakes ended up with light green frosting in honor of PGS, which is short for Pale Green Star, or maybe Stars, I’m not quite sure).

The evening was a huge success. Joe and Dixon exclaimed over how great my apartment was, and how well decorated. Joe announced I was now way cooler than I had been yesterday, due to the cooking, and the decorating, and the fact that I have a bunch of black and white photographs of naked girls and copies of Playboy in my bedroom. I mentioned that I liked the idea of being PGS den mother, to which Dixon replied I could be the PGS hot mamma. Eventually we settled on Den MILF. I was pleased. Clearly I will be cooking for band practice all the time now. Everyone praised the quality of my cooking and acted impressed that I could make frosting from scratch. We had a sing along featuring an old PGS song and “1000 Miles” by The Proclaimers. Joe did Meatwad for us.

Oh yeah, and they had band practice too.

SHAMELESS PLUG: You can check out PGS at http://www.pgsonline.net/, where you can also catch a glimpse of me under “Stupid stuff we probably only find funny” in the video section. You can also check them out this Friday night if you live in Chicagoland. I’ll be there. Potentially with more cupcakes.

1 comment:

Heather said...

i was there for this too... but no mention of me... that makes me sad