Monday, August 15, 2005

Stealth

Well, they did it. They made me watch Stealth. It was even worse than I expected. Off the charts unreal. Really.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for suspension of disbelief - it's pretty much how I get through the days. But in this one, they just asked too much of me, to wit:

  • The U.S. Navy has no qualms about sending new planes that are still in the testing phase into combat situations if they feel like it.
  • Insubordination and failure to obey direct orders in the U.S. Navy is not that big a deal, and in fact, your commanding officer will even tell you that you did a good job on the thing you were expressly ordered not to do.
  • An airplane developed by the U.S. Navy to be capable of thinking for itself, flying for itself, and continuously evolving will have an expensive state of the art cockpit built into it, just for fun.
  • The U.S. Navy is so inept at advanced technology that they need ubergeeks with scruffy hair and no social skills to take care of their expensive new airplane. Also, they will allow these geeks to hang out on their aircraft carriers.
  • Robots have DNA.
  • Let me repeat that one. Robots have DNA.
  • Technology geniuses who develop planes for the U.S. Navy are all really cool and suave, have giant, ultra modern houses and superhot women in tiny dresses hanging all over them.
  • Not only can you eject from your plane at 30,000 feet and still be conscious, but you will also be able to keep a running monologue about how fast you are falling so your friends on the aircraft carrier will know you're ok.
  • You can fall from 30,000 feet, have your parachute catch fire, live to tell about it AND have the wherewithal to hang on to your gun.
  • Sometimes your commanding officer will try to have you killed by outside assassins if you know too much.
  • Not a single person in the North Korean Army save for one guy can aim to save their lives. Our people never ever ever miss.
  • The border between North Korea and South Korea is separated by a chain link fence.
If I can save one person from going to see this completely worthless drivel then I can die knowing I made a difference. Please, I beseech you, spare yourself from the agony which I could not escape.

4 comments:

H said...

Haha! I knew as soon as I saw the previews for that POS movie that it would be just that, a POS. After the previews were done, I looked at Amy and said, "What the hell - who would design an airplane and not think about WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF IT'S STRUCK BY LIGHTNING?!?!" So lame.

The only reason I'd see it now is to make fun of it MST3K style.

Michelle said...

Hmm...A movie about a machine that comes to life after it was struck by lightning? I do believe there was a movie made in the 80's that followed that same theme...It was called Short Circuit...and believe me I am sure it was much more enjoyable..."Johnny Five is alive"

Web Swinger said...

Well the chain linked fence is probably not that far off the description along some parts of the border.

Hmmm superhot women in tiny dresses, hmmmm, sorry that is not even enough given what else you have mentioned. What a second how hot, how tiny? probably not hot and not tiny enough.

Frankenstein, now there is a being that comes to life after being struck by lightning.

eraseprofile said...

"Stealth" is a movie about a robot with DNA? Goddamit! How do these people manage to mess up a Jessica Biel movie?

Oh, Johnny 5... I still remember how he was reading those soup-ink blot things to show Steve Guttenberg that he really does have feelings. Bless his little robot heart.