Crazy Girls

Some years ago when 1153 and I were in Vegas we went and saw a show called Crazy Girls. It was alright I guess. I was somewhat underwhelmed. I mean, I was entertained by it, but it seemed kind of pointless to me to be sitting 14 rows back from the stage watching topless girls dance around when, for about the same price as the ticket, I could be watching completely naked girls dance around up close and in my lap at a strip club. When in Rome I guess.

That little story is pretty much not related at all to the point I'm trying to make here, and that point is this: Girls Are Crazy. They're all of 'em crazy, and they will drive you crazy, and they will drive themselves crazy. If you are a girl and you are reading this thinking, "but I'm not crazy!" well, that just proves that you are not only crazy but also delusional. Let me explain by way of example:

Driving Themselves Crazy

What is it with girls that are in bad relationships with bad people who make them entirely miserable and cry constantly that they will do absolutely anything to stay in their terrible relationship? Huh? (By the way, I am one of these.) Their ability to rationalize and explain away disrespectful and even downright abusive behavior on behalf of their partners is far more acute than almost anyone of the male half of the species.

I have this awesome friend who I love. She is pretty and funny and fun to be around, has a great heart, a great sense of humor, great taste in music and a job she's good at. Her boyfriend is a lazy, verbally abusive, persistently drunk, almost certainly cheating, very certainly lying, freeloading bottom dweller with no job. No paying job anyway. He lives in her house with her, uses her computer to chat online with countless other girls (who are told by him that he has no girlfriend) and justifies that behavior by saying he can't respect her because he doesn't like this guy who she knew, like, 5 years ago (4 1/2 years before she met her boyfriend), despite the fact that she hasn't talked to him since before she met her boyfriend.

We talked about it this weekend and I sat and listened while she relayed the following things:

• She feels she has to have him living with her because she doesn't trust him not to cheat if she's not right there watching him.
• She came across an e-mail from a mutual friend of theirs that alludes to him having already cheated on her.
• She is afraid to hang around with another friend of ours because she thinks he'll tell her bad things about her boyfriend that she doesn't want to hear (even though they're true).
• He continuously makes statements like "If we can't go three days without fighting it's over" and then conveniently "forgets" when they fight after a day and a half. (Keep in mind he has no where else to live.)

This girl is not stupid. She knows he is untrustworthy and she knows she should leave him. But she won't. Why? Because maybe this time he'll keep his promise. Because that 5 minutes a day when they're not fighting are really great. Because anecdotal evidence of cheating is not the same as actually catching him. In short, because she is a girl. In the end this relationship will not be over until he leaves her for another girl. Which she knows, but disregards. This is how we drive ourselves crazy.
Driving You Crazy
On the flip side of that coin, you sometimes find girls in perfectly good relationships with very nice people. And when a girl finds herself in such a situation she will do everything in her power to sabotage it. It's not on purpose. It's just because we can't help ourselves.
A guy friend of mine was recently dating a crazy girl. Incidentally, when it was pointed out to her that all girls are crazy she was horrifically offended, because she is not crazy, she is perfectly sane. She chased after my friend pretty hard-core early on. It started off rocky, but she was quite persistent. My friend is very sweet and nice and funny and adorable and a pretty good boyfriend as far as they go. Because of this, the crazy girl had to destroy it. So she cheats on him. Which is shitty, but that's not the crazy part.
When she tells him that she cheated he doesn't take it particularly well. In fact, he breaks up with her. Her response to this is quite frigging insane. She really, really, really wants him to reconsider and for them to stay together. And, you know, it's not an unreasonable request because the cheating was not her fault. Oh no! In fact, it is my friend's fault for pushing her into a relationship before she was ready! Obviously he should have known that this would lead to cheating. The holes in this logic could sink an aircraft carrier:

• If she wasn't ready for a relationship, why did she chase him so hard?
• The cheating was not an accidental, in the heat of the moment thing. She invited the guy over her house. To sleep over. She deliberately hid this date from my friend.
• If she's not ready for a relationship, why is it so friggin important to get this relationship she's not ready for back on track?

I think we all know the answer: girls are mother fucking crazy.
If it seems to you that my knowing that all girls are crazy should exempt me from the craziness, let me assure you that it isn't true. In high school I dated a 25 year old alcoholic who routinely had me drive him home long before I had an actual license because he was way too drunk to even handle opening the door. He took all my money from my restaurant job and spent it on booze and weed. He had no job of his own. I stayed with him for over a year. I loved him! Because I am a girl and girls are crazy.
Listen my friends: if you are out there trying to find yourself a girl who is not crazy, you are going about things the wrong way and you will be alone for a really long time. What you need to be looking for is a girl whose type and level of crazy is something you can learn to tolerate. Because we are all of us crazy.