Sunday, August 28, 2005

Hide Your Vegetables. Thugglife's In Town.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm out at the Douche Dorm this weekend, and I have the plague. It reached it's worst point yesterday evening while Fish, Thugglife and I were watching American History X. So when it was decided that the group would go out to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, I declined to attend. I wasn't terribly hungry, what with the plague and all, and I didn't want to face the prospect of having to sit up in a chair for an extended period of time. Instead it was decided that I would take a nap on the couch while JoE, Fish, Chester and Thugglife went to dinner, and that they would bring me back an order of celery and ranch.

So I napped fitfully for a while and awaited their return. In the course of this I suddenly discovered I was ravenously hungry. It came out of nowhere - I wasn't hungry at all, and then in the next moment I could have devoured an entire horse. So I was happy when Klug came home and told me the boys were on their way back, which meant that so was my celery. Or so I thought.

The guys trooped into the house. The moods of these gentlemen were a bizarre mix: Fish had a look of barely restrained fury, Thugglife was moping along sheepishly, Chester seemed nervous, and JoE was on the verge of cracking up laughing. I knew immediately that something was up. Fish sat down beside me on the couch. "Where's my celery?" I asked.

"Ask Chris," says Fish, at the same time as Chester says "There isn't any." Chris looked at his feet and JoE snickered.

I tried again. "Where's my celery? I'm starving," I addressed to Fish a second time.

"I told you to ask Chris," he spat. Chris had retired to the porch for a cigarette by now but JoE and Chester were in the kitchen attempting to restrain laughter. "Yeah, it's real funny for you guys, but I'm going to be the one getting guilt-tripped all night because there isn't any celery."

"You guys forgot my celery?"

"No. Almost. We remembered at the last minute and JoE went to get it. But it's gone now."

"What happened to it?"

"Ask Chris."

I am now pissed off for a number of reasons. First of all I am starving, and the meager dinner I was expecting was clearly not going to materialize. Secondly, there is obviously something going on that I don't know about and they're doing a shitty job of hiding it. And third, I'm angry at Fish for apparently thinking that I am going to start a jihad over a couple pieces of celery. Does he really think I am that much of a shrew? I decided on the silent treatment method of punishment for them all, closed my eyes and pretended I was trying to go back to sleep.

When Thugglife came back inside he sat down in the Lovesac and said quietly, "I'm sorry, ish*."

"Chris, where's my celery?"

Crickets.

Fish says, "Do you want me to make you something?"

I am exasperated. "NO. What I want is for people to answer questions when I ask them something. Where's my celery?"

"I already told you. The person you can thank for your celery not being here is Chris. So ask him. I'm going outside."

I exploded. "JESUS CHRIST! Is it that hard for you people to answer a simple fucking QUESTION? It's JUST LETTUCE!" Fish said nothing and shut the door behind him. JoE sat down on the couch next to me and I looked at Thugglife.

"I'm sorry, ish," he said in a tiny voice.

"Chris," I said calmly, "I'm not going to freak out over a couple pieces of celery. The only way I would freak out about it is if you guys just said, 'Fuck her' and didn't bother to get me any. Obviously at some point there was celery, and now there's not. What happened to it?"


"I ran it over with the car."

"You WHAT?" I shouted, and then burst into hysterical laughter.

"I ran it over with the car," he said again.

I was laughing so hard that I had tears running down my face. "Chris," I choked out. "How the hell do you run over celery with the car?"

"It was in the street."

"The street? How did it get in the street?"

"Ask JoE."

By now I'm laughing so hard my head hurts and I turned to JoE, who was also doubled over. "What did you DO?"

"O.K.," he says, "Here's how it went. We went out and then realized we forgot to get your celery. So I ran back in to get it. When I was coming out, it just leapt out of my hands and into the street right behind the wheel. And Chris ran it over. And then I just jumped in the car and we took off."

I didn't think I could laugh any harder than I was already laughing, but somehow I did. My head is pounding and I still can't stop. "That's just....(laughing)...That's...(laughing)....you ran it over with the car? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!" Over and over, until finally I had the entire house cracking up with me.

I dined on pretzels and orange juice that night. It was the best I'd felt all weekend.

*They nicknamed me ish, because while I am not Fish's girlfriend, I am girlfriend-ish.

7 comments:

sean said...

Ish is the name of the interior guy on "Pimp My Ride" who speaks hilarious Spanglish.

"That new seat cover is gonna be *whistles, does finger motion* too many tight"

Too many tight.

So, atleast you've got THAT goin for ya.

Michelle said...

I really need to stop reading your blog while I am at work...they are going to catch me because I am laughing so hard.

amberance said...

mybelle - The whole thing was so ridiculous. For the next 2 hours, I would just suddenly burst into hysterical laughter every time I thought about it. It got even funnier when I learned that after running over the celery, Thugglife apparently announced, "That's how I roll."

I love these guys.

Hot Heather said...

i'm gonna move to lisle so that i can hang out all the time... i miss out on so much! and i'm sick of my bullshit life... sick

TheJesusFish said...

We do have a good time...




Oh hay look! I remember passwords!

Anonymous said...

That IS how I roll!!!

sorry Im anonymous, but I wanted to read this and reply but dont want to fill out all the mumbo jumbo...

Thuglife from castle thugskull

kelly said...

thuglife, if you choose an "other" identity, you can put your name in, w/o out filling in all the mumbo jumbo, except for your name, of course.

in a related story, i (accidentally, of course) ran over my friend karl's cell phone. it created a really cool distorted mess on the lcd, so we took pix on my phone and he's gonna start an art exhibit of cracked lcd screens. i bet the celery and ranch spread out quite artistically on the road! :)