Sunday, August 26, 2012

They Are Mobilizing

Current status - Wide awake at 3 in the morning in my bed with all the lights on and writing a blog post on my iPad. My laptop would be easier, but it's in the living room and I can't get it. Why? Because the spider was or is still in there.

My newest readers probably don't know this yet, but spiders have been trying to kill me for years, and recently they seem to have stepped up their game considerably.

They started with psychological warfare. This is partly my fault for letting Mrs. Sizemore talk me into a midnight showing of The Amazing Spider-Man, but seriously, I'd already seen the Toby Maguire version and was expecting a similar origin scene - a single cartoonishly blue and red spider gets out and bites him. It's not the best thing for me to watch, but I can handle it. What I was not expecting was an origin scene where Peter Parker winds up covered in HUNDREDS of realistic spiders, and that the one that bit him would keep popping up in AT LEAST three more scenes. I did my best to look at the floor, but the damage was already done, and that, THAT is all the opening they need. What followed was a good three weeks of nearly daily nightmares about spiders, no doubt beamed there through the crack in my psyche from some secret laboratory on the other side of my bedroom wall.

Once they had me on the ropes, the invasion started. First they sent a scout, one of their allies, a centipede. It showed up in my bathroom one day, running full speed up the shower curtain I had JUST HAD MY HAND ON like a giant asshole moustache. The bartender found it later that day and put it outside instead of killing it like a sane person. THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED. He obviously reported back to them because next came the vanguard. While the bartender was away, I decided to make some cookie dough for dinner one night, but on opening the cabinet, a smallish black spider came running out and I screamed and ran away and vowed not to go back in the kitchen until the bartender came home. I decided to take a bath instead, since I was broken from stretching class. But as soon as I put the bathmat on the floor, the kitchen spider's identical buddy came crawling up the side of the tub. This was FIVE MINUTES after the kitchen thing happened. I managed to wash him down the drain (and then ran scalding hot water down it until there was no more hot water), but there was nothing I could do about kitchen spider except retreat to my room and lay in bed obsessing about all the ways it could have gotten ON ME.

This evening, after the bartender had left for work, because they know that I am UNDEFENDED, a spider came running across the living room floor I had JUST BEEN SITTING ON. Angela saw it and pounced, but unlike Kristen the angel kitty who would have eaten it immediately, Angela is Furry Satan and prefers to torture the bugs she finds to the point of madness without ever killing them. I texted the situation to the bartender at work, suddenly remembering that I'd heard the bartender kill one the prior morning when I was in bed and still half asleep. He helpfully texted back that in addition to that one, he'd killed two other spiders in the last two days, a fact I absolutely could have done without knowing THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So that's where things stand right now - six spiders and a centipede in my house in the last two weeks, all trying to get ON ME, the latest of which was being tortured into a murderous rage by my asshole cat who SUCKS at protecting me, and my roommate not due home for at least three more hours. I'll almost certainly be dead by the time he gets here. He'll come in my room to tell me about his night only to find my half-eaten corpse laying on the bed next to a note that reads "I TOLD YOU SO" and an army of evil arachnids standing on top of me in an arrangement that spells out "VICTORY!" It has always been just a matter of time before they finally got me.

It was a pleasure writing for you all.

UPDATE: Angela threw up this morning. The bartender theorized that perhaps she had eaten the spider. But I know her and she doesn't eat things, so I wasn't having it. "No she didn't," I told him. "I bet it spit poison on her! They were trying to neutralized the threat so they could get ON ME." Knowing I was already beyond hope, he immediately gave up and went to bed.

SECOND UPDATE: Now he's trying to tell me that all the spiders and centipedes lately are probably from when our neighbors cut down three huge trees in their yard, and all the critters that lived there are looking for someplace else to go. Yeah, sure. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT ME TO THINK.

THIRD UPDATE (8/29): I came home from class about an hour ago, and had just settled in on the couch with some delicious cheese and pretzels to watch Futurama when something on the ceiling caught my eye. GUESS WHAT IT WAS. The worst part was I had to sit in the room with it for 45 minutes waiting for the bartender to wake up and rescue me. It was an epic staring contest. He was thinking: "Go on, blink. Close your eyes for a split second, it's all I need." I was talking out loud to it: "You'd better not move. Do not start moving, you dick." He evaded the bartender's first two attempts to kill him, and wound up falling on the floor, causing me to jump up and run to the other end of the room. He was finally squished just before the cat got to him and she is NOT PLEASED that we broke her toy, so now I have two murderous animals to worry about. SEVEN. SEVEN IN JUST OVER A WEEK.


TrT said...

You cannot trust spiders.
I maintained an 8 month truce with them once, they agreed not to leave the corner behind my PC desk, I agreed to shine a light on their webs and leave the window open.

Then one day, strong from eating all the flies I lured into their web, they invaded and occupied my PC desk and window.

The treaty in tatters, they had to be wiped out

Jen said...

This one time a spider FELL ON ME as I was walking down the stairs, bounced off my insanely lustrous hair and fell DOWN MY TOP. I immediately launched myself into a screaming dance of horror and terror and started yanking my clothes off while I stumbled down the stairs, flinging them wildly away from me as I tried to get the devil-thing OFF ME.

So, yeah. That was the day the postman saw me topless. Fuck you, spiders.

charlotte browne said...

Once a HUGE spider stalked me for 3 days!! Woke up and it was sat on the wall facing my bed. I told it to be gone by the time I got home. It hadn't moved. So I nervously went to sleep because I couldn't tackle the beast. Next day, woke up. It was no longer on the opposite wall. I breathed a sigh of releif that was very short lived when I realised it had moved to the wall at the pillow end and was above me like it was waiting to pounce!! Again I told it to be gone on my return home. Got home to find it had moved to the wall that my bed is pressed against and was practically on my bed waiting to finish me off. I was like 'oh hell no! This has gone on long enough!' And got my mum to kill it with a show. Moral of the story, there is no reasoning with spiders. They are just pure evil.

charlotte browne said...

Just realised I meant to put 'relief' and 'shoe' I hate when I type wrong and then post without realising :/

amberance said...

This is the primary reason I can never live alone. I am 100% serious when I say that.

Anonymous said...
Need I say more? Spiders are out to eat us.

TheRob said...

If I spot a spider in my bedroom, I can't sleep until I kill it. The idea that there might be a live spider somewhere in my bedroom waiting for me to fall asleep...*shudder*

Anonymous said...

One special agent spider, a few months back, hid in the folds of a towel and actually crawled across my back after I had just got out of the shower. I'm still in recovery. I almost started drying myself with paper towels just so it could never happen again. My killing tip is to keep an encyclopedia, phone directory or similar large hardback book handy at all times. You can drop them from waist height and kill the evil beast without having to get too close.

charlotte browne said...

Apparently lemons repel spiders from your home. I have yet to try this out. However, I am loving the hardback slamming idea.

amberance said...

I seriously have the best friends anyone could ask for. BrownsFan went and checked out that link in the comments above for me and then came in to tell me I should definitely not click on it, as it goes to a video of a spider EATING A SNAKE.

Hannah said...

They are truly evil and anyone who says "Look at the size of a spider compared to the size of you - it's far more scared of you than you are of it" should be locked in a room with whatever seemingly-innocuous things scare them until they accept that it's simply not possible for a spider to be that scared.
I have actually flagged down a stranger on the street when I had a too-big-to-wash-down-the-plughole spider in my bath and no housemates at home to deal with it for me.

Browncoat said...

I totally get you, complete arachnophobic and THIS was on my head a few weeks ago:

(I took a picture to prove to everyone how horrible it was lol).

I'm still absolutely traumatized and I've become obsessed with checking my head every 5 mins now, especially when I'm in my flat. I live on my own and can't wait for the day my boyfriend can move down, it's so stressful being on constant alert!

I daren't wear my dressing gown anymore as I think it must have been on the back of it then crawled up. It took me bloody ages to catch it after as well as it ran into my wardrobe after I managed to throw it off in a blind panic.

I was really late to work but I couldn't just leave it in my bedroom, it had to be found! My Dad bless him was on the phone for an hour giving me a pep talk and trying to calm me down and actually considered driving the hour and a half to mine just to get it for me!

He stayed on speakerphone while I prepared for and did battle with beast; I had killer spray, a book and a plastic spider-catcher at the ready, I put boots on over my pyjamas so it couldn't touch my foot, then I stood on a chair and slowly lifted stuff out the bottom of the wardrobe using a stick so I didn't have to get too close. My Dad said all he could hear was wimpering, followed by an ear-splitting scream and he knew it had re-appeared lol!

Somehow, I managed to get the spidercatcher over it and to get it to the garden. I left it inside the catcher (I couldn't release it in case it ran straight back towards me!). After work a friend came back with me to get rid of it properly but it was dead by then, still inside. Oh well ;-P

Anyway, needless to say, I was in a right state! I can't get over it. It was the biggest one I've ever SEEN, let alone had to deal with on my own, and oh did I mention, IT WAS ON MY HEAD!!! :-(

Laura Mary said...

There is currently a dead spider (The Cat hunted & killed it but didn't eat it!) under a cup in my bedroom. It has been there for three days. Even dead I cannot bring myself to get close to it!!!

Q said...

Omg! These stories are hilarious! I had to leave the bedroom because i was laughing so hard. I have tears bahahaha

Lady Lazarus said...

You are absolutely right, they are plotting something.
I have just buried one of them alive inside the wall... I saw it crawling into a hole between the door frame and the wall when I was smoking in the back yard and had my boyfriend seal the hole with a piece of cloth so it cant get out. I swear they will make me quit smoking.
One of them tried to kill two people on the road one day. I was driving a car eating a plum {I know...], it dropped down on its web and stopped just an inch from my face, I threw the plum out of the window in panic and it hit the biker behind me. I managed to pull over and get rid of it - no casualties but it was a close call. I hate them so much I even considered starving my two lazy cats so that they start hunting the creepy MFs down ;)