Friday, August 31, 2012

The Invasion Continues

me: there was another spider in my living room last night

H-Town: wtf, amber
burn your apt down

me: right? i might have to move
luckily it stayed where it was all night so the bartender could kill it when he got home

H-Town: a HUGE spider keeps building a web across our back lawn
I don't know how they do that
I walk into it every morning
and yesterday HE WAS ON IT


H-Town: OH GOD
thankfully he didn't get on me
but I did say, out loud, "Holy crap, you're a huge fucker!"
thankfully no neighbors were outside

me: you'd think he would get tired of you ruining his hard work every day and go somewhere else

H-Town: I know that's what i was hoping
the huge ones on our front porch got the hint when i kept destroying their webs with a broom each day
only took two days, they figured it out moved it off to the side

me: they should have a talk with him

H-Town: spider meeting
"come on, man, stop trying to catch humans. it won't work"

me: "it's really not worth the effort. you're better off hanging out over here with us. we have some great flies."

H-Town: "We're right by the front porch light - it's a freakin' buffet, man."

For those of you keeping track at home, that's EIGHT spiders in my house in two weeks. EIGHT OF THEM.

H-Town apologizes for not reading more (i.e. at all) this week. She has good excuses though. Wednesday was her birthday. She's going camping this weekend for some reason. And today is her 10th wedding anniversary. Please join me in congratulating H-Town and A-Town on 10 years of destroying the sanctity of straight marriages everywhere. Ladies, I love you both. Or, more creepily, I love you both, ladies.


Anjel said...

Glad to join you in honoring A-Town and H-Town in 10 years!

Q said...

Yay! Congrats!

On another note...funny post!

Jen said...

Congrats A-Town and H-Town! Let's all do an obligatory eyebrow wiggle and draw out the word 'Ladies', because when is that not fun?

Also, I thought of y'all a couple of days ago when I was leaning against the patio door waiting for my dog to pee in the back garden. (She can't pee by herself, she has co-dependency issues.) A large, pale spider descended its horrid, sticky strand about an inch from my eyeball, making me freeze in place and damn near ruin my short shorts. IT WAS THE WORST. IT WAS PALE, WITH PALE LEGS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MISSING, SO OBVIOUSLY IT WAS A SPIDER CRIMINAL WHO GETS IN SCRAPS ALL THE TIME. Yabagarfgargh. I nearly died. It nearly got on me.

Anyway, congrats ladies. More 50 Shits of Malevolence stuff soon, plx!

Laura Mary said...

I killed my first spid last night. Felt like a true 'coming of age' moment.

I've been living on my own since February and this was like the ultimate test in 'can she make it alone?!?!?'
It was big and brown and gross, and I knew if I left it, it would vanish and then suddenly appear ON MY LEG three days later because that is exactly what they do.

My weapon of choice was a wellington boot. It was most effective!


SWB said...

When are you coming to London? You deserve a drink or 12 for writing this blog!

charlotte browne said...

Anybody that doesn't hate spiders does not know the true evil they possess. They're such perverts too. Like they are always in the bathroom or your bedroom, watching you, with their 8 eyes... *shudders* I want to invest in one of those plug in things that's supposed to like send out a repellent radar that deters spiders from your house. Also, I hate it when people are like 'oh don't kill it, that's cruel' NO!! You must kill it cos otherwise the spider will torture me with it's presence for days before eventually attacking me! You need to kill them before they breed and come back for you for sure.

Laura Mary said...

- also Charlotte, don't let people fool you into letting the small ones live.
Small spiders grow! Also, if you let them live they invite all their friends round.

charlotte browne said...

They do. And I don't care if they're supposed to kill the other bugs in the house. They're evil and I want them dead. Plus they so do not kill the other bugs in your house.
On another note, congrats on your 10 year gay marriage anniversary :D 10 years ago I was at high school resisting the urge to buy all the things she said by tatu (yes, I listen to crap music) because then 'everyone would know...' How times have changed. We now have civil partnerships (the uk is slowly getting there with gay marriage) and I've been out for 3 years. Well done for getting married at a time when I never thought gay marriage would ever be an option and for no doubt inspiring younger gay people that it does get better :)

Anonymous said...

I found a huge spider galloping around our bathroom, about the size of a terrier. So I brought the cat in. She ran it to ground and then she ate it noisily and with much enjoyment. It took quite a long time, and i felt a bit sick. Wish I'd just squished it.

Laura Mary said...

Ha ha ha ha!!!! I did the same thing when my cat was a wee kitten! Actually lured her towards a spider with a wiggly piece of string... I set up the whole attack and then was immediatly sickened by it and had to leave the room!!!!
The whole thing was just horrible! Why do they have to play with them for so long???

Kim said...

Read a paper today that made me think of your spider problems! Apparently, you just need more birds...

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