H-Town: I read more 50 shits of shit last night
me: let's talk about it
I've got diet root beer, white cheddar popcorn and a heart full of rage
H-Town: this is like a terrible beginning to the Blues Brothers movie
me: HIT IT
Chapter 9 begins with Ana being elated that Christian has said that he loves her. Which by the way, he hasn't actually said - she told him that he loved her and he agreed. But whatever, ALL HER DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE. She spends two pages telling us this and wondering if her "heart is big enough for both of them" since even though he loves her, he's too fucked up and full of self-loathing to be able to love. It makes no fucking sense. She then spends the following two and a half pages describing in minute detail the process she used to dry him off with a towel. I fell asleep on the bar from boredom and was only woken by people screaming at the Olympics on television.
me: the first thing i wrote was "Jesus, shut your hole already"
H-Town: and I again wrote "stupid bullshit"
it's my term of endearment for everything related to this book
will she AND Christian please stop saying, "Beautiful, fucked-up man"
it makes me want to punch a hole through a basket of kittens
me: she's got that whole thesaurus she's grinding on, but she can't come up with different adjectives to describe Christian
H-Town: fucked-upness is all she can do
"Hmm, how can I say that's he fucked up?
OH I KNOW - FUCKED-UPNESS"
cashes $50billion check
me: i also wrote down "two and a half pages of drying. TWO AND A HALF PAGES"
H-Town: OH MY GOD
and the part where she referenced the Bible (Ana looks in the mirror and notices Christian is naked and she has a towel wrapped around her head, causing her to think "we look almost biblical, as if from an Old Testament Baroque painting." I assume what they actually look like is two idiots who've just gotten out of the shower.)
me: I wrote "you are not the fucking Old Testament"
FUCK FUCKITY ASS FUCK
In response, I built a time machine, went back to visit Jesus.
He was PISSED.
me: Jesus was all "Bitch better step off"
he doesn't usually say bitch, but he was fucking serious
H-Town: in this case, he would totally say it
E.L. James mercifully skips over the ensuing sex scene. Ana and Christian then skip over an important conversation about his childhood because they are in love and therefore don't need to actually get to know each other at all. Then they get dressed for a day out because Christian has another surprise for her.
me: I seemed to be mostly pissed off at individual lines in these chapters
lines like "draped it artfully over his shoulders"
IT'S A SWEATER
H-Town: i wrote "please strangle him with the sweater"
anyone who ties a sweater over their shoulders like that deserves to be strangled with it
beat him with a JCrew catalog
me: well he needed a sweater draped over his shoulders.
THAT IS WHAT YOU WEAR TO GO BOATING (we aren't actually told at this point that they are going boating, but based on the stereotypical outfit and that fact that he's already done helicopter and glider as surprises, this probably isn't much of a spoiler)
On the way to the marina we're not supposed to suspect they're going to, Christian decides to stop at a Saab dealership because he "needs" to buy Ana a new car since Leila threw paint all over the first car she didn't want. There is no point whatsoever to this scene, it is just yet another pages long example meant to prove to us that Christian Grey is a very rich man and a chance for Ana to continue endlessly contemplating that ERMAHGERD HE LERVS HER!
H-Town: the car shopping thing was dumb
"Hey, let's show them buying some other expensive shit"
me: I liked when she was like "buying a car on a Sunday?"
ON THE LORD'S DAY?
H-Town: haha Now Jesus is really mad
He's all, "A SAAB?!"
me: "oh HELL no"
H-Town: I also at this point had to ask myself "What day is it?"
they're still on the WEEKEND?
fucking bars and galas and auctions and scary exes and car shopping and boating??
me: I picked up my laundry and went to the grocery store Saturday and I was like "shit, that is enough activity for one weekend"
H-Town: I know! they've hardly slept plus, so much sex
clearly I've been married for 10 years
me: also that scene she calls him god's gift to women
H-Town: yes, because he made me gay
so thank you, Christian Grey
me: HAHAHAHA I love you
H-Town: more like God's punishment to sane women
God's all, "Now, normally I don't do this but...hand gesture here's a little bit more crazy for you, World."
me: God was bored. Jersey Shore was in rerun, he had to do something.
H-Town: "I need some drama to watch...hmmm..."
then later, "OH MY ME - what have I done?!?"
me: "Sorry, my bad. Oh wait, you LIKE this book? I guess the joke is on me then"
starts over from scratch
H-Town: hahaha Thanks so much, EL, now we gotta start all over again
me: ooo can we get gills this time? I want to breathe under water
H-Town: I want my boobs to shoot lasers
After buying a Saab on a whim and having some lunch, they head for a marina. SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER. BET YOU NEVER SAW THAT COMING.
me: of course he has a boat
he just went to the transportation store and ordered one of each
I can't wait for the tank ride! and the submarine!
H-Town: and he'll know endless info on those too
has he flown a plane yet?
me: no, he has a guy that flies the plane I think
H-Town: but I bet he could fly it
it's called the douche bagel
me: they walk in the marina and she's like "so many boats"
IT'S A MARINA, what was she expecting, a lot full of tricycles?
H-Town: she goes into a parking lot "so many cars!"
she goes to an airport "So many planes!"
we go to her brain and say "So few brain cells!"
also, wtf - no poopdeck jokes?
swab her poopdeck, Christian!
plunder her booty!
oh his boat by the way
designed by the finest navy architects (actual quote from Christian: "She's been designed from the ground up by the very best naval architects in the world and constructed here in Seattle at my yard." Also, as I type that, I am JUST NOW REALIZING that he just claimed to own an entire shipyard. I want to force feed dicks to this douche canoe until he blows up like the guy representing "gluttony" in the movie Seven.)
because you need that kind of skill to build a catamaran
H-Town: I hoped it'd been designed by the finest blind water-phones
me: Liam is his boat guy whose accent she can't seem to place (E.L. James seems to be under the impression that this country gives out foreign visas like candy)
He's called Liam, what is the over/under on him being Irish? (In a plot twist NO ONE saw coming, Liam is, in fact, from Ireland.)
H-Town: why can't it be another dull Brit?
Also, why not a pirate?
"Yarrrr, Christian, I be yer guide today, Yarrrr"
me: he SHOULD be a pirate
full on pirate - eye patch, peg leg...only the finest sea dog for Christian Grey
"Ana, this is Captain Jack Sparrow. He drives my boat"
H-Town: "drive my boat"
And she takes the wheel
as "They shout nautical terms at each other." (HONEST TO FUCK ACTUAL LINE THAT WAS WRITTEN DOWN IN A BOOK AND PUBLISHED. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.)
aka, "I'm too lazy to look up nautical terms"
me: I LAUGHED SO HARD
I was in the bar with tears running down my face
H-Town: shit, just write, "PORT! STARBOARD! BATTEN THE HATCHES! ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!"
me: AVAST! OFF THE STARBOARD BOW! OUTBOARD RUNNER!
H-Town: I was hoping she'd get seasick and spend the whole trip hurling over the edge
me: I was hoping she'd fall in and get eaten by a shark
H-Town: even better
fuck this book in its nautically-termed dorsal fin
me: and then
why is her blood always on fire when that happens?
H-Town: she should get that checked out
maybe it's also causing her to pool...DOWN THERE
In Chapter 10, they take the boat back in and get some dinner, during which she goes back to her tired "he will never love me because I'm not a sub" insane self-absorbed rambling despite the fact that ALL evidence she has points to the exact opposite of this conclusion. Then they head for home.
Me: so chapter 10
she finds out Taylor's first name is Jason
they used his credit card the night before, she thought his name was Taylor Taylor?
H-Town: and gets busted for flirting (upon returning home, Ana thinks nothing of flirting with Taylor, right in front of Christian, and is absolutely astonished that somehow Christian found this upsetting. I don't even)
me: yeah, WHAT THE FUCK
"oh why is Christian so mad and jealous?"
um, maybe because you just told his butler you like being called Mrs. Taylor
Ana discovers that during their absence, Christian has had his people move all of Ana's clothes into his bedroom. He also declares that since they still haven't found the elusive Leila, Ana isn't allowed to go to work. Ana is aghast because she has to work for a living, a point she appears to make simply so Christian can tell her she never needs to work for a living because he has so much money he burns it for kindling. She insists that she does too need to work, and that she is TOTALLY safe because the armed woman in the midst of a complete mental breakdown hasn't killed her already, a statement which seems to indicate that despite constantly referring to Christian as a stalker she has no real concept of what that word actually means. Eventually, he allows her to go to work if she takes a bodyguard with her. Having solved all serious problems in the relationship, he takes her on a tour of the apartment.
H-Town: oh my god, he moved my stuff into his room!
NO ONE CARES
oh my god, he doesn't want me to go to work!
me: the whole apartment is covered by CCTV? REALLY?
because apparently NO ONE is watching it
since crazy pants just comes in and out at will
H-Town: yeah it's not working
me: maybe she has a concealed carry permit for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak
At the end of the tour, they end up in his library which is also where he keeps his billiard table since hard industrial plastic balls being hit with wooden sticks is conducive to reading books. They decide to play a round and make a wager on the outcome: if Ana wins they go have sex, and if Christian wins...well, he never actually says, but presumably they will go have sex.
me: oh god all I even bothered to write was "whole shit with the pool is stupid"
he leaned over the table, it was AMAZEBALLS
then I leaned over the table and he couldn't even speak
H-Town: there was so much leaning
did she think describing a game of pool would be interesting to read?
blah blah bending over blah blah
someone scratch and get this game over with
me: she's so glad José taught her to play
I’m sure it had nothing to do with standing behind her and pressing his crotch on her ass
me: the end of the chapter (James ends the chapter with only the 8 ball left on the table. Christian takes the shot and...that's it, we have to wait until Chapter 11 to find out if he made it or not. DRAMA.)
OH MY FUCK I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WILL HE MAKE THE SHOT? WILL HE MISS? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO THE DOUCHECAPADES TO FIND OUT!
the only reason to end a chapter like that is if this is a choose your own adventure book
"if Christian makes the shot go to page 259. If he misses go to page 302. If the table spontaneously combusts and kills everyone in the room, congratulations, you win at life"
also, we TOTALLY need to write alternate scenes everywhere there is a choose your own adventure moment
H-Town: oh my god, yes
although it'd be a lot of death