Tuesday, August 07, 2012

50 Turds Fouler

H-Town and amberance read and review Fifty Shades Darker so you don't have to.

H-Town: I read more 50 shits of shit last night

me: let's talk about it
I've got diet root beer, white cheddar popcorn and a heart full of rage

H-Town: this is like a terrible beginning to the Blues Brothers movie

me: HIT IT

Chapter 9 begins with Ana being elated that Christian has said that he loves her. Which by the way, he hasn't actually said - she told him that he loved her and he agreed. But whatever, ALL HER DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE. She spends two pages telling us this and wondering if her "heart is big enough for both of them" since even though he loves her, he's too fucked up and full of self-loathing to be able to love. It makes no fucking sense. She then spends the following two and a half pages describing in minute detail the process she used to dry him off with a towel. I fell asleep on the bar from boredom and was only woken by people screaming at the Olympics on television.

me: the first thing i wrote was "Jesus, shut your hole already"

H-Town: and I again wrote "stupid bullshit"
it's my term of endearment for everything related to this book
will she AND Christian please stop saying, "Beautiful, fucked-up man"
it makes me want to punch a hole through a basket of kittens

me: she's got that whole thesaurus she's grinding on, but she can't come up with different adjectives to describe Christian

H-Town: fucked-upness is all she can do
"Hmm, how can I say that's he fucked up?
OH I KNOW - FUCKED-UPNESS"
cashes $50billion check

me: i also wrote down "two and a half pages of drying. TWO AND A HALF PAGES"

H-Town: OH MY GOD
KILL
and the part where she referenced the Bible (Ana looks in the mirror and notices Christian is naked and she has a towel wrapped around her head, causing her to think "we look almost biblical, as if from an Old Testament Baroque painting." I assume what they actually look like is two idiots who've just gotten out of the shower.)

me: I wrote "you are not the fucking Old Testament"

H-Town: YES
FUCK
FUCK FUCKITY ASS FUCK
In response, I built a time machine, went back to visit Jesus.
He was PISSED.

me: Jesus was all "Bitch better step off"
he doesn't usually say bitch, but he was fucking serious

H-Town: in this case, he would totally say it

E.L. James mercifully skips over the ensuing sex scene. Ana and Christian then skip over an important conversation about his childhood because they are in love and therefore don't need to actually get to know each other at all. Then they get dressed for a day out because Christian has another surprise for her.

me: I seemed to be mostly pissed off at individual lines in these chapters
lines like "draped it artfully over his shoulders"
IT'S A SWEATER

H-Town: i wrote "please strangle him with the sweater"
anyone who ties a sweater over their shoulders like that deserves to be strangled with it
beat him with a JCrew catalog

me: well he needed a sweater draped over his shoulders.
THAT IS WHAT YOU WEAR TO GO BOATING (we aren't actually told at this point that they are going boating, but based on the stereotypical outfit and that fact that he's already done helicopter and glider as surprises, this probably isn't much of a spoiler)

On the way to the marina we're not supposed to suspect they're going to, Christian decides to stop at a Saab dealership because he "needs" to buy Ana a new car since Leila threw paint all over the first car she didn't want. There is no point whatsoever to this scene, it is just yet another pages long example meant to prove to us that Christian Grey is a very rich man and a chance for Ana to continue endlessly contemplating that ERMAHGERD HE LERVS HER!

H-Town: the car shopping thing was dumb
"Hey, let's show them buying some other expensive shit"

me: I liked when she was like "buying a car on a Sunday?"
ON THE LORD'S DAY?

H-Town: haha Now Jesus is really mad
He's all, "A SAAB?!"

me: "oh HELL no"

H-Town: I also at this point had to ask myself "What day is it?"
they're still on the WEEKEND?
fucking bars and galas and auctions and scary exes and car shopping and boating??
FUCK

me: I picked up my laundry and went to the grocery store Saturday and I was like "shit, that is enough activity for one weekend"

H-Town: I know! they've hardly slept plus, so much sex
clearly I've been married for 10 years
awkward silence

me: also that scene she calls him god's gift to women

H-Town: yes, because he made me gay
so thank you, Christian Grey

me: HAHAHAHA I love you

H-Town: more like God's punishment to sane women
God's all, "Now, normally I don't do this but...hand gesture here's a little bit more crazy for you, World."

me: God was bored. Jersey Shore was in rerun, he had to do something.

H-Town: "I need some drama to watch...hmmm..."
then later, "OH MY ME - what have I done?!?"

me: "Sorry, my bad. Oh wait, you LIKE this book? I guess the joke is on me then"
destroys earth
starts over from scratch

H-Town: hahaha Thanks so much, EL, now we gotta start all over again

me: ooo can we get gills this time? I want to breathe under water

H-Town: I want my boobs to shoot lasers

After buying a Saab on a whim and having some lunch, they head for a marina. SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER. BET YOU NEVER SAW THAT COMING.

me: of course he has a boat
he just went to the transportation store and ordered one of each
I can't wait for the tank ride! and the submarine!

H-Town: and he'll know endless info on those too
has he flown a plane yet?

me: no, he has a guy that flies the plane I think

H-Town: but I bet he could fly it
it's called the douche bagel

me: they walk in the marina and she's like "so many boats"
IT'S A MARINA, what was she expecting, a lot full of tricycles?

H-Town: she goes into a parking lot "so many cars!"
she goes to an airport "So many planes!"
we go to her brain and say "So few brain cells!"
also, wtf - no poopdeck jokes?
swab her poopdeck, Christian!
plunder her booty!

me: aye
oh his boat by the way
designed by the finest navy architects (actual quote from Christian: "She's been designed from the ground up by the very best naval architects in the world and constructed here in Seattle at my yard." Also, as I type that, I am JUST NOW REALIZING that he just claimed to own an entire shipyard. I want to force feed dicks to this douche canoe until he blows up like the guy representing "gluttony" in the movie Seven.)
because you need that kind of skill to build a catamaran

H-Town: I hoped it'd been designed by the finest blind water-phones

me: Liam is his boat guy whose accent she can't seem to place (E.L. James seems to be under the impression that this country gives out foreign visas like candy)
He's called Liam, what is the over/under on him being Irish? (In a plot twist NO ONE saw coming, Liam is, in fact, from Ireland.)

H-Town: why can't it be another dull Brit?
Also, why not a pirate?
"Yarrrr, Christian, I be yer guide today, Yarrrr"

me: he SHOULD be a pirate
full on pirate - eye patch, peg leg...only the finest sea dog for Christian Grey
"Ana, this is Captain Jack Sparrow. He drives my boat"

H-Town: "drive my boat"
And she takes the wheel
as "They shout nautical terms at each other." (HONEST TO FUCK ACTUAL LINE THAT WAS WRITTEN DOWN IN A BOOK AND PUBLISHED. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.)
aka, "I'm too lazy to look up nautical terms"

me: I LAUGHED SO HARD
I was in the bar with tears running down my face

H-Town: shit, just write, "PORT! STARBOARD! BATTEN THE HATCHES! ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!"

me: AVAST! OFF THE STARBOARD BOW! OUTBOARD RUNNER!

H-Town: I was hoping she'd get seasick and spend the whole trip hurling over the edge

me: I was hoping she'd fall in and get eaten by a shark

H-Town: even better
fuck this book in its nautically-termed dorsal fin

me: and then
INTERCOURSE
why is her blood always on fire when that happens?

H-Town: she should get that checked out
maybe it's also causing her to pool...DOWN THERE

In Chapter 10, they take the boat back in and get some dinner, during which she goes back to her tired "he will never love me because I'm not a sub" insane self-absorbed rambling despite the fact that ALL evidence she has points to the exact opposite of this conclusion. Then they head for home.

Me: so chapter 10
she finds out Taylor's first name is Jason
they used his credit card the night before, she thought his name was Taylor Taylor?

H-Town: and gets busted for flirting (upon returning home, Ana thinks nothing of flirting with Taylor, right in front of Christian, and is absolutely astonished that somehow Christian found this upsetting. I don't even)

me: yeah, WHAT THE FUCK
"oh why is Christian so mad and jealous?"
um, maybe because you just told his butler you like being called Mrs. Taylor

Ana discovers that during their absence, Christian has had his people move all of Ana's clothes into his bedroom. He also declares that since they still haven't found the elusive Leila, Ana isn't allowed to go to work. Ana is aghast because she has to work for a living, a point she appears to make simply so Christian can tell her she never needs to work for a living because he has so much money he burns it for kindling. She insists that she does too need to work, and that she is TOTALLY safe because the armed woman in the midst of a complete mental breakdown hasn't killed her already, a statement which seems to indicate that despite constantly referring to Christian as a stalker she has no real concept of what that word actually means. Eventually, he allows her to go to work if she takes a bodyguard with her. Having solved all serious problems in the relationship, he takes her on a tour of the apartment.

H-Town: oh my god, he moved my stuff into his room!
NO ONE CARES
oh my god, he doesn't want me to go to work!
SHUT UP

me: the whole apartment is covered by CCTV? REALLY?
because apparently NO ONE is watching it
since crazy pants just comes in and out at will

H-Town: yeah it's not working

me: maybe she has a concealed carry permit for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak

At the end of the tour, they end up in his library which is also where he keeps his billiard table since hard industrial plastic balls being hit with wooden sticks is conducive to reading books. They decide to play a round and make a wager on the outcome: if Ana wins they go have sex, and if Christian wins...well, he never actually says, but presumably they will go have sex.

H-Town: BILLIARDS

me: oh god all I even bothered to write was "whole shit with the pool is stupid"
he leaned over the table, it was AMAZEBALLS
then I leaned over the table and he couldn't even speak

H-Town: there was so much leaning
did she think describing a game of pool would be interesting to read?
shit
blah blah bending over blah blah
someone scratch and get this game over with

me: she's so glad José taught her to play
I’m sure it had nothing to do with standing behind her and pressing his crotch on her ass

H-Town: CROTCH

me: the end of the chapter (James ends the chapter with only the 8 ball left on the table. Christian takes the shot and...that's it, we have to wait until Chapter 11 to find out if he made it or not. DRAMA.)
OH MY FUCK I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WILL HE MAKE THE SHOT? WILL HE MISS? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO THE DOUCHECAPADES TO FIND OUT!
the only reason to end a chapter like that is if this is a choose your own adventure book
"if Christian makes the shot go to page 259. If he misses go to page 302. If the table spontaneously combusts and kills everyone in the room, congratulations, you win at life"
also, we TOTALLY need to write alternate scenes everywhere there is a choose your own adventure moment

H-Town: oh my god, yes
although it'd be a lot of death


Hey you guys, here is a picture of Pirate Liam, Christian, and Ana sailing around Menufuck Archipelago that I drew for you on the back of an envelope. You're welcome. (P.S. I can't actually draw.)

24 comments:

Kate said...

Wow, I now know for a definite fact that I could write a better book. So could you. So could a lot of people. And maybe I will.

Still enjoying your commentary as much as ever, especially the nautical bit, loved the picture too.

NinaH said...

You gals are hilarious! Thanks so much for torturing yourself, so I (and everyone else) can enjoy your misfortune ;-)

Derringer said...

So, long-time lurker here... wanted to say it is so good to have you ladies doing what I would otherwise be tricked into doing myself. I can't help it -- it happened with the Twilight series (shut up)... enough people said that it was the worst wet fart modern literature had ever conceived that I felt compelled to read and finish it. It was maddening.

THIS is perfect. Like having a good friend read you all the best/worst bits so you can have a laugh together and share in the need to destroy the abomination. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this. I look forward to your next installment.

Stacey said...

"This tastes stupid." Omg. Dying.

Shawn Lucas said...

Are you ladies stalking me and releasing these at times when I most need them? I noticed my next door neighbor reading the first book in the series, fought an urge to beat her about the head with the book, then set the book on fire. Realizing that this is a much more healthy release of my negativity, I came here to see a new installment of the Crappity Crap of Crap review. Thank goodness. I'm too pretty for jail.
As an aside, I've thought of writing 50 Shades fanfic where Christian is an escaped mental patient who ends up killing Ana and storing her body parts in the freezer at the end of the first book. Basically, it sounds like I would have to keep the book the exact same and simply rewrite the ending. I'll be sure to cut you both a check for 100,000 an hour and buy you both a Saab when I publish and sell a million billion copies.

Meg Hann said...

Not gonna lie, I thought H-Town was a dude and the laser boobies threw me off. I'm officially as dumb as Ana.

amberance said...

My coworker came in after she read this and "You'll use any xcuse to draw dicks, won't you?"

amberance said...

Do people often tell you that you're awesome? They should.

amberance said...

Oh, those tricky, tricky lesbians.

AlbionGal said...

"This tastes stupid" That was epic.

Anonymous said...

lol love the post and the drawing had me laughing on the floor.

Anonymous said...

Choose your own adventure! Fuck yes! Make it a fantasy with fairies and all that business! Ana would be all "OMG LOLZ!! I KNEW fairies were for realsies! How else could you explain all the magical mysterious beautiful fucked up things in the world? We're all made by fairies, sitting on top of their enchanted mushroom houses!" And then a dwarf could come in and cut everyone in half with an axe.

Joan said...

Douchecapades....LOVE IT!!! The only good thing about this shitty book series is reading reviews like this!! Laters (gag)...

Anonymous said...

cant stop giggling at work. PMSL @ God creating Christian to punish the world, 'what did she expect a lot full of tricycles', the pirate banter and the use of term douche canoe

illuminate1 said...

I love reading these! I am also slowly killing myself by reading book two. One of the words the author keeps using in this book is heady. "it was a heady mixture" "heady fragrance" I swear, bitch has used the word to describe smell/feeling like 8 times now. I want to throw it each time.

Romi said...

That drawing is AMAZEBALLS! :) *coughing from chocking from laughing*

Shawn Lucas said...

Beautiful fucked up man

--Sarah MacLachlan, "Building a Mystery".

Just came to me this morning as I was walking into work.

veronica-rich said...

You know what we used to do to fellow fanfic writers in the POTC fandom who wrote "he drove the boat?" WE MOCKED THEM. And that was for something for which none of them, as far as I know, ever received a seven-figure advance. Not even 7 cents. We had writers who correctly learned parts of a ship just to write Sparrow/Norrington porn, fer chrissake. FOR FREE.

Quality snark, as usual. HIT IT. LOL

Q said...

I fucknk love the shark! " this tastes stupid!" Bahahaha so great!

Anonymous said...

Just finished the second book because of you two and hated every second of it. At this point, I'm not sure whether I hate you or think that you are awesome. Book itself was pain, I couldn't find a reason to live (except maybe the faint hope that there may be enough alcohol in this world to make me forget everything I had read) before putting it down for the last time.

I also started the third book. You better make it damn hilarious. This one sure is. Love you and keep up the good work, you are restoring my hope for the human population.

Btw, they just translated the book into Finnish (my mother tongue). I may have to move somewhere far away.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Been burning through these and the last few days I've been trying to cut back because I can tell I'm almost caught up AND WHAT WILL I DO? Been linking this to friends. Still contemplating finding a cheapy-cheap copy of book one so I can hate myself more.
Just wanna throw in one thing, though! I don't want to make it sound like I'm defending James and Ana's incredible stupidity, but in the US it is very uncommon for car dealerships to be open on Sundays, a fact I only learnt this year when buying my first car. Still, though, pretty sure The Most Amazing Man Ever could sneeze and the dealership would open for him. Haha.

Lizard said...

Oh my god, your guys are ny heroes of the day! I must admit I actually enjoyed these books (first two at least...) (sorry!) - however, your condemning them is soo much more fun! Thanks for that, honestly! :-)

Lucky Vine said...

"H-Town: I hoped it'd been designed by the finest blind water-phones"

~ I don't get it. I looked up "water phone" and found only literal results. Do you mean that a portable, water-proof communication device built the boat? Because that makes no sense whatsoever, not even as a joke.

Candy from Olympia WA said...

"we look almost biblical, as if from an Old Testament Baroque painting."

oxymoronic or just moronic?

"they shout nautical terms at each other"

wow. just wow. wow.

and I wondered: why didn't they just repaint the damn car?

thank you for helping me focus my hate and diffuse it with humour so it doesn't tear at my insides until I am so skinny and famished from hate that my pants fall off my hips.