Wednesday, August 01, 2012

50 Tears Wetter

H-Town: ok, where to start on this shit-stravaganza

me: let me just say, I took almost no notes because this is so stupid I can't even think anymore

H-Town: YES I am the same way
I fucking hate this book
A-Town was laughing at me last night because I kept making all these irritated noises and saying unfinished things, like, "What the...NO."
and "This is...COME ON. FUCK."

Chapter 7 starts off just after Ana bid $24,000 on a weekend in Aspen she could have gone to any time she wanted for free. She is nervous because she is now expecting Christian’s full on wrath over the fact that she spent money she repeatedly told him she didn’t want on a purchase he doesn’t approve of, begging the question of why he demanded that she take it in the first place. “We’ve been getting along so well” she thinks and I write in my notes “For, like, five minutes” because it is STILL THE SAME DAY as when she saw Elena in the hair salon, and they had a screaming match in the street over it, by my estimation, roughly 10 hours ago. He tells her he doesn’t know whether to worship at her feet or spank her over it. The first option isn’t something this character is likely to say, and the second one she hates, so of course she immediately goes for door number two because it is the most ridiculously out of character option available. Afterwards she ends up rubbing his dick under the table, which for some reason she is surprised about.

H-Town: They're at the table after her stupid aspen bid
and oooh la la, naughty under-the-table hand play!

me: oh yeah! table hanky panky
"I didn’t realize what he was doing"
REALLY?

H-Town: Then there's the dance auction

There is a first dance auction in which all the single ladies get on stage and the men have to bid on them for the first dance. Christian’s sister Mia strong arms Ana into participating and strongly implies that if anyone else tries to bid on Ana, Christian will iron his face. This is how we know that someone else will try to bid on Ana.

H-Town: here's an EL James original that I wrote down because it made my brain want to exit my skull and go play in traffic
"the tall, pink powerhouse that is Mia..."

me: she’s a pink
house

H-Town: I bet you have a sex toy that you refer to as your "tall, pink powerhouse..."

Me: yes. It has hello kitty on it. Is that wrong?

H-Town: I was begging for someone to bid $100k to end the goddamn book

me: oh god that whole scene
1. her reaction to Christian being a brawler in high school

H-Town: haha, yes

me: NO WAY BOYS GET IN FIGHTS SINCE WHEN?

H-Town: I wrote, "Really? You're surprised he was a brawler?"

me: 2. "oh shit that's me" (Ana was completely startled when they called her name even though she was standing on a stage for exactly that purpose)
go fuck yourself

H-Town: "Why am I arguing with myself?"
Yes, why are you, you stupid pile of hair.

Me: 3. Your shrink? YOUR SHRINK? You are in a bidding war for your girlfriend with your SHRINK? NO (EL JAMES ACTUALLY WROTE THIS. The bidding war we foresaw coming was between Christian and his therapist, Dr. Flynn. Which is plenty stupid by itself, but gets even dumber when we realize Christian isn’t upset about this at all)

H-Town: HATE
stupid bullshit

Christian wins the auction by bidding $100k for Ana, and while the rest of the girls are auctioned off, Christian and Ana run off to his childhood bedroom to fuck since it is absolutely the only thing they have in common and they haven’t done it in almost three hours.

H-Town: then it's time for the naughty sneak away to his room

me: where he's never brought a girl before
guess what? I’ve never brought a boy to my bedroom at my PARENTS’ house either, and I'm Slutty McSlutpants

H-Town: Neither have I!
SHOCK

me: THIS MUST MEAN SOMETHING THEN

H-Town: and she comments on some random kickboxer photo and says, "I don't know who that is."

me: oh yeah, that was classic

H-Town: I wonder if EL James knows that kickboxer personally and just wanted to name drop him
I had posters of Ickey Woods, Michael Jordan, and Ferraris on my bedroom wall as a kid. I just thought you should know that.
giant huge lesbian

me: you were missing cats and softball players. lesbian fail

H-Town: oh, there were cats
and I played softball
so don't worry
anywhore after stupid spanking naughty time in Christian's bedroom... she looks at his photos and just starts naming famous places
Eiffel Tower!
Grand Canyon!
looks at AAA Travel magazine
Mt. Rushmore!
Taj Mahal!

Me: and of course the photo of his mom. Which isn't important
pay no attention to that photo behind the curtain (Ana notices a photo of a woman she’s never met but who looks sort of familiar and asks who she is because she is too stupid to realize it’s his mother. Christian tells her it’s “no one of consequence” because his mom is a dead crack whore and that’s why he likes spanking people. Please kill me.)

H-Town: then they go dance
to songs that would be in a high school theater boy's playlist

me: shut up, H-Town, those songs have MEANING
side note: I've Got You Under My Skin is just asking for me to make jokes about having a crotch rash
I will never take anyone seriously if they play that for me. Ever

H-Town: and she makes a joke about him having just been in her vag because that's the same thing
"I've got you....pounding my vag..."
"I've got you...stalking my life.."
"I've got you...deep in my bank account..."

me: and then she dances with the shrink, which I just about lost my shit over

H-Town: OH MY GOD
that's when I wanted to punch the book so hard that EL James would feel it.

me: before the really bad stuff, the part about how he's British
"I’m super boring because I'm British" (Again, James ACTUALLY WRITES THIS: “I’m really a very dull person. It’s a British trait. Part of our national character.” James appears to hate women AND hate British people. Is there anything about herself that she DOESN’T hate? WHAT IN THE SPONGEBOB FISTING FUCK?)

H-Town: Yeah, way to dig your own peeps, EL
I'm surprised she didn't add a comment about him having bad teeth.
"His gnarly horse teeth were gross and I bet he enjoys England's awful food."

While they’re dancing, Ana starts asking the therapist all sorts of questions about Christian. And because this would violate all kinds of patient privacy laws and be heart-stoppingly unethical, he says he can’t answer them. And then immediately does it anyway.

me: "hey tell me about Christian"
"I can't. But he's super fucked up. So much it would take a year to tell you everything that is wrong with him. And even though I just said I can't, feel free to come by my office and I’ll tell you all about him"
I DON’T EVEN

H-Town: KILL
then she has some stupid fake argument with Christian (Ana “jokes’ with Christian that Dr. Flynn told her everything. Christian panics because of course he does)

H-Town: Christian: "WHATTT? You'll leave me?"
Ana: OMG NO I WON’T LEAVE WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!
butthurt

me: I wrote down BECAUSE HE ALWAYS THINKS THAT AND ALSO YOU DID. LAST WEEK.

H-Town: Then the child molester threatens her
and for once we get an OH SNAP moment from Ana

Elena corners Ana and tells her she’s great for him and that Christian is in love with her, and that she wants nothing but happiness for both of them, but that if Ana hurts him again she’ll be answering to Elena. Ana responds by calling her a pedophile and contemplating telling Christian that he can never talk to Elena ever again.

H-Town: Finally, we end the chapter with crazy-go-nuts girl destroying her beloved Audi and maybe being in the house
At this point I'm hoping someone will just blow up the house with them all inside so we can end it.

While they were at the party, Lelia came by to slash all the tires on Ana’s car and pour paint all over it. There’s also a chance she has somehow gotten inside the house. Chapter 8 begins with Christian and his crack security team combing the house and finding no one.

me: I like how Christian is the one who practically called in a SWAT team, but he thinks TAYLOR is overreacting
she might be in the house, but you know, no biggie

H-Town: and oh no, don't involve the police
lady is armed and batshit, but let's handle it ourselves!
because clearly your security on its own did so good at keeping her out of your house and garage
so she goes to sleep and he stays up to be all important and dark and brooding and sexy
Oh, I wrote down a line from when she wakes back up and goes to find him all alone and dark and brooding and sexy
"Your beard grows quickly," I whisper, unable to hide the wonder in my voice at this beautiful fucked-up man who stands before me. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAGE

me: yeah, it's because he's not 14 you twat

H-Town: I need something to stab
And just keep near me while I read this book
this book should come with a complimentary knife and stabbin' pillow

Ana wakes up and sees what looks like a shadowy woman standing at the foot of the bed. When she looks again the woman is gone and she assumes it was a dream, however the doors of the balcony are wide open, as apparently Lelia is secretly Spiderman. When Christian realizes this, he packs some bags and they go to a hotel, where they plan to stay until crazypants is captured.

me: so then we find out she really was, and still is, in the house

H-Town: Christian Grey's Security System, brought to you by Swiss Cheese Security
When You Absolutely Don't Want Someone In Your House, Call Swiss Cheese Security

me: and Ana’s like what do you mean we can’t stay here? Aren’t you overreacting?

H-Town: PUNCH

me: i wrote "no one in this book knows what overreacting means"

H-Town: and the hotel allows dogs and has a fireplace
WHO CARES
Also, you're in Seattle, not the Arctic. Stupid roaring hotel fireplace.

me: i wrote about that "rich people can do whatever they want"
also, the porter being startled that they showed up at 3 am because no one has ever arrived at a hotel in the middle of the night, ever

H-Town: and the desk clerk being all gushy over Christian
Please
overnight desk clerks can hardly talk
they're half-asleep and looking at porn on their computers
And then. INTERCOURSE
snooze
ps, did you write down the word "inveigle" from their car ride to the hotel?
EL James thesaurus sexy time.

me: I did. I wrote “inveigle” JESUS CRAP.
question: how does Christian get help with anything ever if every single person he comes in contact with is paralyzed by the sight of him?
just curious

H-Town: it's like everyone goes all fainting goat around him

me: hahaha

In the morning, the gynecologist who makes house calls shows up again, because when Ana broke up with Christian last week, she immediately stopped taking the pill LIKE A DUMBASS. The doctor explains to her that doing so was FUCKING STUPID and there’s a chance she could be pregnant. As it turns out she’s not, but instead of sighing with relief, she panics just as much as if she’d been told she WAS pregnant. Since she obviously can’t be trusted to look after her own reproductive health, the doctor gives her a Depo-Provera shot instead.

H-Town: oh my god the doctor and the pill scene
I MIGHT GET PREGGERS WITHOUT THE PILL

me: OH MY GOD

H-Town: ANA YOU STUPID BAG OF ANTLERS

me: and then AND THEN
as it turns out she's not pregnant, but then she spends the next five fucking pages being all oh I can't tell Christian I COULD have been pregnant even though I’m not and fucking panicking
YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT
RELIEF, that is how you feel
IT IS THE ONLY WAY ANYONE EVER FEELS WHEN THEY GET THAT NEWS AND DIDN’T WANT TO BE PREGNANT
I didn't want to be pregnant and I’m not

H-Town: HOORAY CONFETTI

me: FUCKIN A LET'S CELEBRATE

H-Town: Even if she was, it would be proof that God hated us.
so they go to shower to celebrate and one of the best lines from Ana happens.
It's not meant to mean what I think, but I could not stop laughing.
"My turn to swallow." (they are both nervous because she’s washing the lipstick off his chest and trying not to touch him while she does it. She starts to cry because she can’t bear his pain. She tells him that she loves him and so does everyone else, but he can’t handle it because crack whore babies don’t deserve love)

H-Town: HA HA HA HA
I peed
good thing I was in the shower.
and he breaks down all, "I'M A HUSK OF A MAN!!!!"
waaaaaah
EAT A BAG OF DICKS

me: same paragraph "I don't have a heart"

H-Town: at that point I wrote this in my notes, "FUCK THIS BOOK WITH AN ARMY OF HAMMERS."

me: in my entire life, I have never wanted to go watch Wizard of Oz as much as when I read that sentence
he's like all the Oz characters at once

H-Town: YES
we are on the same wavelength

me: husk = scarecrow
no heart = tinman
DON'T LEAVE ME I'M SCARED = lion

H-Town: CHARLIE TANGO = flying monkeys

me: no one can know who I really am = wizard
everyone loves him for no reason = Toto

H-Town: aunty Em aunty Em, it's a twister it's a twister = Christian's dark sexy brooding soul

me: DONT TOUCH ME = angry apple trees

H-Town: the yellow brick road = Christian's $100k/hour
we're on to something here

me: we are. we need to film this

At the end of the chapter, whilst still in the shower together, Ana gets Christian to admit that he loves her. H-Town and I barely reacted because who gives a shit.

Me: I like how he finally admits he loves her, and we both are like "meh"

H-Town: I need to hump a thesaurus like EL and find another phrase for "STUPID BULLSHIT"
or rather, the 50 Shades trilogy should be a new synonym for "stupid bullshit"

me: "oh that is SO Fifty Shades"

H-Town: speaking of stupid bullshit
NBC's coverage of the Olympics has been so 50 shades so far
Anyway, that's all I have
besides endless rage
I'm glad we're going through this together

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Lelia is secretly Spiderman" - brilliant!!

Anjel said...

Loving the Oz comparison, and how confuckulated the entire plot line of this book is. I officially have NO desire to read it, but am anxiously awaiting the newest installment of your blog!

Angela Koch said...

I love the word confuckulated!

Q said...

Omg I don't get the sneaking away to fuck every five minutes! I'd get bored with it sooo quickly! The landlord at my Master's apartment complex asked him yesterday..."you're a Christian Grey aren't you?"

Fuck our lives....then she asked if she was gonna get any noise complaints about us...really?!

Laura Antoniou said...

I never noticed the Oz connection! You two are literary criticism juggernauts. I fear you.

Romi said...

SPONGEBOB FISTING FUCK and OZ I'm dead now!
your brilliance stupefies me

Rebecca said...

Fainting Goat effect! Loved it. Fifty Shades of Fainting Goat.

3am Wisdom said...

I am sorry for your pain, but I actually never, EVER want these books to end just because your reviews are so hysterical.

Kate said...

Wow, there's some worrying stuff hidden amongst the stupidity and bad writing.
If you're so scared of your boyfriend that you still panic over the fact you could have been pregnant even after learning you're not then something is very, very wrong.

I would apologise on behalf of the UK for inflicting this dreadful woman and her books on you but seeing as you gave us Stephanie Meyer, I guess it balances out.

thegreatbj said...

I love the fact that he didn't actually say "I love you" instead she said "I know you love me" and he agreed with her.... fail

also I'm British and I find the way she portrays the British very annoying (I imagined the shrink to be like steven fry on crack)

Anonymous said...

A quote from this very brief article from the Chicago Tribune website: "Sorry.Long live erotica, but life is too short for bad sentences."
You may appreciate this - from a conscientious objector / resistor of 50 Shades...
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/ct-met-schmich-0803-20120803,0,7027181.column

Anjel said...

I love this blog so much. Every time someone tells me that they are going to read the books, I direct them here. I am certain that the world can be saved, one reader at a time!

Eileenie McMeanie said...

This is hilarious. Thank you for making my day!

Joan said...

Another great review; thanks for the laughs. My biggest rage moment came when Christian thought $100K for ana was "money well spent". WTF? If he had paid $100K to punch her in the face, I'd have to agree, though.

Derringer said...

she’s a pink
house

<3 this forever.

Kate said...

Just popped back to ask if you've seen 51 Tints of Granite?
If you haven't you should totally read it, trust me, you will laugh.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8078352/1/51_Tints_of_Granite

Anonymous said...

"Beautiful fucked up man" is a direct quote from a Sarah McLachlan song. A good one, too. I hate that a song I love has been connected to this awful book. But I do love your posts, I feel like I get to understand the book without wanting to stab myself in the eyeballs! Instead I get to laugh! Thank you!