Thursday, August 16, 2012

50 Shrieks Higher

Chapter 11 begins with the dramatic resolution to the “Who will win this game of pool?” Mystery Theater. Turns out it’s Christian. They proceed to have some spanky sex right there on the pool table, as you do.

H-Town: chapter 11: Spanky Spanky

Me: Christian wins! TIME TO BANG

H-Town: this sentence make me el oh el
"I am hot and bothered and damp in all the right places."
I read it out loud to A-Town
and said, "I sure hope she doesn't mean her basement. Damp basements are a sign of a more serious problem."

Me: bothered and damp in all the right places, bothered and damp

H-Town: I should recommend a basement guy to her

Me: yeah, he can help her figure out what's wrong DOWN THERE

H-Town: Also, again, fuck her stupid inner goddess
all this goddam "my inner goddess prepares her floor dance routine" and "my inner goddess does a backflip"
SHUT THE FUCK UP
I hope her inner goddess has a terrible training accident and ends up paralyzed

Me: as soon as I see "inne.." I skip to the next sentence

H-Town: good idea

Me: I got extremely angry in this sex scene.
See if you can guess why

H-Town: because this book sucks huge yak balls?

Me: yes, but there is another reason
"We're lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don't need safewords."
I'M SORRY WHAT?

H-Town: That was my second guess

Me: exactly who DO you need a safeword with then? The gardener?
"I was thinking about putting some geraniums over..." "SAFEWORD! SAFEWORD!"

H-Town: when you're entering a seedy bar
no wait, that's a password
"bubbalicious! BUBBALICIOUS!"
(example safeword)

Me: Also completely stupid:
Here bend over naked and try to hit that ball
Now he JUST SAID he was going to spank her
and she says "It's so unexpected I yelp"
FUCK YOU. STEVIE WONDER SAW THAT COMING
Also, here’s a thing that keeps bothering me
we haven't really addressed directly yet

H-Town: yes?

Me: all that shit she writes in italics

H-Town: Oh right, when he goes, "Now I'm going to give it to you"
and she's all WHAT? GIVE WHAT?!
FUCK YOU ANA

Me: NO ONE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

H-Town: and all that HOLY COW, HE'S SO HOT
Stop saying holy cow
You are not robin of batman and robin

Me: Holy cow, Batman! What could “let me have it” mean?
POW
It means that, tard wonder

H-Town: BAM!
ZAP!
CUM!
oh wait
THESAURUS!
ZOT!
BOOM!

Me: Thesaurus is EL's safeword I bet

H-Town: CUNT WAFFLE!

Me: I took a lot more notes on this sex scene than I thought actually
"He eases two fingers inside me and moves them in a circular motion"
Wow, he is amazing
That’s so different from all those other guys doing trapezoids in there

H-Town: I had hoped for trapezoid
haha

Me: YES
THIS IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND

H-Town: "he tries a parallelogram, and I lose my shit."

Me: he attempts a pentagram, but Jesus shows up and says "guess again"
ok, that's enough banging for one day
something I have never said in real life

The next day they both get up for work. In the spirit of “you aren’t allowed to leave your office because a girl I used to fuck might shoot you”, Christian has his house wench or whatever pack Ana a lunch. She is amazed at this because in all of her life she has never once brown bagged it to school. Ana gets to work and her first order of business is to begin emailing back and forth a bunch of nonsense with Christian. She is interrupted by her boss, Creepy McRapistpants, who tells her he’s going on a business trip to New York next week and needs her to come along. And stay overnight. Ana decides not to tell Christian right away and then does it anyway about four asinine emails later. True to form, Christian loses his shit, starts an argument with her over it, and eventually gets in touch with his magical “people” and has her trip blocked. She sends back a tirade of ANGRY CAPS LOCK about it that includes references to spanking, fucking, and whipping. Not for the first time, she’s using her work email account for this. Christian loses his shit some more, but his magical IT faeries are able to wipe the offending email from the server because that’s fucking likely.

H-Town: then she's at work and they act like fucking moron kids
seriously, Ana and Christian are those two friends you have that are dating and drive you insane because of all that stupid ass drama
you try to stay away from it, but it sucks you in
sort of like a Kardashian vagina

Me: HEY-OO

H-Town: their stupidity and drama have their own gravitational pull

Me: it's like a black hole of stupid
again, why does she continue to use her work email for personal shit?

H-Town: Black Hole of Stupid

Me: oh right, my bad

H-Town: oh and big surprise her boss is a creepster
another plot feature Stevie Wonder pointed out

Me: oh question: how does this shitpencil have a job? he harassed the two girls before Ana bad enough for them to quit, please explain how HR hasn’t fired him (Christian somehow has knowledge that the two assistants Jack had before Ana both quit due to his sexual harassment, though apparently this was never actually reported to anyone and he just knows it by magical telepathy. In the meantime, Jack has asked Ana to stay late and work on some edits to a memo. He then stands close enough to her to keep brushing up against her and watches her do it while asking her a series of inappropriately personal questions.)

H-Town: WE ARE IN MAGIC CANDYLAND
"HEY CAN YOU STAY LATE AND LOOK AT MY COCK -- I MEAN THIS ESSAY THAT NEEDS MY COCK - I MEAN EDITS."

Me: and speaking of HR, why doesn't she realize that is a viable option for making creepypants stop? he's brushing up against me, whatever do I do?

H-Town: COCK PUNCH

Me: you tell him to BACK THE FUCK UP before you saw his balls off with blunt scissors
but no
the answer is
of course
you mention that you are dating Christian Grey (This is precisely how she gets him to stop touching her. Actual thought from Ana: “You see, Christian? Even your name protects me.” Mother of Jesus, help me.)
THIS IS THE SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM THAT EXISTS

H-Town: Ana: "Man, I have to take a massive dump. But there's no bathroom around!"
Ana: CHRISTIAN GRRREEEY!
*bathroom appears*
and a dump is taken
*scene*

Me: holy shit, Christian is the State Farm guy!
"Like a good neighbor, Christian is there!"
With a plunger!

H-Town: oh my god
YES
Like a big stalker, Christian is there...WITH A DOSSIER ON ME!

Me: Like a huge asshole, Christian is there....TELLING ME I CAN'T TAKE A WORK TRIP!

H-Town: Like a big fuck-up, Christian is there...BUYING EVERY COMPANY I WORK FOR!
are we to chapter 12 yet?

Me: almost, first they bang in the elevator
then it's chapter 12

H-Town: oh right
I'M SO MAD AT YOU
SEXY ELECTRICAL FEELINGS
INTERCOURSE

Me: I did write never ever ever open a condom with your teeth
pretty sure that's the first thing I ever learned about condoms
1. this is a condom. 2. don't open it with your teeth

H-Town: I like that she recognizes the foil ripping sound
when I hear foil ripping, it means we're about to defrost some turkey for dinner.
sexy and I know it

Me: wigglewigglewiggle

H-Town: yeah

At the start of Chapter 12, Elena shows up at the house to announce to Christian that someone is blackmailing her. Ana eavesdrops on the conversation, during which Elena says nothing but nice things about Christian and Ana being together, which of course makes Ana angry because HOW DARE THAT EVIL WOMAN APPROVE OF ME? She starts up again with the insane “how can you associate with that child molester” for which I swear I have now read 3000 times.

Me: ok so chapter 12
HERE COMES THAT BITCH WHO IS ALWAYS NICE TO YOU

H-Town: and she's being blackmailed, I like that they set up fake intrigue.
Also, here comes one of the funniest parts of the whole book.
She creates the name "Lincoln Timber."
LOLOLOLOL

Me: hahahahaha right?
this is another place where I was 100% agreeing with Christian and I hate myself for it
why are you mad that I’m obsessing about something that's none of my business?
BECAUSE IT IS OVER AND THEREFORE IRRELEVANT

H-Town: they are stupid annoying teens
DRAMA RAMA

Me: "Can we ever have a normal conversation without it disintegrating into an argument?"
not so far
the solution to which, obviously, is to move in together (Earlier, during the emailing back and forth from work, Christian had asked Ana to move in with him and she has agreed. Five weeks. They have known each other FIVE WEEKS.)

H-Town: sex solves everything
Heal the world...bang it into a better place
for you and for me and the..entire human race

Me: just bang a lot and moving in with someone you've known for five weeks and can't get along with will totally work out for the best!
It went really well for Chad Johnson

H-Town: ZING!

Me: Then we have another awful episode of CHRISTIAN GREY - MASTER PIANIST

H-Town: and a Pretty Woman piano sex scene
I hope her feet on the keyboard during sex sounded either like this
or like this

Me: I'm impressed that Christian didn't accidentally play Beethoven’s 5th with his wang gyrations

H-Town: she goes, "When did he take off all his clothes?"

Me: he didn't. he has smart clothes, they fall off and fold themselves neatly on a chair when they sense he wants to bang
it's super convenient, way more practical than crotchless panties

H-Town: Like a big creeper, Christian is there....WITH SELF-REMOVING CLOTHES!

Me: AND A MUSICAL WANG!

The next morning, they wake up and have a conversation over breakfast in which Christian refers to his birth mother as “the crack whore”.

Me: the next day, she awakes from her dream of "overly blonde and dark haired women"
so....most of them? because she's pretty much only missing the darker blondes and the gingers

H-Town: oh my god, the part where she asks Christian to think of good memories and he goes, "I remember the crack whore baking and the smell."
HA HA HA

Me: oh my god I know

H-Town: the smell of the ho, or the ho's cookies?

Me: or maybe of the crack?

H-Town: Nabisco presents "Crack Whore Cookies"
NO WAIT
BETTY CRACKWHORE
OH MY GOD

Me: you just won the internet

Kate’s brother is moving into the apartment Ana shares (for now) with Kate, and he stops by Ana’s office to pick up the key. The dialogue between Ana and the receptionist is some of the least believable dialogue James has written to date, and that is saying something.

Me: "your boyfriend is so dreamy Ana"
no one says dreamy unless they are mocking you

H-Town: so true

Me: and that same girl with the dreamy, when Ethan stop by
"you sure know some hunky guys"
the front desk is in some kind of weird time vortex where it's 1950, just right there
all the time, forever

H-Town: "Golly gee, Ana, you sure are the bee's knees!"

Me: "Work after I'm married? Ha ha ha, you sure do have some funny ideas!"

H-Town: "I can't believe I have a job!" *has a baby*

Me: vacuum cleaner magically appears

Ana’s work day is largely uneventful since all she ever does is email Christian all day long and his name is a magical shield that protects her from her boss. After work, Christian and Taylor pick her up at her office and drive to her apartment, where they are to pick up Ethan and all go out for dinner together.

Me: so did you make a note of it? on page 307?

H-Town: pants hanging from hips?

Me: YES

H-Town: why of course!

Me: THE MAGIC HOVERING PANTS HAVE RETURNED
ALL HAIL THE BELTLESS WONDER PANTS
we should redo these books, but everywhere it says "his pants hang from his hips" change it to "his ass crack beckons to me"

H-Town: "his pants bulge uncomfortably in the front”

Me: "his pants sag down to his ankles and he raps a hello greeting"

H-Town: "his pants droop, showing off this 'FREE LUNCH' tattoo, complete with arrow."

Me: "his pants fall off and he trips and face plants into a vat of acid"

H-Town: "his pants fall down and out walk a family of clowns."

Me: and they all stab Ana. because that's what clowns do. They stab you.
"He farts in his baggy pants and drifts off like a beautiful fucked up balloon"
the end of the chapter is a perfect example of what I mean when I say James has no continuity in her characters
she knows she wants a scene where Ana is alone with Leila pointing a gun at her
so even though Christian never lets her out of his sight, and even though he knows Ethan is in the house and ALL MEN WHO KNOW ANA MUST DIE, and even though he forces her to take a bodyguard to work every day because they still haven’t found Leila, he's all "yeah, go get Ethan all by yourself. I have no problem with this in any way"
I’m sorry Ms. James, I’m afraid I’m going to have to call shenanigans on you

H-Town: call more than that on her

Me: for once she did actually end a chapter with a legitimately dramatic cliff hanger (Ana walks into the apartment assuming Ethan has kindly left the door open for her and runs smack in to Leila standing in her kitchen holding “a small revolver”.)

H-Town: I started reading the next chapter because I was really hoping it'd start with a "BLAM" and she'd die

Me: no, that's the choose your own adventure ending we are about to write
"Leila levels the gun at me and I freeze like a character in some sort of obscure style of painting that will make me sound educated."

H-Town: also, Leila talks like Gollum
so that's all I could think of

Me: yeah that's about it for that
I WONDER HOW SHE WILL WRITE HER WAY OUT OF THIS ONE?
like a Chuck Norris Christian is there....WITH A DROP KICK TO LEILA'S FACE JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME

H-Town: I have no more adjectives.

Tomorrow morning, I will be getting on a plane and flying to Baltimore to visit with H-Town and A-Town live and in person. The bad news is that we have shit to do all weekend and won’t be having any standard chat reviews. The good news is that I am bringing both the book and a video camera with me.

14 comments:

Shawn Lucas said...

This is the best one? The one that gets everyone hooked after the first one sucks so bad that they are offended by the mere mention of E.L. James? That's this book? I seriously have to move off of this planet.

StereoNinja said...

I really like your use of vaginal Eucalidean geometry plus also cunt waffle.

Anonymous said...

I seriously laughed my ass off for this.

Also, ETHAN IS GAY
HE HAS A TAN

Samantha Crawley said...

wrote a new novel. It is Fifty Shades for the assertive woman. Its the reverse scenario of a submissive intern guy and his dominant female boss.
Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Her-Toyboy-ebook/dp/B008YGMRIU

lostinaseaofblogs said...

I lost my drink when the toilet magically appeared by saying "Christian Grey". That was awesome.

Browncoat said...

It was the "He farts in his baggy pants and drifts off like a beautiful fucked up balloon" that made me lose it lol. Everyone in the office was wondering what the hell I was laughing at, but they won't understand cos, luckily for them, they haven't read the books.
I'm glad in a way that I have though, but only because it allows me to appreciate the hilarity of your posts! Love it! :-)

Ange said...

This post is brilliant from the geometry to the hovering pants.

Can't wait for more.

Rozzie said...

"We're lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don't need safewords."

SO ANGRY

yet so amused by all of the rest of it

charlotte browne said...

I'm british and I am very, very ashamed of EL James. I've decided that she loves her thesaurus that much that she merged it together with a dildo like a mad frankenstein.

James: it's alliiiiiive!! I shall call it, thedildo!

Thedildo: an alternative word for thedildo is dildaurus.

James: oh yes! You're making my vagina wet!

Thedildo: an alternative phrase for that is pool down there.

Clearly thedildo was a rubbish thesaurus lol.

amberance said...

Charlotte - That is the best comment that has ever been left on this blog in its nearly 8 year history.

charlotte browne said...

:D I'm very glad you approve. I proper love this blog. It makes me chuckle soo much. I'm glad my google account worked to sign in with :)

Anonymous said...

LOVE THESE REVIEWS.

And I know, asking for any sort of logic in these books is like asking a kumquat to solve differential equations, but since Magical Christian owns the company Ana works for, why doesn't he just fire the creepy boss? Also, how long has Christian known that Creepy Boss harassed his prior female employees? SUCH AN ASSCLOWN.

Lizard said...

Woah this was definitely the funniest part til now - the pants! Laughed so hard I had to beg my friend for a distraction so he coud read on his book! :-D Thaaaaaanks so much!

Lucky Vine said...

Shitpencil = BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm going to have to remember that one. XD