Wednesday, September 05, 2012

50 Hurrs Derper

H-Town and amberance read Fifty Shades Darker so you don't have to.

H-Town: I'm pretty sure that if you read "50 shades darker" out loud in a forest, every living thing would run/fly/jump away in sheer terror.

Me: truer words have never been spoken

H-Town: every sentence gets worse and worse
Every time A-Town asks me to tell her what's going on, I just shake my head "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START."
How many English teachers have been driven to drink or worse because of this book?

Me: In the future this year will be known as "The Year The English Teachers Jumped Off A Bridge"

Chapter 16 picks up where the last one left off - with our worthless fuckhole of a protagonist getting cornered by her blatantly creepy boss after hours. Instead of immediately crotch punching his rapist ass, she stands there listening to his insane and disparate ramblings which range from "You owe me because I fought for you to get this job since Elizabeth thinks you're worthless" to "you are obviously a spy sent here by Christian Grey to get me fired" to "quit acting coy, I can totally tell you want to jump on my happy stick right now". Predictably, because it has been endlessly foreshadowed since the second she showed up on her first day, Jack has noticed that she sends an inordinate number of ridiculous and sex laced emails to Christian all fucking day long. He has also noticed that Christian's return emails all seem to have mysteriously disappeared. For some reason he thinks this is something he can blackmail her with (to whom?) and he tells her he'll stop looking into what happened to Christian's magic emails if she'll just suck his dick on command et cetera from now on. Eventually it dawns on her to actually defend herself and she kicks him in the nuts, runs outside, and dramatically sinks to the ground in a near faint, at which point Christian arrives just in time to catch her before she hits the ground and I throw up in my mouth a little.

Me: So Chapter 16
Everyone Wants To Rape You
I am never going to Seattle; evidently it is a rapist colony
My first note in this chapter is "I KNEW she sucked"
when he was all "You should totes blow me for getting you this job since Elizabeth thinks you're dumber than a houseplant"

H-Town: HAHAHAHAHA
Also, hurr durr blackberry

Me: yep, that wasn't foreshadowed to death or anything
IDIOT

H-Town: I can't wait to see what Jack Mehoff Hyde has on his hard drive
pr0n

Me: I know right

H-Town: watch, it'll be something tame but she'll treat it like it's a deviant lifestyle
MEN HAVING SEX!

Me: EGADS!
I also wrote down "a smart blackmail rapist would have saved all her emails on a thumb drive"
and then I thought it's a good thing I’m not a criminal because I’d be scary good at it
I was confused why she didn't just immediately crotch punch him, but then she did eventually so I decided to let it go

H-Town: no shit
go all "Office Space" printer on him

Me: but then on page 370, when she runs outside and then DRAMATICALLY crumples to the ground because she almost fainted because she hasn't eaten in 6 months
I rote "please be kidding with this"
wrote

H-Town: lol, rote
u r EL James
I would have a hard time not driving the car over the boss as he left

Me: that was another thing that made no sense
"oh my boss tried to rape me just now...no please don't hurt him"
uh, no Christian gets to do whatever the fuck he wants to jack right now
so jack totes gets fired and she thinks she'll get fired for getting him fired?

H-Town: no one said Ana is smart
well, Christian did

Me: in between yelling at her for being stupid, that is (Christian goes ballistic when Ana tells him that the basis of Jack's blackmail attempt was her idiotic emails. He makes a phone call to have all of Ana's emails to him erased (why he didn't do this when he had his OWN emails erased off the server would be a mystery if we didn't already know that E.L. James can't write her way out of a paper bag and has to manufacture plot points). He will continue yelling at her for this the entire way home. She will continue to have absolutely no idea why he is upset with her.)

Me: I like how she explains that she knew how to kick jack in the balls because her dad was in the army
I was picturing weeks of boot camp where everyone is just kicking each other in the balls constantly
though he probably did need to teach her that since she's never had any instinct for self-preservation at all
So now that everyone is home safe from the near-rape experience, it's time to have a fight (The apparently minor issue of "my boss just tried to rape me" now forgotten, Ana tells Christian that Jose wants to come visit, touching of the second argument between them in as many hours.)

Me: "I should get to see Jose because I don't moan about you seeing Elena"
SAY WHAT NOW?

H-Town: STUPID BULLSHIT

Me: she CONSTANTLY complains about his friendship with Elena
every waking minute of her life

H-Town: I wish this book would quickly end in a murder suicide

Me: that would be more realistic than any end she could come up with where anyone lives
she's like "you are always mad at me"
I wrote "TOTES marry him, it will be puppies and rainbows!"

H-Town: I bet Ana would even make Ellen DeGeneres mad
Also, there are never any disagreements or arguments in marriage
ever.

Me: Ellen DeGeneres AND Delilah

H-Town: hahaha

Me: and then he's like "nuh-uh, I wasn't mad at you this morning"

H-Town: "There was a period of 30 seconds when I was totes happy with you."

Me: oh great, that one time, for five minutes, while you were fucking?
sure, that counts

H-Town: "Then I punched a hole through Charlie Tango's vagina."

Me: no, no you're right, this relationship is entirely stable

Following that argument, Christian goes off to work, while Ana wanders into the playroom and discovers - GASP - it has sex toys in it. Christian conveniently comes along to explain what all these mysterious gadgets do, which sounds as though he's reading descriptions out of a catalog.

Me: And then the tour of all those CRAZY WEIRD sex toys!

H-Town: YOU ARE A DEVIANT!

Me: also known as "an inventory of things in my bedroom right now"
butt plugs?
OMGWTFBBQ

H-Town: This was just EL James retyping the list of things she once saw for sale online at a sex toy shop
I'm surprised she didn't leave them in alphabetical order

Me: when she said "the butt drawer"
I got this stuck in my head for HOURS

H-Town: hahaha

Me: "how does he make that sound so erotic?" (This is an actual line in response to the following description of nipple clamps: "You can wear them very tight...or not. Depending on your mood.")
well, you are talking about sex toys, it really shouldn’t be that hard
also, she’s cool looking at: butt plugs, anal beads, nipple clamps, a ball gag, a Wartenberg pinwheel....
but when he's like "these are vibrators"
she's all NNOOOOOOOOO
 I CAN'T LOOK

H-Town: FAKE PENII!
(plural of penis)

Me: and then INTERCOURSE
but first on the way to the intercourse

H-Town: which does exist, by the way
Intercourse, PA
so you can actually be on your way to Intercourse in real life, yo

Me: we HAVE to go there and take our photos by the sign

H-Town: and then have our status say "WE'RE HAVING (lunch in) INTERCOURSE!!!"

Me: YES

H-Town: I've been there, it is a cute little Amish town right near Blue Ball, PA
seriously

Me: NO WAY

H-Town: Yes way

Me: *starts packing*

H-Town: directions for you

Me: and this is why I love you
anywhore, on the way to intercourse
James writes another thing that is so ignorant and wrong I completely lost my shit

H-Town: you have no more shit to lose with this book
your shit is so far gone it came back and got lost again.

Me: this book may very well kill me, it's true
she compares wanting to participate in kink
TO ALCOHOLISM (Christian: "I'm like a recovering alcoholic, okay? That's the only comparison I can draw." NO NO NO. A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES NO.)
YOU JUDGEMENTAL TWAT KAZOO

H-Town: Twat Kazoo
that deserves an award

Me: it deserves to be a real thing
What instrument do you play?
Twat kazoo
and I really thought that was going to be the high point of my rage for this section, I really honestly did
but it never works that way
never
because every single sentence in chapter 17 is the worst sentence I’ve ever read

H-Town: oh my god, the hate

After they wake up the next day and have some morning sex that includes the following vagina drying description: "as his lips journey leisurely across my clavicle", Christian takes Ana out to see her new Saab, which she then drives to work. This journey includes an argument about whether or not she is capable of driving and listening to music at the same time. I'm not making that up.

H-Town: Let’s start with the car where he describes all of it like a commercial
also, IT PLAYS CDS, MP3S AND YOUR IPOD?!?1
WHAT KIND OF CRAZY FUTURE TECHNOLOGY IS THIS?!?!

Me: that was ridiculous
and mp3 "discs"

H-Town: Yes EL James, clearly into technology
she probably looks for the "any" key

Me: HAHAHA
"The key goes here"

H-Town: Cars need keys?
Can't Christian just make it go with his thoughts? or his wang?

Me: he can make anything work with his wang
he flies Charlie Tango with it

H-Town: signed,
Christian Grey,
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings
Personal Tripod

Me: Then she goes to work and again, I thought "this is the single stupidest thing in this entire book"
let me get this straight: Elizabeth didn't want to hire you because you are less competent than a drunk turtle, so when your boss gets fired a week and a half after you start working there, they decide to give you his job? (This ACTUALLY HAPPENS. After 9 DAYS on a job that seems to mostly involve picking up lunch and making coffee, Elizabeth, who never wanted to hire her in the first place, gives Ana Jack's position, based solely on Jack having been "a champion of her abilities" which we already know was only because he wanted to fuck her. Even better, Elizabeth gives her the promotion and then AFTERWORDS hands her a copy of the actual job description. I just...no.)

H-Town: OH MY GOD
yes

Me: I only wrote "NO. THAT IS RETARDED."

H-Town: She gets to take his job?
what in the stupid bastard batshit badminton assfuckery fuck?!?!?

Me: she is NEGATIVE 79% qualified for his job
MY CAT is more qualified for that job than Ana is

H-Town: The baby made something in her diaper that's more qualified than Ana
they must be the worst publishing company in the world
i.e., the one that published the 50 shades series
HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and we've come full circle
I just created a rip in the space time continuum

Me: awesome, does that mean we can stop reading it?

H-Town: I wish

Me: fuck, oh well

H-Town: oh my god, then back to Christian and this line "His mood swings are like a metronome set at presto."

Me: I WROTE THAT DOWN TOO

H-Town: that made me fly to a small country, overthrow a dictator, and then go nuclear

Me: I for one welcome you as our new overlord

H-Town: Excellent

Me: right after that she was saying something about not having eaten, again
I wrote" almost through two entire books and she's eaten a cracker and half a grape"

After an argument I can't even explain because I have no idea what it was about, and another near argument because Ana has decided to play matchmaker and fix up Ethan with Christian's little sister, we come to a part in the book that has caused me to give up on my life entirely.

Me: So my outrage over the promotion lasted about four pages before the story gets EVEN DUMBER
because you can't go quiz you boyfriend's doctor about his mental issues.
you CAN'T do it. YOU CAN NOT DO THAT

H-Town: I know

Me: the entire second half of this chapter doesn't exist in real life

H-Town: that was a WTF so big that this dog's head blew up:

Me: and Dr. Flynn says "just so you know, these sessions are confidential"
yes, they are so confidential SHE SHOULD NOT BE INVITED
but it's ok because she signed that completely unenforceable NDA

H-Town: HATE
This chapter, I just don't even...
I mean COME the fuck ON

Me: when they get into the actual details of things they have no business discussing
and he keeps saying "haphephobia, parasomnia, SFBT therapy"
So, I'm supposed to believe that he's a therapist but he has no fucking idea how to talk to actual people?
He must be really effective
but, ultimately it doesn't even matter
because the entire conversation CAN'T BE HAPPENING

H-Town: This book deserves to be shot into the sun

Me: the sun is too good for this book.
It should be dissolved in a vat of toxic compost
oh, and can I just take this opportunity to say
the next fucking time she writes "whoa, quick change of direction" when Christian changes the subject I am going to rent a tank and drive it through her house

H-Town: that and all these "holy fuck" and "holy shit" parts
sometimes in italics, sometimes not

Me: every one of these things has happened 800 times.
YOU ARE NOT SURPRISED ANYMORE
SHUT UP

H-Town: also, driveatank.com

Me: that is exactly what I needed, thank you kindly
so yeah, except for the fight about who is going to drive, that's the chapter.
A promotion that would never happen, followed by a doctor's visit that would also never happen

H-Town: Chapter 17 does not exist

Me: exactly. it is a bad dream I had, not something that was actually written down on actual paper
I’m glad, can you imagine if that was something we actually read?
I would have to impale myself on a stake

H-Town: this has all been a horrible, horrible dream

It's about to get worse. After I told my informant how outrageous I found the entirety of these two chapters she told me I haven't seen anything yet, and it's the next two chapters that are going to cause me to beg you all to decapitate me in the most gruesome manner possible.

28 comments:

Ivy said...

Your informant is right-it gets so much worse. And brace yourself for the third book. Only a vodka marijuana latte will get you through that one. Anyways, these reviews are awesome.

My friend told me that EL Fucktard has a book signing at Barnes and Noble and I immediately began dry heaving.

lostinaseaofblogs said...

Nooooo!! I was laughing so hard and then you dropped that last sentence on me and I can't wait that long!! Oh please read it please please please!! Just so I can read what you say about it which is way extremely way better than the book!

Shawn Lucas said...

Re: English teachers

I had (notice the tense, that is not by accident) a former colleague as a Facebook friend who is an English teacher. She argued with me about the merits of the book. I have another former colleague, who is a friend, who insisted, "Your wife *NEEDS* to read this book." "No." I replied. "Just no." Not all English teachers have jumped off a bridge. Think on that one and weep for the future of this country.

Hannah said...

There are English teachers who think this book has merits? Oh dear god, the world really is doomed!!!

Lauren said...

LEISURELY is a fucking ADJECTIVE. It is NOT an ADVERB. Seriously, did she have an editor???

I am a former English teacher and that makes me want to scream. As does everything in this shit of a book.

I LOVE YOUR RECAPS!

PMA said...

Ladies, you are legends in my book (well, I don't actually have a book that I've written, but if I did, I think it'd be a darn sight more palatable than this crock of shite trilogy by James!).

Thank you for enduring this nonsense on our behalf - like most of your readers, I haven't read (nor do I intend to read) this tripe and am so glad to have found your reviews, which have literally had me in hysterics. 10/10 to you both, for some truly hilarious writing and for putting up with this bollocks, superb. :)

Kate said...

Wow, I never thought I'd see so much stupidity in a published work. Has the author seriously never heard of patient confidentially? A doctor won’t share someone’s medical records with the police (unless they get a warrant), he certainly isn’t going to share them with anyone else.
This woman has existed on the planet for longer than I have and (apparently) has done real professional jobs. How can she be so ignorant of how the world works?

I'm also wondering what the hell a "Wartenberg pinwheel" is. But it's possible (no offence meant) that I actually don't want to know.

Anonymous said...

Me: she is NEGATIVE 79% qualified for his job
MY CAT is more qualified for that job than Ana is

I LOL-ed so hard at that. I absolutely LOVE these recaps. Excellent work!

Romi said...

I don't think you can survive the 3rd book Amber! I do enjoy your tortured rants though! You too H-town! I can't wait to see the next blog!!! :)

Casey Berger said...

I ADORE you two and your fantastic, snark-filled reviews and understandable rage. I had a conversation the other day with an acquaintance who has read all the books. She was at least contrite over her enjoyment of them. Progress?

Dragonflyssoul said...

Someone should also tell James that her shit job looking up references for her novels failed to inform her, no surprise, that parasomnia is a category of sleep disorders not one disorder in particular. Thank you ladies so much for enduring these hellish novels.

Lora said...

(I know I posted this to the last 50 blog, but I just wanted to share it with the other readers, too, so they can laugh at this thought like I did). ;) I present the theme songs for Christian Grey and Anastacia Steele!

The song for CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9B03OzITYhtc6AHhxdWpfSr

And the song for Ana: (just chance the name to Christian Grey)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSfoF6MhgLA (The song itself starts at 2.54).

Arild Haugstad said...

I got the idea that, perhaps there's a subtle plot point about Christian sending emails to the blackberry and Ana being somehow unable to comprehend the "reply" feature there...

That would explain why his emails were not on the server. His earlier complaints about Ana using her work mail rather than the blackberry would also sound less moronic then... (And given the premise that he's somehow a self-made billionaire, him being that stupid doesn't make sense...) It would even explain why the don't ever reply to each others emails with the normal reply feature --- Christian being passive-aggressive and trying to make Ana use the blackberry; Ana not taking the hint...

... on the other hand, the concept of a "subtle plot point" may be somewhat foreign to the author. (Also, this might just be too stupid --- but still; this sounds like just the book to make a plot point out of the author forgetting to inform the reader of something "important".) (I cannot possibly bring myself to read these books, but I trust you to scream about if it I happen to be right...)

jacquiJB said...

I so very much love you two - thank you for reading these books so that I don't have to (yeah, okay, joining the chorus LOL).

I wanted to ask if you had see/read the Guardian interview with EL James's husband (who recently had his own book published)? http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/aug/31/fifty-shades-el-james-husband It explains a lot (at least as far as anything can explain this epic train wreck).

And for Kate, who asked about Wartenberg wheels: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wartenberg_wheel. It's a neurological testing device, but some kinky folks like them for sensation play. It can draw blood if used with much force; otherwise, it's a maddening combination between pain and tickle.

Anonymous said...

DEAR GOD HURRY AND GET TO THE THIRD BOOK WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT HOW THE IN-UTERO BABY ALREADY LIKES DADDY'S SEXING.

Shawn Lucas said...

BTW, I've both been to and eaten lunch in Intercourse, so yeah. Definitely worth doing once just so you can say you did it.

Jen said...

Argh, you two are the best. Trawling through all this shite for us and being entertaining in the process. BRAVA, BRAVA!

Also, I know we all hate spiders here, but just imagine for a moment how much better these books would be if Ana and Christian were attacked by them. Take ALL the spiders and put them in Christian's apartment. Then lock all the doors. OR, OR-- WAIT, I'M HAVING A BETTER IDEA. WHAT IF ANA AND CHRISTIAN TURN OUT TO BE SPIDERS. And then at the end Amber and H-Town let the cats eat them. Ahhh, warm fuzzy feelings.

More please. I skimmed through the last book yesterday and nearly borked in my mouth a bit about the whole baby stuff. WHICH - SPOILER ALERT - IS TOTALLY ANA'S FAULT, APPARENTLY. Oh, who fucking knows. Vom.

Anonymous said...

It's just a 16 minutes drive from blue ball to intercourse. omg.

Anonymous said...

Props for the Intercourse, PA mention! Lancaster County in the house!!!

Anonymous said...

I am an English teacher. The depth to which I hated Fifty Shades of Grey is nearly impossible to describe, but I will borrow EL James's thesaurus for a moment and say I detested, loathed, abhorred, abominated, and reviled it. The only thing stopping me from taking the bridge is your blog, and others like yours, that have restored my faith in the world. Also, I haven't laughed this hard since Edward and Bella named their baby Renesmee. Please hurry with the next chapter!

rivera said...

I am sure you guys saw the August issue of Cosmo? If so, do give us your opinions! Also, http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/shades-of-stupid-emcosmo-ems-worst-bdsm-tips


Very funny...

Love your blog, btw!

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Cheated and read your blog before I read the part where she gets Jack's job. I had a feeling this would happen ... why should things start making sense now?

... I'm reading FSOG on my commute and I'm just dying for someone on the subway or bus to comment about how good it was...

Jen said...

Rivera, OH MY GOD, that was the best freaking thing I've read all day.

Hell, "fuck me like a sweaty leftover" might be the best thing I've read all MONTH.

Thank you :D (And it's still hotter than Shades)

Anonymous said...

Isn't Leisurely an accepted adverb?

lei·sure·ly/ˈlēZHərlē/

Adjective: Acting or done at leisure; unhurried or relaxed.

Adverb: Without hurry: "couples strolled leisurely along".

Necro post but I couldn't ignore the english teacher comment above...

But I digress, spot on review of the book.

Clare said...

Gorram it, Amberance. I read the butt-line drawer, saw that you had posted a link to something that had been stuck in your head all day, thought 'I bet that's what-what in the butt', but I clicked it anyway and NOW IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD. AND I HAVE TO GO TO A ROLLER DERBY PRACTICE IN A FEW MINUTES. This will not end well for me.

Clare said...

*Obviously I meant 'butt-drawer line'.
I was clearly so overcome by the GLORY of this book. Barf.

Lucky Vine said...

"I bet Ana would even make Ellen DeGeneres mad."

What do you mean by that? It sounds like you think Ellen is nearly as stupid as Ana, and you know she most certainly is NOT.

Lucky Vine said...

"Twat Kazoo - that deserves an award"

Yes. Yes it does. ^_^