Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Naked Standard

Here's an argument I'm having with Fish. Actually it's two related arguments. I thought I'd poll the experts (this means you, lovely readers). Here's the set up:

Fish: so joe and I are arguing whether you get to see Beckinsalebreasts in Underworld 2
Fish: I told him no because I would have heard about it
Fish: but he is adamant
PGS DenMILF: are you talking about
PGS DenMILF: oh wait
PGS DenMILF: Kate Beckinsale’s tits?
Fish: yeah
Fish: Joe says yes, I say no, only you have seen it so we need to know
Fish: titties or no titties
PGS DenMILF: you're both right
PGS DenMILF: you see them, but you don't see any nip
Fish: oh
Fish: so thats a no
Fish: I win
PGS DenMILF: no it isn't
Fish: yeah it is... nipple = nudity... breast = provocative
PGS DenMILF: there's a part where michael is unzipping her catsuit
PGS DenMILF: you see the outline of her breast. it is HOT
PGS DenMILF: you see a full body shot of two naked people, head to toe
PGS DenMILF: but somehow all their naughty parts are covered
PGS DenMILF: they kept zooming in on her stomach
PGS DenMILF: it was hot
Fish: I don't jerk off to outlines
Fish: so it isn't nudity
Fish: sorry
Fish: in the end, its a tease
PGS DenMILF: ok, so you've never jerked off to a girl that was dressed
Fish: not that I recall
PGS DenMILF: that's effed up
PGS DenMILF: Kate Beckinsale wearing the cat suit is not masturbatory material
PGS DenMILF: that's what you're saying
Fish: for me?
Fish: no
Fish: society has taught me that nipples are the difference between a PG-13 and R rating (except for a few instances) so they must be special... not as special as a crotch shot which guarantees an R
Fish: its the difference between maxim and playboy
Fish: between USA up all Night and Skinimax
Fish: as you can see... these aren't my rules
PGS DenMILF: But my argument is that both Maxim and Playboy are provacative
Fish: the original question is does K.B. get naked (aka nude) and, the answer, is no
PGS DenMILF: The rule is, if you have NO CLOTHES ON you are naked
PGS DenMILF: The answer is YES because she's not wearing any clothes!
Fish: No
PGS DenMILF: some dude on top of you humping you does not qualify as clothes!
Fish: no nipple, no jerkoff, no deal
Fish: that's how we roll
PGS DenMILF: i think that's just how YOU roll
PGS DenMILF: if you're at a strip club, and the stripper is topless, but she has pasties on, you're saying you haven’t seen her breasts
Fish: yes

It went on like that, but you get the point. The two arguments are:

1. Do you have to see nipple (pubes, dick, etc.) to qualify as naked?
2. Do men only masturbate to images of naked women, or do women dressed provacatively work as well?

And since it's my blog and I don't have to play fair: Fish is saying that none of my readers are going to masturbate to this image of Hot Heather licking my boobs just because I am wearing a corset:

Image hosting by Photobucket

Say it ain't so. ;-)


TheJesusFish said...

First, we must identify the following as proven constants:

1) The difference between Maxim and Playboy is that one is a "nudey" mag and the other is a "men's" mag. The only significant difference (unless we delve into the quality of the editorials which we will not) is that Maxim takes "provocative" pictures of women (i.e. no nipple, no bush) and Playboy does. Maxim can be sold to kids under the age of 18 and Playboy cannot.

2) The MPAA traditionally will give a film a PG-13 rating (assuming violence/language isn't a factor) if the film doesn't show nipple or bush. The only film I can think that bucks this trend is Titanic (and there was a lot of debate within the MPAA which, eventually, caved to Cameron and the studios (which also led to the box office records that film was able to produce.)) This is all in the interest of protecting the youth of America from the true horrors of the female body.

So... Kate Beckinwhatever's nipples are hidden by that dude that looks like Scott Stapp.

If there was no other nudity in the film (and no violence) the MPAA would have given the film a PG-13 rating based on Rule #2 above. If that is the case then there is no nudity in the film. So, Kate Beckinnotnaked must not be naked.

That's goddamned close to mathematical evidence right there.

There is also the fact of the no-nudity clause in Beckinprude's contract (which is why she has a body double in her more recent films like Road to Wellville) which would also further the "not naked" thing. But since I cannot find proof of that or an example of someone else with a non nude clause showing side boob in a movie (mainly because I'm lazy and don't really care) I have to withdraw this evidence.

TheJesusFish said...

What have you served because my stomach is still empty.

Ok, so other people get naked. That's fantastic! Kate doesn't get naked, thats the original argument.

As for the cat suit? It's a tease and I don't waste energy on teases.

amberance said...

There are nipples though. Just not hers. There's two other girls in there with nipplage.

And that still doesn't solve the problem of why you don't find Kate Beckinsale in a catsuit worthy enough to jerk off to.


daniel said...

Blog post of the week.

Fish: no nipple, no jerkoff, no deal
Fish: that's how we roll

Pure gold!!!

The questions:

1)1. Do you have to see nipple (pubes, dick, etc.) to qualify as naked?

No.. naked is clothesless. Whether you see the bits you want to or not, no clothes = naked.
However, fish is arguing that for him, no nipple = not naked. Can't say that's incorrect, as only he can say!

2. Do men only masturbate to images of naked women, or do women dressed provacatively work as well?

I have this "desensitisation" theory.
When you are a young teen, the bra section of the kmart catalogue will get you off. When you are older, things need to be more hardcore to work in that way because you've whacked off to the bra's, Maxim's etc when you were younger waaaay too much.

So, using your photo as an example. No, I wouldn't whack off to the pic exactly as it is. Although I do enjoy the pic immensely.
Remove the corset and I would consider it. Make it a video and it's looking likely.
So. Remove it. Film it. Thx. :)

Or alternatively, just put me in the room. :P

Anonymous said...

tell you what....put two pictures up. One of you naked, and one of you dressed sexy. I'll let you know which one I jerk off too.

TheJesusFish said...

How did I know it would come to this?

Hot Heather said...

ok, well, i am totally down with the naked filming and/or including of Daniel in our festivities...

that picture IS hot...

i wack off to everything, though i'm not sure that it's called wacking off if it's a girl... but yea, give me a hot story and i'll masturbate, give me a girl touching herself under her clothes and i'm hot... yup...

naked = no clothes. not seeing things doesn't not make you clothed...

Hot Heather said...

doesn't not... awesome...

not seeing things does not make you clothed.

amberance said...

anonymous, while I'd love to accomodate you,

1. I have no naked pictures of myself, and

2. My family reads this blog. Especially my brother. Who doesn't want to see me naked, I assure you.

http://davethepa.journalspace.com said...

First things first, the original question was:

Fish: so joe and I are arguing whether you get to see Beckinsalebreasts in Underworld 2

And if that is the question then I have to side with Fish. No nip does equal no breast.

However the question degraded into weather or not she was nude. Girl was nude. Good and nude. How they managed to hide her nips and his package I do not know. Especially because he had his hips so far up in relationship to hers he appeared to be fucking her navel. I do not find navel fucking very attractive.

Which brings us to the next point. Is the sex scene worthy of masturbatory attention? That scene, although it could have been better with the appearance of nip as well as other changes, was H O T. And after I buy it when it comes out on DVD I will let you know the true answer to this question. I'm guessing yes.

Next point, your photo. Yeah, woman in a corset alone is jerk worthy. The addition of another woman licking boobs in said corset is just bonus. Being able to see the look on either of your faces would have absolutely ensured this. I understand of course your reluctance to keep your face out of any picture with masturbation material potential.

Now to comment on the comments. I agree with Daniel on multiple points the first being that

Fish: no nipple, no jerkoff, no deal
Fish: that's how we roll

is definiitely quote of the week with an automatic bye until the quote of the year competition.

Second, it was a sad day for 13 year old boys everywhere when Sears and Roebuck stopped publishing there catalog. That was pages and pages of women and teenage girls in nothing but their underthings. And mom would think nothing of it lying on the bathroom floor. She probably left it there in the first place.

And for Heather being all okay with the nudity and the filming just means I should read her blog more. She really needs to get the hell off myspace.

Now if I only spent this much time writing posts on my blog.

Hot Heather said...

i am off myspace... i'm on everywhere... i'm a nerd... what can i say??

the thing is... people make these promises to me of pictures and movies, and the nothing... I HAVE NO PICTURES!! I HAVE NO MOVIES!!

my blog is way not interesting... my comments here are better... my "blog" (non-myspace) is lame as well...

i love naked...

Hot Heather said...

p.s. amber - i forgot to mention i have now made a promise that as soon as you and i can afford it that we'd plan a trip to australia to meet Daniel and have a vacation of debauchery and accents...

another one of your readers that has made a myspace page for me. that's right.

amberance said...

What do you mean "another" one of my readers? The first one was my brother! (who, for the record, has not asked me to be his myspace friend, even though Daniel has. Also Brandon was in bed at frikkin 9:30 last night.)

Hot Heather said...

hey, your brother counts. he reads your blog. he made a myspace for me.

daniel counts. he reads your blog. he made a myspace for me.

i have a feeling that brandon will keep it to just me cuz he doesn't really want to use it except to comment me.

DixieBelle8681 said...

Amber...you should check out my myspace page...comment about you...

daniel said...

lmao@davethepa's comments. Gold.

And for Heather being all okay with the nudity and the filming just means I should read her blog more. She really needs to get the hell off myspace.


It's all well and good to talk about such travels. But talk is exactly that. I want you to put your money where your mouth is. Or, my money.

amberance said...

Or your mouth? :-)

Hot Heather said...

dood, i'm all about the travels, amber and i actually figured out a payment plan... and hopefully it'll work out... but i'm serious about it...

and apparantly everybody loves the fact that amber and i like pictures... i heart you amber, you make me a bad girl... mmmm

oh, and the word verification... i've only messed it up once... you guys are weird...