Friday, January 06, 2006


MrSteve pointed out in the comments to my previous post that I left out an evening. Just for clarification, this was not due to a drunken blackout, but to the fact that you sometimes lose things when you haven't posted for two weeks. I've learned my lesson. So:
After the Thursday night drunken face sucking fest, I was kinda tired, so I spent most of Friday finishing up some Christmas shopping and napping. In the evening I got a call from MrSteve. "I was thinking about heading up to Tai's. Want to meet me up there?" My liver screamed NO! but my mouth said yes, so off I mosied to go meet Steve.
A word about MrSteve: MrSteve is such on here because that's how he labeled himself when he started leaving comments. In real life he's just "Steve". MrSteve is also a real person. He appears when "Steve" is mixed with "too much alcohol". I like Steve; he's smart and funny and way more cynical than me, which is an accomplishment. But I also like MrSteve, because man, that dude is nuts.
Steve had been at a party previous to showing up at Tai's, and at that party, Steve had been drinking wine. And then scotch. He continued with the hard liquor at the bar, and so it was that MrSteve came to be in the hizz-ouse.
Shortly after my arrival, there arrived another batch of girls and then the Honda. Apparently Steve had been a busy little socialite, because every girl in there had shown up after a phone call from Steve. "Wow, it's like you have your own harem," I told him.
"Not quite a harem, but I am responsible for all these girls being here."
"See? All the girls love you!"
Drunk Steve looked around and then, satisfied with his accomplishment, announced "HA! And my friends think I have no friends."
Which made no sense, and so I said, "That makes no sense."
A long pause while he combed through his last sentence for possible errors. And then he burst into side-splitting, almost maniacal laughter. MrSteve had arrived.
A midget in a cowboy hat had also arrived. (This is why I love Tai's. You can't make up stuff better than this.) He was very outgoing and friendly, playing the jukebox and dancing - he may have shot some pool too I think, but my memory of him is a tad hazy because I was doing that thing where you're staring at someone while trying not to look at them. I'm horrible, I know. The one thing I do remember about him was that he was a dancing freak. He danced with just about every girl in the place. The best was when he danced with a former regular whom I'll call Tall Cool Woman. She's over 6 feet tall, the midget came up to about her knee cap, AND she had the privilege of wearing his cowboy hat whilst they cut a rug.

While MrSteve was off entertaining Honda and the womenfolk, I found myself in a conversation with a complete jackass who simply would not go away. Our conversation went like this (but longer):
jackassguy: Do you hate men?
me: What???
jag: I mean, are you into men, or do you hate men?
me: Well, I don't really like to generalize...
jag: I'm Brian.
me: OK. Hi.
jag: Hi.
me: (trying to find something else to look at so he'll go away)
jag: I'm really shy.
me: Yeah, you seem it.
jag: No I am. I'm shy. I'm Brian.
me: I think you mentioned that.
jag: Where's your boyfriend?
me: Boyfriend? I don't have one.
jag: Why don't you have a boyfriend? Are you not into guys?
me: I believe we covered this already.
jag: Huh?
me: I already answered that.
jag: Oh. I'm shy.
me: Right.
jag:I'm Brian.
me: I know, I heard.
jag: Really? Where's your boyfriend?
me: You know what Brian? I'm kind of getting tired of this conversation.
jag: Why isn't your boyfriend fucking the shit out of you right now?
me: Uh...
jag: Do you like guys? Or are you just not into guys?
me: Dude, I really think you should find someone else to talk to. Seriously.
jag: I can't; I'm shy. Why don't you like guys?
me: Brian! Listen to me. I am done talking to you now. Please go away. This conversation is annoying.
FINALLY he went away. The bartender was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed watching this entire exchange and laughing at me. I glared at him. "Uh huh, laugh it up. Thanks for saving me, asshole. You're a dick."
"BWHAHAHA, that was fuckin FUNNY! Hey, and while you were talking to that guy, you didn't notice, but the midget was standing next to you staring at you. He was waiting to hit on you. But that guy talked so long he gave up. That was so fucking funny!"
In the interim, MrSteve had returned from wherever he was. He had his coat on and was almost out of scotch. Also he had the expression of a homicidal maniac on his face. "They tell me MrSteve is about."
"Yes, I can see that."
"How can you tell?"
"well, you're all squinty. And you're gesturing a lot."
"I'm emphatic."
"You can tell I'm loaded because I squint and I'm emphatic."
"Right. MrSteve: squinty and emphatic."
"Am I making monster faces?"
He laughed spastically and finished off his drink. "I think I'm going now before I get myself into trouble." I told him I thought that was a good idea, hugged and kissed him goodbye and he walked away (emphatically).
I figured with Steve gone, there was no point in hanging around, so I finished my beer, used the latrine and said my goodbyes. I got home around 3:00 am, went to bed and fell right to sleep.
At 3:30 my phone rudely announces that I've received a text message. Lo and behold, it's from Steve. "You left without saying goodbye." This confuses me, because he'd made a huge deal out of saying goodbye, so I text back, "I thought you left." "No. Leaving now. I would not have left without saying goodbye." What a spazz, I think to myself. "You DID say goodbye. That's why I thought you left." "I did? I don't remember that. I'm drunk!"
Ah, the squinty and emphatic MrSteve.


Dave said...

When anyone ever asks me what Tai's is like I always say "It's an interesting mix of people" They ask why what kind of people so I say I don't know it is never the same, but always a weird mix. I almost said diverse but a midget in cowboy hat is not diversity it is weird. Which is why I sometimes end up at Tai's at 3am.

I will try not to be squinty or emphatic. Although I do have a way with the hand gestures.

Anonymous said...

Tai's.....I guess. I prefer Kryptonite.

mrsteve said...

A fairly enlightening and entertaining recap of some of the nights events. I feel honored to have shared half a full bizzybiz post with a jackass and a dancing midget.

However, I don't believe that I have ever uttered the phrase "Am I making monster faces?" in my life.

But I do remember laughing a lot...