My new job. Um, yes. It is my one week anniversary today. Go me. One week and I have no idea what is going on.
Training. I need training. I need training like a fat kid needs a bike. My replacement at the big H had 7 weeks of training with me. That is 35 business days of being joined to me at the hip. Me? I have had 6 hours of training. On a Saturday afternoon. Most of which went something like this: "Person X sucks. Stay as far away from person X as possible. See these boxes? (points to stack of boxes stacked haphazardly in the corner about 7 feet high) These are old things that should be moved off site. But don't move them off site, because I've left them there to piss off person Y. Person Y is a neat freak, and I have a personal vendetta against him. So just leave the boxes there. Our clients? They are annoying. Avoid talking to them as much as possible. Oh by the way, it's a giant secret that we do consulting. Don't tell anyone. Just market the mutual funds. Client X? They are invested in Sucky Fund I. Sucky Fund I sucks ass, but they won't sell it, because they've lost so much money. What? You want to recommend a search to replace Sucky Fund I? Don't bother. It sucks too badly for them to sell it. Did I mention Person X sucks? She'll try to get you to compliment her shoes. Don't do it. They are pilgrim shoes, and they're stupid. Let's get some lunch."
So, not real helpful. I tried to specifically ask for training on the software that I don't know, and the answer I got to that was "It's real easy, watch. (proceeds to go through some kind of process at lighting speed, with no verbal commentary as to what the fuck she's doing.) See? Easy." Um, thanks. Does anyone else here know how to do my job? No. I am the only analyst in the place. Is there a comprehensive client list somewhere? No. No such organized data exists. Is anyone interested in the fact that I have no clue what is going on? No. In one week I've been to 4 manager meetings, two manager conference calls, 4 sub-advisor conference calls, one custodian conference call, and three internal meetings. Today my boss said he was too busy to handle the conference calls with the other sub-advisors, could I do them myself? And also he's going to be out of town on Thursday, can I meet with Vanguard? They want to pitch us something. All of this stuff is what I ultimately want to be doing, but people, can I find out who the hell my clients even are first?
Some stuff is really cool here though. Like the fact that people just assume I am smart enough to make manager recommendations to clients all by myself. Oh, and the soap dispenser! The bathrooms here are all automated - automatic flusher, automatic faucet, that stuff I'm familiar with. But the soap dispenser, that's new to me. You put your hand under it and it squirts soapy goo out at you! I am fascinated with this. There is also quite a variety of teas to select from in the kitchen. Free tea. Free pop, free coffee, free Diet Snapple.
But I would sure like to know what is going on around here.