Thursday, March 03, 2005

There is No One to Sleep With Here

My new company is small. Very small. Six people, one of which is me. It's a very relaxed atmosphere, what with there only being six people, and I'm enjoying it about as much as anyone can enjoy a brand new job when you have no idea what's going on or what you've gotten yourself into. Having said that, I have already discovered a major problem...there's no one to sleep with here.



I know what everyone is going to say, that it's a bad idea to get involved with people at work, it creates tension and interferes with efficiency and on and on and on. Yeah, well bull. It's simply not true. I've had co-worker flings at every company I've ever worked for except the last one, and it's never once come back to bite me in the ass (except when I specifically asked to be bitten on the ass).

But there are no prospects for workplace misbehavior here. Three of them are married, one is like 60 (even I have age limits) and one is single, nice and cute BUT not into girls. What oh what am I going to do? I have a new curved barbell for my navel with end caps that glow in the dark! How will I ever show it off if there isn't anyone to sleep with? And SBJ day is only 10 days away, who will I celebrate with? It's a major problem I tell you.

In other workplace news I Yahoo mapped the area and discovered there are 5 Starbucks within a 4 block radius of this office. Even from here I can tell that when Bianca reads this, she will be immediately jealous. In fact maybe I'll head out for a cup now, and hopefully meet someone on the way that I can sleep with...

15 comments:

H said...

You must post a huge sign in your office window saying, "WANTED: EMPLOYEES THAT ARE HOT, SINGLE, AND NON-GAY ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH. APPLY INSIDE."

amberance said...

Unless they are girls, in which case I would need for them to be gay. Perhaps an e-mail to my boss: "Dear [boss], please hire some attractive, horny people. Regards, Amber"

H said...

You should do that, then your boss will never be able to say you didn't recommend ways to improve the company or the work environment.

Have the boss also make you head of hiring new folks.

Anonymous said...

Heeeyyyy!!!! It's back!
You were right, I am really, really jealous. Another reason to look forward for a new life. :O)

Miss you!

amberance said...

Shh, don't tell. If you do start a new life here, I know a company that is looking for attractive new employees...

Anonymous said...

What is it, a strip bar, or why would they be looking for attractive people?

amberance said...

Did you read the post and the comments before adding your own? Geesh.

Anonymous said...

I did read the post, and I was just trying to not think that you are considering me a potential… ya know “employee”!!! So I hoped that you were referring to a strip club.
But you know me, sometimes I make no sense!!!

daytonsuxinwinter said...

Are you sure the cute single guy doesn't play for both teams?

amberance said...

The cute single individual is a girl, people.

daytonsuxinwinter said...

Doh! Never overlook the most obvious answer...

Allison said...

this is not relevant to today's post, but I just read in the San Francisco Gate that five states outlaw "genital stimulating devices."

Sweet Home, Alabama Dildos
Yet another state gets to outlaw "genital stimulating devices," as God just rolls her eyes
- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, March 4, 2005
I cannot imagine not being able to walk into a nice clean well-lit store staffed by friendly funky well-informed employees with interesting haircuts and walk out with an armful of friendly dildos.
I cannot imagine not being able to walk right in on any given Christian Sunday to Good Vibrations here in the City (or Toys in Babeland in Seattle or the Hustler store in LA or any number of other such clean 'n' decent 'n' prurient storefronts around the land) and stock up on sex lotions and potions and gadgets and gizmos on a whim, on a second date, on a weekend, before Valentine's Day, on Easter, on Christmas, just for the hell of it or because the SO winkingly suggested it or the giddy carnal urges demanded it or because I needed to buy sexy birthday gifts or just because my supplies were running low and I have yet to install that in-bedroom three-gallon Astroglide wall pump.
I cannot, in other words, imagine living in Alabama. Or Texas. Or Louisiana. Or Georgia. Or Tennessee. Or in any of the handful of terrified and morally convulsive states where they prohibit such activities, where the selling of "genital stimulating devices" is outright illegal and deeply dreaded.

article available at:
http://sfgate.com/columnists/morford/

amberance said...

Nonsense, sex toys are always relevant. I think I would die. I have to have toys. I'm gazing longingly at the one in my purse right now...

monogodo said...

As for sleeping with your coworkers, some of whom are married:

Just because there's a goalie, it doesn't mean you can't score.

amberance said...

True, but that fact that I do have a moral here and there keeps me from scoring.