Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Here We Go Again.

Well, since I promised you guys and since it's NaBloPoMo and I need things to write about, I have gone back to reading 50 Shades Freed. And I can honestly say it's far worse than I remembered it being. I read four chapters yesterday and then spent the entirety of the evening ruining every conversation by stopping in the middle of it and saying "And another thing!" and then raging about something else that happened.

Since it's been so long since I've read it or written anything, StereoNinja has asked for a brief synopsis of everything I've done so far: two sentences on each of the first two books and two sentences on each chapter I've done in the third book up til now. Since I had to go back and read my own reviews to remember the plot, this seems reasonable, so here it is:

Fifty Shades of Grey - A naive and stupid college student meet an abusive rich asshole who stalks her. They treat each other horribly and then break up.

Fifty Shades Darker - The asshole and the idiot get back together. The relationship is abusive, chaotic and unstable, so they decide to get married.

Fifty Shades Freed
Chapter 1 - Ana and Christian go to France on their honeymoon. Ana has a flashback to her wedding where everyone she knows told her she was making a horrible mistake.

Chapter 2 - Ana takes her top off on the beach to piss off Christian, and then is surprised and upset that Christian gets pissed off. They fight and then have sex.

Chapter 3 - Christian and Ana go shopping for expensive tat. Back in Seattle, someone tries to burn up Christian's server room.

Chapter 4 - Ana buys Christian a camera. Christian is an asshole about it.

Chapter 5 - Ana and Christian get chased by someone evil in the car. No one bothers to tell the police.

Chapter 6 - Ana and Christian have boring sex. Ana doesn't want to change her name to Grey.

Chapter 7 - Ana tells Christian about not wanting to change her name and he freaks the fuck out. Everyone at work hates her because she got a job she isn't remotely qualified for.

Chapter 8 - Ana hates the architect building their house because she hates everyone who has a vagina. Ana gives Christian a haircut so they can have terrible sex.

Chapter 9 - Ana finds out Christian keeps a loaded gun in his unlocked desk drawer with the safety off all the time, which is somehow because he hates guns. Ana goes out for a drink with her best friend after she told Christian she wouldn't do that.

Chapter 10 - Ana's rapist ex-boss breaks into the house to try to kill them but no one is home. Christian comes back early from a business trip in order to control his dumbass wife.

Chapter 11 - Ana picks a fight with Christian about nothing while simultaneously outing herself as the world's biggest misogynist. Then she deliberately misunderstands and demonizes BDSM (again).

Chapter 12 - Christian has a dream about Ana that he mistakes for a premonition. Ana and Christian take all their friends to Aspen.

Chapter 13 - In Aspen, Ana sees conspiracies around every corner. Christian's brother and Ana's best friend haven't been getting along well, so they too decide the solution is marriage.

Chapter 14 - The gang goes out to celebrate the ill-advised engagement. Some rapey guy tries to assault Ana so she hits him.

Chapter 15 - Ana and Christian have sex. Ana and Christian send each other e-mail all day instead of working.

Chapter 16 - Christian's ex-subs turn up at Ana's office to speak with her and Christian shits a brick. Ana gets a phone call saying her father has been in an accident.

Additionally, I've added a tab at the top of the blog that has all the 50 Shades posts in one place and listed in chronological order so they are easier to find. Let me know if I need to fix any of the links, as I am too lazy to actually test them.

Chapters 17-20 up tomorrow!


S said...

Oh god. For a few blissful months, I'd forgotten those books existed. Literlly, a cold shudder went through me when I opened this post and saw the word 'Ana'. Just writing it makes me I enraged.

Paul Anthony Shortt said...

Someone should publish a how-to book on writing, and it should just be excerpts from the 50 Shades books, with the words "Don't do this!" underneath.