The Right Way and the Wrong Way to Talk Smack

One of the more juvenile things that I love to do is to get in flame wars over the internet. Yes, I realize that this is very 7th grade of me but I DO NOT CARE. Because I think it's fun, and besides, I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toy'R'Us kid.

If you're going to talk smack on the internet, though (or really anywhere for that matter), there are some things you can do to avoid looking like a complete ass (or at least, slightly less of an ass than you already look like for engaging in this kind of behavior in the first place):

1. Attack the post, not the poster. Being outright mean to people just isn't nice. Also, responses like "Oh yeah? Well, you're ugly!" make you look really fucking stupid. (Thanks to Fish for articulating this point much more eloquently 3 months ago)

2. Be able to back up what you say. This doesn't mean be willing to punch someone in the face if they don't agree with you. It means that you need to have a solid argument before you start. For example, if you say "My cat is HUGE compared to yours" I shouldn't find that your cat is a quarter inch longer than mine when I measure them.

In case you are still unclear of the rules, I offer this example from MySpace bulletins posted today. The first, our "wrong way" example, is from Vicodin Jim, who fancies himself some sort of baseball fan:

Yeah!
My Friars took the NL West Division title.
What about the Cubs? Oh yeah. The Cubs suck. The Cubs suck a lot.
Padres baby, eat it Cubs fans.

While this is all true (the Padres DID win the NL West and the Cubs DO (sadly) suck), it implies in it's comparison that the Padres are a far better ballclub than the Cubs. As you will see from my well researched "right way" post, this implication is somewhat misleading:

Hmm, DO the Cubs suck?

Honestly, yes. Yes they do. They suck exactly two games more than the Padres suck.

As of this writing, the Cubs 4th place record is 77-81, while the Padres division clinching record is 79-79. It's not the Cubs fault that they don't play in the hands down worst division in all of baseball.

Speaking of a 79-79 record, when I do the math on that I come up with a division winner that is only a .500 ballclub. Wow, congratulations. That means all they have to do is win ALL FOUR of their remaining games in order to NOT earn the record for fewest wins for a division champion, set by the New York Mets way back in 1973.

Oh and what's this? Oh, they'll be playing the Cardinals in the first round of the playoffs? The St. Louis Cardinals with the best record in baseball, currently three games shy of having a 100 win season? Wow, I bet they're worried. *shiver*

That, my friends, is how it's done. Now if you'll excuse me, the bell is about to ring and I need to go to my locker and get my backpack.