Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I Have Had It With These Motherfuckin Spiders In My Motherfuckin Car!

Samuel L. Jackson called me on Friday.

He told me I should stop dying my hair all kind of crazy colors and go see his latest film instead. He also called me from Heather's house which I thought was weird. I had no idea they were close. At any rate it was a demand more than a suggestion. He said if I didn't go see it he would "come after" me. I've seen Pulp Fiction; I know what he's capable of.

So Friday night I went to see it with Magic Hands. I've been trying to dream up a blog name for Magic Hands for weeks and sadly that's the best I could come up with. It's meant to be reflective of his being a massage therapist and it sucks less than Sir Rubs A Lot. Though not much. Anyway.

Snakes on a Plane is awesome. It's not a movie; it's an event. It kicks mad ass in its craptacularness. Below are my favorite moments. You need to highlight them to read it, since it contains spoilers and I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's joy.

  • I invented a fun new game to play at the movies. It's called Spot the Product Placement. I came up with it when a guy who JUST got off a motorbike was inexplicably walking around with a Red Bull in his hand as a GMC truck pulled up. Try it, it's great.
  • Snakes biting people's genitalia is always funny. It's even funnier when they actually yell out "Bitch! Get off my dick!"
  • Another thing that is always funny is dead bodies falling right on top of unsuspecting Purell addicted germophobes. Though karma would come back to bite my ass later that night for laughing at someone else's phobias.
  • Snakes on a Plane: now with more Snake-o-vision! I didn't know snakes saw everything in green like they have built in night vision goggles. Go snakes.
  • Even better than I could have hoped for! A GIANT snake that wraps around this pompous English dude and crushes him to death. You even hear the bones crunching. But as if that weren't cool enough, the snake then does that thing where they can unhinge their jaw and it SWALLOWS THE GUY'S ENTIRE HEAD! Genius!
  • The guy that plays Dick in High Fidelity turns out to be the resident snake expert, and his character is exactly the same as Dick, except he's a snake geek instead of a music geek. He's unintentionally hilarious.
  • The ambiguously gay male flight attendant grabs a snake and exacts revenge by putting it in the microwave and blowing it up. Guts everywhere. Sweet as hell.
  • The big line comes almost at the end of the movie, and at a point where it almost makes no sense. They just decided that the guy with the PSP should try to land the plane since the snakes ate everyone who had ever actually flown, and while everyone was calm and no snakes were around SLJ drops the line. WTF? Whatever, it got a huge hand in the theater.
I drove Magic Hands home after the movie. I'm pretty sure he now thinks I'm a total freaking asshole. We were stopped at a light and I was explaining one of my favorite They Might Be Giants songs, Spider. "I love this song! TMBG are insane. Shpidah! He is our hero! Shpidah! Get rid of! Shpidah! AAAHHHH! FUCK THERE'S ONE RIGHT HERE INSIDE THE CAR! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" As I'm singing my happy little spider song some movement caught my eye and I realized that there was a spider in my car, on the drivers side door, a whole 6 inches away from me. Seconds after I noticed it, it fell on the floor right by my feet. I'd explained my spider issues to him before, he thought it was funny and sort of cute. That is what everyone thinks until the first time they see me freak out. It always amuses me (much much later) how surprised they are. It's not like they haven't been warned.

Magic Hands sent me to the back seat to hide, and then went against all his vegetarian yay-for-nature principles and killed it for me. Also another one that he found hiding under my floor mat, waiting to eat my feet or climb up my pant leg. He then spent the next ten minutes trying to coax me back into the front seat. I don't remember what the questions were that I asked him. I know that they were all steeped in crazy. When he finally got me back in the driver's seat and I'd stopped hyperventilating, he said somewhat anti-climactically "I guess you really are afraid of spiders."

Yes. Yes I am.

If you'd like Samuel L. Jackson to threaten your friends, you can get in touch with him here.


Hot Heather said...

i wanted to send you that phone call, too!!

i saw that movie the day after it came out and i will totally agree with you that it is the most "craptacular" movie EVER!! SOO MANY SNAKES!! SOO MANY SNAKES!!

my favorite part was when they shot out the window and a dead person flew out and the snake wrapped around the chicks neck and tried to bite her while being sucked out the window...

awesome. i totally want to see it again.

oh, and i didn't tell you about the time i was wearing a hat and a spider touched my head. you think you freak out when you see them? you should see when they TOUCH me... i never want to go back to that place.

simmy said...

that highlighty stuff is awesome!