Friday, October 07, 2005

Tag Teamed

Today I had one of those exhausting phone calls with the Triple Threat. The Triple Threat is a group of people I used to work with at the Big O, right before I left to go work at the number factory. In case you didn't pick up on it, there are three of them.

Norris is a character we've seen on Bizzybiz before, as he is the individual responsible for setting me up with 1153. He likes to fish and drink beer. He doesn't really like people a whole lot, and got married at Lake Tahoe specifically to prevent most of his family and acquaintances from attending. His wife is lovely, though when asked he will tell you she is fat and doesn't speak English, and that he only married her so she could stay in the country. Norris adds he likes to have a good time at any time (unlike me).

Morgan and Minnick are new to the blog. Morgan is one of my closest girlfriends. She is a big fan of discount stores (specifically Marc's for you Cleveland readers), beer, weird festivals, volunteering, Halloween, and anything that can in any way be construed as a "deal". She is not a big fan of rude sales clerks or of her husband. She is also good at letting her mouth lead her brain, such as the time during a product design brainstorming meeting with several big company execs when she announced one way to connect two pipes together would be to have a ring attached to one that could be rolled down over the other, "you know, like a condom."

Minnick is an engineer turned some kind of marketing/sales guru. Minnick has a tendency to come off as somewhat of a caustic prick from time to time (the views and opinions expressed in this sentence are gleaned from conversations with other people and do not necessarily reflect those of the Bizzybiz Blog or it's author). This has led to at least one instance of using the phrase "There's a fine line between confidence and cockiness" in a performance review when describing himself.

The Triple Threat works their magic by ganging up on people. They make phone calls in tandem, and they all talk at once, bombarding you with reasons why they are right and you are wrong in an attempt to confuse you. Much of the time their argument is completely ridiculous and they know it, which is somewhat the point: to see how outlandish of a thing they can get you to go along with. Today's call involved a group vacation.

"Pack your bags, we'll pick you up at the airport in Norfolk."

"Oh God. What are you guys talking about now?"

"Our vacation. Next weekend. Kill Devil Hills in the Outer Banks."

"Right. Because I can afford that."

"No listen. Your lodging and meals are paid for. You just have to pick up the airfare."

"With what? I'm broke, I can't afford it."

"Wait, don't you have a job? Are you still working part time?"

"I was never working part time. I've been full time since I started."

"Oh so you're fine then. Great we'll pick you up in Norfolk Thursday night."

"You guys, seriously, I can't afford it."

"Ok, fine. We'll split it then. We'll pick up your airfare, and then we'll meet you in Norfolk and pick you up. We're getting this sweet minivan, we'll be drinking."

"You know I'm going to Cleveland next weekend right? With Fish? To make pies with my dad?"

"Your dad is making pies with Fish?"

"No, I am making pies with my dad. Fish is coming home with me."

"Well, they can go too. They have to buy their own plane tickets though, we're only buying yours."

"You guys. Seriously. I can't go."

"Are you engaged?"

"What? No."

"Pregnant? Are you pregnant? Because you need to get that abortion in before the new court takes over you know."

"I'm not pregnant."

"Well then you can fly. So we'll see you there. It's going to be sweet, we'll party..."

"Listen. I can't go. I'm going to Cleveland. Actually I'm kind of mad, I wanted to have lunch with you guys. I was going to come to the O."

"We won't be there. We'll be in North Carolina."

"Yes, I KNOW that. And I'll be in Cleveland, making pies with my dad."

"OK, here's what we'll do. We're actually saving you money." (that was Morgan talking, she'd found one of her "deals".) "Wednesday night, we'll fly you to Cleveland. It's $29. You'll be leaving from Midway. Wednesday night you'll make pies with your dad, and Thursday morning we'll get in the van and drive down. Stay the weekend. Then you can choose what day you want to go back. We'll get you a ticket direct from Norfolk to Chicago for any day you want."

"Great. Can you make it so I only miss one day of work? Because that's all I can miss."

"Um, no. You have to miss at least 2 and a half days."

"Well then I can't do it."

"Amber! You are turning down a free vacation!"

"With regret, yes."

"When you're 88, you're going to look back on this and say 'That was a huge mistake. I should have gone on vacation way back then'. And you're going to be miserable."

"Norris, I am never going to be 88 years old, and even if I was, by that time I'd have so many regrets this wouldn't even be a blip on the screen."

"If you don't live to be 88 you won't have as many regrets so when you are this might be the only thing. Think about that." (See what I mean? That doesn't even make sense.)

"I can't take that much time off in October. It doesn't work that way. If you were going in November, or even December..."

"Amber, this is Mike talking now. Listen, there is this thing called 'weather'. And the weather makes it cold in November and December. So we are going now."

"Well, I can't go."

"Amber, if you don't go we're going to boycott you. Forever. I can't believe you are doing this. You are ruining the whole plan."

"Yes, Norris, and someday when you're 88 you'll look back and say 'What a bitch Amber is, she ruined all my vacations for the whole rest of my life'."

"I'm already saying that."

"Listen, I will go in the winter. I will go in the spring. But I already have plans and I can't take that kind of time off work anyway."

"OK, so we'll book your flight then and e-mail you the itinerary."

The above example is maybe a quarter of the total conversation, which as I write this, has spilled over into an e-mail conversation during which Norris has sent me the link to the condo website three separate times, Minnick pointed out that they'd be eating at some specific restaurant I've never heard of, and Morgan wanted to know how I have time to blog at work, but can't take off for vacation. (She has a point. I'm going back to work right now.)

I like these people, but they exhaust me.


Michelle said...

Wow you seem to have alot of patience, five minutes into that conversation and I would have been yelling at these people.

amberance said...

Well the thing is, you shouldn't dish it out if you can't take it, and I have in the past been party to these group assaults. Such as the time Young Wright made the mistake of telling us his parents had a pool. We bombarded him with inane questions for an hour:

How many people can fit safely in your pool?
Do you have a diving board?
Is there a lifeguard on duty?
Can your dad do the backstroke?
Do you think some of your friends are really just usuing you for your pool?
How many life preservers do you have in stock?
How often do you test the pH?
Do you sometimes pee in the pool if no one is looking?
How long after you eat do you wait to go swimming?

And on and on. So I'm guilty too. You get around them and it becomes contageous.

morgan said...

Caputo- I have a perfect plan to get around making pie with your dad.

I'll stop by your dad's house early next week and get the apples. I'm expecting that he'll already have the apples picked, but just in case I'll bring a small ladder if I need to do some picking. Please let me know if there is a particular tree I should pick from or if you prefer an apple potpourri-of-sorts pie. Please let me know how many bushels of apples I should pick. Assuming the boys are each packing one small suitcase and knowing that I'm only bringing a thong and a toothbrush, we should have room in the minivan for roughly 10 bushels of apples. There is a large (I believe it's refered to as "spacious" on the website) kitchen at the condo. I'll spring for some Pillsbury Pie Crust Dough - unless you prefer that little leprachaun who lives in a hollow tree's brand- and we'll be eating apple pie before you know it. It may even be ready before we have to pick you up from the airport.

We could probably find room for an extra bushel of apples so we're sure to have apple pie for your dad and his wife. We may have to rent a small U-Haul for the drive down, but it won't be a problem getting the pie back to your dad in Cleveland.

See you in Kill Devil Hills! If we don't see you there, it will be renamed to Kill Caputo Hills!

tony93637 said...

strangely i have a craving for 3 motrin and a piece of pie...