Wednesday, June 08, 2005

This Is Ponderous, Man. Really Ponderous.

Recent events have got me debating: Is it better to have a fuck-friend, or a friend-fuck?

Now I know you're saying, "Amber, you tawdry slut! Perhaps you should be less of a tart and get into an actual relationship."

Someday kids, someday. But the truth is, I'm not over the ex, and I'm even more not over the kids, and I'm having a good time justifying this behavior as "finding myself". So, kindly blow it out your ass.

"Fair enough," you say. "But what in Bilbo's pocket is the difference between a fuck-friend and a friend-fuck?"

The difference is this: A fuck-friend is someone you are sleeping with and that's it. You don't hang out with them, you don't go for drinks or have long telephone conversations, you don't get them a nice birthday card. In fact, you may not otherwise even be able to stand each other. There is nothing there but the physical. A good example of this is the Rusty Nail (nickname compliments of my dear friend TupperDoug, who explains, "Rusty, because he's old. And Nail, because he likes to nail you." Thanks, D). The Rusty Nail used to work with me several jobs ago. He was an ornery bastard who never turned his timecards in on time, and resented having this 21-year old fresh from college with her fancy degree little lassy nagging him about it. For my part, I thought he was a stubborn mule and general all around asshole. We used to get together on Tuesday nights and make hate to each other. The next day we'd be back at each other's throats. This went on for an entire summer. We never started hanging out, we never went to dinner. Hell, we never even learned to get along. I haven't seen him even one time since I quit that job. That's a fuck-friend.

A friend-fuck is someone that is just exactly like your other friends. You get together, hang out, go to parties, talk on the phone, e-mail, whatever. You also happen to occasionally fall into the same bed, and subsequently each other. Everything else stays the same. You don't start holding hands in public, or buying them flowers or shit like that. You're just friends. Friends with a cherry on top.

So which is better? With the fuck-friend, there is no chance of getting any more deeply involved. There are no feelings there, even of the non-romantic variety, and therefore no real chance of getting hurt. But along with that, there is never going to be anything deeper, and if it goes on long enough it will start to get hollow (read: boring). Conversely, with your friend-fuck, you have the benefit of being with someone you really care about. You actually have something to talk about in between takes or what have you. But what you also have is a connection. A connection that can grow into romantic feelings on the part of one or both parties. A connection that can lead you down a path of fear and jealousy. The dark side of friend-fucking if you will. The kind of stuff that if you don't tread very, very carefully could unravel your entire friendship.

Over the years I have found myself in both of these situations a number of times, and I have to tell you people: I still don't have an answer for you. Or, for that matter, for me. The benefits and drawbacks for each still appear pretty evenly balanced.

It's a mystery kids. And that's why, so is mankind.


VI said...

I had a dream last night that we (my husband and I) went to Chicago (we often go to the orchid festival) and we went to Tai's - just b/c I wanted to see the atmosphere. And you were there and you started stalking me (though, I don't think you actually read my blog - nor do you know what I look like) and I was really freaked out... and bloggers were everywhere.

and then I woke up - and I was relieved.

amberance said...

I've been known, on occasion, to stop by your blog. I too would be freaked out if there were bloggers everywhere. Much as I'm slightly freaked out that people who only know me from my blog are dreaming about Tai's.

My friend Timmy, you know, Web Swinger? His wife is into the orchid thing as well. I can't do it. All plants die in my care. I suck at plants.

TheJesusFish said...

It is choices like this that make me feel justified in doing what my friends tell me to do:

Go and fuck myself.

Hot Heather said...

i'm all about the whole friend-fuck (that's the one who is also your friend right?) i like to like the person i sleep with... granted it gives you the chance to get hurt, but then you also don't feel like such a slut... and yay Tai's (is it Thursday yet?)

Soulfire said...

Oh, how annoying it would be to be in a room full of bloggers, commenting on your life to your actual face. Friend fucks have served me well...can't complain since I never played the girly card and cared more than I had too.

Nice post, a well needed clarity of fuck buddies to be subdivided. Listen and beware of Amber's wisdom to anyone considering the fuck buddy way of life.

Tara said...

both are nice--I would tend toward the former because it's less complicated that way: you know what the rules are. Unless you are really guarded about your feelings, #2 almost inevitably winds up badly. or maybe it always winds up badly in college and if you can hold out 5-6 years later, you realize you can actually accomplish a friend-fuck quite nicely.
Incidentally, I have seen various bloggers who have happy hours, special meetings, etc, for all of their friends & well-wishers. (chocolate & zucchini is having one in NYC next weekend.) not a completely crazy thing to do, but there is something nice about the anonymity.

Eric said...

Fuck-friend wins, hands down.

Anonymous said...

But what about those times where that peron seems to go back and forth between the 2??? I seem to have that going for me at the moment....

LaniLaKai said...

I say the fuck-friend wins. The whole "no attachment" is definitely the key. Fuck 'em and leave 'em. I recently, okay over a year ago, got out of a thing with a friend-fuck who decided to up and get a girlfriend on me. That's the part that ABSOLUTELY sucks. After being a friend-fuck for almost 3 years, the other person "belonging" to someone else and abruptly ending your long-time friendship, and friend-fuckship is still the worst experience I have gone through. We are no longer even friends....probably because his girlfriend found out we were fucking.