Monday, May 02, 2005

How to Dress Like a Punk

PGS had a show this past Friday night and, as DenMILF, it was my responsibility to be there to rub Ben Gay on Joe's back (Joe tends to be somewhat hyperactive, and thought it would be great fun and garner much laughter if he vaulted a countertop half an hour before they hit the stage. It did garner much laughter, but he assures me it was altogether not fun. His screaming for Ben Gay quickly turned into screaming to get rid of Ben Gay after another friend dumped nearly the entire bottle on him. In an attempt to stop the burning of his flesh he tried to climb inside the refridgerator. I did what any loving den mother would do - grabbed the camera and started snapping pictures of how ridiculous he looked whilst laughing at him).

At the last punk rock show I attended, I felt exceptionally conspicuous due to my very very non-punk attire, which I was wearing due to the fact that I'm not, in fact, a punk. I was convinced everyone was looking at me as if I didn't belong and so tried to be as small and quiet as possible, which of course further added to my standing out as people attending punk rock shows are anything but quiet.

With Friday night's show fast approaching, Jim and Heather decided to solve this problem for me by borrowing heavily from Jim's wardrobe (including shoes) and giving me a brief tutorial in "SoCal" punk fashion. On Thursday night, they worked on dressing me properly, as though I were a living, breathing Barbie doll (minus tits). I was peppered with tips and advice as follows:
  • You always have to have an even number of bracelets, mostly the jelly bracelets all the kids wore in grade school. I pointed out that the bartender only wears one bracelet and it's metal, but did not receive a satisfactory explanation for this anomaly.
  • Your clothes should match, but not "too much". This was a debate that raged between the two of them on whether I should wear a black necktie or a gray one. My interjection that a necktie generally doesn't go with a t-shirt no matter what color it is was ignored.
  • Belts should worn at all times, regardless of the presence of belt loops, should be buckled on the side or in the back, and must remain crooked. I joked that it was a lot of work to look like I was too lazy to put an effort into my appearance. Neither of them laughed.
  • A trucker hat may or may not be appropriate, but if it sports the same band as your t-shirt you must change one or the other and/or drop the hat. We opted for the no-hat alternative.
At the end of this alternate universe "What Not To Wear" episode, they laid out all my entire outfit for me so that I could get dressed for the show by myself the next day, and told me to call with any questions.
And so it was that Friday night I showed up at the PGS show wearing a t-shirt, necktie, tiny skirt, crooked belt, knee socks, Converse, 6 plastic bracelets and an arm band. And in so doing, discovered the following: As conspicuous as I felt at the last show dressed like I just walked out of a GAP catalog, I felt 10 times as conspicuous at this show dressed in clothes I would never have dressed myself in. I'm quite sure I would have been far more at ease had I showed up stark raving naked with a giant flashing neon sign attached to my head reading "Gives hand jobs for crack" and an arrow pointing down at me.
On the other hand, being 27 years old and having dozens of 16-year-old emo kids hit on you is oddly gratifying, even if it makes you feel like a dirty cradle robbing perv.

. Posted by Hello


Web Swinger said...

Hmmm, seems like the non conformists want you to conform. I would think the best way to look punk at a punk show would be for you to be yourself.

Two questions, 1) do you have a picture, 2) how tiny?

amberance said...

I thought exactly the same thing. Yes I have a picture, and it will answer your second question when I post it. Just waiting for Hot Heather to send me the file.

Hot Heather said...

we didn't tell her to conform... she chose to... and who said i was a punk? just cuz i know how to dress it doesn't mean i do