Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Commercials I Hate

Right, listen. I'm running a fever and I hate having a fever with the hatiest of hates. So fair warning: this post will be nit-picky, overly critical and full of vitriol. This will also be your only warning, so heed it. I am hostile.

With brilliant commercials like the Old Spice Guy, The Most Interesting Man in the World, all the Jameson ones and of course the long running and fabulous SportsCenter promos, it is obvious that there is a lot of talent out there in the advertising world. Why is it then, that there are so many flat out fucking shitty commercials still being made? There's just no excuse for that.

For as good as the SportsCenter series has been for years, I saw an ESPN promo today that was completely off the mark. It was for NASCAR. Now, I get that you have to really talk up NASCAR if you want people to watch it because NASCAR is dumb. But I think it is taking things a bit far to tell people that watching a NASCAR race is exciting because "there's uncertainty around every turn". What? No there isn't. Have you even seen NASCAR? It's a bunch of greasy hilljacks (plus one bow-legged overly dramatic woman) driving in circles. There's nothing that is uncertain here. I assure you, the only thing that is going to happen around every turn is that they're all going to make a left. Well whoopidy-do, assholes. NASCAR still sucks. Fuck off.

Also, what is with the Xfinity commercials (for that matter, what is with the name "Xfinity"? That's not a word. It's not even a portmanteau. You suck.)? That bundle of wires crawling around is fucking creepy. Congratulations, you've somehow managed to make electrical components look gross. Right now Xfinity is promoting their baseball package. They went for the American heritage angle, which is ok, but they go and ruin it by telling you that baseball is "America's first space program". Sorry, I believe the organization you're looking for was called the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics. Hitting a baseball is not the same thing as going to space. No one has ever actually hit a baseball into space. If someone had we'd know about it because he'd have to be a fucking mutant. Baseball has nothing to do with space. Shut up.

Then there are the commercials for Windows Cloud. These are not all bad. The one in the airport makes sense - the flight is delayed, they're stuck there, might as well watch some television. I'll just overlook the fact that the show they chose to watch was called Celebrity Rehab because I'm magnanimous like that. It's pretty neat when you think about it. Who would have thought back in the 80's, when televisions were less of an appliance and more of a piece of furniture, and computers were ginormous and had no hard drives, that someday we'd be watching television on a computer small enough to carry around with you and that you wouldn't have to plug it into anything? No, the one I'm on about is the one with the mom who is editing the family photo. Again, no problem with that per se - I'm all for retouching your photos, no one wants to see Pam's stretch marks in Playboy. The problem I have is with the two lines she has at the end. I'll take each in turn:

  1. "There! A photo I can share without ridicule." Are you serious? You just dressed your entire family in the exact same god-awful blue flannel shirt, you most certainly are going to get ridiculed. Here, I'll do it right now: you look like a bunch of fucking tools dressed like that. Are you high? You know your kids are going to get the shit beaten out of them at school if anyone ever sees this don't you? Actually, maybe that was the plan all along because the next line is
  2. "Cloud gives me the family that nature never could." Wow. Thanks, June Cleaver. Way to make your husband and kids feel like failures. Seriously, how bad could they be? They did all dress up in that hideous fucking shirt that may yet get them killed in an effort to make you happy, I think that's pretty nice of them. I sure as hell wouldn't do it. Your impossible standards are going to leave you a lonely bitter woman after your kids cut you out of their lives (after years of therapy from how you fucked them up) and your husband leaves you for his secretary because at least she doesn't criticize every. single. thing. he. does. You seem like a bitch. I don't want to use any products that you use, Cloud is tainted now.
Like I said, fever. Stuck on the couch. I'm sure there will be more so stay turned.


monogodo said...

Actually, I have a problem with the Airport Windows Cloud ad.

Why would they bother to remote into their computer at home (which is probably powered off anyway), when they could simply go to Hulu or Netflix?

amberance said...

It's an interesting point. I don't watch enough anything to justify a Netflix account, and perhaps Celebrity Rehab isn't available on Hulu. However, I do find it hard to believe that their home computer would be powered up if no one was home.

Unofficial Openings said...

I'm with you 100% on the ads but 0% on the spelling of portmanteau, which I'm putting down to the fever :o) Yours anally x

amberance said...

I've fixed it. Other possible reasons for the misspelling:

1. Pretty sure that was the first time I'd ever used the word in a written sentence.

2. I can't spell anyway even under the best conditions.

3. I don't speak fucking French and don't care to learn the rules.

monogodo said...

Re: Celebrity Rehab on Hulu:

Ah, but they didn't say, "Let's go to the cloud and access Celebrity Rehab on our home computer to kill time." They simply accessed it to see what was saved on it, and happened to choose Celebrity Rehab. Surely they would have chosen something else on Hulu if it wasn't available there.

amberance said...

Damn you. You win again, sir.

monogodo said...

Just checked, it's available.

amberance said...

Here's how much attention I'm paying to the world around me: When I saw that in the commercial I thought it was a parody of all the stupid reality shows. I'm just now learning that it's an actual show.

Anonymous said...

xfinity sucks fucken ass