I am SO not into this Valentine's Day crap this year. Unless you're talking about Chicago-style, in which case I'm all in. Not that I've shot all, or even any of my rivals today, I'm just all about anything Chicago related. Also Capone and my last name come from the same root word: "Caput" in the Latin, or "Capo" in Italian, meaning "large or unusual head". So don't fuck with me or my giant melon will have you taken out.
It's been suggested to me that the reason I'm down on the hearts and flowers thing right now is that I don't have a Valentine this year. To this I say, "phooey". I'm not really into this even when I do. I'm incapable of taking care of flowers, cut or otherwise, I'm not a chocolate fiend, I refuse to eat anything that tastes like chalk, I rarely wear jewelry and I hate the color pink. I don't want anyone else in the bathtub with me, painting my toenails (or otherwise touching my feet) or buying my underwear. Please don't write me poetry if you have trouble stringing together a complete sentence on a normal day, and never EVER try to cook me something if you consider a jar of Ragu and a bag of meatballs you found in the frozen section of your local Jewel to be "homemade".
A far more enjoyable holiday for me is chronicled over at Cryptic's blog. I remember hearing about this last year and thinking it was the greatest idea ever. Apparently, some guy got sick of having to go out and buy his girlfriend stupid crap for Valentine's Day, and in retaliation he invented what he felt was a reciprocal holiday. Except that for gals like me, it's not. Because I think Valentine's Day is total ass.
I'd like to take this opportunity to suggest a potential alternative celebration of love for February 14th - Crab Legs and Cunnilingus Day. I just think this would be much better. Because if you're anything like me (and if you're reading this, I suspect you probably are), you know that candy and flowers will never say "I love you" with the same fervor as expensive food and oral sex. Additionally, it makes for a much better parallel with SBJ Day. Who's in?