Monday, February 07, 2005

An Eventful Saturday

***ATTENTION! This post is longer than Fat Albert's grocery list, and contains explicit material. It is not intended for family members, or, for that matter, anyone who has known me since I was three. Don't say I didn't warn you.***

Oh. My. God. What a day Saturday. I'm still trying to process it. I got over to K/B residence about 3:15 and found Bia already present. Let the lap dancing lessons begin! There were two videos - one obviously oriented to males, which was more of a soft-core porno than anything I would consider to be a lesson, and another one with actual "here's how you do this" instructions, with a bunch of women standing in rows gyrating like some twisted horny Tae-Bo class. The woman teaching the class instructed me to "feel" both the music and various parts of my body. She explained that we were learning to touch ourselves in a non-sexual way. Huh. 'Cause I was thinking that lap dances were mostly about touching myself IN a sexual way. Shows you how much I had to learn. "Place your hands on your thighs and just...just feel your skin...and move your hands around to the side...and then up and just feel your tummy, and your hips and recognize how nice that feels. You're touching yourself in a way you normally would not." Actually, I touch myself like this every day - I call it showering. After we rubbed all the skin off our bodies, we started learning actual "moves" which turned out to be pretty interesting. Then at the end they "put it all together" with a little skit of a girl giving a lap dance to her boyfriend, which took for-EV-er. First of all she had her coat on when she started. Underneath that she had no less than three layers of clothing, followed by her bra and panties. Every strip club I've ever been in, bra and panties is where you START. If I was that guy I would have passed out, it took her about 40 minutes to get rid of all her clothes. The video was topped off with some simulated sex. I say simulated because I'm pretty sure they were just pretending to have sex. I was also not quite sure what this had to do with learning to give a lap dance. I'm pretty sure I already know how to have sex. Maybe it was there to show what the result should be if I did it right? Give a good lap dance, get pretend sex. Got it.

Speaking of pretend sex, the Pure Romance consultant had arrived. Her name is Tina and she had her sister along to help her out with stuff. Lisa, Bia and I milled around making conversation, which was punctuated with interesting snippets coming from Tina while she and her sister set up: "Can you hand me the clit stimulators?" "I need more batteries for these vibrators." "That dildo keeps falling off the TV." (It was attached via suction cup, and apparently wasn't sticking because Tim cleaned the screen too well.)

Everyone else arrived (the Cherub, who is the cutest thing ever, took off her shoes and announced, "I have two different socks on, sorry!") and the show got started. Tina is hilarious. She demoed a product called "fluttering fantasy" which is a strap on vibrator that you can put on under your clothes and wear around. She recommended that we not wear it to church. Good point. Another product called "super stretch vagina lips" (for your man, apparently when you get bored of him) was pitched to us with the bonus feature of "no muss, no fuss" clean up because, Tina says, "This bitch swallows!" We were also advised not to use the "like a virgin" muscle tightener with a tampon in, as we would have difficulty getting it out again. To further drive home that point, we were treated to a lovely sound effect demonstration, very much like popping a cork on a champagne bottle. It did not sound comfortable.

I ended up buying way more stuff than I had anticipated, as follows:

  • x-scream edible hightener, cool mint flavor (which was test run to great success at 2:30 in the morning)
  • silver bullet vibrator (also part of 2:30 am test run, "Holy SHIT!" I said out loud, to no one in particular)
  • just like me water-based lubricant that can be used in the tub, with my new
  • waterproof glitterific vibrator (I'm not sure what's with the decorative coloring of these things. If I'm using it, I can't really see that, right?)
  • ice ice baby vibrator (on the schedule for testing later today)
  • like a virgin (cork-popping tampon sound effects not included)
  • vanilla bondage kit, a cream colored blindfold and two cream colored silky ties, adorably packaged in a pint-size ice cream carton
  • micro vibro keychain, a bullet vibrator you keep on your keychain (I thought it would be a good conversation starter in bars)
  • and last but not least, booty ease, which I'm pretty sure my perverted readers will find self-explanatory.
The actual buying of things is done in a separate room, so the women who just saw me fondling a dozen or so ginormous sex toys won't know what I bought, the whole point of which was negated when I started pulling everything out of the bag as soon as it was handed to me. I came out of the private buying booth dizzy from having handed over so many clams. I said to the Cherub, "[Cherub], I don't have any money now!" to which she replied, "At least it's going to a good cause!" Did I mention how cute she is?
After this we all sat around watching porn and eating sandwiches. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, a room full of women watching porn bears no resemblance whatsoever to a room full of guys watching porn, or to watching porn all by your little self. A running commentary was kept up for the entire performance:
"There's better ways to do this."
"She should lay back more, it'd be easier."
"Why does that guy still have his socks on?"
"Are those tan lines? Oh my God, that looks stupid!"
My favorite moment ever was at the end of a segment where some guy was porking his girlfriend up against the side of the limo they had recently been riding in. Having completed the task at hand, the guy kindly helps his girlfriend get her panties back on before re-dressing himself. It is the only time I have ever been watching porn where the entire audience exclaimed "Awwwww! That's so sweet!" Words I hope to never hear while viewing porn again.
Next we headed out to see a male revue. I had pitched a huge bitch about not wanting to go to a male review. I don't like chisely looking guys and I don't like prominent veins and I don't like shaved chests. It just seemed really gross to me. BUT Sandi pointed out that when the lot of us went out to Christie's to see female strippers, she toughed it out even though she was completely disgusted, so I should have to go with them and tough it out. I had to admit it was only fair, so I went.
Our waiter came to find out what we wanted to drink. He was dressed in biking shorts with his thong sticking out the top and no shirt. It's not a good look for anyone. His face looked just exactly the way the Neanderthals look on the History Channel. We quickly found out why.
"Do you use Prell?" he asked the Cherub.
"No," she said.
"Pantene Pro-V?"
"Yes."
"I knew it." We all found this to be an odd conversation. Also, he didn't know it, he guessed Prell the first time! Dufus. The Cherub ordered a Smirnoff Ice and Bia ordered a gin and tonic. Neanderthal went away to retrieve drinks from the bartender, who happens to be the Cherub's ex's brother. "He's kind of a jerk," she giggled cutely.
Shortly after Neanderthal went off hunting and gathering alcohol, we were approached by Amateur Comedian. Amateur Comedian, also shirtless, sported cut-off jean shorts and a fanny pack. Attractive. Amateur Comedian was hawking a tray full of shots. "Who needs a shot?" Everyone shook their head, except for the Cherub, who pointed to something opaque and white and innocently asked "What's that?"
"That's the kind of girl I like, she went straight for the blow job!!" haha, I never saw that one coming. "What are you girls here for anyway? Birthday? Getting married?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Really? There's no special occasion at all?"
"No. It's just girls night out."
"Wow that's great. Just checking out the guys huh?"
"I guess."
"Yeah, cool. I like to check out the girls myself. I'm a lesbian!" No, actually you're not. Because you are a boy, so by definition, not a lesbian. But I see what you did there. Haha. Good one.
"Hey, you know when a guy and a girl get married, they get a marriage license? What do you think lesbians get when they get married, a liquor license? Ha ha ha!"
Crickets.
He paused, waiting the laugh which was not to come. "Get it? Liquor license?"
"Yeah, we get it."
Uncomfortable pause.
"Wow, instead of Girls Gone Wild, this table is more like Girls Gone Mild!" Yes, Amateur Comedian, you are very clever.
Not getting a laugh or any takers on the shots, Amateur Comedian moved on to another table, just in time for Neanderthal to come back with the drinks. Did I mention he was dumb? Check this out:
"$9.25. For both. The Smirnoff is $4.50 and the gin and tonic is $4.75. Oh wait a minute! That should be $10.25, sorry." Nope, should have gone with your first instinct on that one, buddy.
The emcee comes out to start the show. He explains the rules: 1) down in front so the people in the back can see 2) no touching of the strippers and 3) everyone is single. With the exception of number 3, the rules are blatantly disregarded by all. We also found out that there is no seat that is safe from these lovely lap dancing gentleman. If you try to hide in the corner, they will climb over the bench to get to you. If you try to hide behind the table, they just move it out of their way. There was one stripper who seemed completely enamored with our table, especially Bia. He copped a huge feel and loudly declared, "Shit, those are real!" before burying his face in her chest (to be fair, I had stuck a dollar in there, but still). Then, I think just to be diplomatic, he went around the table and felt everyone up. I thought that was very nice of him.
My favorite moment was the same guy, but much, much later on. I was talking to the Cherub when suddenly Bia punched me in the gut. "Ow! What the fuck was that for?" I complained.
"Look!" She shouted. "It's OUT!" Apparently the women at the table behind us had gotten a little surprise gift. And our stripper caught Bia watching. He came sauntering over and took a seat...on my knee. Grinning at Bia, he whips his dick out of his thong underwear. Actually, it was more like he unfurled it. Um, hi. Your anaconda is on my knee. And it's heavy. Please move it. The Cherub leaned over the table for a better view and spoke my favorite piece of cuteness she has ever dropped on me.
"Is that real?"
"Yeah it's real!" he said, pretending to be offended. Then, helpfully, "You wanna touch it?"
The Cherub grinned. "It's nice."
IT'S NICE?????? Who says that? I would have fallen out of my seat from laughing, were it not for the naked man that had perched himself on my thigh.
All in all, a good time was had by all, and we went home to prepare for Superbowl strip-poker the following day, which had it's own whole set of issues. But one day at a time, shall we?

40 comments:

tony93637 said...

well amber that outta fill your toy box for a while (no pun intended). ok, i got this pic in my head of the 2:30 a.m. "test run" and what i'm curious about is at what point did you cum to the conclusion that the x-scream edible hightener was cool mint flavor, before, during or after? also, dimensions of the toys might prove to be useful information for someone hitting on you if you'd care to elaborate, at the very least it would give your readers a clearer indication of what you're into... more or less:? and finally, i know that shit aint cheap... i'm curious what the total damage for the evening was, aside from the punch in the gut and the snakebite on your knee. glad you had a good time. keep it cummin.

Soulfire said...

The last time I bought sex toys was in a store with an eagerly informative sales lady about the same age as my Mother. She had no qualms yelling over to me as I blinked at the wall of sex, "The black 12" cock rolls AND vibrates."

H said...

I love lesbians!

amberance said...

Yes, especially your wife! I love lesbians who inadverdently name their blog after whale peni. ;)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
amberance said...

Hi there. You have freak us out. Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

Hi

I've read your blogs and been a fan for so long, I feel like a know all of you. I feel like you open the electronic portal and invite me into your world. Lots of hugs and wet, sweet kisses.

Piper

amberance said...

Hi Piper! Thank you for being normal.

Tara said...

I read the warning & read the entry even though you're not my friend. After reading it, I think I need more friends like you.:)

amberance said...

I like friends! You can be my friend. Wanna?

Eric said...

You have to e-mail me that removed post.

Also, as I told you, this was a great post. A comment though: In the past I have posited that excessive picture posting ruins the true value of the blog. I think I have also posted that I am willing to make an exception for porn-like related material (and/or pictures of you).

Now I'm not looking for pictures of the male-stripper sausage, but I'd be able to get a much better mental image with links to pictures of your various purchases ;) (read: I'm too lazy to go look them up).

Anonymous said...

Each and every single one of you needs to stop and get a life. Why any of you who read this blog would have time to respond to such nonsense is beyond me. If you need to read a blog to get friends, perhaps you should re-evaluate. The people who write this and are described in this are the most desperate people I think I have ever encountered. Just know there are those of us out there that read this for pure entertainment value at what losers you all are and we can all feel so much better about ourselves each and everyday there are people like you in the world

Eric said...

Did someone who said they read this blog to feel better about themselves just call everyone else losers?

Anonymous said...

No you idiot - read correctly - there are those of us who read this to laugh - not to feel better about ourselves, but in the process of being doubled over in pain while laughing, you can't help but thank god you don't need to post on the internet details of your personal life for attention. You either get attention because you are worth it or not - you should be ashamed of yourself for purely relying on this for self worth. Please do not attempt to outsmart me as you have no chance. You and the amberance can attempt to utilize your big words and what you think to be interesting chatter, but it seriously will never amount. So please don't attempt to reply and act big.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure as of who needs to stop and get a life. Us for actually going out and having fun or you dear anonymous for having fun by reading other people’s blogs. If you would have a life of your own, you would most likely not waste your time getting entertained by others. You would go out there and fuck someone real rather than masturbate while reading about others being fucked. How desperate are you?????

Anonymous said...

That's all you got!!! ha ha - you desperate young thing.

H said...

I think it's obvious that the only respectful and adult way to settle this dispute between Eric and Anonymous is with a dance-off.

Anonymous said...

Amber, this is Piper. Who the fuck took my poem down? Who are these freaks? Can't we just all learn to worship you for who you are and stop all of this hatred? I have no life, so I live anonymously through you, Amber. As for the rest of you: go find another host mechanism to latch onto. This hot little piece of ass belongs to me.

amberance said...

Hi Piper! I had to take your poem down because it was upsetting some of the people featured in it. I still have it since I have all my comments e-mailed to me. But you kinda freaked out the girls there a touch.

Tara said...

"Please do not attempt to outsmart me as you have no chance." Who is that, Vizzini from "The Princess Bride"? I love anonymous lurkers. Amberance, consider that you now have a new friend with a couch in Washington DC to crash on....

Anonymous said...

Oh Amber. God I want to kick that lovely box of yours and let you laps your juices off of my face when I'm done. Love, Piper.

Anonymous said...

You all are so cool, I wish I could be a part of your club. Whoever this anonymous is should step up and identify yourself as we are all friends of the Amberance and live vicariously through a god like her.

Anonymous said...

Let's say I am Heather! How's that, my friend?

Eric said...

First, I will not submit to a dance-off.

Second, to anonymous person above, despite your warning that I should not respond, I couldn't resist.

Your message about stated that you read this blog to laugh at other people; laughing at other people makes you feel better about yourself.

There are two ways to read your comment. First, the way you read it: You read this blog to laugh at people; a by-product of that laughter is that you feel better about yourself. Congratulations.

Your proposed interpretation of your post is perfectly legitimate. However, I would offer (and did) an alternative interpretation that I think is a more accurate reading of what you actually meant. I also think my interpretation is consistent with the general tone and import of your body of work (the two posts).

The way I read it: You want to feel better about yourself, so you read things that make you laugh. In this case it's us. Without reading the discussions of people you think are beneath you, you don't feel good about yourself. I'm sorry.

There, I've presented two alternate theories. Let the readers pick! No dancing.

amberance said...

Ah, but Eric, you've never seen Heather dance! I have. So, you're right. No dancing. Maybe Broomball.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Amber, this so called “Piper” didn’t freak anyone out, we would like however to offer our help. There are some issues with this person I see; we would only like to help helpless people.

H said...

Dammit, all I wanted today was a friggin' dance-off! I so totally thought it was on. It was for a moment, it was totally ON for a moment. We'll always have that moment.

How about an evening gown competition? Or maybe something involving a pommel horse? I like ponies.

Eric said...

The pommel horse suggestion has my attention.

Anonymous said...

You are all sad and pathetic.

Anonymous said...

...and you are helpless. How disappointing!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

you go girl - don't let any of these others tell you how to run it - I so enjoy reading your blogs!!

P.S. - you always have a place to stay in my trailor in Arkansas!

Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous, who are you going to be next...Sherri, Joel, Renee?

Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous, who are you going to be next...Sherri, Joel, Renee?

Anonymous said...

Are those the names of the other toys in the toy chest? They can come too!

Anonymous said...

Do you have to go to College to turn out that stupid?

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for all that is to cum!!!!

amberance said...

Pommel horse! Pommel horse! Oh! Can we do floor exercises too? Or is that too much like dancing? I might have leotards left over from when I took ballet...

tony93637 said...

wow you really opened up pandora's box with this post, i can't wait ror the next "rubber made" party.