An Eventful Saturday

***ATTENTION! This post is longer than Fat Albert's grocery list, and contains explicit material. It is not intended for family members, or, for that matter, anyone who has known me since I was three. Don't say I didn't warn you.***

Oh. My. God. What a day Saturday. I'm still trying to process it. I got over to K/B residence about 3:15 and found Bia already present. Let the lap dancing lessons begin! There were two videos - one obviously oriented to males, which was more of a soft-core porno than anything I would consider to be a lesson, and another one with actual "here's how you do this" instructions, with a bunch of women standing in rows gyrating like some twisted horny Tae-Bo class. The woman teaching the class instructed me to "feel" both the music and various parts of my body. She explained that we were learning to touch ourselves in a non-sexual way. Huh. 'Cause I was thinking that lap dances were mostly about touching myself IN a sexual way. Shows you how much I had to learn. "Place your hands on your thighs and just...just feel your skin...and move your hands around to the side...and then up and just feel your tummy, and your hips and recognize how nice that feels. You're touching yourself in a way you normally would not." Actually, I touch myself like this every day - I call it showering. After we rubbed all the skin off our bodies, we started learning actual "moves" which turned out to be pretty interesting. Then at the end they "put it all together" with a little skit of a girl giving a lap dance to her boyfriend, which took for-EV-er. First of all she had her coat on when she started. Underneath that she had no less than three layers of clothing, followed by her bra and panties. Every strip club I've ever been in, bra and panties is where you START. If I was that guy I would have passed out, it took her about 40 minutes to get rid of all her clothes. The video was topped off with some simulated sex. I say simulated because I'm pretty sure they were just pretending to have sex. I was also not quite sure what this had to do with learning to give a lap dance. I'm pretty sure I already know how to have sex. Maybe it was there to show what the result should be if I did it right? Give a good lap dance, get pretend sex. Got it.

Speaking of pretend sex, the Pure Romance consultant had arrived. Her name is Tina and she had her sister along to help her out with stuff. Lisa, Bia and I milled around making conversation, which was punctuated with interesting snippets coming from Tina while she and her sister set up: "Can you hand me the clit stimulators?" "I need more batteries for these vibrators." "That dildo keeps falling off the TV." (It was attached via suction cup, and apparently wasn't sticking because Tim cleaned the screen too well.)

Everyone else arrived (the Cherub, who is the cutest thing ever, took off her shoes and announced, "I have two different socks on, sorry!") and the show got started. Tina is hilarious. She demoed a product called "fluttering fantasy" which is a strap on vibrator that you can put on under your clothes and wear around. She recommended that we not wear it to church. Good point. Another product called "super stretch vagina lips" (for your man, apparently when you get bored of him) was pitched to us with the bonus feature of "no muss, no fuss" clean up because, Tina says, "This bitch swallows!" We were also advised not to use the "like a virgin" muscle tightener with a tampon in, as we would have difficulty getting it out again. To further drive home that point, we were treated to a lovely sound effect demonstration, very much like popping a cork on a champagne bottle. It did not sound comfortable.

I ended up buying way more stuff than I had anticipated, as follows:

• x-scream edible hightener, cool mint flavor (which was test run to great success at 2:30 in the morning)
• silver bullet vibrator (also part of 2:30 am test run, "Holy SHIT!" I said out loud, to no one in particular)
• just like me water-based lubricant that can be used in the tub, with my new
• waterproof glitterific vibrator (I'm not sure what's with the decorative coloring of these things. If I'm using it, I can't really see that, right?)
• ice ice baby vibrator (on the schedule for testing later today)
• like a virgin (cork-popping tampon sound effects not included)
• vanilla bondage kit, a cream colored blindfold and two cream colored silky ties, adorably packaged in a pint-size ice cream carton
• micro vibro keychain, a bullet vibrator you keep on your keychain (I thought it would be a good conversation starter in bars)
• and last but not least, booty ease, which I'm pretty sure my perverted readers will find self-explanatory.

The actual buying of things is done in a separate room, so the women who just saw me fondling a dozen or so ginormous sex toys won't know what I bought, the whole point of which was negated when I started pulling everything out of the bag as soon as it was handed to me. I came out of the private buying booth dizzy from having handed over so many clams. I said to the Cherub, "[Cherub], I don't have any money now!" to which she replied, "At least it's going to a good cause!" Did I mention how cute she is?
After this we all sat around watching porn and eating sandwiches. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, a room full of women watching porn bears no resemblance whatsoever to a room full of guys watching porn, or to watching porn all by your little self. A running commentary was kept up for the entire performance:
"There's better ways to do this."
"She should lay back more, it'd be easier."
"Why does that guy still have his socks on?"
"Are those tan lines? Oh my God, that looks stupid!"
My favorite moment ever was at the end of a segment where some guy was porking his girlfriend up against the side of the limo they had recently been riding in. Having completed the task at hand, the guy kindly helps his girlfriend get her panties back on before re-dressing himself. It is the only time I have ever been watching porn where the entire audience exclaimed "Awwwww! That's so sweet!" Words I hope to never hear while viewing porn again.
Next we headed out to see a male revue. I had pitched a huge bitch about not wanting to go to a male review. I don't like chisely looking guys and I don't like prominent veins and I don't like shaved chests. It just seemed really gross to me. BUT Sandi pointed out that when the lot of us went out to Christie's to see female strippers, she toughed it out even though she was completely disgusted, so I should have to go with them and tough it out. I had to admit it was only fair, so I went.
Our waiter came to find out what we wanted to drink. He was dressed in biking shorts with his thong sticking out the top and no shirt. It's not a good look for anyone. His face looked just exactly the way the Neanderthals look on the History Channel. We quickly found out why.
"Do you use Prell?" he asked the Cherub.
"No," she said.
"Pantene Pro-V?"
"Yes."
"I knew it." We all found this to be an odd conversation. Also, he didn't know it, he guessed Prell the first time! Dufus. The Cherub ordered a Smirnoff Ice and Bia ordered a gin and tonic. Neanderthal went away to retrieve drinks from the bartender, who happens to be the Cherub's ex's brother. "He's kind of a jerk," she giggled cutely.
Shortly after Neanderthal went off hunting and gathering alcohol, we were approached by Amateur Comedian. Amateur Comedian, also shirtless, sported cut-off jean shorts and a fanny pack. Attractive. Amateur Comedian was hawking a tray full of shots. "Who needs a shot?" Everyone shook their head, except for the Cherub, who pointed to something opaque and white and innocently asked "What's that?"
"That's the kind of girl I like, she went straight for the blow job!!" haha, I never saw that one coming. "What are you girls here for anyway? Birthday? Getting married?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Really? There's no special occasion at all?"
"No. It's just girls night out."
"Wow that's great. Just checking out the guys huh?"
"I guess."
"Yeah, cool. I like to check out the girls myself. I'm a lesbian!" No, actually you're not. Because you are a boy, so by definition, not a lesbian. But I see what you did there. Haha. Good one.
"Hey, you know when a guy and a girl get married, they get a marriage license? What do you think lesbians get when they get married, a liquor license? Ha ha ha!"
Crickets.
He paused, waiting the laugh which was not to come. "Get it? Liquor license?"
"Yeah, we get it."
Uncomfortable pause.
"Wow, instead of Girls Gone Wild, this table is more like Girls Gone Mild!" Yes, Amateur Comedian, you are very clever.
Not getting a laugh or any takers on the shots, Amateur Comedian moved on to another table, just in time for Neanderthal to come back with the drinks. Did I mention he was dumb? Check this out:
"$9.25. For both. The Smirnoff is $4.50 and the gin and tonic is $4.75. Oh wait a minute! That should be $10.25, sorry." Nope, should have gone with your first instinct on that one, buddy.
The emcee comes out to start the show. He explains the rules: 1) down in front so the people in the back can see 2) no touching of the strippers and 3) everyone is single. With the exception of number 3, the rules are blatantly disregarded by all. We also found out that there is no seat that is safe from these lovely lap dancing gentleman. If you try to hide in the corner, they will climb over the bench to get to you. If you try to hide behind the table, they just move it out of their way. There was one stripper who seemed completely enamored with our table, especially Bia. He copped a huge feel and loudly declared, "Shit, those are real!" before burying his face in her chest (to be fair, I had stuck a dollar in there, but still). Then, I think just to be diplomatic, he went around the table and felt everyone up. I thought that was very nice of him.
My favorite moment was the same guy, but much, much later on. I was talking to the Cherub when suddenly Bia punched me in the gut. "Ow! What the fuck was that for?" I complained.
"Look!" She shouted. "It's OUT!" Apparently the women at the table behind us had gotten a little surprise gift. And our stripper caught Bia watching. He came sauntering over and took a seat...on my knee. Grinning at Bia, he whips his dick out of his thong underwear. Actually, it was more like he unfurled it. Um, hi. Your anaconda is on my knee. And it's heavy. Please move it. The Cherub leaned over the table for a better view and spoke my favorite piece of cuteness she has ever dropped on me.
"Is that real?"
"Yeah it's real!" he said, pretending to be offended. Then, helpfully, "You wanna touch it?"
The Cherub grinned. "It's nice."
IT'S NICE?????? Who says that? I would have fallen out of my seat from laughing, were it not for the naked man that had perched himself on my thigh.
All in all, a good time was had by all, and we went home to prepare for Superbowl strip-poker the following day, which had it's own whole set of issues. But one day at a time, shall we?