Saturday, August 10, 2013

Candy Land? More like BRANDY Land, Amirite?

For my non-American audience (which is most of you), Candy Land is a children's board game that is so basic in concept it's usually one of the first two board games a child is given (the other being Snakes and Ladders, except here it's called Chutes and Ladders because we won't give kids pictures of cartoon snakes for some reason (I suspect this is discrimination against snakes for having two penises because we are puritans. By the way, snakes have two penises and are therefore crazy awesome. See also: sharks)). It's a bit different now from the way it was when I was a little ape, primarily in that the game board has way more shit going on since today's children have the attention span of a gnat, there's a spinner to find out which square you're going to next instead of cards, I assume because parents everywhere got sick of their children losing all the cards and/or drooling on them, and there's no more peanut brittle house because today's children have no idea what the fuck peanut brittle is:
Candy Land the way I remember it with peanut brittle and neapolitan ice cream and candy hearts

Candy Land today. Note the pirate ship. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH CANDY?
Today I took a short break from dismantling my life for easier shipping and continued my boyfriend's education in American culture by teaching him how to play Candy Land. Except I may have made it into a drinking game and possibly also added stripping to it, a la poker. And StereoNinja may have passed out while we were on Skype because he was drunk by 6 pm and forgot to eat dinner, and I may have been drunk myself before noon. The point is I need to find a place for Candy Land in my luggage because I have completely corrupted a game intended for 3 year olds with booze and nudity. And that some animals have two penises.


Anonymous said...

I can't see the first picture :(

amberance said...

Should be fixed now.

Kate said...

I looked up Candyland a couple of years ago after it was referenced in The Big Bang Theory and found a site showing how the design had evolved over the years and I definitely preferred the various earlier designs to the recent ones.
I don't like that new one you've got there at all, it's far too crowded.

Shame you can't get it in the UK, I really can't think why.

Randell said...


Q said...

Wow...that's scary the way it looks now...poor kids of today with their no attention keeping asses!

Kelly said...

Wow. I swear they must have a British version... Like Snakes & Ladders instead of Shoots & Ladders.

Don't they have Land of Sweeties or something instead!? :)

love you & miss you amberance! wish i could be joining the others for xmas... alas, this is not the year. xox