Friday, June 08, 2012

50 Screams of Hate

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

The very first note I wrote about this book reads as follows:

"Page 1: First two sentences!!! I immediately dislike this."

The next note reads:

"Entire first paragraph fucking blows."

This book opens with the main character, Ana, standing in front of a mirror and complaining because ohmigod her hair just won't behave! I instantly hate her. She continues to do this through the entire paragraph and also tells us her blue eyes are too big for her face. I already know this is going to be a theme and I HATE women who act like this - the exaggerated self-deprecating compliment fishing behavior of the insecure and self-obsessed. Oh you have big beautiful blue eyes? I FEEL SO FUCKING SORRY FOR YOU.

I am further alienated from the main character in the second paragraph. She is hating on herself in the mirror because her roommate, Kate, was supposed to do an interview for the school paper, but now Ana has to do it because Kate has inconsiderately come down with the flu. My note on this says "Kate has the flu - WHAT A BITCH". Poor, poor Ana has to drive 165 miles to interview some super rich powerful guy and she has finals to study for! Oh dear! I have no sympathy for this character. The idea of saying "No, I have to study" has not even occurred to her. Ana is a whiny fucking moron. I feel badly for Kate, though, because she is sick and because she has an ass for a roommate.

That's the first page.

The meeting of the two main characters of the book is based on an entirely implausible premise. Kate is the editor of the school paper. Since she can't do the interview she inexplicably asks Ana to do it, despite the fact that Ana has no interviewing experience and doesn't even work on the fucking paper. In no universe does an editor do something like this - a real life editor would send another actual writer. I was explaining this to H-town, with whom I attended college and who went on to be a real live journalist!, and she pointed out that even that was unlikely because a normal person would have rescheduled the interview. An editor must have pointed this out, because it is made very explicit that it took 9 MONTHS to get him to agree to this interview and THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER CHANCE, which still doesn't explain why she would send her non-writing painfully awkward roommate instead of someone with a goddamn clue.

While this ridiculously contrived storyline is being laid out, two other things are happening: Ana is constantly describing how perfect Kate is at EVERYTHING EVER, and so much foreshadowing there is practically no reason to bother reading the rest of the book. Kate, by the way, who I initially was sympathetic towards, is a college student who drives a Mercedes so now I hate her as well. This revelation is also the point (page 2!) where I encounter the first of so, so many asinine sentences I still can't believe actually got published: "Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I hit the pedal to the metal." My note next to that sentence reads "Go die."

So she goes to the interview and there is so much foreshadowing you could trip over it. The building is intimidating, all the office workers are perfect, everyone's outfit is immaculate, Ana feels out of place because she is so awkward and plain and her clothes aren't right at all. I come across an instance of unnecessary hyperbole that makes me throw up in my mouth a little, when she describes the elevator she's in as traveling at "terminal velocity". I'm no professional writer, but if you're writing an entire novel, nay, THREE OF THEM, it's probably best to save the hyperbolic descriptions for things that actually advance the fucking plot. I've read better writing than this when I was on the staff of the creative writing magazine at my high school.

Anywhore, she is admitted to his office and immediately trips and falls flat on her face because OF COURSE SHE DOES, SHE IS TOTES THE MOST AWKWARD GIRL, LIKE, EVAR. She then proceeds to make a complete ass of herself because she has done zero research on this guy whatsoever, nor has she read any of the questions Kate has written, a point which confuses me because a few paragraphs earlier she had taken the questions out of her backpack while she waited in the lobby, so I guess she just spaced out and forgot to look at them? This kind of bullshit where the author seems to forget what she wrote two pages ago happens repeatedly. Ana's atrocious lack of preparedness is all Kate's fault, by the way. Kate should have briefed her. Kate should have told her how young he was and that he was totes the hottest guy who has ever lived. Ana is incapable of taking any sort of responsibility for herself and also has never fucking heard of Google. I hate her with the hatiest of hates.

The foreshadowing is out of friggin control. She shakes his hand and it is electrifying. She chalks this up to static because we are supposed to think she is so innocent and naive. He is the most gorgeous man in existence. He is also an arrogant, controlling prick. The entire dynamic of their future relationship (which everyone reading knows is coming because it COULD NOT BE MORE CLEAR) is established. Additionally, I am now filled with moral outrage because she has right off the bat thrown both of her main characters into stereotypical, one-dimensional caricatures of people who participate in D/s relationships: all subs are insecure mousy little creatures who could never figure their life out on their own; all Doms are arrogant outrageous control freaks who need to dominate EVERY SINGLE THING AND PERSON IN THEIR LIVES AT ALL TIMES. Pay attention, because this is important: both of those archetypes are COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT YOU GUYS. So far she is not mainstreaming and legitimising a subculture, she is undermining it by reinforcing the crap people already believe. I am now wholly convinced the only research she did for this book was to look up "BDSM" on Wikipedia and skim the first paragraph.

After the disaster of an interview which allegedly went over the allotted time, even though based on the dialogue seems like it couldn't have taken longer than 10 minutes, she gets up to leave and then more abominations of writing happen. There is another electrifying handshake which she assumes is her nerves because at 21 years old she is entirely unfamiliar with what sexual attraction feels like. He gets up to open the door with "lithe athletic grace" in case we weren't already sure he was the most beautiful man in all of history. As he does this, he says "Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Steele" because remember how she fell before? Well, just in case you forgot something she made a huge deal about SEVEN PAGES AGO she follows this line with "Obviously, he's referring to my earlier less-than-elegant entry into his office." Congratulations, you are are correct! That was completely obvious! It was so obvious that there was NO FUCKING REASON FOR YOU TO POINT OUT ITS OBVIOUSNESS, other than to reiterate that you are super duper clumsy and awkward which we already know because YOU KEEP TELLING US ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I hate her.

The second chapter starts with her RUNNING FRANTICALLY from the building and then hyperventilating for a while in the parking lot to give her time to complain AGAIN about how it's all because of Kate that she showed up for an interview entirely unprepared. My note on this reads "Why is she running? Why is it Kate's fault? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS?!?" She drives home while obsessing about this guy in minute foreshadowy detail: "Some of his answers were so cryptic - as if he had a hidden agenda."(emphasis mine) HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I WONDER IF HE'S PLOTTING SOMETHING IT IS SO HARD TO TELL. Hey, did you notice how controlling he is? And gorgeous? Like the most on the planet? Ana did! She'll tell you all about it! Again! My note: "Please tell me more about how you think he's arrogant and hot!" She gets home and Kate is wearing pajamas. She will describe these pajamas to you more than once. I can't be arsed. Kate is perfect by the way. Kate doesn't think Ana should go to work because she's already had a long day and working will make her tired! Ana goes to work anyway so we will know she is a martyr.

This is where we find out about her job. Ana works at a hardware store. Ana has learned a little bit about hardware because she works at a hardware store. She has NOT, however, learned enough about hardware to ever be able to use any of it because she totes sucks at it. She's a GIRL, you guys. Girls can't work hammers. She needs her dad to do it for her. Dads are men. They know how to hammer. I want to hammer her into a pancake.


When she gets home she eye-fucks her roommate some more: "She arches a perfect eyebrow at me." Perfect Kate has the audacity to ask her questions about the interview she went on AS A FAVOR TO KATE. And Ana has to answer her because she has no power to decide what she does and doesn't get to talk about. Kate wishes they'd thought to get a photo of him because she hasn't foreshadowed anything in two whole sentences and we need some sort of plot device to put Ana and Christian in the same room again so she can remind us how uncomfortable it makes her.

We get some background on Ana's family. Her mom gets married a lot, it seems - she's on husband number four right now. Ana phones her dad, who isn't her bio dad but is her first step dad and she considers him her real dad. Two things here: I am absolutely stunned that she doesn't give any detail here AT ALL about where her biological dad is. And I am back to moral outrage because she's feeding (ridiculously inaccurate) stereotypes AGAIN: all future subs have daddy issues. IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR HOW THEY GOT THAT WAY. I hate everything.

The next day Ana goes to work, as you do, and while she's sitting there doing work she looks up and HOLY TITTYFUCKING PENGUIN FINS CHRISTIAN GREY IS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. My reaction: Christian Grey is a fucking stalker. RUN ANA RUN. Ana's reaction: Whoa, that is super weird, he must be in town on business! I can't believe he just happened to walk into the store I work in! WHAT ARE THE ODDS? No one is this naive in real life, are they? They can't be. I can't live in a world where people are this oblivious. She marvels at this "coincidence" hardcore y'all, and reminds us once again that he is SO WAY THE SEXIEST. She compares his voice to chocolate fudge caramel. It is a horrible sentence and I write in my notes "I hate you. I hate you SO HARD" I would tell you more about what a horrible sentence it is, but shortly after it there is a paragraph with two sentences that absolutely should not exist:

1. With my heart almost strangling me - because it's in my throat trying to escape from my mouth - I head down one of the aisles to the electrical section.

2. And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. I want to throw this entire paragraph off a cliff.

So here is what Christian Grey comes to the hardware store to buy: cable ties, masking tape, rope. It's a goddamn BDSM shopping list. STOP FORESHADOWING EVERYTHING. STOP IT. STOP. He also gets all dark and angry when some other dude shows up and hugs her because, again, the way it works is every Dom in the whole world gets super mad if anyone else touches the girl they have their eye on. THIS IS HOW IT HAS TO BE.

The chapter ends with the two of them discussing how Kate wants a photo and he tells her he'd be happy to sit for a photoshoot (WHO KNEW?) and so now Ana needs to find a photographer. A few pages before this, we were introduced to her friend Jose who hearts her but she only hearts him like a brother and GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. Jose is a photographer. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING HER WRITING IS SO MYSTERIOUS.

At the start of chapter 3, everything happens exactly the way you've already been told it was going to happen. Also Kate is still perfect. The guy she works with who has liked her forever asks her out again. She turns him down and she flat out fucking tells you it's because he's not just like someone in a fairytale: "Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he's no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination." My note: "You are a total cunt Ana." In the very next line she wonders if Grey IS like a literary hero. In fact she asks herself this. Or rather "...my subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised." I officially want to light myself on fire.

The next day they do the photoshoot and she gets to stare at him and talk about how magical he looks. And then after that - gasp! - he asks her out for coffee on a date! HOLY CURVEBALL, BATMAN, I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING. I wish foreshadowing was a physical object because I want to stab it SO HARD. Oh wait, I skipped a thing (this is why you take notes, kids). In this chapter on page 36, while she's reminding us that Christian is rich and Kate is beautiful, I come across the first instance of  a description of his clothes I have been assured will be repeated until I give up and dig my eyes out with a spoon: "...gray flannel pants that hang from his hips." I will be counting, at *friends*'s request, how many times she says this and how many times she talks about bodywash. Anyway, they are going out for coffee right fucking now. She makes a ridiculously big deal about what it's like to walk down a hallway with him. He takes her hand to cross the street and she writes "No one has ever held my hand" so I write back "Oh fuck you". You are a senior in college and you have never held hands with ANYONE? EVER? I don't believe you. You don't exist. Amish kids get fresher than that. Page 42 he is seriously so hot, you have no idea. And his pants hang from his hips (2). He asks if Jose is her boyfriend to reminds us that Doms are ALWAYS jealous and then tells her what a mystery she is. I want to give him this book to read and tell him "Don't worry, she will tell you EVERYTHING in here." You guys. He is a control freak. Also Kate is beautiful. THIS BOOK COULD BE HALF AS LONG AS THIS WHAT THE FUCK.

They start talking about her family, and I find out what I was wondering earlier - her biological dad died when she was a baby, which explains everything. However, when she asks similar questions he doesn't want to talk about his family. UH OH I WONDER IF HE'S HIDING SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HIS FAMILY AND ALSO IF THAT'S WHAT TURNED HIM INTO A BAD BAD MAN. Five year olds write stories that are less obvious than this one. I hate you.

Chapter 3 ends with him walking her back to her Kate's car after coffee. Despite living in Portland for four fucking years she walks out in front of a bike and he has to pull her out of the street to keep her from accidentally hipsterciding herself. She lands in his arms because I am reading a Harlequin novel and, oh there it is! His bodywash (1) is fucking intoxicating! How goddamn amazing, the man takes showers with soap! He asks if she's ok and creepily caresses her face and she tells the readers that this is the first time, ever, in her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, she has ever wanted to be kissed. Ever. EVER. I'm going to stick scissors in my ear because of this book. My note is angry, incredulous: "Eat ALL of the dicks."

This is as far as I am going to be able to get tonight. I am concerned I might not get a whole lot further at all. I am trying hard to stick with it long enough to get to a sex scene so I can eviscerate it, but the next time her character uses "taciturn" out loud to describe someone or any other phrase that is only there so she can prove that she knows big words I am going to lose my shit. I hate everything right now.

81 comments:

Michelle said...

I know nothing about this book/series, but I'm sincerely hoping you do finishing it b/c judging by what I've seen from your review so far, I will absolutely NOT be reading it myself. And I'm dying to know just WHAT body wash he's using. Neutrogena? Aveeno?! OIL OF FUCKIN OLAY?! THIS WILL KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT.

StereoNinja said...

So you like this book then?

Bectastic said...

If you don't finish this book/review, I'm going to come see you and make you finish it.

simmy said...

FINISH HIM! as in the book, but karate kid style. b/c i don't think i am. i made it through chapter 8 and i'm done.

bbqcornnuts said...

Please finish this. I would much prefer to read this than the book. Also, let us know on crasstalk when you post more.

-bbqcornnuts

Gloria said...

Read the first chapter of it in Barnes and Noble the other day, and I plan to buy it. I write erotic fiction too, and I sincerely hope the genre takes off so mine can sell as well as this.

Anonymous said...

BUGGER, I bought this book last week and haven't opened it yet. No need with this review.:)

Good Golly Miss Dolly said...

You're my hero. As a deviant and avid reader, I was expecting to hate Grey as soon as every sexually unadventurous female acquaintance started raving about it. Thank you from saving me the anger of experiencing it first hand.

eosratatosk said...

clap clap clap clap clap. You are awesome.

gerriparker said...

What she said!!

Thank you so much for giving me ammo for those who say "oh but you haven't read it" and saving me from having to put myself through the torture of reading it myself.

Anonymous said...

So much appreciation for you a) for putting yourself through this and b) for reviewing it with such wonderful and entertaining writing.

Ali said...

Your review just confirms everything I'd heard about this book and why I don't want to read it. I can find poorly-written pornfic aplenty on ffnet, why would I want to pay for it?

junohenry said...

Don't do it. You don't have to do it. You've suffered enough for us.

But thank you for your words. You sent sexy shivers of warm and fuzzy agreement through me.

Juno x

2stopspastBarking said...

Hi, I'm enjoying your blog so much that I'm rationing myself. As a result, you may have already seen this but just in case you haven't:
http://www.jest.com/video/174214/gilbert-gottfried-reads-fifty-shades-of-grey
Keep up the good work!
Christine

Amy said...

haha! I have tears of laughter! Please finish this book!!

LooweezBx said...

Hilarious! I just finished it yesterday :P xx

Mrs Helicopter said...

You are funny as fuck! this is the best review i have ever read! :D

Anonymous said...

You. Are. Fabulous. A friend sent me this link because I had similarly passionate (not remotely as well expressed) feelings about Twilight... and while I hate to ask you to sacrifice your sanity just so the rest of us can enjoy your fabulous reviews.... yeah, I'm going to have to beg you to sacrifice your sanity so the rest of us can read your reviews.

Angel said...

Thank you for saving me from having to confirm my intuition about this book having seen multiple women acquaintances foaming at the mouth over it on facebook!

Unknown said...

I liked the books (all three) I know, you hate me. Your review was THE most hilarious thing I've ever read TOTS! I hope you finish

Esinem said...

Please, please don't dig you eyes out yet, we need your review! It is set to be an all time classic :-D

Anonymous said...

This is amazing. I've been engaged with an oral recitation of the book with some friends, but your blog is much better! Thank you, and I hope you retain your sanity.

Anonymous said...

I adore this review with all my heart.

DaRob said...

Oh my fucking Christ, I quite literally L'd-OL multiple times reading this post. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

I'm going to have to pace myself reading subsequent entries.

Well done, madam. Well done.

Marieke said...

I think super angry people should be asked to review these books in this manner to release some steam so they don't hit buses full of nuns or something. Was this theraputic for you to write? I was definitely theraputic for me to read.

Quvonda said...

OMG I sooo love this...high on endorphins from all the laughing! Now I think I need a good spanking...o.O

Rachel said...

I hate it too. I have stopped reading it because it's making me cry. I wouldn't mind so much if the characters were in any way consistent in their own behaviour. I'm pleased to see another like minded individual. Or many looking at these comments!!

Anonymous said...

I think you just need a good Gray fucking.

amberance said...

Right? I was nervous last week when this started getting popular because I was expecting all the 50 Shaders to come out of the woodwork and be nasty, but so far I've only gotten one comment that was remotely negative and that person was just upset that I was picking apart the style since it is otherwise so super sexy n shit. She didn't even call me any names. It's so nice finding out I wasn't the only one.

amberance said...

Eh, no thanks. I have a wonderful Dom right now who is easily the best sex I've ever had, and the best part is that he doesn't even stalk me or treat me like shit!

misshaitch said...

I hated it too :) I'm glad not everyone has jumped on this awful bandwagon.

vegemitevix said...

Cannot wait until you get to the 'Christian popsicle' bit. Cannot. Wait. Vix x

Anonymous said...

a bit of escapism never hurt anyone... lighten up kids.. its only a book... for the record your own first paragraph isn't that awesome yet I continued to read...

kendrafortune said...

I wish I'd read your blog before I read the book. I just passed the time between repetitive paragraphs by counting the number of times Ana said "holy shit" "holy fuck" "holy cow" "holy hell" and "holy crap" Should turn it into a drinking game or something but I worry it might lead to alcohol poisoning.

Jayne said...

Please finish the book, I beg of you. I don't want to read it myself, but I'm enjoying your dissection of this utter shit SO fucking much. Way more than I'd ever enjoy the actual book, I'm guessing.

Anonymous said...

I've read the book. I only finished it due to the fact I hate not finishing books. It only gets worse... She clearly has no concept of the BDSM scene, or sex, or life.

Anonymous said...

I bought all 3 books (they were on offer!) thinking they were going to be good. If only I had read the first page because the style of writing is DIRE!! The way in which it is written in first person is horrific. Everything about these books is shit. Wasted time reading the first one, not reading the rest. No way. At least I didn't waste my money. Oh no wait i did. I want my £3 back.

njw3000 said...

good fun. And now I don't have to read this crappy book. Thanks very much.

o0MissA0o said...

Oh oh!! I have a counting request too!!! Can you please *please* count how many times she writes the word 'hitches' (when referring to breath). It starts somewhere nearer to the actual sex when she is making sure we are VERY CLEAR that there is 'tension' between these characters, but both are also very nervous (yeah, like some billionaire playboy is going to have hitchy breath from touching some girl-with-deformed-eyes' hand...) Please will someone give this lady a thesaurus. Or hit her with one.
PS: I love your writing. You do not need to be hit with a thesaurus.

Anonymous said...

Haha

Louise Pepper said...

Quietly impressed you found a plot to the book - I was really struggling to find a purpose in the reading of it. I once made the mistake of reading a Mills & Boon story but now I see that it wasn't that bad after all. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words!!

Kerridwen said...

Keep writing to keep us laughing!! ;D

Nina Laden said...

I will never read this book. But I will keep reading your review. Keep going. LIKE TOTE...

Bunny said...

I fucking love you. And after months of screaming at people that NO, I AM NOT READING THOSE FUCKING BOOKS BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT TWILIGHT FAN, I can point them to your blog and say, "Yes, I read them. See?"

Also, "HOLY TITTYFUCKING PENGUIN FINS"? Consider that shit stolen.

Anonymous said...

I am not going to waste my precious time on this book. Instead, I will invest the precious dude on your review. So Keep up the reading and writing ;)

Anonymous said...

Also, 'frisson'

Rosen Trevithick said...

Thanks for this article. I think my next novel will be a satire about the rise of indie erotica so this has been very helpful.

E.E. Grey said...

Okay, I knew it was bad, but I'd so far avoided reading much of it. (I picked it up in the bookstore, flipped through to a sex scene, made a horrified face and put it back). But reading your review of it, I could just see this sitting on fanfic.net and preteens reading this. It is so freaking awful. Oh my God. I've read some bad fanfic in my day but this has got to be the worst. Well, except My Immortal, but that's in a league of its own.

Ebers said...

This review is incredible. I heart it with the heartiest of hearts.

Stormageddon Dark Lord of All said...

Oh my god, this review is better than the actual book.

tinroofpress said...

It is your duty to finish the book!
I still don't think I'm going to read it, I mean its just a Mills and Boons but I enjoy reading the hate reviews.

Anonymous said...

I got the book out of my library and am trudging through it like a snail. So happy I didn't go out and buy it. Granted, I haven't read many things with BDSM, but I have read erotica, and I don't see how this is any racier than other erotic fiction. But the thing I can't get over is how this book is a publication of Twilight fan fic, and all she changed are the frickin' names (the original fan fic story still exists! Google "Snowqueens Icedragon" and you'll find it)

Anonymous said...

I've been reading along with a comfortable smile, and then I got to this:

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING HER WRITING IS SO MYSTERIOUS.

And that did me in. I has me some tears after the tea I was drinking went up my nose...

hafsakhawaja said...

I haven't read the book and neither do I intend to, but from what I know of it; can I please just say that your review MADE MY DAY?!

Jocelyn R said...

Oh please finish all 3 books. I want you to enjoy the number of times the word "mercurial" is used. The woman needs a thesaurus...

Dave King said...

I. Love. This. I've just started a similar blog, looking at the book from a guys point of view. I hate it as well. Only read your first post so far...don't want any spoilers!

My blog is here if you want to check it out - www.fiftyshadesofdave.blogspot.co.uk

Angela said...

I am so sad that I just now discovered this blog ... and so excited to read the thrashing the remaining books will receive. You are awesome.

falconfire1379 said...

So, I should definitely have gone to bed an hour ago, but I feel like I owe it to you to finish reading the rest of your posts on this book, since you put yourself through reading it for us.

In other news, the phrase "holy tittyfucking penguin fins" is probably one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Anonymous said...

Thank god someone finally put into words what some of us have been thinking. I love your review and applaud you! One thing the author got right though how to hire good pr for a crap product.

Anonymous said...

This book made me wish I was dead. I'm pretty sure I could slam my face on the keyboard and write better. I'm an Eng Lit major JUST LIKE ANA, and I feel like it's the author's idea of a cruel joke to make this ridiculous, mousy, so fucking 'awkward omg how embarrassing', one-dimensional character an alleged lover of literature.

deb said...

Lots of acquaintances were raving about this book, so I looked up a free extract online.

Glad I didn't go and buy it, because it was soooooo tedious. The writing made me want to bang my head off a wall - I've seen better stuff written in middle school creative writing classes.

I mean, when you can lightly skim read, jumping ten pages at a time, and still keep up with the 'plot', that's not a good thing!

Leanne said...

I read this book a month ago, because I like to keep in touch with the bestseller lists, and it intrigued me.

What complete garbage. Thanks such an entertaining review - so much more readable than the book itself! Please try to get to the end. I'm emjoying it so much, and look forward to reading as you tear apart what were probably the most pitiful excuses for sex scenes I've ever encountered.

Midnight Ariel said...

Oh, Jeez, I had to catch my breath of write this b/c I was laughing so hard! Think I'll be learning a lot of "how NOT to write."

Bean said...

He takes her hand to cross the street and she writes "No one has ever held my hand" so I write back "Oh fuck you". You are a senior in college and you have never held hands with ANYONE? EVER? I don't believe you. You don't exist. Amish kids get fresher than that.

I think most of this review is hilarious, and I was having a ball until I got to this line. Now I'm worried the rest of your reviews will be peppered with stupid shit like this.

If you had criticized Ana's virginity (have to assume she's a virgin if she's never held hands in a non-platonic way, and never desired to be kissed, unless there's a dark alternative going on that hasn't been mentioned) from the perspective that it's only included to make Ana seem "innocent" or more endearing, or because it's practically compulsory in this type of romance, I would have agreed with you.

But you seem to be criticizing Ana's lack of experience as freakish in and of itself. Which is really obnoxious, for future reference. Could you maybe not do that in the future?

amberance said...

No, I can't. I wrote it that way because it doesn't make sense for this character. She is very clearly written to have had the most average, standard life it is at all possible to have thus far. The author did this deliberately so that any woman could easily put herself in Ana's place and read the story as though this were a romance happening to her. If that's the character James wants her to be, then the MOST COMMON experience for the average American 21 year old girl is to have already had a hand holding experience. She wasn't raised in any sort of conservative environment. She wasn't a kid on the fringe in high school that was bullied and isolated for being different. She isn't a girl who has issues with affection or who self-identifies as an asexual. And she's not even saying this about a sexual experience, she said NO ONE has ever held her hand EVER. Her dad never took her hand while helping her to cross the street? She never played Red Rover at recess in second grade? Bullshit.

Kate said...

Finally, a re-cap blog about The Demon Spawn of Twilight, I was hoping to find one eventually as a substitute for having to read the books as I've already done that for Twilight itself.
I don't really want to read about BDSM (no offence but YKINMK) but as Fifty Shades is widely considered terrible, I thought it might be possible to read it for the LOLZ. However that would involve somehow acquiring a copy and I didn't want to do that. This looks like a more than adequate substitute, I'm laughing already.

Anonymous said...

You are braver than me; I only reached the third chapter before I threw the book against a wall and yelled 'IT'S TWILIGHT ALL OVER AGAIN! GOD SAVE AMERICA FROM THIS TERROR OF LITERARY DRIVEL!!!' Anyway, I'm quite enjoying your read-along, so please continue, and go on where I was unable to.

Katrina Lumsden said...

You, dear woman, are my hero.

Thank you. Just thank you.

*Off to read more*

RogueFiccer said...

Yes, it is possible for someone to be as oblivious as Ana is in this chapter. I was like that at 19, and only slightly less so at 21. I'd had a total of two boyfriends by 19, both in high school and both lasted less than six months, and the count was the same two years later. If I'd been in Ana's place and Grey showed up where I worked, I'd wonder why he didn't just go to a hardware store near where he lived, but I'd figure he'd come to town on business and realized he needed something and wanted to grab it before he forgot again.

That's where Ana and my younger self cease having anything in common (other than being meek and submissive, but my reasons were different--and a heck of a lot more believable--than hers). A guy talked to/at me like he talked to/at her? I'd be Freaked The Hell Out and if someone offered to walk me home that night, I'd probably have taken them up on it. I'd also be seriously repelled and turned off, because...ewww, damn, that's just creepy and skeevy!

Anonymous said...

You are doing gods work. I haven't stifled my laughter so hard while laying in bed with my girlfriend in a long time. Also, she read the book and hated it too.

Anonymous said...

This is Brilliant!!! Please finish it!! !!!!!!Exclamation mark!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm just here to say you win for coining "hipsterciding."

Anonymous said...

Agreed. This is the most hilarious thing I've ever read.

ChildOfEos said...

Ditto. When my LDS Mother (who was indeed a virgin on her wedding night and has only ever had sex with one person) told me that she was enjoying this series more than Twilight, I knew it would make me want to cleanse the world of it with fire. I have been a Sswitch for 15 years now, and while I find myself giggling maniacally at your commentary, I'm certain that this book is not safe for me to read (lest my head explode).

Anonymous said...

I agree that Ms James is not the most talented of writers. If you can look past the discrepancies in the story and look at the ACTUAL plot behind it all, it's really not that bad. There are no sparkly vampires in it whatsoever which makes it 10x better that Twilight in my eyes and it was less painful to read. Of course Christian Grey is an Adonis. Anyone who has read a romance novel or erotica before must realize that ALL male protagonists are the embodiment of Adonis. They all have to be perfect in all bodily aspects. That's what the writers think women want...The perfect man. This one is slightly different though as he is only outwardly perfect. Inside, he's "damaged goods" to coin a phrase from one of the books for lack of a better term as it's late and I'm tired. Maybe that's why I'm defending the books the way I am and maybe not. Your review was fun to read, but give the author at least some credit. She's been published and they want to do a movie deal. I shudder to think about that though as I don't think I could stand another thing for Twilight fanatics to go gaga over.

Eesha said...

This is just so funny please finish the review. I read about a hundred pages of the book and I just couldn't go on! The book really is a piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

I suffered through all 3 books in the 50 shades of shite trilogy becasue I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. You have put into words what I was screaming at the end of each page! Thankfully you have worded it much better than my "fuck away of you bunch of bastards!"

I wish I'd found this sooner. Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

:) Thank you for managing to sum up all my hatred for this book far more eloquently than my screamed rage at anyone who would listen. It's always nice to hear people who know some shit about BDSM tearing it to shreds.

Meredith said...

i dont know you but i love you...hahahaa! i feel the same way about this book and ANYONE talking about it. all it makes me think is that the people who love it have to have the MOST boring sex lives ever and this is what they masturbate to.

i came across a coffee mug that has "50 shades of I don't give a SHIT" written on it and i need it. if i recall correctly, one of my facebook statuses said "50 shades of SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

Anonymous said...

Where did you find that mug?

Anthony said...

Thank you for doing this (I know this is from more than a year ago, but I'm kinda slow on these hypes). I really think I'm gonna enjoy your review more than the book itself, you've made my day!