50 Frowns of Disappointment

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

All the dick sucking going on in this book is making wonder which one of you I have to blow to be allowed to stop reading this shit. Let's just get right into it today before I give up and try to break this keyboard over my head.

At the beginning of Chapter 18, Ana and Christian wake up in her bed. She is happy and he is late for a meeting. I'm sure loads of self-made men who single-handedly create and run multi-billion dollar enterprises are too stupid to think to set an alarm when they know they have a meeting first thing in the morning. Then again, he's stupid enough to chase this vapid, self-absorbed, overly emotional dipshit, so what do I know.

After he leaves, she sends him an e-mail to explain her reaction to the unwanted spanking from the night before. In it she writes, "...which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me." - none of which are euphemisms. That's what actually happened. Saying "impressive length" when you mean penis is a euphemism. College graduate, you guys. Anyway, she's confused because she didn't want it to happen but she was turned on by it, and she feels guilty because it was degrading but she felt turned on by it. Another e-mail exchange ensues (and I'm not sure why he was worried about being late to a meeting if he was just going to spend the whole time on his phone writing her two page e-mails every 10 minutes) which really doesn't make sense. He tells her not to feel guilty because they are two consenting adults, despite her not having consented to that AT ALL and my questions about her status as an adult. She threatens to run away to Alaska. He writes back with a message entitled "You Didn't Call the Cops" because apparently assaults that don't get reported to the police don't actually count, and also threatens her that it would be pointless to run away to Alaska because "I would find you. I can track your cell phone - remember?" to which she responds "Have you sought therapy for your stalker tendencies?" because HA HA HA it's so amusing and adorable to be stalked.

She drives to her last day of work thinking, "The problem is, I just want Christian, not all his...baggage" thus proving my point that she is as far from being an adult woman as one can imagine. TOO BAD. PEOPLE COME WITH BAGGAGE. YOURS IS STAGGERING STUPIDITY. When she gets there, she finds that Christian has bought and had couriered to her a new BlackBerry, because "I need to be able to contact you at all times" and because he's not following RIM in the news. When she gets home she has to explain to Kate about the new Audi, Kate apparently having walked right past it without noticing when she came home the night before, and then they get back to packing for their move to Seattle the next day. In the meantime, Jose shows up with beer, followed by Elliot who grabs and kisses Kate so hard that Ana thinks "I'm appalled at their lack of modesty." leading me to write a note saying "Get over it, it's not like she's sucking his dick in the hallway." Jose and Ana head down to the bar for a while since kissing is SUPER GROSS, and when she gets back she finds she has an e-mail from Christian wondering where she is, as she'd told him she would e-mail him hours ago when she got home from work. She also has FIVE missed calls from him and a voice message. While she absolutely should have e-mailed him when she said she would because it's common fucking courtesy, his reaction is completely over the top. I note: "He is right and also a dick." She phones him and they play you-hang-up-no-you-hang-up like fucking 13-year-olds until I want to push them both out a 12 story window.

The next day, Kate and Ana move to their new place in Seattle. Elliot is installing the TV, which Kate thinks is SUPER SEXY and according to Ana she "almost literally dissolves into the couch." NO SHE FUCKING DOESN'T. How would she "almost" literally do that, by not quite spilling lye all over herself? Oh by the way, Elliot is planning to move in with them as soon as Kate gets back from a vacation with her family. He and Kate have known each other approximately three weeks. A knock at the door turns out to be a delivery man carrying a bottle of chilled champagne from Christian with a helicopter shaped balloon attached, the classiness of the champagne being somewhat diminished by the "DON'T FORGET I'M SUPER RICH AND I HAVE MY OWN HELICOPTER" balloon. Kate asks if Ana gave him their new address and Ana says she didn't but that "stalking is one of his specialties." WHY DOESN'T THIS BOTHER ANYONE?

On Sunday, Ana heads over to Christian's place. He has fucking creepily arranged for a gynecologist (the best one in all of Seattle, natch) to come over to his home on a Sunday afternoon to give Ana an exam so she can get birth control. When the doctor arrives in Chapter 18, Christian asks Ana (I sincerely wish I was kidding about this), "Ready for some contraception?" HOLY GOD WHY? She gets a prescription for the pill after a lecture about taking it at the same time every day, a lecture that will be repeated later by Christian, which startles her because why would he know how birth control works that is amazing and also annoys her because, jeez, she's not an idiot. Except that she IS an idiot, and forgetting to take it at the SAME TIME every day is a relatively easy thing to do. He force feeds her some salad, and then they go off to screw in the sex room. There's little to note here, except for some wrist cuffs that are attached to a grid in the ceiling and can be moved around the room without having to unshackle anyone, which is actually a pretty good idea. Also he smells like body wash (5).

After the poorly written and shit-ass boring sex scene, they are laying in heap on the floor when she notices for the first time that there are little round scars all over his chest. WHAT COULD THEY BE YOU GUYS? Ana is intrigued: "Chicken pox? Measles?" I BET YOU'RE WRONG, ANA. I BET IT'S SOMETHING WAY THE FUCK MORE HORRIFYING THAN THAT. I can't even make this bet with you in good conscience. You are so stupid it wouldn't be fair to take your money. Following this discovery, there is another terrible sex scene, which she struggles through because after the first time she is so, so exhausted, you guys. This time he's tied her hands with - GASP!- the cable ties he bought from her at the hardware store! "It all becomes clear," she thinks. Idiot. Afterwards, he cuts the cable tie off of her with scissors and says: "I now declare this Ana open." I am BEGGING you guys, someone PLEASE kill me.

Ana goes to take a nap, because Christian has nearly fucked her to death. He wakes her up at the beginning of Chapter 19 so she can get ready for the evening - they are having dinner at his parents house. She is starting to get dressed when she realizes he hasn't given her back her panties from when he stuffed them in his pocket earlier: "I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear." BEWILDERED. Jesus. She seems to think this is some kind of game and is enormously self-congratulatory about her plan not to ask for them back. The absence of her panties is a theme throughout this entire chapter and it is RIDICULOUS. She heads downstairs where she finds Christian with his pants hanging from his hips (7), and they dance around to Frank Sinatra for no other reason than so he can tell her his former Mistress taught him to dance and she can be irrationally jealous about it. Panties, panties, panties...she doesn't have them. The author plays up this theme as though this is the first time anyone has ever thought of leaving the house with no underwear on. I am DYING to meet the women who are finding this chapter titillating so I can scandalize them with a story about this one time when I picked someone up from the airport in a tiny black raincoat and NOTHING underneath it, and my subsequent untoward behavior in the parking lot - I'm hoping it will be enough to kill most of them.

At Christian's parents house, which is obviously a mansion, Ana is hugged by his mother and is introduced to his father, Carrick (really?). Kate and Elliot are also there, along with Mia, Christian and Elliot's sister, who also hugs her. I belatedly realize that his mother not touching him earlier in the book wasn't because she's not affectionate, it's because NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH CHRISTIAN EVER because SOMETHING REALLY FUCKED UP HAPPENED TO HIM BEFORE HE WAS ADOPTED. Everyone gets some drinks and sits down for pre-dinner chit chat, as you do, which is when Ana first mentions she might go to Georgia and visit her mother. Christian sit there in silent rage because she had the audacity to make plans to GO SEE HER MOTHER without checking with him. As they all head to the dining room he grabs her arm and whispers threateningly (her description): "This conversation is not over."

It only gets worse over dinner. He continues to be mad at her for having parents, and then Kate steps in to compound things even further. "How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?" she asks Ana because she's a complete and utter cunt. Ana theorizes that Kate keeps pulling shit like this because she's trying to make Christian jealous. He needs absolutely no help in this department, and also she fucking hates the guy and was just telling Ana to kick his ass to the curb two days ago, so this theory makes no fucking sense. MY theory is that Kate KNOWS he is an explosive rage monster, secretly hates Ana, and is deliberately trying to get her killed. In the meantime, two other things happen. The first is that a serving girl with pretty blond pigtails keeps coming in and out of the room and  flushing and making sexy eyes at Christian. Maybe she has a crush on him, but I think it's more likely she'll turn out to be one of the fifteen and probably the one who immediately preceded Ana. Ana fixates on this girl for the entire dinner, despite Christian almost entirely ignoring her. The second thing that happens is that Christian's mother (the doctor) gets up to take a phone call. This is one of the most contrived parts of the book yet. It is only in there so that the author can continue foreshadowing things that the readers already figured out 300 PAGES AGO. It seems there's a measles outbreak going on because people think that Jenny McCarthy knows more about health care than pediatricians. "I'm so glad our children never went through that," she says. (loud stage whisper: The scars on Christian's chest AREN'T from the measles!) "They never caught anything worse than chicken pox, thank goodness....Christian and Mia were lucky. They got it so mildly, only a spot to share between them." (loud stage whisper: They aren't from chicken pox either!) IT'S SUCH A GIANT MYSTERY, WHAT COULD THEY BE? PLEASE, E.L. JAMES, I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. Christian, meanwhile, keeps trying to stick his hand up Ana's skirt under the table, but she's keeping her knees together so he can't. I think she needs to lighten up. James thinks she needs to manufacture more reasons for Christian to be angry at her.

After dinner, Christian announces he's taking Ana on a tour of the yard. He is, of course, doing no such thing. He is really taking her to the boathouse to spank her and fuck her, something he dramatically announces to close the chapter. Oh, also, he picks her up and carries her over his shoulder because her heels keep getting stuck in the grass he's such a burly, Harlequin novel, manly-man with extra romance and a side of testosterone. Chapter 20 begins with him storming into the boathouse and several ridiculous descriptions of what particular type of light bulb is used in each room. I've determined that James tied up her editor and threw her down a well and then forged the signature on the notes for the book which read "No changes necessary! This book is totes perfect!" followed by three little hearts and a smiley face. It's the only explanation for how this book ever happened.

When he puts her down, she begs him not to hit her and for once he listens to her, though he did have the nerve to look surprised. He is still going to fuck her though. He can't help it, you guys - HE'S SO ANGRY. For the record, JUST IN CASE YOU SOMEHOW MISSED ALL THE SIGNS AT THE DINNER TABLE, he explains that he is angry because:

• She didn't clear it with him to go visit her mother.
• She got a drink with someone she's been friends with for years who made a pass at her that one time...
• ...and then left her alone with "an almost complete stranger" (apparently he was supposed to stand there while Christian beat his ass?)
• She closed her legs on him at the table, i.e. she said NO to him.

HOLY SHIT THAT IS SO HOT. That's Ana's reaction. Mine is HOLY SHIT I AM SO BORED.

Afterwards, they head back to the house (he's allowed her to have her panties back and not a moment too soon because I was about the tear mine to pieces in a blind rage if I had to hear about her naked ass one more time). Kate and Elliot are on their way out. Ana tells Kate they need to have a little chat about her continually antagonizing Christian, to which she replies "He needs antagonizing; then you can see what he's really like. Be careful, Ana - he's so controlling." (emphasis mine) Ok, that settles it, Kate is DEFINITELY trying to kill her.

On the way home, she tells him she wants to go to Georgia because she needs to think about their relationship:

"Are you having second thoughts?"
"Possibly."
"Why?"

Well, fuck Christian, who knows? Maybe it's because you are a piece of shit who doesn't listen to his partner's needs and in fact acts in direct conflict to them all of the fucking time. Or maybe it's because you are an obsessed jealous stalker who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near vulnerable, idiotic 21 year old girls. Or maybe it's because you are continually dishonest and manipulative.

It's none of those, of course. Do you want to know the real reason? I assure you that you don't. Really? Are you sure? All right, if you say so, but don't say I didn't warn you. The real reason she needs to go away and think for a while is because...SHE THINKS SHE'S IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SHE WISHES HE COULD LOVE HER BACK. And then, AND THEN, she thinks to herself "...he's a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he's dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into the light?" THE PRETTY MAN IS BROKEN AND IT IS UP TO ME TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF! And also HE SMELLS LIKE BODYWASH (6). I give up you guys. There is no point in continuing. My gender is a nightmare. The planet is doomed. I hate everything.

Back at Christian's, he begs her not to go home. Please oh please oh please stay with me tonight, begs the man who doesn't spend the night with anyone, ever. Please please, I totes want some vanilla sex, it is the awesomest. And Ana's all, teehee I'll stay here but only if you make love to me and let me touch your chest. And then Christian gets a sad and is all I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AND YOU ARE SUPER MEAN FOR ASKING ME LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS POUT POUT SULK SULK. She goes and brushes her teeth with his toothbrush, which is fucking weird (James appears to think it's romantic, she written this twice now), and then goes back in the bedroom and starts negotiating - she'll let him spank her if he tells her more about himself. (Incidentally, his pants are hanging from his hips (8).) She is trying to manipulate him, and it's working. In D/s this is called "topping from the bottom" (see specifically #3) and it is heavily frowned upon. She's as bad a sub as he is a Dom. I'm confused now because I don't know if this furthers my argument that this relationship should not be happening or if it means they are perfect for each other since they both completely suck at this. Either way, if Christian were the Dominant the author attempted to portray him as earlier in the book, he would have called her on this immediately. Instead he's like Here, enjoy these ben wa balls while I spank you nicely. She spends four entire pages describing what they are like, without ever naming what they actually are. NOUNS ARE SCARY BECAUSE THEY MAKE EVERYTHING REAL. And then there's the vanilla sex, and then because she's such a great negotiator! there's the bombshell we've all been waiting for...


HIS BIRTH MOTHER WAS A CRACK WHORE AND NOW SHE IS DEAD. OK, NOW GO TO SLEEP.

That is the actual honest to god truth of how he delivered this news: crack mother, died when he was four, nighty-night, don't let the bed bugs bite.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.