Friday, December 15, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I'm an Idiot Torn
MrSteve called yesterday to complain about his early morning. I took the opportunity to make the conversation about me.
"I was at work at 4:30 this morning," he told me. "I can't work at that hour, I'm an idiot in the morning."
"As opposed to me, who is an idiot all day."
"You're not an idiot."
"I am too. I'm stupid about the bartender."
"You're not stupid."
"What part of my weirdness with the bartender leads you to believe I'm not an idiot?"
"That's not an idiot. An idiot is..." There was a long pause while MrSteve tried to define idiot in a way that didn't describe me. He failed. "An idiot is someone who thinks a situation is a certain way when really it's not."
"Exactly. And that doesn't apply to me and the bartender how?"
MrSteve sighed. "You're not an idiot. You're just...torn."
I like this and I plan to apply it to every stupid thing I do now. Spill something all over myself? "I'm not clumsy, I'm just torn." Irrational fear of bugs? "I'm not being irrational, I'm just torn." Lack of blog updating? "I'm not lazy, I'm just torn."
"I was at work at 4:30 this morning," he told me. "I can't work at that hour, I'm an idiot in the morning."
"As opposed to me, who is an idiot all day."
"You're not an idiot."
"I am too. I'm stupid about the bartender."
"You're not stupid."
"What part of my weirdness with the bartender leads you to believe I'm not an idiot?"
"That's not an idiot. An idiot is..." There was a long pause while MrSteve tried to define idiot in a way that didn't describe me. He failed. "An idiot is someone who thinks a situation is a certain way when really it's not."
"Exactly. And that doesn't apply to me and the bartender how?"
MrSteve sighed. "You're not an idiot. You're just...torn."
I like this and I plan to apply it to every stupid thing I do now. Spill something all over myself? "I'm not clumsy, I'm just torn." Irrational fear of bugs? "I'm not being irrational, I'm just torn." Lack of blog updating? "I'm not lazy, I'm just torn."
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
You Have 1 Post in Your Cart
Anyone who knows me knows that I hate shopping. It embodies everything that I hate: large crowds, talking to strangers, having to drive places, making choices in front of other people. I guess it doesn't really involve spiders, but it is clearly an activity coughed up from the 7th circle of hell. So it should come as no surprise that I am fully on board with the "buy things on the internet" wagon.
The best thing about shopping on the internet, besides being able to do it in my pajamas or while watching Gilmore Girls, is the variety. The internet has everything you can buy in a real store, plus a crap load of things that you can't, such as really offensive t-shirts, or subversive cross-stitch patterns, or Festivus poles. This is important because all of my friends are quite weird, and finding something they would like for Christmas in a brick and mortar store is next to impossible. I mean, I know plenty of people who could really use a marshmallow shooter, but I'm not going to find it at my local Toys-R-Us.
The sheer volume of my internet shopping this year has led me to realize another benefit: home delivery. Almost every day that I come home now, I find a package on my doorstep. It's like getting presents every day! It doesn't even matter that none* of it is actually for me, I still get the joy of opening the boxes to discover what's inside. Also the satisfying feeling of receiving mail that is not a bill. And occasionally, joy of all joys, some free bubble wrap to play with. Today I'm expecting some Hawaiian Blend peppercorns for the bartender's stocking. It comes in a glass jar. The bubble wrap outlook for today is good.
*most
The best thing about shopping on the internet, besides being able to do it in my pajamas or while watching Gilmore Girls, is the variety. The internet has everything you can buy in a real store, plus a crap load of things that you can't, such as really offensive t-shirts, or subversive cross-stitch patterns, or Festivus poles. This is important because all of my friends are quite weird, and finding something they would like for Christmas in a brick and mortar store is next to impossible. I mean, I know plenty of people who could really use a marshmallow shooter, but I'm not going to find it at my local Toys-R-Us.
The sheer volume of my internet shopping this year has led me to realize another benefit: home delivery. Almost every day that I come home now, I find a package on my doorstep. It's like getting presents every day! It doesn't even matter that none* of it is actually for me, I still get the joy of opening the boxes to discover what's inside. Also the satisfying feeling of receiving mail that is not a bill. And occasionally, joy of all joys, some free bubble wrap to play with. Today I'm expecting some Hawaiian Blend peppercorns for the bartender's stocking. It comes in a glass jar. The bubble wrap outlook for today is good.
*most
I am Moving Somewhere South and/or West of Here
It was 32 degrees this morning, and it felt like a freakin' heat wave. I'm hoping it warms up further and melts the ice on my stairs so I can stop almost killing myself every time I leave or come home.
The owner is in Las Vegas and had the audacity to call me last night and complain about the weather. "It's cold here!" he said.
"No, it is not. It's cold here."
"No, I mean it's cold for Vegas. It got down to 40 degrees last night."
"It's a desert, ass, of course it's cold at night. There's hardly any moisture in the air, so they can't hold their heat overnight."
"Whatever. But I'm telling you it's cold here."
"And I'm telling you that during the day today, it was like 20 degrees."
"Oh, it was 65 during the day here."
"I hate you."
The owner is in Las Vegas and had the audacity to call me last night and complain about the weather. "It's cold here!" he said.
"No, it is not. It's cold here."
"No, I mean it's cold for Vegas. It got down to 40 degrees last night."
"It's a desert, ass, of course it's cold at night. There's hardly any moisture in the air, so they can't hold their heat overnight."
"Whatever. But I'm telling you it's cold here."
"And I'm telling you that during the day today, it was like 20 degrees."
"Oh, it was 65 during the day here."
"I hate you."
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
This Next Post is a Cover
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes played Sunday night at the Metro, and they are really funny:
"We are Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, the best cover band EVER."
"This next song is a cover."
"We chose country music for our latest album because country is the music of tolerance."
"This next song is a cover."
"We started this band because we hate music."
"Before the show I was sitting in the trailer drinking tequila by myself and listening to the new My Chemical Romance album. No, I'm serious!"
"This next song's a cover."
I also met and shook hands with Chicken from Dead to Me, who I have a major crush on, but did not say anything to him AT ALL because that is what I do.
"We are Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, the best cover band EVER."
"This next song is a cover."
"We chose country music for our latest album because country is the music of tolerance."
"This next song is a cover."
"We started this band because we hate music."
"Before the show I was sitting in the trailer drinking tequila by myself and listening to the new My Chemical Romance album. No, I'm serious!"
"This next song's a cover."
I also met and shook hands with Chicken from Dead to Me, who I have a major crush on, but did not say anything to him AT ALL because that is what I do.
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