Ways My Life Will Change With No Mortgage to Pay

• I will be able to afford to buy groceries with a startling degree of regularity, and without borrowing money from Fish. These groceries will also feature things like meat, as opposed to Ramen noodles. (I might still get the Ramen noodles though, cuz I kind of like them.) Likewise, peanut butter will become an accessory rather than an entire meal.
• I will no longer wonder things like "Will they really throw me out if I don't pay the rent this month?" and "Do I really need a phone?" and "Will Kristen die of hypothermia if I set the heat at 60?"
• I will no longer have the option of threatening to move back to Cleveland every time someone in Chicago says something I deem not very nice. (Fish and the bartender's lives will also change by not having to listen to these threats.)
• I can actually order alcohol at dinner instead of "just a water". I fucking hate water.
• CABLE MOTHER FUCKIN TV BITCHES!
• I will visit the dentist every 6 months, just like I used to. (Shadup, I like going to the dentist.)
• I will see all the things in Chicago that I should have gone to check out last year, such as the Field Museum and Shedd Aquarium. I will eat in restaurants and not have to look like a fool anymore when I'm the only person in the room who hasn't eaten somewhere. I will also visit bars that are not called Tai's Til 4. (Maybe.)
• No more giving hand jobs for crack!
• I will pay someone else to do my laundry, instead of spending hours at Bubbleland folding my own t-shirts. As soon as the bartender shows me the proper procedure for this, because heaven knows I'm not going to actually speak to a human I'm unfamiliar with unless someone is there to hold my hand the first time. Money can only solve so many problems.
• I will visit Kelly in Los Angeles, Heather and Amy in D.C., and Ashley in Arizona. Eventually. I swear.
• I will join a gym. Who am I kidding, really? I will be able to afford to join a gym, I won't actually do it.
• I will blog more. Because I will have more adventures. Because I will actually leave the house once in a while. Because I can afford to.
• Hookers. Lots and lots of hookers. Maybe midget hookers. Maybe I'll even get you a hooker.