Thursday, May 18, 2006

Walked Right Into This One

I posted a personal ad on Craigslist this week. I knew, of course, that the freaks would come out the woodwork, but I wasn't exactly prepared for the degree:

"I'm married/have a girlfriend, but it's alright because she's cool with it/doesn't know/wants to join us". I'm sorry, no. Not even so much because you have a wife, but because you can't read. That part where I specifically asked you not to be in a relationship? I believe I even went so far as to say "Separated means you are in a relationship". Kindly get the hell out of my face.

"Hey baby, your sexy! r u available right now? lets get down lol" There are so many reasons why you get no date I don't even know where to begin. First of all, my sexy what? The sexy, that I seem to be in possession of, seems to have done something worthy of an exclamation point, but what? Please clarify. "r" I available right now? No. No I'm not. You know that I don't actually know you right? The odds that I'm going to show up at your house and do you right now? Not nearly as good of your odds of being a psycho with feet in the freezer. Even if you're not, if you're too lazy to actually write out the words "you" and "are", I'm going to guess you're too lazy to be worth my time or effort. I mean, I know they're monumentally long words and everything, but still.

"Hey, I'm 19! Always wanted to try going out with an older woman!" Hey, I'm 28! Fuck you!

"you better not be a bot/some gay guy." You are in no position to be making demands at this time. Move along.

No text at all, just a photograph of a penis. This, really, was insane. I must have gotten over a hundred of these. I don't understand the compulsion to do this, for one thing. Never in my life have I had the urge to photograph my vag and e-mail it to strangers. It's the anonymity of it that causes it I think. I mean, I'm guessing here based on the fact that I have yet to have a guy walk up to me in a bar and whip his dick out by way of introduction. Maybe I'm just going to the wrong bars. Hard to say. Speaking of hard, you'd think that's the image these gentlemen would like to project, but not all of them apparently. Sending pictures of your limp wee in the shower might not be the best idea kids. Likewise, photographs of it in some girl's mouth. The photograph of it in some guy's ass and the second guy's up some girl, captioned "This would be hot!" definitely did stand out though. Good job on that! Unfortunately, it was not in a good way and I had an uncontrollable urge to hit delete. And then gouge my eyes out with a spoon. A little warning next time, buddy, so I know not to open it? Thanks. 'Pershiate it.


Amy said...

You may have to give in and join meharmony. They measure the penises for you, I hear.

kelly said...

dude, what WERE you thinking?! craigslist should be the LAST place you look. you might as well put your "i am here for" serious relationships flag on in myspace... at least that way you can see "real" information before hitting deny.

simmy said...

yeah, i'd suggest match before craig.

amberance said...

You two married people have all the answers, don't you? :-)

Captain Word Sleuth said...

Sorry about the penis picture. I thought you would like them. Congrats on selling your house.