Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Sheep Counting Alternatives

Things to try when you find yourself wide awake for no apparent reason at 2:00 a.m.

1. Call your cat. Over and over and over until she gets sick of listening to you and climbs in your bed.

2. Pet the cat. Then grab the brush and try brushing her.

3. After the cat runs away, drink a glass of warm milk.

4. Send a text message to your bartender. Wait 30 minutes for him to either call or text you back. Give up.

5. Lay in your bed, stare at the ceiling and think "I have to fall asleep. I really really need to fall asleep right now."

6. Masturbate. Um, for a while.

7. Lay there for 10 minutes wondering why you're not asleep after all that masturbation. Make a mental note to put batteries on your grocery list.

8. Sing. Out loud. To yourself. Christmas carols.

9. Ponder what your friends would say if they knew you were singing Christmas carols to yourself in the middle of the night in July. Make a note to post it on your blog so you can find out.

10. Masturbate. Er, again.

By following these simple steps you should finally fall asleep around 5:00 a.m.






The phone call you gave up on getting from the bartender will come at 5:30 a.m.

8 comments:

sarcastrix said...

Very interesting. I... er... all righty then.

Hot Heather said...

i like the part about masturbating... i used to do that to fall asleep before i had someone in my bed every night

TheJesusFish said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TheJesusFish said...

My last comment, apparently, was unfunny.

Instead I will offer my deepest sympathies.

At least you have a cat to sleep with. I'm forced to sleep with a beanie baby for company.

david said...

Don't you hate that. I mean really hate that. Masturbation is supposed to be the %100 sure fire way to fall asleep.

If there is too much caffiene in your system or too much bullshit in your head. Or whatever. All you have to do is take care of a little business and wa-la sleeping like a baby. Except for those times where is doesn't work and 10 minutes later you are laying there still staring a the ceiling.

With nothing but dirty sheets to show for it.

I hate that. I mean really hate that.

david said...

Don't you hate that. I mean really hate that. Masturbation is supposed to be the %100 sure fire way to fall asleep.

If there is too much caffiene in your system or too much bullshit in your head. Or whatever. All you have to do is take care of a little business and wa-la sleeping like a baby. Except for those times where is doesn't work and 10 minutes later you are laying there still staring a the ceiling.

With nothing but dirty sheets to show for it.

I hate that. I mean really hate that.

Hot Heather said...

i'm so very interested in what fish said before... so very interested

Hot Heather said...

still wondering what feesh said... very very very very curious... just tell me already!!!