50 Tears of Woe

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

So tedious. So irritating. Must finish book soon so I can read something that actually deserved to be published.

After doing some internet reading about the word "submissive", Chapter 12 begins with Ana going for a run for the first time ever in her life. She wants to run to Christian's hotel and demand sex, but it's five miles away and she doesn't think she will even be able to run one mile. From personal experience, I know it's unlikely she'll be able to run 100 yards. She also should have realized from her reading that she doesn't actually want to be a submissive, because if she did she wouldn't be considering "demanding" anything. She uses the time spent running pretending to think about what she wants. What she's really using it for is to piss me off: "I am plagued by one question - why is he like this? Is it because he was seduced at such a young age? I just don't know." There's nothing TO know. He doesn't have to have a reason. It's not a disease. It's not a sign of or the result of abuse. Some people just like their sex this way. I can't say this better than the great Dan Savage did on Twitter: "To Fifty Shaders: BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off + orgasms. People do it for fun. It's not a cry for help."

During the course of her run, she makes the decision that she needs to talk to him about this further and let him know what is ok and what isn't. This should have been a given, but whatever, at least she's learned to read shit before she signs it. She goes home to tell him she wants to talk about it. Her way of expressing this is to send him an e-mail which reads, "Okay, I've seen enough. It was nice knowing you. Ana". She then laughs and hugs herself (what?) because she thinks this is such a great little joke. Oh yeah, that's fucking HILARIOUS, Ana. For once I'm glad the author feels the need to explain everything, because I am at a complete loss as to what might be funny about that to anyone, let alone to Christian Grey, and I genuinely wouldn't have known that was a joke if it hadn't been pointed out to me. She then proceeds to sit in front of her computer and wait for him to answer. After 10 minutes without a reply she's already having an anxiety attack, apparently believing that a man who is supposed to be single-handedly running a multi-billion dollar media company has nothing to fucking do all day but stare at a screen waiting for her to e-mail him and then immediately respond to it. After half an hour she gives up and decides to start making notes about the contract.

As luck would have it, Ana is right: he DOESN'T have anything better to do than to sit there waiting for her e-mail. The reason it took so long to respond was not because he had actual shit to do, it's because her e-mail (somewhat understandably given what a piss poor attempt at a joke it was) has upset him SO MUCH that instead of e-mailing her back, he drives over to her house to respond in person. She realizes this when she looks up and finds him standing in the doorway of her room with his pants hanging from his hips (6). She thinks "The joke is on me. Never in this or any alternative universe did I expect him to drop everything and turn up here." REALLY ANA? THIS NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU? THIS IS EXACTLY HOW STALKING WORKS, THEY TURN UP TO WHEREVER THEY KNOW YOU ARE. YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW. Also, mostly unrelated, but this section marks the third time she's mentioned her medulla oblongata. As in "Finally, my medulla oblongata recalls its purpose. I breathe." You are a FUCKING MORON. If your medulla (and this is all you need to say, adding the oblongata part to try and sound smart has the exact opposite effect) stopped working you would be DEAD, because it controls all of your autonomic functions. IT DOESN'T JUST DECIDE TO STOP WORKING EVERY TIME A PRETTY BOY WALKS IN THE FUCKING ROOM. IF IT WORKED THAT WAY THE SPECIES WOULD HAVE DIED OUT FOREVER AGO. Actually I take it back, I hope this is exactly how yours works, because it would be fucking tragic for you to procreate.

Ana is shocked, SHOCKED, that her curt and dismissive "funny" e-mail has offended him. They have another cringe worthy conversation in which this happens:

"And you decided it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?"
Oh, shit. I flush.
"I didn't think you were familiar with the Bible."
"I went to Sunday school, Anastasia. It taught me a great deal."
"I don't remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible. Perhaps you were taught from a modern translation."

Dear readers, I shit you not, that is a DIRECT QUOTE from this fetid turd of a book. My brain exploded with two dozen things I wanted to point out about how stupefyingly fucktarded that entire exchange is, but it would have taken me three and a half pages of single-spaced notes to write it all out, so instead I just wrote "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" and then jammed a butter knife into my left eye to try and kill the pain. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EXCHANGE, he reveals his real purpose in coming over: "Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me." Translated into English, that reads, "Well, since I clearly thought your e-mail was telling me to fuck off, I thought I should come over and rape you until you come to your senses and change your mind." The author further drives this point home by describing his look as "waiting, coiled to strike." Again, Ana and I have different impressions here: I think: SCREAM FOR HELP, ANA! YELL FOR KATE TO CALL THE POLICE AND RUN THE FUCK AWAY. Ana thinks: I can't believe how lucky I am! LOOK HOW MUCH HE WANTS ME! and rushes into his arms. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BITCH AND I HATE EVERY WOMAN ALIVE WHO READ THIS PASSAGE AND DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY THROW THIS BOOK IN A FIRE AND CONSIDER VOLUNTEERING AT A RAPE CRISIS CENTER. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. He pins her down against her bed kissing her, and then actually has the gall to ask her to trust him, which of course she does since her entire goal in life is to be a victim. Having gotten her "consent", he binds her wrists together and ties them to her headboard using...wait for it...wait for it...THE EXACT SAME TIE FROM THE LAST TIME SHE WAS TIED UP. I GIVE UP. I HAVE COMPLETELY LOST THE WILL TO LIVE.

Another horrible sex scene begins. He pulls off her sweatpants and starts to undress himself, but then decides she shouldn't get to watch him, so he pulls her t-shirt up over her eyes and then walks out of the room to get a drink. He comes back with his drink, asks her if she's thirsty, takes a sip from the glass, and then kisses her while spitting the wine he just drank into her mouth. I write down: "Mmm. Backwash is delicious!" He also spits some wine into her belly button. I assume BrownsFan is dry heaving over this detail right now. He tells her not to spill the wine in her navel, which she does almost immediately because she completely and totally sucks at everything. Eventually, he flips her over to fuck her and she comes pretty much continuously the entire time, leading me to assume she actually suffers from Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome rather than having any sort of legitimate desire to fuck.

It's only after this sex that he asks her if she's still considering his proposal. And he follows up that question with a statement proving what I already suspected: "I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all." Read that again you guys. He thought she was saying no...so he came to her house to fuck her. There's a word to describe this. It begins with the letter "r" but is sure as fuck isn't romance. Rapists are not people that anyone has any business having a crush on or idolizing in any way. I'm past being annoyed that something written in such juvenile language got published. I'm just outraged that this publisher is so willfully irresponsible.

They have a conversation that had some stuff in it that was probably important, but I didn't really take any notes because I couldn't get over that I'd just read about a rape that was intended to turn me on in some way. They get dressed and she walks him to the door, not wanting him to go. She thinks, not for the first time, that she wishes he was normal, that he wanted a romantic relationship with her and a sex life that doesn't involve pain and punishment. I'm losing my mind trying not to scream out loud at this book because the bartender is sleeping. MOVE ON. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT. DECIDING YOU WANT THIS SPECIFIC PERSON AND THEN AGREEING TO A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP IS THE ACT OF AN IMBECILE. As if to prove my point, the minute he's out the door, she falls apart and starts crying. This is the state Kate finds her in. She explains the situation to Kate without a lot of detail, but says that she e-mailed him saying she didn't want to see him, and that's why he showed up at the house. Helpful as ever, Kate speculates that this is because he's "smitten" with Ana. Ana explains that, no, he just came over for sex, and Kate writes this off as him having commitment issues. Ana goes back to her room and finds an e-mail from Christian saying he looks forward to discussing the contract with her. She immediately e-mails back a long list of issues, impressive given that the second she'd sat down to write the list he'd shown up at her door, and she'd been either fucking or crying about it ever since.

The next day (Chapter 13), Ana briefly speaks to her mother on the phone and finds out that she won't be coming to Ana's graduation ceremony because her husband fell over and broke, and no one in the family has ever heard of crutches. She has an e-mail from Christian in response to her list of (mostly) legitimate concerns, which is the dictionary definition of submissive. She writes him back with this statement followed by the definition of compromise: "Sir: Please note the date of origin: 1580-1590. I would respectfully remind Sir that the year is 2011. We have come a long way since then." Apart from the fact that she clearly is unfamiliar with anything else that is common knowledge in 2011 (e-mail, helicopters, basic grammar and sentence structure, penises) the definition of words don't generally change simply because time has passed. The word still means exactly what the dictionary says it means. Instead of pointing this out to her, he tells her she has a good point, and then they argue back and forth for a while about whether he's picking her up for dinner the next day or if she's driving there herself. Again, this entire exchange comprising seven back and forth e-mails occurs over the course of half an hour. I'd complain again about how IM would make a hell of a lot more sense for this type of conversation, but I'm secretly happy because this format of writing takes up a lot of space on paper, which means I probably don't have as much fucking crap left to read as it appears.

The next day she goes to work and Paul follows her around the store badgering her for a date the ENTIRE DAY. I write "Every man you know is a stalker." After work, she gets ready for her date, by putting on make up, a dress which she had to borrow from Kate, and stiletto heels which she also borrowed from Kate and which I frankly don't believe because given her propensity to trip over thin air, she should be terrified of wearing any such thing. She gets in her car to drive to dinner, pointing out "I have to drive in my bare feet...my sea-blue Beetle wasn't built to be driven by stiletto-wearers." YOU'RE SHITTING ME. PLEASE NAME THE CAR THAT IS MEANT TO BE DRIVEN IN STILETTOS.  She gets to the hotel and Christian greets her and ushers her to a secluded booth.

I really, REALLY, wish I didn't have to recount any of their conversations for you, because the dialogue is as terrible as I am telling you and it keeps getting worse. But I have to. Ana tells him what she's found out - that the contract and the NDA aren't legally enforceable, a fact which he says he has been aware of all along. She gets angry with him for not telling her this as if he was trying to trick her into something, even though he is the one who told her to go do some research AND pointed her in the right direction to find exactly that information. He starts to explain that these sorts of relationships are built on honesty and trust. In real life, this is absolutely, 100%, the gods-honest truth and the foundation on which the entire BDSM community is built. In the book however, he spends the rest of the evening undermining exactly what he just said, starting with Ana asking if he had this conversation with the girls who came before her. No, he tells her, he didn't have to because they were established subs and knew what to expect. As if every Dom on the whole fucking planet were exactly alike, and therefore if you've been with one, it isn't at all important to establish trust with the next one. So swing and a miss, Christian, that's strike one. He asks if she'd like to dine in the restaurant or in his room. She elects to stay in the restaurant, reasoning that they are in public and on neutral ground. He answers this by first threatening her: "Do you think that would stop me?", and then negating his having asked the question in the first place by escorting her to the private dining room he had ALREADY BOOKED. WAY TO ESTABLISH TRUST THERE, MOTHERFUCKER. STRIKE FUCKING TWO. Once he has her alone, he begins going over all her points. During this, they get into yet another argument about food. By now I've come over to Christian's side on this point. After having eaten almost nothing for the preceding three to four days, she admits to having not eaten anything all day today either and then goes on to barely touch her food. I'm beginning to think she has a serious eating disorder.

Despite her having repeatedly told him she wants nothing more tonight than to discuss the contract, he sets about trying to manipulate her into letting him fuck her in the dining room. When she balks and accuses him of using sex as a weapon against her, he unapologetically admits to this. Manipulating people into doing what you want against their will is the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE OF BEING TRUSTWORTHY. STRIKE THREE, YOU REPULSIVE PIECE OF SHIT. GO THE FUCK HOME ANA. She actually tries to do this, and he threatens her again "I could make you stay." HEY, ASSHOLE! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS STRIKE FOUR. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. He doesn't, of course. Instead he says this: "You know, when you fell into my office to interview me, you were all 'yes, sir,' 'no sir.' I thought you were a natural born submissive. But quite frankly, Anastasia, I'm not sure you have a submissive bone in your delectable body." That is called BEING POLITE. I am not surprised you didn't recognize it since you are a complete piece of shit who has never tried any such thing yourself. Also, if she's NOT a natural submissive STOP TRYING TO FORCE HER INTO BEING SOMETHING SHE'S NOT. YOU ARE THE WORST DOM IN FUCKING HISTORY. THE MARQUIS DE SADE WOULD TELL YOU TO QUIT BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Eventually he lets her leave, though not without first making a huge deal of the fact that he doesn't trust her car because it's old. I have 20 bucks right here that says she winds up with a brand new BMW or Mercedes before the end of this book. As she drives away, she starts sobbing. This is now the third time she has cried over him in about two weeks. This is the very beginning of the relationship - the time when people are on their best behavior in an effort to trick you into liking them enough to want to repeatedly rub your naughty parts on theirs. If she is crying this much, this early, I can't imagine how she'll feel later when she finds out what the rest of us already know - that Christian Grey is one very pretty total cockburger. When she gets home, there is an e-mail from Christian. He doesn't understand why she ran, but they can make it work and she should trust him. This of course only makes her even more upset, and she winds up crying herself to sleep.

As soon as I'm done destroying my kneecap with this sledgehammer I plan on doing the same.

50 Sobs of Anguish

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

Sorry for the delay in getting to the next review. I was in danger of walking out in front of a bus over this book, so I did some other things for a few days such as heavy drinking and my job. I thought I was ready and started reading again last night. Wrong. I will never be ready.

Chapter 9 begins with the typical bullshit: Ana wakes up in Christian's bed and describes his resplendent face which is all the more beautiful for him being asleep, then goes looking for the bathroom but wanders into a closet first which she describes in detail, the sole purpose of this being to once again remind us that he is rich. WE KNOW. WE FUCKING KNOW ALREADY. HE HAS MORE MONEY THAN GOD, I THINK WE CAN ASSUME HE HAS A GIANT CLOSET OR FIVE THAT ARE FULL OF EXPENSIVE CLOTHES. MOVE THE FUCK ON. She is also about to ramp up this thing she's been doing throughout the book where she personifies her subconscious and has conversations with it. I have notes about this from earlier in the book, but there are so many other things wrong with it, I've mostly glossed over this. But now I can't anymore because it's in every other sentence. This is exactly how she tries to process the night before while she is making breakfast, to wit:

• "My subconscious has woken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you've just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn't love you."
• "My subconscious scowls at me...Fucking - not lovemaking, she screams at me like a harpy."

I am not fucking kidding you guys, there is something similar to that on nearly every page I read last night which is THREE. FUCKING. CHAPTERS. Not only is this incredibly irritating, it also makes no sense. You can't have a conversation with your subconscious because you are not aware of it. THAT IS WHAT THE WORD SUBCONSCIOUS MEANS.

In the meantime, she has complained about her hair (she will now begin using the term "just fucked hair" over and over and over and over and I wonder if she misplaced her thesaurus or just shoved it up her ass for the time being) and decides to put it in pigtails thinking maybe Christian will find her less attractive that way, thus proving my theory that she has never seen any porn. Christian shows up during the breakfast making and they have an entire conversation using exceptionally ridiculous innuendos i.e. "How would you like your eggs?" "Thoroughly whisked and beaten." Right. I remember my first "whisking". This is asinine. He asks how sore she is, which she thinks is an extremely personal question for some reason. Later in this same conversation, she will ask him if his family knows about his "predilection" which I found at least equally personal and also stupid because who in the actual fuck tells their family the details of their sex life no matter what kind of sex they are having? There's more foreshadowing about wasted food because every time he's in the room she loses her appetite. I'm pretty sure she hasn't eaten in about three days.

After breakfast Christian decides they should take a bath together. She has several freak outs in her head during this scene over the fact that she is naked, and that he is naked and JESUS YOU JUST FUCKED HIM IT'S A BIT LATE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE CAN SEE YOUR TITS. He washes her and it's idiotic and makes me wonder if she's ever seen a washcloth before. Then he tells her it's her turn to wash him and I don't even want to describe this scene to you guys because it starts out fucking awful and progresses to preposterous. First of all, she turns around to face him and he has his dick in his hand. She gasps and her mouth drops open. That is her actual reaction to that. No idea that penis touching was a thing. None. I was about to roll my eyes until I read the next sentence, spoken by Christian: "I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I'm very attached to this." Now I can't roll my eyes because they have just fallen out of my head onto the fucking floor. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. AND IF THEY DO YOU SHOULD LAUGH AT THEM BECAUSE THAT IS A JACKASS THING TO SAY. He starts showing her how to jerk him off, or trying to, but she's not watching because she can't stop gazing into his eyes (hand jobs: the most romantic of jobs!). She is so amazed by this entire process that "My lips are parted to accommodate my breathing." ACCOMMODATE. YOUR BREATHING. STOP WRITING LIKE THIS, I AM RUNNING OUT OF SWEAR WORDS TO SHOUT AT YOU. That was the awful part. The preposterous part is when she instinctively starts sucking him off, despite twelve seconds ago being completely paralysed by the very sight of a cock, AND guess what? No, seriously, guess what you guys? Just guess.

ANA DOESN'T HAVE A GAG REFLEX.

Yes. Anameoba (I just thought of that right now and I am super proud of myself), of Thefirsttimeieverthoughtaboutsexwasyesterdayland, is multi-orgasmic, has hypersensitive nipples, and NO gag reflex. I WILL CUT A BITCH. According to Wikipedia, about one third of healthy adults have no gag reflex. Ana is one of them because OF COURSE SHE IS, SHE WAS BUILT FOR SEX. The most annoying part of this is that it isn't at all hard to learn to suppress a gag reflex, and having Christian actually teach her that could have potentially been an extremely sexy scene (in the hands of another writer, anyway). But no, James doesn't have any interest in writing characters that are in any way believable, let alone relatable. They all have to be the most extreme example possible of whatever it is she wants them to be and she wants Ana to be a Realdoll with sound effects. The crowning jewel of this scene is this line right here: "He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle." OH FUCK PLEASE STOP THINKING THINGS BEFORE I LOSE THE WILL TO LIVE.

Afterwards, he takes her back in his room, and we get the first bit of bondage in the book. He has her put her hands together and then ties them WITH A NECKTIE FROM HIS CLOSET. EVERYBODY GET INSIDE QUICK BEFORE YOU GET HIT WITH THE CLICHES THAT ARE RAINING DOWN FROM THE SKY. So he ties her hands together and tells her to leave them over her head, which she sucks at, and he tells her to hold still, which she sucks at, and right before he goes down on her she says "My heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs, right down there." I don't even know where to start. 1. Your blood is the same temperature it's always been. 2. If blood is pooling in your belly, then you are hemorrhaging internally and you require medical attention. 3. STOP SAYING THERE. IT'S A VAGINA. IF YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS THEN YOU ARE NOT READY TO DO THIS. VAGINA. She comes from the oral and she comes again approximately 30 seconds later from the sex.

As they are laying there recovering, they hear voices in the hallway. It's Christian's assistant telling his mother she can't go in his room because he's with someone. For some reason, Christian is super excited to introduce Ana to his mother. He gets dressed in a hurry, much to Ana's shock: "...pulls on his jeans - no underwear!" OH MY GOD I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT. Ana has a self obsessive freak out because she has no clean clothes and her hair is a mess and her subconscious has just called her a ho (seriously). She finally gets her shit together and goes out to meet the mother.

Christian's mother is Dr. Grace Travelyan-Grey. Ana's first thought at this introduction is that Christian's middle initial is T, which must be for Travelyan because what else could T possibly stand for? Not an assessment of this woman's demeanor, not more than a perfunctory description of what she looks like - just "I bet his middle name is Travelyan! Wow!" AS IF IT THAT'S WHAT WOULD FUCKING MATTER TO YOU WHEN BEING INTRODUCED TO YOUR BRAND NEW LOVER'S MOTHER. While they are chatting, Ana's phone rings. She excuses herself and answers it without bothering to look at the phone, which absolutely no one ever does in this day and age, but it has to be that way because if she'd SEEN it was Jose calling and not Kate she wouldn't have answered it and that doesn't fit the story E. L. James is trying to kill me with. She quickly ends the call, but not fast enough. Dr. Travelyan goes to leave (how long has she been there, five minutes? Who does that?), offering her cheek for Christian to kiss, but not touching him (so I guess we'll be finding out at some point that part of why he's "fucked up" is that his mother is not affectionate). As soon as she's gone, Christian's whole demeanor changes. It is glaringly obvious that this is due to Jose's phone call to Ana, which lasted less than one minute and during which she was very short with him and eventually hangs up on him, but it is still all her fault that he called somehow, and Christian is INFURIATED. Ana, clueless as usual, can't put her finger on why he's being such a dick all of a sudden. HEY FUCKWAD, YOUR NEW NOT BOYFRIEND IS A VIOLENTLY JEALOUS AND POSSESSIVE STALKER WHO WILL SOON START INSISTING THAT YOU HAVE NO MALE FRIENDS BECAUSE IF YOU DO HE WILL KILL YOU. THIS IS EXTREMELY CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR, NOT IN A BDSM WAY, BUT IN AN UNHEALTHY ABUSIVE WAY. IT IS FUCKING INSANE THAT YOU DON'T SEE THIS COMING. WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR PERSONIFIED SUBCONSCIOUS NOW? I cannot, CANNOT believe at this point that there are thousands of women out there reading this book and thinking this is somehow romantic. This is making me hate my entire gender.

As they get ready for him to take her back home, he hands her an envelope with the contract in it and tells her to read it and to do some research. And then has to specify "on the internet" because she is confused, after four years of college, about what research means. Even armed with this instruction she's stymied - she doesn't have access to a computer. Apparently on the WHOLE CAMPUS, there is not ONE public computer. Not in the library, not in the student center...no computers available for students who don't have or can't afford one of their own to use. Or, in fact, at any off campus location in the entire city of Portland. No public libraries. No internet cafes. Nothing. This book is set in 2011 in a city. I started college in 1996 in a very small, very rural town in southeast Ohio and let me tell you something: there were computers everywhere. There is zero chance that this girl went through four years of college without access to any computers. This plot point is entirely contrived so that Christian Grey can buy her an awesome new computer. I can never go to West London again, because if I accidentally run into this author on the street I am going to lose my shit and it's going to start an international incident that could lead to a third world war.

They begin heading back to Portland in one of his cars, I can't be arsed to go back and look up exactly which one. On the way they stop at a restaurant, for three reasons. The first is so she can foreshadow more crap about Christian's issues with eating everything on one's plate for about the sixth time. The second is to give her a chance to reminisce about the way his pants hang from his hips (5). The third is to give them a chance to have another ridiculous conversation touching on the following points:

• Ana is the first girl he has ever introduced to his mother.
• It is the first time EVER IN HIS LIFE he has had vanilla sex.
• An explanation of the term vanilla sex, leading Ana to think to herself "I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on top." You guys have no idea how much I wish I was making that sentence up just to amuse you.

And also the following MAJOR PLOT POINTS:

• Christian was seduced by a friend of his mother when he was 15 years old.
• He went on to be her submissive for SIX YEARS.

I'm trying to withhold judgement on this until I know more, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. While there are certainly people in the community who enjoy taking both Dominant and submissive roles (lesson of the day, vanillas: these people are called switches), I believe it is pretty rare to have been very rigidly one of those things for years, and then suddenly give that up entirely and only be interested in the opposite. Maybe that's not what's happening here, but so far it looks that way - Christian spent six years being a woman's full time submissive and when that ended, he decided he was a Dominant and appears to have never looked back. I also dislike Ana's thought about this, "he knows what it's like", due to the implication that because he knows what it's like, he's can't be capable of going too far as a Dom. I feel like she's preemptively excusing behavior from Christian for which there is actually no excuse. We'll see, but I don't like where this is going.

When Ana gets home, she does her best to tell Kate about her night with Christian without really telling her much of anything, still under the impression that the NDA she signed is somehow legally enforceable. Kate has spent that whole time boning Elliot. From the conversation, she is clearly in love with him despite having known him for two days. Then Jose calls again. Ana immediately forgives him for being a piece of shit the other night because she doesn't have a lot of respect for herself and so James can set up a situation that will be a source of continued conflict between Ana and Christian for the entire rest the book. HE IS JEALOUS, THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW BOTH THAT HE IS A DOM AND THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER.

Both girls are exhausted from their "carnal exertions". I am exhausted from dry heaving. Kate goes off to bed, and Ana goes to her room but stays up to read through the contract Christian gave her to look at.

The beginning of Chapter 11 is the contract. The first several pages of it, I have only written one note: "I AM BORED". It is written very much like a legal contract, despite the fact that it is in no way legally enforceable (BrownsFan says that this explains the language in the contract capitalizing submissive - Submissive referring specifically to Ana to differentiate her from other unnamed submissives that might be mentioned in part of the contract. Since it's not an actual legal document though, I still think this is pretty much bullshit). It's all pretty boiler plate stuff that I don't really feel like going over, so feel free to google it if you're interested in how a D/s contract is worded. I do want to point out one thing, however: a clause on page 169 that reads "The Dominant shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention when necessary to maintain a risk-free environment." There is absolutely no such thing as a risk-free environment. I don't even know what this is supposed to mean. The appendix with the hard limits is repeated, followed by an appendix with a list of soft limits. There's a lot of them, but the one I make note of is anal fisting, because I can't imagine a person like Ana calmly reading something like that on the same day that she nearly passed out because Christian lightly touched his own penis in front of her. You'd think I'd be used to her reacting in ways that no reasonable person with her level of experience would react, but I'm not. No, she can handle reading about anal fisting - it's the food list she can't bring herself to consider.

She reads all this and she is outraged. This is the first thing she has done in this book that has made any sense. Anyone with no natural submissive tendencies and virtually no knowledge of sex of any kind ought to react that way. Her personified subconscious is now arguing with her "inner goddess" while I try to dig a hole through my leg with a letter opener. Subconscious says this entire idea is ludicrous. Inner goddess says "Please let's do this...otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company." YES BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T BECOME A SUB ON YOUR FIRST TRY AT ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, YOU WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE AND YOU ARE DOOMED TO THE LIFE OF A SPINSTER. I hope inner goddess drowns in the fucking bathtub.

The next day, Kate wakes up Ana because there is someone at the door with a large package for her - Christian has bought her the "latest" MacBook Pro. The guy tells her these MacBooks aren't available in stores yet. He isn't kidding. Allegedly, Ana's new MacBook Pro has 32 gigs of RAM and a 1.5 terabyte hard drive. Aware of the author's tendency to exaggerate things in order to prove Christian's extraordinary wealth, I get on apple.com to check the specs of the current MacBook Pro and as I expected there is no such MacBook. CHRISTIAN GREY IS SO RICH HE JUST BOUGHT HER A MACBOOK PRO FROM THE FUTURE. Not only that, but all she's planning to do with this incredibly fast machine with practically limitless storage is google shit and check her e-mail. I'm no tech geek, but I do believe that's overkill. SPEAKING OF E-MAIL, as her door to door Apple Genius is setting up her Me account, he explains that it's her new e-mail address and she is totes startled because oh em gee, she has an e-mail address. Ana, we've been over this: It is 2011 and you are a college student. You HAVE an e-mail address, IT COMES AS A FREE GIFT WITH YOUR EDUCATION. It has been that way for AT LEAST 15 YEARS. Stop acting like it's still the late 80's, YOU WEREN'T EVEN FUCKING BORN THEN. The author of this book has never met anyone born in 1990. There is NO WAY this girl never had an e-mail address before.

What follows is a series of idiotic one line e-mails between Ana and Christian where they are replying to each other so quickly I write in my notes "WHY DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT INSTANT MESSENGER IS?" She gets some direction from him on what specifically she should google, but she phrases it as "What would you suggest I put into a search engine?" instead of "What should I google?" because E.L. James is worse at writing dialogue than George Lucas. And when she's done, she sighs happily because Christian Grey e-mailed her. HE IS SO FUCKING DREAMY, YOU GUYS. HOLY SHIT, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW AWESOME HE IS AT WEARING PANTS.

I need a handle of tequila. And an ice pick.

50 Shrieks of Rage

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

This is the worst book I have ever read. This book....this book is the 2 Girls 1 Cup of books.

When we last saw Ana and Christian, she had just admitted to her virginity. Chapter 8 picks up in the middle of that scene. I can only assume the reason there is a chapter break there is to create drama in a scene which is not actually dramatic. Grey asks if she's ever even been kissed before that time he attacked her in the elevator and for the second time she claims she has (but only once or twice). I could have sworn she said she'd never been kissed, so I went back looking for it. The line that made me think that is on page 48: "For the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed." I interpreted that as "I want to be kissed for the first time", seeing as the only other explanation for this sentence is that all the other times she's been kissed were entirely against her will and that's a lot of rape kissing to be just brushing under the rug like it doesn't matter.

To his credit, Christian is extremely upset to learn this about her. Unfortunately, his ability to be a reasonable and responsible adult ends right there. "Come," he says. "We're going to rectify that right now." Because clearly, all that needs to happen for her to be physically and emotionally prepared for the demands of being someone's full time submissive is a quick humping to rid her of that pesky virginity. YOU CANNOT BE FUCKING SERIOUS. Look, I'm not going to sit here and generalize that no one has ever come into a D/s relationship as a virgin or a virgin minus one and enjoyed it immediately. Everyone is different. But for most people that isn't how this works, and for very good reason. People can be seriously hurt both physically and emotionally if they walk into this type of thing blind. You need to know yourself very well if this is something you want to participate in. If you are a Dom, you want to make especially sure that this sub you're courting knows what to expect and genuinely wants to participate in it, because if they don't, and they freak out, and they run off and tell people you sexually tortured them, the consequences will be extremely serious. The Christian Grey that has been described to us so far would have helicoptered her ass back to Portland immediately and reminded her all the way that she signed a non disclosure agreement and needs to keep her mouth shut about his riding crops and oddly positioned sofa.

Luckily, the author of this book has no qualms about drastically shifting her characters' personalities from ones she's already established to suit whatever type of scene she wakes up feeling like writing that morning. And so we end up with Christian telling Ana he wants to make love to her, right now, even though mere pages earlier he made it crystal fucking clear that he doesn't do that: "I don't make love. I fuck...hard." You know, except for those times when she needs her readers to be as in love with Christian Grey as Ana is, in which case he will happily throw such unequivocal statements right out the fucking window and instead say things like "Please, Ana, spend the night with me." SAY WHAT? He doesn't spend the night with anyone and he certainly doesn't say please! Does not matter, you guys. ANA HAS SPECIAL POWERS AND UNPARALLELED BEAUTY AND HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HER. THIS IS SO ROMANTIC OH MY GOD MY HEART IS ALL AFLUTTER.

But don't worry, it isn't just Christian who suddenly does a complete 180. The author has spent seven ENTIRE chapters developing the character of Ana Steele. She has never liked a boy (or a girl for that matter, unless you count Kate, but we are clearly not supposed to). She may or may not have ever kissed anyone, but even if she has she didn't like it. She's definitely never held hands with anyone. She's never had a sexual fantasy. In a few pages we are about to find out, though I'm betting you've guessed this already, that she has never ever masturbated. Not once in her entire life. James has jumped through hoops to try and prove to the reader that Anastasia Steele has spent 21 years being entirely asexual 100% of the time, up until she met Christian Grey. So it makes NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOFUCKINGEVER for this line to be anywhere in this book: "Finally, after all this time, I'm going to do it" SURE NO PROBLEM, LET'S IGNORE 110 PAGES OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND SUDDENLY DECIDE FOR NO REASON AND WITHOUT EXPLANATION THAT THE ONLY REASON ANA IS A VIRGIN IS BECAUSE NO ONE EVER LIKED HER BEFORE AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER BEING COMPLETELY UNAWARE THAT SEX EXISTS. DO YOU EVEN READ BACK THROUGH YOUR OWN WORK? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF AN OUTLINE? IS YOUR EDITOR IN A COMA? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Can I just point out that I am this angry and the sex hasn't even started yet?

In the bedroom, we are treated to another round of describing Christian's otherworldly hotness and an excruciatingly detailed account of him removing his clothes. "He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually." No shit. If he stepped out of his shoes he was obviously standing while doing this, how the fuck is he going to take his socks off at the same time, jump up like a fucking frog? Then Christian says "I assume you're not on the pill." Because the only reason to ever use condoms with a virtual fucking stranger is so no one gets pregnant. Every time I think I can't hate this book any more she throws in something as mindblowingly stupid as this. He starts touching her and pulling her clothes off. He pulls her hair out of a ponytail and mentions that he likes brunettes. Please note that the ONLY other detail we have about Ana's appearance is that her eyes are blue. It made me think of a brilliant piece from The Oatmeal that he wrote about why girls go fucking batshit over Twilight. Given that this whole thing began as Twilight fan fiction, it should be no surprise that it is equally applicable to this story (just substitute the correct names and put in "rich" wherever it says "vampire").

It is at this point in the story that I started taking more notes about how stupid this scene is than I could possibly hope to summarize here. I'll try and stick to the parts where I also shouted expletives loud enough to cause my roommate to repeatedly come in my room and ask if I was ok (I am not making that up).

• "...running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There." Apex is a terribly unsexy word to use, and she's going to repeat the word "there", almost always italicized, several more times until I finally wrote this note: "STOP SAYING THERE OH MY FUCK. PICK A NOUN, ANY NOUN. PUSSY. VAGINA. SNATCH. ENVELOPE. TOASTER. I DON'T FUCKING CARE." Repeatedly saying "there" like she's astonished it's even possible for someone to touch her vagina makes me picture someone saying "Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you." Be a fucking adult, for fuck's sake.
• "'I can't wait to be inside you.' Holy shit. His words. He's so seductive." Oh Jesus, no.
• "Show me how you pleasure yourself." There is absolutely no one who didn't know she was going to say she never has. Not one person.
• "I am squirming with need."/"his tongue dips into my navel." Gross. You couldn't come up with less sexy phrases to describe having sex if you were told everything you write has to apply equally well to sex and a landfill.
• "You fit my hand perfectly, Anastasia." (regarding her breast) YOU SHOULD RUN AWAY AND GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO BE TOGETHER BECAUSE SHE HAS THE RIGHT SIZE TITS.

At this point, Ana, the asexual virgin who has never touched her body except to wash it, comes for the first time, from nothing but nipple play. I write next to it, "No." Again, this could and probably has happened for some people. I couldn't find a solid statistic showing me what percentage of women can get off from nothing but nipple play. I saw estimates anywhere from 2-30%. Even at the high end of that range (which is probably very overblown since it came from online men's entertainment magazine askmen.com) this is substantially less than the majority. She's also bound to be extremely nervous, it being her first time, and she's never touched herself at all which means she's completely unaware of what's right for her body. Combining all these factors, I find the idea that she comes from nipple play in this situation highly improbable. This absurdity continues with Christian saying "You are very responsive." If that is what actually happened she's not "very responsive", she's a motherfucking grand prix car.

• "You're so deliciously wet." Well I'm glad someone is. I have never been less turned on in my life. I messaged StereoNinja in a panic that I might never feel sexual desire again. It's true, ask him.
• "He palms my clitoris" What, like a basketball? How big is your clitoris, Ana?
• "He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length." Again, considerable length is not a noun. USE YOUR BIG GIRL WORDS. Also, since we can assume she's never watched any porn, or been to a Chippendale's show, or seen another live penis in any context in her life before this, PRECISELY WHAT IS SHE COMPARING THIS TO? He can obviously see on her face she thinks he's huge because he says-
• "Don't worry...You expand, too." YOU DID NOT FUCKING JUST WRITE THIS SENTENCE. PLEASE KILL ME I AM READY TO DIE.
• "...at the entrance of my sex." This is not better. Go home and practice saying "pussy" in the mirror until you can write something even remotely arousing.
• "...as he rips through my virginity." Fucking Christ. I don't even know enough words to describe how horrifying this image is. I'll have to borrow her thesaurus when she's done humping it.

So he gets on top of her and fucks her, and she comes again, and I find this nearly as unlikely as I did the first time because I suspect very few women discover they are multi-orgasmic on their first go. But Ana does, probably because it's Christian who is SO TALENTED AT EVERYTHING EVER. She wants more, OBVIOUSLY, so he flips her over to fuck her from behind and this is when she realizes he hasn't taken his shirt off because now that he's shown off his dungeon she has to have a new thing to foreshadow about. I'm sure he's not hiding scars from all the beatings he used to get or anything like that. So that happens and it's really boring, and he sticks his thumb in her mouth which she thinks is "really wrong" and he says "I want you sore, baby" because he keeps calling her baby now all of a sudden and I yell "OF COURSE SHE WILL BE SORE. SHE'S A VIRGIN YOU TOOL." and the bartender comes in and checks to see if I'm ok again. And then mercifully that bullshit is FINALLY over. I find I am grateful to be done reading about sex and it scares the shit out of me. WHAT IS THIS BOOK DOING TO ME? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. (Later, when I finish the whole chapter, I will immediately go to my living room and grab the first volume of erotica I see, which happens to be Taboo: Forbidden Fantasies For Couples edited by Violet Blue, and read the first three stories just to make sure I still like sex. I do.)

Ana wakes up alone in Christian's bed. It's still dark out. She goes looking for him and finds him at his piano, expertly playing something really really sad. I write a fairly long note: "CHRISTIAN GREY: MASTER PIANIST. He is probably also secretly the Pope, the head of the IMF...no scratch that. He's Jesus. Sexy Jesus." Sexy Jesus and Ana discuss his exquisite piano playing for a while and then he decides she needs to go back to bed, so he stands up to take her there and his pants hang from his hips (4). Back in his room, the sheets are covered in what seems like an absurd amount of blood, but it's been a long time and I don't really remember what that should look like so I let it go. She tries to touch his chest and he freaks and puts a shirt on while she wonders if she's ever touched his torso (NO, you haven't, it would have been in your excruciatingly boring details from earlier). He climbs into bed with her (since he never sleeps with anyone) and spoons her to go to sleep (since someone used to sleeping alone would be comfortable sleeping right on top of another person). The chapter ends with this: "I can't help but feel a residual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side." DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE IS JUST A SAD SAD LITTLE BOY WHO ONLY WANTS TO BE LOVED.

I AM GOING TO STAB THIS BOOK UNTIL IT'S SO DEAD IT NEVER EXISTED.

50 Stabs of Disgust

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

There are two things that are getting me through reading this book: the amazing and wonderful comments from everyone encouraging me to go on (THANK YOU SO MUCH) and this mantra I keep repeating in my head: "Publishers don't pick things that are good, they pick things they know they can sell. Publishers don't pick things that are good, they pick things they know they can sell."

Chapter 6 begins with Christian driving Ana home from kidnapping her the night before. In case we weren't sure that he is the most perfect and sophisticated man alive, he has been listening to opera in the car. But he's not stuffy you guys! He also listens to Kings of Leon! Sophistication AND coolness? MOTHERFUCK THIS GUY IS THE WHOLE PACKAGE. The entire ride to her place his phone keeps ringing. He is curt and rude to every single employee that calls. She makes a point of explaining that he never says please or thank you, he just issues commands and hangs up. Ana is SUPER IMPRESSED by this because he is SO IMPORTANT. I have a different reaction: Christian is a complete and utter dick, and STOP FORESHADOWING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. He knows where she lives without being told because he is a stalker. In the meantime she can't stop thinking about that kiss. She is OVERWHELMED. She's not even sure it happened except that her lips are swollen from it. He'd held both of her hands up over her head and she wanted to touch his hair "but I'd been unable to move my hands. I am retrospectively frustrated." I don't know why you guys are making me read the rest of this book WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

At home, Kate is sitting with Elliot. Elliot is Christian's brother who had come with him for the kidnapping but decided to stay and bone Kate instead. Elliot is regoddamndiculous. He and Christian are about to leave when he turns to Kate for a kiss, dramatically DIPS HER so far her hair is on the floor and then says "Laters, baby." Thankfully I was reading this alone, otherwise I would have crotch punched anyone within range.

Kate and Ana discuss their evenings in no detail whatsoever and Ana informs Kate that Christian is picking her up after work and flying her to Seattle to talk about what he meant by "get written consent". IN HIS HELICOPTER. They make a joke about it being all about the money. We are meant to understand that it isn't, even though we already know Paul at the hardware store isn't good enough for her because he's not a literary hero and that to be as dramatic as a literary hero you have to be rich enough to afford fucking helicopters and shit, so really it's fucking ENTIRELY about the money. Kate decides that Ana has to be totes perfect for this meeting and sets about fixing her up to be presentable. This apparently means teaching her how to shave her legs and underarms, which presumably she's never done before. I write down "Again, 21 YEARS OLD".

She works all day and does her normal foreshadowing/self deprecating that I can't even bring myself to make fun of anymore because it is so fucking tedious. Christian shows up and drives her to the helipad, which is in the middle of the city, which confuses her because she doesn't know shit about anything, ever. "...and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land." NO THEY GODDAMN DON'T THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY FUCKING DESIGNED TO TAKE OFF AND LAND VERTICALLY HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID AND SUPPOSEDLY A COLLEGE GRADUATE AND HAVE NEVER SEEN A RERUN OF M*A*S*H OR FOREST GUMP OR BLACKHAWK DOWN OR SAVING PRIVATE RYAN OR LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF OTHER MOVIES OR TV SHOWS THAT HAVE A HELICOPTER AND JESUS FUCK YOU ARE THINKING OF AIRPLANES, ANA. AIRPLANES. SHIT.

Sorry about that, where was I? Oh yeah. They get in the helicopter and Christian straps her in with a dirty look on his face because I WONDER IF HE'S THINKING ABOUT TYING HER UP. Christian will obviously be piloting the helicopter himself because no man since the dawn of time has been his equal. Speaking of which, not to get off topic, but I was thinking about how they are obviously going to make a terrible movie out of this, but I am wondering how they plan to do that since there is not a man alive today or ever that can possibly be as beautiful as Christian Grey. I think he's going to have to be CGI, there is no human male that is up to the task. Anyway, not the point. The point is, she continues to be breathtakingly stupid during the flight because HOLY SHIT HOW IS HE FLYING AT NIGHT IN THE DARK? HE MUST BE MADE OUT OF MAGIC. He ACTUALLY EXPLAINS to her about these super neat thingys called instruments that allow you to see where you're going in the dark. She asks him how many women have been in his helicopter and of course he says she's the only one. This follows on him having told her earlier that he never sleeps in the same bed with anyone except that time he brought her home drunk and didn't rape her.  I wonder if he's going to fall in love with her you guys. My note reads: "oh em gee SHE IS THE MOSTEST SPECIAL." Blah blah blah, beautiful profile, blah blah blah square jaw...oh through the whole book she keeps saying she peeks at him through her eyelashes. She either has eyelashes like the Snuffleupagus or she is constantly stoned. Either way it's fucking annoying.

Christian's place is ginormous and everything is state of the art and shiny and new and I'm not even going to describe it because by now you know what to expect. She does say about the room she's in, "It's not a room - it's a mission statement." I write, "No, it's a room." They have a whole conversation about Tess of the d'Urbervilles and I think to myself this is futile since the audience for that book and the audience for this one are two completely different sets of people and no one actually enjoying this book has the faintest clue what she's talking about.

Before he can tell her what he flew her all the way to Seattle to tell her, he insists that she sign a nondisclosure agreement. "It means you cannot disclose anything about us. Anything, to anyone." I have legal questions about this and I need to speak to BrownsFan because unlike E. L. James, I like to know what the shit I'm talking about before I say stupid things that can be debunked in the time it takes to type them into Google. But I'm questioning how enforcible this actually is. What if he rapes her? What if she gets some kind of crotch rash and needs to tell her gynocologist what she's been up to? I feel like this only works in business situations, not in interpersonal communications. But again, I need to check because that's what you do when you write shit. Research.

Anyway, he asks her to sign this thing and she's like "Whatevs" and he's like "No, read it first" and she's like "No I'll do anything swoon swoon" and I'm like "SHUT UP you idiot read things you are going to sign" but she doesn't hear that because I'm not in the book so she just signs it without reading it because it's more romantic that way and I hate this so hard you guys. Once she's signed it, IT IS TIME. Time for her to find out Christian Grey's Big Secret that is in no way whatsoever a secret to anyone reading this book. He takes her down a hall, opens a door and she thinks "holy fuck".

And then it's Chapter 7. SURPRISE HE HAS A SEX DUNGEON. Christian's sex dungeon is equipped with everything you would expect to find in a sex dungeon: rope, chains, shackles, whips, and yes, YES! Riding crops! It says riding crops right here! I am so excited because I did actually write the review where I predicted this before I read this part so I wrote in my notes: "Riding crops! HA! I WIN AT LIFE!" There's a big giant bed covered in leather and a couch facing it. Ana No Sex and her wide eyed innocence take all this in and she runs screaming from the room.

Oh wait, no. No, she DOESN'T run screaming from the room. I'm sorry about that, I made the mistake of thinking there would be some sort of continuity in the personality of the main character, since anyone else with zero sexual experience and the emotional maturity of an 8 year old would, in fact, have run screaming from the room. MY BAD. Ana STAYS in the room looking at the impressive assortment of torture instruments and her reaction is to....(spins wheel)...fixate on the fact the the couch is facing the bed because THAT'S the part that's weird, and...(spins wheel again)...describes the room as, I am not fucking kidding you guys, "kind of soft and romantic." Fuck. You.

She asks a series of actual legitimate questions and I'm mildly relieved because at this point I was terrified she was going to be all "Wheeeeeee! Let's go play!" and I really, REALLY don't want to go to prison for murder. So he tells her basically this is what I'm like and this is what I do and if you're interested I'd really like to hit you with sticks (et cetera). As she's taking this in, this happens: "Kate has said he was dangerous; she was so right. How did she know?" She probably just read the first chapter of the book, it's spelled out as clearly as if he'd said "Hi, I'm Christian. Would you like to visit my sex dungeon for some romantic bondage and torture?" at the interview.

They go back downstairs because he thinks it's a good idea to have this conversation over food. She asks about the other paperwork he mentioned and he explains the concept of a contract to her. "I need to know your limits, and you need to know mine." Yeah, well, here's the problem with that: she has no goddamn idea what her limits are. I try to restrain my rage because it's clear he doesn't actually know this yet, despite the fact that a normal person would determine some sort of common sexual interests with a person before showing off their sex dungeon. But it's not his fault she apparently grew up in a convent. There's a really annoying conversation, half of which is him telling her to eat and her telling him no. She asks for his number, which is 15, and this disappoints me because I really wanted him to have banged hundreds of broads before he falls in love with this completely worthless one as it would suit the totally implausible story. There are more questions about has he hurt anyone, will he hurt her, all completely reasonable, and then she asks "Have you ever been beaten?" and he says "Yes" at which point I lose my fucking mind. I know she's going to make this a central plot piece to how he got this way and I am dreading it because it's going to legitimize the idea that people are interested in this kind of sex because there is something wrong with them and it is NOT TRUE. It is so completely and entirely off base and there are not enough words for me to convey to you what a steaming pile of horseshit this is. And I know it's going to lead to writing a lecture instead of a review, and I don't want to lecture people, I just want to rescue as many people as possible from reading this book.

Moving on, he takes her to his study so she can have a look at this contract. The very first sentence in this contract starts with "The Submissive will obey..." and I sigh because the lecture is starting right now and because I have to ask my family members reading this to please leave. Family members: for everyone's sake, please go back to what you were doing before I drop some knowledge you don't want about me on all your asses. Ok, good. So here's what's wrong with that: in circles where these terms are freely bandied about, "Dom" or "Dominant" are capitalized. The words "sub" or "submissive" are all lower case. Now, some people give a shit about this and some people don't, but for the most part, everybody uses these conventions out of respect for the people who are serious about it. There is no way, none, on the earth, that a fellow like Christian Grey wouldn't know that. She can't have run this text past ANYONE in the BDSM community without this being pointed out to her. I hate this book. I hate this author. I hate, period. And just when I thought I couldn't hate this thing any more than I already do, she gets to the part in the contract about hard limits (well first they have a debate about how many times a week she'd have to work out with a trainer, which is fucking stupid as shit, but right after that). Hard limits are things that are absolutely off limits, no exceptions, which you probably could figure out on your own since you're not retarded. Christian has eight of them. Five of them would also be on my list (one of those is illegal). Two are things I haven't tried, but might under the right circumstances with the right people. And one is something that I fucking LOVE. (And no, I'm not going to list them here, that would be stupid. If you want to know that badly, google it exactly the same way E. L. James didn't.) And here is Ana's reaction to this list: "Any sane person wouldn't want to be involved in this sort of thing, surely."

OH FUCK YOU, YOU JUDGMENTAL BITCH. NOW IT'S PERSONAL.

You guys, if you think I was mean about this book before, you have no idea what is about to happen because Ana Steele is a fucking cunt and EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT. I WILL CRUSH HER SO HARD THAT SEX DUNGEON WILL LOOK LIKE A PILE OF PUPPIES AND MILKSHAKES. I AM COMING FOR YOU, ANA STEELE.

But before that, she's supposed to be adding anything to this list she feels strongly about. And she can't think of anything because she has NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S GETTING INTO. And after a very uncomfortable exchange between them, she finally admits to him that she is a virgin.

And that's it, right? That should be the end of the book. Because any responsible Dom, on hearing how breathtakingly unprepared she is to try out this sort of lifestyle, would have walked away right at this moment. So I'm done then, I don't have to read any more of this crap. Why are there still so many pages? Why does the page right after this one say "Chapter Eight" at the top? WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

I suspect I will be isolating the next chapter as a single chapter review. Because my sources tell me this is where the first sex scene happens, despite the fact that in no way should there be any sex scenes in this book unless Ana gets hit by a bus and the rest of the book follows Christian's story line and he starts making better decisions about who he ties up and fucks.

Jesus crap, this book. Please oh please let me off the hook and don't make me keep reading this. I don't want to die like this.

50 Yawns of Boredom

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

I am so bored you guys. The pages keep turning, but I could swear I just keep reading the same three paragraphs again and again. I'm not sure I'm even angry anymore, I'm just exhausted by the horribleness of the story.

Chapter 4 picks up right where the last one left off - Christian is dramatically holding her after dramatically rescuing her from a killer bicyclist, and for the first time in her whole life it occurs to her that she would like to be kissed.

So of course he doesn't.

Instead of kissing her, he warns her to stay away from him. It strikes me this may be difficult for her to do seeing as she's being stalked by him. This is the most melodramatic scene in the book so far. He reminds her to breathe (what?). She thanks him for saving her. They both act like getting hit with a bike is roughly the same as getting hit by a train. She walks away from him and since she hasn't reminded us about her awkwardness in a while, claims to be "vaguely amazed" that she doesn't trip. I write in my notes "you can't be vaguely amazed, AMAZED IS NOT A VAGUE FEELING. SHUT UP." She takes his warning as a rejection and curls up in a ball on the floor of the parking garage sobbing - SOBBING - about her dashed hopes and dreams. She ACTUALLY says that. She has only just admitted to herself she even liked the guy about an hour ago, but now EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE IS RUINED. Her age MUST have been a typo, she can't possibly be 21, she's fucking 12.

An unspecified amount of time later, she finishes her last final exam of her college career, and I weep for the future because I can't believe they are giving college degrees to idiots like this one. When she gets home, there is a package for her. It's a three volume first edition of Tess of the d'Urbervilles. Miraculously, she knows exactly who it's from. Kate is impressed. This paragraph happens:

"I've found one Tess first edition for sale in New York for fourteen thousand dollars. But yours look in better condition. They must have cost more." Kate is consulting her good friend Google.

Kate's deductive reasoning is amazing, she should be a fucking detective. And holy shit, Ana HAS heard of Google, it's just never occurred to her to use it. It also hasn't occurred to the author: when I googled "Tess of the d'Urbervilles first edition" the results I got were between $4,000 and $6,000 dollars. FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS for a shitty copy is a gross exaggeration, but then again HOW ELSE WILL WE KNOW THAT CHRISTIAN GREY IS OUTRAGEOUSLY RICH? The books come with a note enclosed, a quote from the book warning her, again, to stay away from him. Because when I think someone should stay away from me, I send them $14,000 books in the fucking mail. This storyline is so nonsensical it's making me tired. I take a nap.

Later on, Kate and Ana meet up with Jose for some drinks to celebrate their impending graduation. Surprising no one, Ana reports that she has never been drunk in her entire life. She proceeds to drink an unspecified amount of champagne, five, FIVE! margaritas, then heads to the bar to get them a pitcher of beer. She then heads for the bathroom and decides to drunk dial Christian Grey while she's standing in line. When he answers it, she is FUCKING AMAZED that he knew it was her calling him. I roll my eyes and write a note: "YOU ARE 21 THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN CALLER ID FOR YOU. TWAT." During this ridiculous conversation, she pictures him holding a riding crop (if he doesn't have a riding crop in the sex dungeon we can already tell he has I will shit myself). He's pissed off that she is drunk and tells her he's coming to pick her up. She hangs up on him without tell him where she is.

Despite the fact that what she's had to drink already tonight should have left her unconscious, she is only just now starting to feel sick. She goes outside to get some fresh air and is followed by Jose. Jose, it turns out, is a fucking douchebag. He takes full advantage of her intoxication to grab her and try to force her to kiss him while she is very clearly telling him no and struggling to get away. It's the rapiest kissing scene ever, but you guys - YOU GUYS! GUESS HOW IT ENDS. From the shadows comes an authoritative voice, "I think the lady said no." OH MY FUUUUCK STALKER GUY TO THE RESCUE! LIFE IS A MOTHERFUCKING FAIRYTALE! I wish the force was a real thing so I could crush her trachea with my mind.

She throws up all over everything until she is dry heaving. Christian is pissed off that she is so irresponsible and tells her he's taking her home. She, sensibly, says she has to tell Kate she's going first. When they go back inside, Kate is on the dance floor. The nonsense begins again. Christian, who had been dragging her out the door five seconds ago, decides to 1. go to the bar and order himself a beer and 2. take Ana's hand and lead her onto the dance floor. She can't dance, of course, but somehow, despite being fall down drunk, with Christian she dances great! Is it him? Is it the drinking? IS IT MAGIC? No one knows, but what I do know is this author has never been drunk in her life, because anyone who has knows there is no way any of this would have happened. Given how much she'd had to drink and the fact that she has no tolerance whatsoever, Ana should be passed out in the bush with vomit crusted in her hair before her stalker in shining armor ever gets there, and she may or may not still have pants on. Instead she passes out at the end of the chapter in Christian's arms and now I am going to vomit as well.

She wakes up in Chapter 5 in Grey's hotel room suite (he is very rich). Next to her is some Advil and a glass of orange juice, and she finds this controlling rather than considerate. I scream at the book "the controlling part is where he took you to HIS HOTEL ROOM INSTEAD OF HOME YOU JACKASS." He comes in the room fresh from a workout and his sweatpants are, you guessed it, hanging off his hips (3). Somehow he smells like body wash (2) AND sweat at the same time. She asks how she got there and he makes up some complete bullshit about how he couldn't take her home because he was afraid she'd throw up in the car, as if he doesn't have 173 other cars standing by to use while that one gets detailed (or all the leather gets replaced. Whatever mega rich people do to fix car vomit, I don't know). He yells at her for being irresponsible for a while because she needs this since she doesn't have a real daddy, "Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday." (emphasis mine) She calls him a disciplinarian, he retorts that she has no idea, my eyeballs explode and fire billows from the empty sockets. My note: "Foreshadowing shutupshutupshutup FUCK YOU SPANKING REFERENCES EVERYWHERE." Page 68 contains the SECOND reference to her medulla oblongata and I want to choke her, her editor, her friends that encouraged her to write her thoughts down, Stephanie Meyers whose fault it is that this exists, her husband for not shooting down all of her dreams, and everyone who told me I should read this book, even ironically.

It is at this point that I very nearly write a completely different post saying that I can't read this anymore. She goes on a protracted description of her feelings (she has discovered desire. She's never desired anything before. Eat me.) and makes the rookie mistake of confusing a stalker's obsession for caring about her, a mistake that in real life has gotten people killed many many times. She calls him a romantic hero, going so far as to compare him to Sir Lancelot. At the same time, she continues to try and convince herself that he is not interested in her. He slept in bed next to her all night and never touched her. What other explanation can there be? I can't take this. He stalks her, kidnaps her, and she is UPSET that he draws the line at rape. I can't feel anything but contempt for this character.

She takes a shower and uses his body wash (3) which, she tells the reader, SMELLS LIKE HIM. ORLY? WOW.

After she's showered and changed into the new clothes his assistant has run out and bought for her (she is "in awe" of the underwear. AWE. UNDERWEAR.), she finds him sitting at the breakfast table. He has ordered everything on the menu because he didn't know what she likes and because it's important that we know he's rich. My cousin Simmy pointed out that this scene is entirely ripped off from Pretty Woman. They have an uncomfortable conversation. He explains that he found her because "you can track anyone's cell phone on the internet". That sounded terrifying to me, so I did some research. While it's true you can trace the location of a mobile phone using Google Latitude, the phone you want to trace has to actually be set up by its owner to enable this sort of tracking. At this point I have officially done twice as much research for this book than its author did. He also mentions that he is not going to touch her until he has written consent to do so. This has now gone beyond foreshadowing to blatant spoilers inside her own book. There are so many annoying thing that happen in this conversation I don't know where to begin:

• "That's very profligate of you." WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND FUCK YOUR THESAURUS ALREADY? JESUS.
• He looks sullen, like a small boy. ALL DOMS ARE DAMAGED. I KNOW. YOU ALREADY TOLD US THIS A HUNDRED TIMES.
• "'Not having....sex.' There I said the word." Ana, if you can't even say the word "sex" out loud, you are in no way prepared for the shit he's been threatening to drop on you since the second you tripped into his office. IN. NO. WAY.
• She can't understand why he'd be interested in her. Honestly, I can't either. Here's what we know about her so far: She is irresponsible. She takes no ownership for her own behavior and blames others for all her misfortune. She has no plans for her future other than moving to Seattle and continuing to live off of Kate. She has no real hobbies, skills, or talent of any kind. She is naive to the point of absurdity. She's so socially inept I assume she must have been the inspiration for the socially awkward penguin meme. And up until a bike almost ran her over last week she has had the sexual drive and interest of a half dead amoeba. She has to be stunningly attractive because there is absolutely no other explanation of why someone like Christian Grey would give one ounce of fuck about her.
• In the elevator he loses fucking control and kisses the living shit out of her. And then continues riding in the elevator like that didn't just happen. She wonders whether he is totally unaffected by her presence, having apparently forgotten that she's just said this two seconds ago: "His erection is against my belly." NO,  I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ARE HAVING AN EFFECT. Additionally there is another example of the author forgetting what she'd written earlier. "I have never been kissed like this." No, shit for brains, you have never been kissed AT ALL. You made a REALLY BIG DEAL out of that earlier in the book. TAKE SOME FUCKING NOTES.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for encouraging me to finish reading this asshattery and welcome any new readers, especially the ones from Crasstalk. Y'all made me feel really special with your compliments and/or demands for more and you've made this incredible torture worth it. Mostly. It's REALLY bad, though.

50 Screams of Hate

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

The very first note I wrote about this book reads as follows:

"Page 1: First two sentences!!! I immediately dislike this."

The next note reads:

"Entire first paragraph fucking blows."

This book opens with the main character, Ana, standing in front of a mirror and complaining because ohmigod her hair just won't behave! I instantly hate her. She continues to do this through the entire paragraph and also tells us her blue eyes are too big for her face. I already know this is going to be a theme and I HATE women who act like this - the exaggerated self-deprecating compliment fishing behavior of the insecure and self-obsessed. Oh you have big beautiful blue eyes? I FEEL SO FUCKING SORRY FOR YOU.

I am further alienated from the main character in the second paragraph. She is hating on herself in the mirror because her roommate, Kate, was supposed to do an interview for the school paper, but now Ana has to do it because Kate has inconsiderately come down with the flu. My note on this says "Kate has the flu - WHAT A BITCH". Poor, poor Ana has to drive 165 miles to interview some super rich powerful guy and she has finals to study for! Oh dear! I have no sympathy for this character. The idea of saying "No, I have to study" has not even occurred to her. Ana is a whiny fucking moron. I feel badly for Kate, though, because she is sick and because she has an ass for a roommate.

That's the first page.

The meeting of the two main characters of the book is based on an entirely implausible premise. Kate is the editor of the school paper. Since she can't do the interview she inexplicably asks Ana to do it, despite the fact that Ana has no interviewing experience and doesn't even work on the fucking paper. In no universe does an editor do something like this - a real life editor would send another actual writer. I was explaining this to H-town, with whom I attended college and who went on to be a real live journalist!, and she pointed out that even that was unlikely because a normal person would have rescheduled the interview. An editor must have pointed this out, because it is made very explicit that it took 9 MONTHS to get him to agree to this interview and THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER CHANCE, which still doesn't explain why she would send her non-writing painfully awkward roommate instead of someone with a goddamn clue.

While this ridiculously contrived storyline is being laid out, two other things are happening: Ana is constantly describing how perfect Kate is at EVERYTHING EVER, and so much foreshadowing there is practically no reason to bother reading the rest of the book. Kate, by the way, who I initially was sympathetic towards, is a college student who drives a Mercedes so now I hate her as well. This revelation is also the point (page 2!) where I encounter the first of so, so many asinine sentences I still can't believe actually got published: "Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I hit the pedal to the metal." My note next to that sentence reads "Go die."

So she goes to the interview and there is so much foreshadowing you could trip over it. The building is intimidating, all the office workers are perfect, everyone's outfit is immaculate, Ana feels out of place because she is so awkward and plain and her clothes aren't right at all. I come across an instance of unnecessary hyperbole that makes me throw up in my mouth a little, when she describes the elevator she's in as traveling at "terminal velocity". I'm no professional writer, but if you're writing an entire novel, nay, THREE OF THEM, it's probably best to save the hyperbolic descriptions for things that actually advance the fucking plot. I've read better writing than this when I was on the staff of the creative writing magazine at my high school.

Anywhore, she is admitted to his office and immediately trips and falls flat on her face because OF COURSE SHE DOES, SHE IS TOTES THE MOST AWKWARD GIRL, LIKE, EVAR. She then proceeds to make a complete ass of herself because she has done zero research on this guy whatsoever, nor has she read any of the questions Kate has written, a point which confuses me because a few paragraphs earlier she had taken the questions out of her backpack while she waited in the lobby, so I guess she just spaced out and forgot to look at them? This kind of bullshit where the author seems to forget what she wrote two pages ago happens repeatedly. Ana's atrocious lack of preparedness is all Kate's fault, by the way. Kate should have briefed her. Kate should have told her how young he was and that he was totes the hottest guy who has ever lived. Ana is incapable of taking any sort of responsibility for herself and also has never fucking heard of Google. I hate her with the hatiest of hates.

The foreshadowing is out of friggin control. She shakes his hand and it is electrifying. She chalks this up to static because we are supposed to think she is so innocent and naive. He is the most gorgeous man in existence. He is also an arrogant, controlling prick. The entire dynamic of their future relationship (which everyone reading knows is coming because it COULD NOT BE MORE CLEAR) is established. Additionally, I am now filled with moral outrage because she has right off the bat thrown both of her main characters into stereotypical, one-dimensional caricatures of people who participate in D/s relationships: all subs are insecure mousy little creatures who could never figure their life out on their own; all Doms are arrogant outrageous control freaks who need to dominate EVERY SINGLE THING AND PERSON IN THEIR LIVES AT ALL TIMES. Pay attention, because this is important: both of those archetypes are COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT YOU GUYS. So far she is not mainstreaming and legitimising a subculture, she is undermining it by reinforcing the crap people already believe. I am now wholly convinced the only research she did for this book was to look up "BDSM" on Wikipedia and skim the first paragraph.

After the disaster of an interview which allegedly went over the allotted time, even though based on the dialogue seems like it couldn't have taken longer than 10 minutes, she gets up to leave and then more abominations of writing happen. There is another electrifying handshake which she assumes is her nerves because at 21 years old she is entirely unfamiliar with what sexual attraction feels like. He gets up to open the door with "lithe athletic grace" in case we weren't already sure he was the most beautiful man in all of history. As he does this, he says "Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Steele" because remember how she fell before? Well, just in case you forgot something she made a huge deal about SEVEN PAGES AGO she follows this line with "Obviously, he's referring to my earlier less-than-elegant entry into his office." Congratulations, you are are correct! That was completely obvious! It was so obvious that there was NO FUCKING REASON FOR YOU TO POINT OUT ITS OBVIOUSNESS, other than to reiterate that you are super duper clumsy and awkward which we already know because YOU KEEP TELLING US ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I hate her.

The second chapter starts with her RUNNING FRANTICALLY from the building and then hyperventilating for a while in the parking lot to give her time to complain AGAIN about how it's all because of Kate that she showed up for an interview entirely unprepared. My note on this reads "Why is she running? Why is it Kate's fault? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS?!?" She drives home while obsessing about this guy in minute foreshadowy detail: "Some of his answers were so cryptic - as if he had a hidden agenda."(emphasis mine) HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I WONDER IF HE'S PLOTTING SOMETHING IT IS SO HARD TO TELL. Hey, did you notice how controlling he is? And gorgeous? Like the most on the planet? Ana did! She'll tell you all about it! Again! My note: "Please tell me more about how you think he's arrogant and hot!" She gets home and Kate is wearing pajamas. She will describe these pajamas to you more than once. I can't be arsed. Kate is perfect by the way. Kate doesn't think Ana should go to work because she's already had a long day and working will make her tired! Ana goes to work anyway so we will know she is a martyr.

This is where we find out about her job. Ana works at a hardware store. Ana has learned a little bit about hardware because she works at a hardware store. She has NOT, however, learned enough about hardware to ever be able to use any of it because she totes sucks at it. She's a GIRL, you guys. Girls can't work hammers. She needs her dad to do it for her. Dads are men. They know how to hammer. I want to hammer her into a pancake.


When she gets home she eye-fucks her roommate some more: "She arches a perfect eyebrow at me." Perfect Kate has the audacity to ask her questions about the interview she went on AS A FAVOR TO KATE. And Ana has to answer her because she has no power to decide what she does and doesn't get to talk about. Kate wishes they'd thought to get a photo of him because she hasn't foreshadowed anything in two whole sentences and we need some sort of plot device to put Ana and Christian in the same room again so she can remind us how uncomfortable it makes her.

We get some background on Ana's family. Her mom gets married a lot, it seems - she's on husband number four right now. Ana phones her dad, who isn't her bio dad but is her first step dad and she considers him her real dad. Two things here: I am absolutely stunned that she doesn't give any detail here AT ALL about where her biological dad is. And I am back to moral outrage because she's feeding (ridiculously inaccurate) stereotypes AGAIN: all future subs have daddy issues. IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR HOW THEY GOT THAT WAY. I hate everything.

The next day Ana goes to work, as you do, and while she's sitting there doing work she looks up and HOLY TITTYFUCKING PENGUIN FINS CHRISTIAN GREY IS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. My reaction: Christian Grey is a fucking stalker. RUN ANA RUN. Ana's reaction: Whoa, that is super weird, he must be in town on business! I can't believe he just happened to walk into the store I work in! WHAT ARE THE ODDS? No one is this naive in real life, are they? They can't be. I can't live in a world where people are this oblivious. She marvels at this "coincidence" hardcore y'all, and reminds us once again that he is SO WAY THE SEXIEST. She compares his voice to chocolate fudge caramel. It is a horrible sentence and I write in my notes "I hate you. I hate you SO HARD" I would tell you more about what a horrible sentence it is, but shortly after it there is a paragraph with two sentences that absolutely should not exist:

1. With my heart almost strangling me - because it's in my throat trying to escape from my mouth - I head down one of the aisles to the electrical section.

2. And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. I want to throw this entire paragraph off a cliff.

So here is what Christian Grey comes to the hardware store to buy: cable ties, masking tape, rope. It's a goddamn BDSM shopping list. STOP FORESHADOWING EVERYTHING. STOP IT. STOP. He also gets all dark and angry when some other dude shows up and hugs her because, again, the way it works is every Dom in the whole world gets super mad if anyone else touches the girl they have their eye on. THIS IS HOW IT HAS TO BE.

The chapter ends with the two of them discussing how Kate wants a photo and he tells her he'd be happy to sit for a photoshoot (WHO KNEW?) and so now Ana needs to find a photographer. A few pages before this, we were introduced to her friend Jose who hearts her but she only hearts him like a brother and GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. Jose is a photographer. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING HER WRITING IS SO MYSTERIOUS.

At the start of chapter 3, everything happens exactly the way you've already been told it was going to happen. Also Kate is still perfect. The guy she works with who has liked her forever asks her out again. She turns him down and she flat out fucking tells you it's because he's not just like someone in a fairytale: "Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he's no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination." My note: "You are a total cunt Ana." In the very next line she wonders if Grey IS like a literary hero. In fact she asks herself this. Or rather "...my subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised." I officially want to light myself on fire.

The next day they do the photoshoot and she gets to stare at him and talk about how magical he looks. And then after that - gasp! - he asks her out for coffee on a date! HOLY CURVEBALL, BATMAN, I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING. I wish foreshadowing was a physical object because I want to stab it SO HARD. Oh wait, I skipped a thing (this is why you take notes, kids). In this chapter on page 36, while she's reminding us that Christian is rich and Kate is beautiful, I come across the first instance of  a description of his clothes I have been assured will be repeated until I give up and dig my eyes out with a spoon: "...gray flannel pants that hang from his hips." I will be counting, at *friends*'s request, how many times she says this and how many times she talks about bodywash. Anyway, they are going out for coffee right fucking now. She makes a ridiculously big deal about what it's like to walk down a hallway with him. He takes her hand to cross the street and she writes "No one has ever held my hand" so I write back "Oh fuck you". You are a senior in college and you have never held hands with ANYONE? EVER? I don't believe you. You don't exist. Amish kids get fresher than that. Page 42 he is seriously so hot, you have no idea. And his pants hang from his hips (2). He asks if Jose is her boyfriend to reminds us that Doms are ALWAYS jealous and then tells her what a mystery she is. I want to give him this book to read and tell him "Don't worry, she will tell you EVERYTHING in here." You guys. He is a control freak. Also Kate is beautiful. THIS BOOK COULD BE HALF AS LONG AS THIS WHAT THE FUCK.

They start talking about her family, and I find out what I was wondering earlier - her biological dad died when she was a baby, which explains everything. However, when she asks similar questions he doesn't want to talk about his family. UH OH I WONDER IF HE'S HIDING SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HIS FAMILY AND ALSO IF THAT'S WHAT TURNED HIM INTO A BAD BAD MAN. Five year olds write stories that are less obvious than this one. I hate you.

Chapter 3 ends with him walking her back to her Kate's car after coffee. Despite living in Portland for four fucking years she walks out in front of a bike and he has to pull her out of the street to keep her from accidentally hipsterciding herself. She lands in his arms because I am reading a Harlequin novel and, oh there it is! His bodywash (1) is fucking intoxicating! How goddamn amazing, the man takes showers with soap! He asks if she's ok and creepily caresses her face and she tells the readers that this is the first time, ever, in her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, she has ever wanted to be kissed. Ever. EVER. I'm going to stick scissors in my ear because of this book. My note is angry, incredulous: "Eat ALL of the dicks."

This is as far as I am going to be able to get tonight. I am concerned I might not get a whole lot further at all. I am trying hard to stick with it long enough to get to a sex scene so I can eviscerate it, but the next time her character uses "taciturn" out loud to describe someone or any other phrase that is only there so she can prove that she knows big words I am going to lose my shit. I hate everything right now.

50 Heaves of Puke

Ok, I know I owe you another post about my time in Pittsburgh because there were drag queens and I was dressed like a slut and we watched porn and I swear I will get back to it.

BUT.

I have been asked recently by about a dozen people whether I have read Fifty Shades of Grey. It's not an unreasonable question. Even people who casually read this blog  know that I am a reader of books and that I am all about the sexy time. Some people who know me even better than that know that I also write about the sexy time (elsewhere, not here) and that said sexy time is not entirely unlike the type of sexy time that is contained in this book. Also because everyone else is reading it.

Up til now I hadn't read it, for two reasons:

• A book becoming super crazy popular overnight such that OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DOING IT makes me immediately not want to read that book (see: The DaVinci Code, The Hunger Games, any of the Twilight books)
• Based on my own experiences of people reading MY writing, it seemed unlikely that a book with such mass appeal was going to be an accurate representation of BDSM culture and I almost certainly wouldn't like it.

A few people had tried to encourage me to read it by pointing out that bringing an historically hidden subculture into the mainstream was probably a good thing and I thought, eh, maybe. They also pointed out that if I didn't like it, I could always skewer it here on Bizzybiz, which you probably guessed from the "up til now" statement above I am about to do (this is called foreshadowing. I will discuss foreshadowing at length very soon), but at the time it still wasn't enough for me to take the leap. What finally changed my mind was when my *friend* (she has appeared frequently on this blog, but I haven't asked her permission to talk about this yet so I need to wait to tell you who it is) got it as a gift and said to me "You have to read this. It is TERRIBLE."

So, last night I started reading 50 Shades of Grey, with the expectation that I wouldn't like it and for the express purpose of saying mean things about it on this blog.

I was entirely blindsided by how earth shatteringly awful this book actually is. I had a notebook on me to take notes so I could remember what I didn't like about it. After ONE chapter I had two pages of notes, largely written in all caps and containing insightful criticisms such as "I hate everyone in this book" and "Go die". After TWO chapters I was actually yelling. Out loud. At a book. Halfway through the third chapter I realized I was taking notes about every single page and went downstairs to try and buy a copy I could write in, but the book store was sold out of it and I knew humanity was doomed.

So here's the deal. I am going to read and review this book for you guys. The temptation is to do chapter by chapter summaries, but that is what Mark from Mark Reads (a project that started with Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To) and is fucking amazing) pioneered and does an incredible job of on his website, so I'm going to do my very best not to write it like that because stealing isn't nice. There are going to be spoilers all over the place, so if you're one of the people out there who has just been DYING to read this but hasn't had the time, I would suggest not reading this. Or do read it to avoid completely wasting your time because oh my god. Whatever works for you. I may post photos of my notes, or instead cite a few of them if I start taking notes in the actual book because there are so damn many of them. It is also very likely that I may give up in the middle of this book, given that I haven't finished three whole chapters and I already want to throw it into a fire.

One last warning and this one is mostly for my family (since my co-workers already know this shit): it is extremely likely that I will compare and contrast scenes in this book to scenes related to my own experience. It is probably more than you EVER want to know about me (if you don't believe me, ask BrownsFan). So if you are at all related to me and/or are desperate to avoid any spoilers, you will want to skip any post in which the title starts with "50". Got it?

Great! Away we go!

A Weekend In Pittsburgh - Day 1

I went to Pittsburgh this past weekend because my phone is an asshole.

For the record, I still hate my iPhone. I even went so far as to name it "Asshole Phone" so every time I connect it with iTunes it asks me if I want to update things on my asshole phone. On this particular day I was hating my phone because it allows me to be recklessly impulsive. Earlier in the day, I had been insisting to StereoNinja that Ben Folds is the greatest lyricist ever because he is. I was thinking about it on the way home and started wondering if he had any shows coming up in Chicago. But wait! I have an iPhone now, I don't have to wonder! A quick search showed me that he did NOT have any Chicago events coming up. What he DID have was a concert in Pittsburgh with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra on Memorial Day weekend. I have always wanted to see Ben Folds play with an orchestra. I found myself wondering if there were cheap flights to Pittsburgh that weekend. Asshole phone told me that there was. Before I knew what was happening to me I'd bought tickets to the show and booked a flight. I was still on the fucking train, and I had impulsively planned an entire trip on my way home from work, in a situation where if I didn't have a fucking iPhone I would have had to wait until I got home and probably talked myself out of it. It was only when I did finally get home that it occurred to me I had not bothered to check with TupperDoug to see if he was even going to be in town. Stupid phone. Luckily he was available.

I have been to Pittsburgh many times, but this was my first time actually flying there. It turns out they have a very nice if somewhat confusing airport. Not confusing as in difficult to navigate, confusing as in what the fuck is happening here? On the way to baggage claim, I was greeted by two similarly sized statues appearing to be of equal importance. The one on the right is of George Washington, leader of the revolution and the first President of the United States of America. The statue on the left is of Franco Harris, who was a tailback with the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 70's and early 80's. Apparently in Pittsburgh those two occupations are roughly the same.

football players = the founding fathers

I was still struggling to process that when I got to the bottom of the escalator and discovered the skeleton of a T-Rex for apparently no reason at all.

Welcome to Pittsburgh, bitch.

I hadn't seen TupperDoug since Simmy's wedding nearly 7 years ago and I hadn't been to Pittsburgh for several years longer than that. This turned out to be irrelevant: from the moment he picked me up from the airport it was as though we'd just seen each other yesterday, right down to our traditional game of What Do You Want To Do I Don't Know What Do You Want To Do. Before we did anything though, we went home to his new house so we could drop off my stuff and I could finally meet his partner, Ron Jeremy (not the actual Ron Jeremy. What happened was we were talking about how all of this was going to end up on the blog and I mentioned that he'd get to pick his own blog name since we were discussing it before hand and how that was good because then he wouldn't get saddled with something stupid like MrBalls or StereoNinja. He said he'd think about it. Later we were watching a Showtime show called Dave's Old Porn (which we will get back to in a minute) and it was jokingly suggested that his blog name be Ron Jeremy. We laughed about it, but he never did get back to me about what he'd like to be called, so...he's Ron Jeremy. Thankfully, he in no way resembles the actual Ron Jeremy.) and have a drink while we decided what to do. Ron Jeremy was concerned that 11 a.m. might be too early to start drinking, which TupperDoug and I found completely hilarious and so rum was poured. This is also when TupperDoug brought out his photos (the only ones known to exist) from the Legendary Night of Christmas Eve Eve, which are even more ridiculous that I remember (this may be because I don't remember half of them because I was passed out on the bathroom floor with no shirt on).

After playing catch up on what's been going on for the last 7 years (i.e. I am still slutty but now with more public nudity and trapeze classes; TupperDoug has literally become the "damn kids get off my lawn" guy and yells at kids for being on his lawn), we noticed we were hungry so off we went to drink beer in a church.

The Church Brew Works is exactly what you think it is: a building that was once a church but is now a microbrewery. What makes it special is how little they have changed the building. Arches, a narthex, pew seating, the nave, stained glass windows have all been maintained. The brew kettles sit on the completely intact altar, perfect since I more or less worship craft beer (ok, more). I went the Saaz Monster because it said "monster" in the name and was described as hoppy, an IPA, and a taste of the Coconut Stout because coconuts. Also there was food, but my point is, beer in a church.

That evening, TupperDoug and I went to the Ben Folds show as per the pointplaying it with the Western Australia Symphony Orchestra which will give you some idea of how it works even though it sounds nothing at all like the version we heard.

After the show we found ourselves in that weird state people our age tend to get in, where you're too jacked up to go to sleep but far too tired to go out. I used this to my advantage and began phase one of what has been my super secret sinister plan all along - to turn America into Britain. I started with getting them hooked on some of the finer television shows BBC America has to offer, first Top Gear and then a sci fi classic. I e-mailed one of my friends in England: "I am introducing [TupperDoug] and [Ron Jeremy] to Dr. Who. I am on a mission to make everybody English. Send scones." David Tennant and his crazy eyes kept us up past two in the morning, proving once again that Dr. Who has magical powers.

Next up: Pittsburgh Day 2 - The Weirdness Continues