Sunday, February 17, 2013

How I Celebrated Valentine's Day

Right, so I hope everyone had a happy Valentine's Day or whatever, love, roses, blah blah blah. The bartender seemed to think it was also "sabotage your roommate who has to be naked on stage in four months day" and the house is now fucking full of candy.

As some of you already know, I hate Valentine's Day with only slightly less passion than I love Christmas. It's almost like it was specifically set up to be a no win situation. If you're single and sad about it, the entire day is like getting stabbed repeatedly with a magical dull knife called the Knife of Loneliness that turns your unhappiness into physical pain. If you're single and happy about it, tough luck pal, enjoy being excluded from absolutely everything today and by the way, just wanted to remind you that everyone else in the whole entire world is looking down on your personal choices because if you're happy AND single something is obviously wrong with you. Being in a relationship doesn't help you either. There are requirements that must be met: flowers, candy, an unreasonably expensive dinner, jewelry, or some particular combination of these things is expected of you and god help you if you get it wrong because not only does it mean you're not having sex tonight/this week/until your birthday and then only grudgingly but it is also obvious that YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL WAAAHHHHHH. That isn't love, it's extortion. And don't even get me started on how shitty it is to be in a long distance relationship on Magical Togetherness Day because there is no better reminder than a Skype chat that you are not actually anywhere near the person you most want to be near.

No matter what my relationship status is in a given year, Valentine's Day never applies to me: I don't like getting flowers because they're dead, I don't need or want jewelry and don't give enough fucks to ever wear any, I have anxiety attacks in large crowds and under no circumstances is it a good idea for me to go out to dinner that day, and if it's true you are what you eat I'm basically made out of candy to begin with.

My favorite thing from this Valentine's Day was my friend Erin's exchange with her girlfriend as she was rushing out the door on her way to work:

Girlfriend: Oh yeah, I forgot, happy Valentine's Day.
Erin: (stares blankly for a few seconds) Shut up.

The bottom line is, if you're not showing your affection and appreciation for someone every day without being prompted, you're doing it wrong, and Valentine's Day is not going to fix that.

Anyway, none of that is even the point. The post is called "How I Celebrated Valentine's Day", not "Why Valentine's Day is a Soul Sucking Waste of Time and Money Designed to Make Your Life Seem Way Worse Than it Really Is". And I celebrated Valentine's Day by doing the most awesome thing possible: I went to the 10th anniversary of Michelle L'Amour's Big Sexy Show at the Part West. Alone, because even if you do the most awesome thing possible you can't escape the fact of life that Valentine's Day is meant to remind you that you've failed.

The show was amazeballs because there is basically no chance for it not to be - it's called MICHELLE L'AMOUR'S BIG SEXY SHOW for crying out loud. And to be fair, while I did arrive and leave alone, I didn't spend the show alone, as I happened to sit next to the boyfriend of a girl I have class with who was also by himself because said girlfriend was a stage hand in the show. FYI, whenever someone asks you how you got interested in being a burlesque dancer, "Spite" is never going to be the answer they were expecting.  Anyway, Cameron Esposito hosted, and if you've never seen her perform, I suggest you do so immediately. Michelle did the cutest number with pink balloons in which all of her clothes floated away. The Chicago Starlets did a super cool number with most of the girls dressed as french artists who were strategically holding up pieces of paper that covered the important parts of the other two girls (plus Michelle) who were otherwise not dressed at all. There was a magician and a belly dancer.

And then there was Mr. Gorgeous.

Michelle had told us that Mr. Gorgeous was going to be in the show a few weeks earlier. "He does this act...I can't describe it. He's about 6'4" and he has this're just going to have to see it." I honestly can't do a better job at describing it than that. He is a giant, and sort of clumsy, but in a completely deliberate way that is actually not clumsy at all, and is awkward in the most awesome possible way and he is THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN AND I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN WHY. Just go watch this and be amazed. And then when you're done, watch this one in which he is the Jolly Green Giant and OH MY GOD THE PEAS. He is a genius.

Anyway, the Big Sexy Show was big. And sexy. And great. And Valentine's Day still sucks.


Jen Summers said...

The Spy and I don't do Valentine's day. Well, we find each other the most trashy, tasteless card possible, but that's it. This year, his said "Valentine, you have my nuts." Someone pitched that idea in a meeting, with swivelly chairs and a long black glass table, someone stood up and was all: "Uh, yeah, so this year I think the card should be a shitty doodle of a squirrel with the tagline 'Valentine, you have my nuts' because there's nothing women like better than feeling like they're emasculating their boyfriends until they're tiny babymen eunuchs.'

Shut your whore mouth, Valentine's Day.

Anyway, the first link is broken. A bit cruel really, Amber, it linked to my blog dashboard and for one glorious, terrifying moment I thought you'd linked my blog. COMPLETELY FUCKING ILLOGICAL, I know, but all the blood rushed to my face and it was a whole thing. The other link works though. I watched it. I even giggled. That guy seems to have his whole act perfected and individualised. That's really impressive. Also, he's sexy. Even in a shiny green skullcap.

He could just be lucky. My only other experience with burlesque has been the musical Gypsy starring Bette Midler, and the US smash motion picture 'Burlesque' starring Christina Aguilera as the tinest human being on the planet.

amberance said...

Ack! Ok, try it now, hopefully I've fixed it.

What we ARE celebrating, since I happen to be in town for it, is Steak and Blow Job Day: IT IS A MUCH BETTER HOLIDAY. I love, um, steak. Yeah.

Jen Summers said...

Yes, it works now! He's great, I think I need to stalk him for a while online. Just a little while, nothing long term, no need to, you know, warn him or anything.

Steak and BJ day is EVERY day in Spy/Jen household.

I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing, that's such a blatant lie I feel the light on the middle of my forehead starting to grow. (To clarify, when I was young my mother used to tell me that a red light would appear on my forehead every time I told her a lie. Oh, and only she could see it.)

We have - let me see - Morning Sex Monday, Don't Touch me Tuesday, Shower Sex Wet Wednesday, Thursday is for Pizza and he better not try to touch me, Friday is for drunken Nighttime Sex, Saturday is for doing public activities involving being fully dressed. Saturday night is Fumble during Film but only over the sweater action. Sunday is the motherfucking Lord's day, and the Spy doesn't get jack shit. I wear pjs all day. That is what Sundays are for. PJs and eating jelly babies.

I have never heard of S&BJ day. I think I will do it and earn myself 1000 brownie points.

I'm terribly bored this evening, as you may have guessed from my copious and punctual replies. Stupid Sundays. Everyone's asleep already.

Paul Anthony Shortt said...

My wife and I actively avoid all things Valentine's Day. We can't stand it and have real trouble understanding people who let themselves get so damn worked up over it.

Lasenna said...

Hahahahahaha, thanks for sharing Mr. Gorgeous and the Peas. That was awesome.

Seriously I've seen so many interesting sites through this blog. I'm so glad I went desperately searching for anyone who shared my scathing contempt for all things 50 Shades 6 months ago. At last a haven for those who want to barf while everyone else was fawning over it.

The best thing for V-Day is to tell your paramour ...seriously... that you don't want to do ANYTHING for V-Day. "Let's just skip it because I don't want candy, flowers, or junk and would rather have the money available for something else." That first year he may tentatively still try to surprise you with something, desperately hoping that he's not in trouble for not doing something bigger. After he finds out that you really DID do nothing, he'll be as happy as you during your next V-Day when you spend it like any other day of the year. It takes so much of the pressure and headache out of the holiday.