Apologies And Recommendations

I seem to be having something of a motivational problem at the moment. Partly this is due to the increasing obviousness that I am in the wrong country and partly because I seem to have come back to a crap ton of actual work to do whilst at work. Mostly, though, it's because I read books that I actually enjoyed when I was abroad, and then another one when I got home (I had been waiting for its publication for YEARS, or so it seemed) and, you guys, it is SO HARD to look at that third book sitting on my dresser, knowing the atrocities that await me, and have ANY DESIRE to actually pick it up and look at it. I promise you I will. And I also promise you I will write about those awesome bits of my trip that can actually be shared here. I'm just not sure when. I haven't forgotten you, I swear.

In case you are looking for something hilarious to read (which many of you have complained that you are), the book I just finished is brilliant. It is called This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude Don't Touch It, and if that sounds like an incredibly stupid book for me to be reading, don't worry. The book doesn't contain any actual spiders. Yes, I know that's what it says. Rule number one about David Wong: he lies. His name isn't even David Wong. This book is the sequel to his previous motherfucking amazing book John Dies at the End, which was originally published on his blog as a web series. Both books are the greatest mashup of horror/sci-fi and dick/fart jokes to have ever been penned.

I can also recommend the book Micro, which I absolutely inhaled on the flight home. It's the piece Michael Crichton was working on when he died, and was finished by Richard Preston. But be warned: Unlike This Book Is Full of Spiders, Micro actually has a spider in it. And a centipede. Also, you'll never look at ants the same way again. But it's good.

Speaking of spiders, last night one of them decided to zip line himself down from the ceiling in the bathroom just as I was about to wash me hands. He was two inches from my shoulder before I saw him. Luckily, the bartender knows a spider emergency based on the tone of my voice screams and he came in and rescued me pretty quickly, but we only have the one bathroom in our apartment and I have NO IDEA where I'm supposed to pee now.

Real posts from me are coming, I SWEAR TO XENU.

My Triumphant Return

Hey guys! Allow me to offer my deepest apologies for going A.W.O.L. for two weeks. In this particular instance, AWOL refers to "amberance wasn't online" and the reason for that is not my hotel, nor my beautiful Sulu, nor my paramour seem to realize that wireless connectivity is essential for life. I used what little global roaming data I had trying to find something in Wales that turned out to be right next to where I started, checking on trains, and locating a Chipotle in Camden (which was filled with American students and as far as I could tell not one single English person). Sorry to all the people I wanted to meet who follow me on this blog and on Twitter, I simply had no way to contact any of you while I was over, and I promise to do much better next time (which will be February) because I intend to get myself a UK based phone for use when I am in the UK, because it's a lot (I am looking at three trips next year).

I owe you the last 50 Shades Darker post, which I will work on and get up in the next few days, and of course recaps of my time abroad (the short version: I drank a lot, lost my camera, cried over a scale model of Hogwarts, attended two birthday parties and a wedding, got lost in Wales, found myself in Forbidden Planet, and made excellent use of the four poster bed in my hotel room). And then I suppose it will be time to start in on the third installment of the Nonsense Chronicles. I can't tell you how nice it was to not have to look at those books AT ALL for two entire weeks.

Oh how I have missed you, internets.