Wednesday, September 19, 2007

If That's Moving Up Than I'm Moving Out

My boyfriend, the agent, is getting ready to move next week, and I'm not sure I like the change in neighbors. Right now he lives next door to a guy I call American Idol. American Idol amuses the hell out of me. I've never seen the guy. I have heard him though, because he sings very loudly, very badly and very often. He really means it too. He sings huge epic Celine Dion type songs in a wobbly vibrato that is only slightly off key. His music is best enjoyed from the bathroom which seems to be directly opposite his bedroom. He will be missed.

On the other side, there is La Casa Fiesta. They always have something to celebrate, which they do by encouraging the kids to run around half the night to the sounds of pre-recorded mariachis. I frequently have inexplicable urges to go out and buy maracas.

Directly above the agent live the Lead People. At first I assumed giants must be living up there, based on the heavy sound of their walking. Then I saw them coming up the back stairs and they appear to be normal sized. This is how I surmised they must be made of lead, because their outside appearance couldn't account for the extreme loudness of their footfalls. I told the agent about it and urged him not to lick them; understandably he balked at this comment, as he's not in the habit of licking his neighbors.

Though all these people can be slightly annoying at times, such as when I'm trying to sleep, they are all quite charming compared to the new neighbor I encountered on my first visit to see the new place. After the agent took me on the tour we went out the back door. I looked up and saw The Biggest Spider I Have Ever Seen In My Life*. "Ok," I said, "THAT has to go or I am never ever coming back here again." Even the agent, friend of all living creatures, agreed that it was exceptionally huge. I ran from the porch like it was on fire and stood by the car watching it spin its GIANT web. The agent came to check on me, but I had already crossed the threshold into full on crazy: "Look at it! It's as big as my fist!" The next time we went over it was gone, but I don't know. You can't trust those monsters.

All in all, though I'll miss the vocal stylings of American Idol and head shattering percussion of the Lead People, as long as the spiders stay away, I'm very excited about the new place. Stay away from me spiders.

*Live. Thanks to Eric for the e-mail containing a photo of a camel spider from Iraq. That thing was like a freaking lobster and the sight prevented me from eating for an entire day.


monogodo said...

You'll be happy to know that our 8-year old pet tarantula, Fifi, has died. Management at our loft building disregarded the warning not to spray for pests and killed it.

They were, however, nice enough to pay for a replacement. And since the supplier was having a sale, we bought two. Then last weekend we went out and bought two more. So we now have 4 spiders. They're all small right now -- the smallest is about 1/2" and the largest is about 3/4". But when they're full grown two of them will be 5" to 6", and the other two will be 8" and 10".

So yeah, I'm guessing you won't be stopping by for a visit if you're ever in Dallas.

amberance said...

I'm sorry to hear about Fifi; I'd be pretty mad if building management accidentally killed my cat.

I am never ever ever coming over your house.

Cycling Pamela said...

Just so your know...wherever you are, you are NEVER more than 6 feet from a spider(of some kind). I'll look forward to seeing you walking around in a "bubble"....