Monday, December 05, 2005

How Did I Not Know This?

I take my guy-like tendencies very seriously. My ability to intelligently discuss sports, use crass language and ogle a nice pair of tits on par with the boys fills me with pride. So when I come across a guy thing that I don't know about, I get really surprised and sort of angry with myself.

My Sunday morning call from the bartender contained one of these things. He was telling a story about a couple who are regulars at the bar. They are not a particularly attractive couple, but they are nice, and usually pretty quiet, especially the girl. Not so that night.

"[She] was so drunk. Usually she's so quiet, you know? But she was all drunk and screaming stuff. Like, 'I'm so fucking horny! I needed to get fucked! People think I'm all reserved, but really I just like to get FUCKED. REALLY. HARD.' It was fucked up."

"You're fucking kidding me. She never talks like that!"

"I know. She was all crazy. So then I said to [him] 'I better cut you off from that whiskey, bro, or you're going to be in trouble later.' And then [she's] like 'No, it's cool; if he's too drunk I'll just make him eat my pussy all night.' Haha, isn't that gross? I told the other guys and they were all saying I always say the grossest things to them. It's awesome. I bet I hold the top five grossest things [the owner's] ever heard!"

"Yeah, that is pretty gross, but then again, it's [him] that's eating her out, and he's no picnic either, so it's not that gross because at least they kind of match."

"No, you don't get it. They were all picturing that they were the one eating her out."

"Shut up. Seriously? Why?"

"That's what all guys do. When someone tells you about a chick they're fucking, you don't picture your buddy fucking them, you picture yourself."

"You're fucking kidding me. I always picture that stuff in third person, like I'm standing there watching it."

"Nope, guys picture themselves. It's just how we are."

"Wow. No wonder. You're right then, that is pretty fucking gross."

OK. Guys. Help me out here. Is this accurate? Everyone does this? And why didn't anybody ever tell me? I feel so female right now. It's bothering me. I need to go rip ass on a crowded train and then tell all my friends about it or something to get this girlie taste out of my mouth.


Dave said...

Sorry, but he is so right. Why would you want to picture your buddies naked, and I've unfortunately seen some of my buddies naked. I accidently walked in on one of my buddies getting a blow job and I think even then it didn't wierd me out because I put myself in his place.

Web Swinger said...

Yes that is true. Try changing your perspective next time and let us know how it goes.

amberance said...

Yes, but not this time, because I'm afraid I would throw up.

Cap said...

Uh, if the girl is hot, absolutely. If the girl a whale, then I try not to picture it at all.

monogodo said...

I'm very surprised you haven't heard/read of this somewhere.

Think about it. Compare the amount of porn available for men to the amount available for women. Also, most porn for men has women alone (or in pairs, groups, etc.), while most porn for women has couples (trios, groups, etc.). This is because, as your friend pointed out, guys picture themselves with the woman automatically. Women place themselves in place of the woman in the porn.

Hot Heather said...

well, is it weird that i do that too?? i don't think i've ever pictured someone else doing stuff with the stories i hear...

kelly said...

i'm with you, amber... i guess i never consciously thought about how guys would picture themselves, as opposed to our point of view of the situation.