Out Of Office Message

I'm on my way to Brighton today for the first Brighton Burlesque festival. In my absence, please enjoy this clip of Bendy Dick Cumberbatch doing impressions of other Hollywood actors in this interview for his movie The Imitation Game, which I will be reviewing when I get back from my trip.

There, I Fixed It: The 50 Shades Trailer

Look, my review of the Fifty Shades movie trailer was a bit lacking, I know that. It didn't have any of my usual vitriol or creative swearing and it did not, I think, express my feelings about the trailer or the existence of a movie at all as clearly as it should have. I just couldn't find the right words to illustrate my total non-excitement about this film.

But then I had an epiphany. While watching it for the dozenth time trying to think of something clever to say about it, I realized: I don't have to say anything! I can show you how I feel! By re-shooting the entire trailer (nearly) shot for shot. Directed by StereoNinja, my new improved trailer stars ME! as Christian Grey doing my best impression of of a wealthy, sullen asshat, and someone wholly more appropriate playing the role of the dull and vacuous Anastasia Steele than any actress they did or could have cast in the movie. If you look closely (and fast) you can even catch a glimpse of some Inner Goddess tokens from the party game some of us played together last year posing as pasties in the scenes where Christian is shirtless because I am a woman and have boobs.

If you haven't watched the original trailer yet, or haven't watched it in a few weeks and need a refresher, you're going to want to do that first. Or I guess you can two screen it and watch them both at the same time. However you want to do it, really -  I'm not omniscient. Either way, I hope you'll enjoy watching it as much as I, StereoNinja and the rest of the cast (presumably) enjoyed filming it for you.

So anyway, with no further preamble, here it is - the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer, which I have fixed:

Fifty Shades Trailer Review

The Fifty Shades movie trailer came out on Thursday, and while I did record myself reviewing it, the only funny thing that came out of it was when I gave it "one thumb...up your butt". StereoNinja and I have come up with a better idea for a video than that, but it's going to take some real effort so it might be a while, however it will be worth it. Having said that, I do still want to do a review of the trailer.

First of all, let me start off by saying to the gentlemen of the audience, I am so so sorry you are going to have to sit through this on Valentine's Day next year. Although you'll probably get mega-laid afterwards so maybe it won't be so bad. On the other hand, you were probably getting laid for Valentine's Day anyway so it's still pretty bogus.

WORST PARTS (other than the fact that there even is a Fifty Shades movie at all): The entire first half of the trailer is all clips taken from the scene where they first meet. This seems like a lot to me, but then again it is the set up to the entire piece of shit story. But the part where she's telling him there's nothing to say about herself and then says "I mean, look at me" and the camera holds on her face for forever...oh my god I laughed SO HARD. NO SERIOUSLY, WATCH CLOSELY WHILE I TRY TO LOOK PATHETIC. Is it working yet? IS IT? BECAUSE I AM VERY PLAIN AND I CAN PROVE IT. Also at the end of the interview when she gets in the elevator, the music dramatically swells like something important is going to happen...and then it just resolves into a photoshoot of Christian.

The part of the movie that everyone is waiting for is the kinky sex parts, obvs. So it's a colossal letdown that those scenes are flashed at us so fast you can barely tell what's happening in them (it's not a lot) and the entire sequence takes up less than 4 seconds. The images are all very artistic and tame and it's hard to tell if it's because it's a trailer or if it's because that's all there is ever going to be.

BEST PARTS: I am sort of disappointed in myself over how much I am in LOVE with Beyonce's new version of "Crazy in Love" (I threw a medium sized hissy fit when I discovered I couldn't buy it on iTunes yet), but not as disappointed as I am in Beyonce for attaching herself to this shitty project. Also the cinematography doesn't suck, so that's a nice surprise. That's all I've got under "good things" though, which is to be expected - you can't build an enchanted castle out of a pile of stale turds.

So the actual movie next year...obviously I will have to sit through it and review it for you, but do you think we should try to have a group viewing in or near London or something? The meet up for the Fifty Shades party game was awesome, it would be great to do something like that again. Thoughts?

New Segment - Short Movie Reviews

I just watched Powder for the first time, because StereoNinja hadn't seen it either and the reviews on Netflix were good. It was a mistake. Here's my take:

Synopsis: An electromagnetic albino teenager with alopecia gets ripped away from his home "for his own good". Everyone is a complete asshole to him, including several adults who try to beat him up. He accidentally kills a kid, then saves him, then runs away, then gets struck by lightning and then the sky eats him.

Seriously. The sky eats him.

That's the movie.

Oh except for the part where Jeff Goldblum starts stroking his face like a creepy pedophile. Jeff Goldblum is supposed to be the good guy, by the way.

I give it 3 out 5 what the fucks.

Thanksgiving Eve And Responsibilities

Many apologies for the very late (ok, fine, backdated, but only by like half an hour - if I were in California right now this would totally count) and mostly substanceless NaBloPoMo post today. It's the day before Thanksgiving here in America, or as I like to call it "Practice Christmas" (I am the only person who calls it that as well as the only person who thinks it's funny), which meant that after I got home from work I needed to bake a pie, cube some bread, clean the dining room, and take Jason Bourne swimming. I should point out that Jason Bourne is what I named our turkey this year due to his being super fucking awesome but having no idea who he is.

WHAT IS TREADSTONE?!?

 Depending on how much of a cheeseball you are, you may find that name not quite as hilarious as what I named my turkey last year, Tennille. Right before he went in the oven I set the bottle of Captain Morgan I was drinking next to him so I could take a photo of The Captain and Tennille. Tennille Two wouldn't have worked for this turkey though since the only rum I have in the house right now is Sailor Jerry*. ANYWANK - Jason Bourne went swimming for a few hours in a pool of brine I lovingly made him so he can be all nice and juicy when I cook his awesome ass tomorrow, assuming he doesn't somehow reanimate in the middle of the night and kill me with his amazing headless turkey stealth. My point is I had a lot to do, as I will tomorrow, so that post will probably be some rambling bullshit just like this. THE GOOD NEWS IS that I plan to get drunk at dinner and then do some reading after the bartender goes to work, which is likely to lead to a video of the result. If we're very lucky, StereoNinja will be able to garner a few minutes that make sense and where I'm not making out with the camera lens and then you guys will get to see it. He is a genius. Though not a real ninja**.

One other Thanksgiving fact for you guys: The number of times I will have to see Planes Trains and Automobiles to be able to watch it without crying at the end is somewhere between infinity and whatever is bigger than that.

*Also that would be funnier if I spelled it Tennille Too. Shut up, I'm really tired.
**OR IS HE?

50 Fucks Thiser

H-Town and amberance read Fifty Shades Darker so you don't have to.

me: ok let's finish this like mortal kombat - by ripping out it's spine and leaving it to die

H-Town: FINISH HIM
you ready?

me: to be done reading this?
i was born ready

Chapter 20 starts with a bizarre mixture of overly effusive surprise that Ana has said she'll marry him with a bone dry, technical description of the exact model of helicopter Christian flies. As per her custom, this conversation as written by E.L. James makes absolutely no sense and is nothing but a poorly designed vehicle to allow her to foreshadow again that the helicopter was sabotaged. EUROCOPTER EC135S ARE PERFECT HELICOPTERS YOU GUYS. THEY NEVER EVER CRASH. EVER. And then to celebrate their engagement, they take a cold shower with all their clothes on.

me: yay we're getting married, let's take a shower in our clothes
take your pants off i want to wash your boner!

H-Town: Ana Steele's Amazing Boner Wash!
Strong Enough for a Man! But Made for a Woman!

me: the one thing i wrote down from this scene was when she said she "detonated" (actually I also wrote down, "How does the sex keep getting worse?" but the specific line there was "I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him - a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.")

H-Town: I think I missed that because once again, I was skimming the shit outta this section

me: i wish it were true. i wish she had detonated

H-Town: I would watch that fireworks show with glee

me: so then they wake up the next day and now everything between Jose and Christian is fine because of fishing (Christian and Jose have an amiable conversation about their shared love of fishing, which isn't detailed because Ana says "I zone out. This I do not need to know." In my notes I translated this to "All your interests bore me." This marriage is off to a great start.)

H-Town: fishing is the great equalizer
and Christian walks out in just his special hip pants and no shirt
I had hoped he and Jose would then start making out

me: yes
he should fire his tailor, NONE of his pants fit properly

H-Town: and Ana would say something like, "Men can...kiss?"
because she is dumb

me: "but christian, you don't have a tan!"

H-Town: "You don't have an accent!"
HOW CAN YOU BE GAY?

me: oh, there's something in this chapter about how she's jealous when she finds out charlie tango is a woman
all fucking boats, planes, helicopters etc. are women
and that's basically the whole chapter
the next chapter was birthday sex

(Chapter 20 ends with Christian opening his birthday presents from Ana, including a box containing a bunch of things he already owns that she'd just gone around the apartment collecting and put in a box - the key to the playroom, some nipple clamps, a butt plug, the stupid fucking tie, etc. They take all of these things into the playroom to start Chapter 21 and then end up using almost none of them since she has massively overestimated her own capabilities.)

H-Town: and this line "Can one lust after one's husband like this?"
No, Ana, that's not possible
Marriage ends all feelings.

me: I KNOW
I wrote ONE WOULD FUCKING HOPE SO

H-Town:  also best part
OMG IT'S VIBRATING...DOWN THERE!! (It's a little metal bullet vibrator. It's what they fucking do.)

me: oh god

H-Town: and then Christian magically waves his hand/wang and special slow music turns on when they lay down on the bed

me: and she's all where is he going to put that.
HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD PUT FINGERS IN YOUR BUTT
at some point in all the action i wrote "Can you stab sex? i want to stab it so hard"

H-Town: hahaha
BUTT IS EXIT ONLY

me: she makes like this is the dirtiest sex that has ever happened afterwards

H-Town: Anything besides missionary is friggin porn to her

me: i call that "tuesday"
this line: "And I'm aware we don't know each other well, and we have a mountain of issues to overcome..." DO
NOT
GET
 MARRIED

H-Town: hahaha I know
are we to the part where she reveals she saw his photos?
and he admits he's not good at safe combinations? (While Ana was crawling around the house looking for sex toys she has no fucking idea how to use, she came across a pile of naked photos of Christian's former subs tied up in the playroom. She is as usual spectacularly jealous, but when she finally reveals her discovery to Christian, it turns out it isn't what she thinks. But because it's E.L. James writing, what Ana finds comforting is actually so much worse. The naked photos weren't just lying around, they HAD been locked in a safe, but Christian is an absolute goddamn moron and wrote the combination for the safe down pretty much RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO IT. Naturally, Leila had gotten into it and put the photos where she knew Ana would find them. Sadly, this isn't the "worse" part.)

H-Town: Captain Computer Security can't handle locking a goddamn safe?

me: yeah, that was the dumbest
i can't remember my safe combination.
i had to write it down
well what's the point of having one then?
why not just leave it wide open?

H-Town: with some lighted arrows pointing at it?

me: isn't he some kind of trazillionaire?
is there some reason he doesn't have a safe with fingerprint access?

H-Town: more likely it'd be one that would require him to stick his wang in for ID
Robot voice: "Please fuck me to open safe."

me: "Insert boner in identification vag" (THIS is the worse part ---->)
his blackmail photos make no sense by the way
he's afraid his subs are going to tell people he likes beatings with his sex
and to stop them from saying that he...takes pictures of exactly that?

H-Town: did not think that one through

me: for an enterprise that revolves completely around trust, this is pretty much the opposite of that
BDSM fail (Again, and I can't stress this enough - blackmailing people in this situation is not only ALL KINDS OF WRONG, but if you have a reputation for that kind of behavior NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH YOU. RESEARCH, JAMES. FUCK.)
oh fuck this line too, when Taylor calls her ma'am again
"It makes me feel old, at least thirty."
EAT A PILE OF 80 YEAR OLD DICKS

H-Town: hahahahahaha
I'm 34 and gay, so that means I must resemble dust and have a great tan

me: i'm going cane shopping after work, I'm so old oh my god
thirty is also exactly 2 years older than her boyfriend is right now

H-Town: you're nowhere near as successful, Amber.
Better kill yourself now.
I mean, if old age doesn't kill you first

me: shit right, no doubt. i could just drop dead any second at my age

Later on, Ana calls her mother to tell her the big news and is super irritated when her mother 1) asks if Ana's getting married at age 21 to a man she's known less than two months because she's pregnant and 2) has the nerve to mention Ana's dead biological father when discussing one of the major events in a person's life that a normal human being would want to have their parents present for.

Me: when she called her mom i wanted to stab everything
she's all pissed that her mom asks if she's pregnant
um, you are 21 and you have known this person for a month and a half. that is an entirely reasonable question

H-Town: no shit
"oh my god, did you die crossing the street? You're so dumb, Ana."
"Mom, I can't get this bottle of OJ to work. It says to shake well before opening, but I shake myself and the bottle doesn't open?" HELP ME

me: and then her mom is crying because she wishes ana's real dad had lived
also perfectly reasonable, my dad did the same thing when i got engaged
and ana's all "oh great now i have to hear all about my mythical father again"
he's not "mythical", he's dead

H-Town: Maybe her dad was a unicorn, Amber
YOU DON'T KNOW.

me: oh my god or zeus. MAYBE HE WAS ZEUS

Heather: Zeus' kid could never be this stupid
also, we all know anyone related to a god in this story has to be Christian.
OBVIOUSLY.

me: oh right, my bad

H-Town: The God of Hip Pants
brother to the God of Body Wash

me: his bio dad probably was Zeus. Zeus liked to fuck around, right?

H-Town: and daughter to the God of Shut the Fuck Up

me: and all this "there will never be anyone else for me"
I wrote down YOU ARE 21 YEARS OLD three separate times
hey you know what they haven't done in a while? had a fight

H-Town: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

me: if you insist

After speaking to her mother, Ana decides to go down to the store to get the materials needed to bake Christian a birthday cake. She is wearing a blue sundress - a blue sundress that had been purchased for her by Christian's own personal shopper, which seems like it would imply that it met with his approval, but nothing Ana has ever worn or done or said or eaten or breathed on meets with Christian's approval, ever, therefore, it is once again time to have a fight.

me: "hey i'm going to the store"
"NOT IN THAT WHORE DRESS YOU'RE NOT"
you mean the one you bought her?

H-Town: ONLY FOR INSIDE TIME

me: or the beach
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTEXT WHETHER YOUR DRESS IS SLUTTY OR NOT (Christian concedes he would not be upset with her going out in public in her prostitute's uniform if only she were standing on a beach and not in line at a grocery store. Come the fuck on James, you're not even PRETENDING to try anymore.) 
i feel bad now. let's bone and make up

H-Town: make me a cake and put it on my peener
I SAID CHOCOLATE CAKE, BITCH
FIGHT
sex

me: I WANT TO EAT IT WITH A BIGGER FORK
FIGHT
sex
YOU SNEEZED WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE
FIGHT
sex

 H-Town: YOU LOOKED AT THE PHOTOS OF YOU!
FIGHT
sex

me: but enough about ana and christian fighting each other. how about instead they go to his birthday party and get in fights with everyone?

H-Town: oh my god, Jerry Springer
fight
CONTRACT!
fight ELENA MEOW!
fight

Picture, if you will, the most uncomfortable party you have ever been to in your life. Now multiply the discomfort level you felt at that party by the total number of atoms that make up the universe to the power of infinity. I once attended a birthday party where the brother of the girl having a birthday broke up with his wife during the party after an alleged friend announced to everyone, including all parties concerned AND all of their parents, that said wife had been fucking her husband's cousin for a year and half. Incidentally, the cousin was himself engaged to the cheating wife's lifelong best friend, who was supposed to be the matron of honor at their wedding. True story. I would attend that same party every day for the rest of my life if the alternative was having to witness the complete fucking shitshow that went down at Christian's birthday party.

Before they'd even managed to get through the door, they were met by an enraged Kate, waving around the email discussing the contract that had never actually been signed and demanding answers from Ana about how she could allow this to happen and from Christian about why he was such a sick, disgusting, rapey fuck. Not long afterward, Christian announces to all the guests that he and Ana are engaged. Naturally, this causes a very drunk Elena to pull Ana aside (I'm not sure why, since she was shouting for all to hear anyway) and tell her that she could NEVER make Christian happy EVER because she is TOO FUCKING VANILLA. Ana responds with poise and maturity by throwing her cocktail in Elena's face. Christian comes to her aid and himself has a shouting match with Elena that is loud enough to draw his mother into the fray, where she finds out to her complete and utter despair that her best friend used to fuck her son and that it was super filthy. In between all this fighting, we are given a series of scenes including but not limited to: a (gasp!) lesbian couple, the world's most socially inept therapist, and some thinly veiled racism. THE ARISTOCRATS!

me: The whole Kate part I was yelling out loud at the book
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS

H-Town: I hate how EL James tries to insert drama
it only ever lasts for maybe a page or two
COPTER CRASH!
two pages later BFF CONTRACT FIGHT!
one page then everything gets resolved
she tries to work every possible drama-rama into one book, so she just makes them last two pages
and MEEEEEOW, the Elena fight

me: yeah, the elena fight
mother of god
YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY
i mean, she's sort of right, they are clearly not happy together for longer than five minutes at a stretch

H-Town: Until they have sex, that is
but then yeah, let's fight about mac n cheese and dresses
oh man, before the elena fight, when they're surveying the big party of guests
and Ana points out a black guy
it's almost like a "HEY LOOK Y'ALL, IT'S A BLACK GUY! IN OREGON! WOW!"
sigh
and then HA HA Ros is a lesbian

me: she must have been out of her mind at that party, a black guy AND lesbians?

H-Town: a lesbian that wears heels on a helicopter and then still wears them once it crashes?
Not likely

me: THANK YOU THAT'S WHAT I SAID
*confirmed by actual lesbian*

H-Town: anyway
ELENA SMASH
and then a drink gets thrown
I wish it would've been a fistfight and then the whole party comes in, someone accidentally dumps jello or mud, and then it's a wrestling match
*how this lesbian writes* 
*while not wearing heels*

me: and then they'd be all dirty after so WET TSHIRT CONTEST
this party would have been so much more awesome if we were in charge of it
oh there was also that conversation with Dr. Flynn and his wife

H-Town: his younger wife
oh mah god

me: his wife says "life would be dull and penurious without you"
and then he makes a cricket reference that nobody gets because teehee oh he's so British
i can't relate to you Americans and your fancy baseball sports

H-Town: crikey bowlers sticky wickets chimney sweep carry on carry on car park crisps

me: No one talks like that

H-Town: That's how the English talk, I know.
Come on, Amber, we know everyone in England sounds like Eliza Doolittle in "My Fair Lady" before she gets trained
aaaaeeeeeiiiiooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
then the fight, Christian's mom comes in, and I wish she would've piled-drive someone

me: yeah the mom, wow  

H-Town: so, christian and his mom talk it out and Ana runs away to his room and then the worst ending ever

me: oh that epilogue was atrocious

The book ends with Ana's former boss/attempted rapist hiding in the bushes outside Christian's parents' house. He is upset that his sabotaging of the helicopter failed to kill Christian, which is a totally reasoned and proportionate response to getting fired for your own blatant misconduct. For some reason, James feels the need to point out that he grew up poor in Detroit, as if this somehow explains why a mid level publishing executive at a small unknown company would become a savage murderer over losing his job.

H-Town: OH BOY, I WONDER WHO IT IS SITTING OUTSIDE THE HOUSE PLOTTING?

me: you mean the helicopter WAS sabotaged?
HUGE PLOT TWIST!

H-Town: I hope in the next book there's a baby Grey and it emerges from Ana like an Alien, punches Christian in the dick, and then runs over Jack L Hyde in an Audi, all while carrying a helicopter with Elena and the crazy ex in it.

me: that would be epic

H-Town: Did you see one of your commenters mention an upcoming baby?

me: yes, that apparently digs "the sexing"
WTF

H-Town: w t f
if that's true I don't even...

me: i just can't...
so, what is your final recommendation to people considering reading this book?

H-Town: Are you fucking stupid?
that's my initial reaction
and then a more measured, "Do you want to have a reason to gouge out your eyes and almost give up on fiction forever?"
and then a crazier, "I could just shit in this box right here and it'd be better written and edited than this book."

me: i CAN'T BELIEVE I have to read ANOTHER volume of this fucktarded abortion of a book

H-Town: reminds me of this quote from Tommy Boy:
"If you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time."

me: i miss chris farley
i want him to play christian grey in the movie

H-Town: oh my god YES

me: it would be the greatest movie of all time

I have so many questions about the third book:

• Will Elena team up with Jack Hyde and try to kill everyone?
• Will Leila cut her wrists when she finds out that Christian is going to marry someone?
• Does this baby have the slightest fucking chance of turning out to be a stable, healthy, happy human being?
• Will both of my eyeballs still be intact and attached to my face when I'm done reading?

I've put it off as long as I could. Let's get this thing over with, shall we?

50 Tears Wetter

H-Town: ok, where to start on this shit-stravaganza

me: let me just say, I took almost no notes because this is so stupid I can't even think anymore

H-Town: YES I am the same way
I fucking hate this book
A-Town was laughing at me last night because I kept making all these irritated noises and saying unfinished things, like, "What the...NO."
and "This is...COME ON. FUCK."

Chapter 7 starts off just after Ana bid $24,000 on a weekend in Aspen she could have gone to any time she wanted for free. She is nervous because she is now expecting Christian’s full on wrath over the fact that she spent money she repeatedly told him she didn’t want on a purchase he doesn’t approve of, begging the question of why he demanded that she take it in the first place. “We’ve been getting along so well” she thinks and I write in my notes “For, like, five minutes” because it is STILL THE SAME DAY as when she saw Elena in the hair salon, and they had a screaming match in the street over it, by my estimation, roughly 10 hours ago. He tells her he doesn’t know whether to worship at her feet or spank her over it. The first option isn’t something this character is likely to say, and the second one she hates, so of course she immediately goes for door number two because it is the most ridiculously out of character option available. Afterwards she ends up rubbing his dick under the table, which for some reason she is surprised about.

H-Town: They're at the table after her stupid aspen bid
and oooh la la, naughty under-the-table hand play!

me: oh yeah! table hanky panky
"I didn’t realize what he was doing"
REALLY?

H-Town: Then there's the dance auction

There is a first dance auction in which all the single ladies get on stage and the men have to bid on them for the first dance. Christian’s sister Mia strong arms Ana into participating and strongly implies that if anyone else tries to bid on Ana, Christian will iron his face. This is how we know that someone else will try to bid on Ana.

H-Town: here's an EL James original that I wrote down because it made my brain want to exit my skull and go play in traffic
"the tall, pink powerhouse that is Mia..."

me: she’s a pink
house

H-Town: I bet you have a sex toy that you refer to as your "tall, pink powerhouse..."

Me: yes. It has hello kitty on it. Is that wrong?

H-Town: I was begging for someone to bid $100k to end the goddamn book

me: oh god that whole scene
1. her reaction to Christian being a brawler in high school

H-Town: haha, yes

me: NO WAY BOYS GET IN FIGHTS SINCE WHEN?

H-Town: I wrote, "Really? You're surprised he was a brawler?"

me: 2. "oh shit that's me" (Ana was completely startled when they called her name even though she was standing on a stage for exactly that purpose)
go fuck yourself

H-Town: "Why am I arguing with myself?"
Yes, why are you, you stupid pile of hair.

Me: 3. Your shrink? YOUR SHRINK? You are in a bidding war for your girlfriend with your SHRINK? NO (EL JAMES ACTUALLY WROTE THIS. The bidding war we foresaw coming was between Christian and his therapist, Dr. Flynn. Which is plenty stupid by itself, but gets even dumber when we realize Christian isn’t upset about this at all)

H-Town: HATE
stupid bullshit

Christian wins the auction by bidding $100k for Ana, and while the rest of the girls are auctioned off, Christian and Ana run off to his childhood bedroom to fuck since it is absolutely the only thing they have in common and they haven’t done it in almost three hours.

H-Town: then it's time for the naughty sneak away to his room

me: where he's never brought a girl before
guess what? I’ve never brought a boy to my bedroom at my PARENTS’ house either, and I'm Slutty McSlutpants

H-Town: Neither have I!
SHOCK

me: THIS MUST MEAN SOMETHING THEN

H-Town: and she comments on some random kickboxer photo and says, "I don't know who that is."

me: oh yeah, that was classic

H-Town: I wonder if EL James knows that kickboxer personally and just wanted to name drop him
I had posters of Ickey Woods, Michael Jordan, and Ferraris on my bedroom wall as a kid. I just thought you should know that.
giant huge lesbian

me: you were missing cats and softball players. lesbian fail

H-Town: oh, there were cats
and I played softball
so don't worry
anywhore after stupid spanking naughty time in Christian's bedroom... she looks at his photos and just starts naming famous places
Eiffel Tower!
Grand Canyon!
looks at AAA Travel magazine
Mt. Rushmore!
Taj Mahal!

Me: and of course the photo of his mom. Which isn't important
pay no attention to that photo behind the curtain (Ana notices a photo of a woman she’s never met but who looks sort of familiar and asks who she is because she is too stupid to realize it’s his mother. Christian tells her it’s “no one of consequence” because his mom is a dead crack whore and that’s why he likes spanking people. Please kill me.)

H-Town: then they go dance
to songs that would be in a high school theater boy's playlist

me: shut up, H-Town, those songs have MEANING
side note: I've Got You Under My Skin is just asking for me to make jokes about having a crotch rash
I will never take anyone seriously if they play that for me. Ever

H-Town: and she makes a joke about him having just been in her vag because that's the same thing
"I've got you....pounding my vag..."
"I've got you...stalking my life.."
"I've got you...deep in my bank account..."

me: and then she dances with the shrink, which I just about lost my shit over

H-Town: OH MY GOD
that's when I wanted to punch the book so hard that EL James would feel it.

me: before the really bad stuff, the part about how he's British
"I’m super boring because I'm British" (Again, James ACTUALLY WRITES THIS: “I’m really a very dull person. It’s a British trait. Part of our national character.” James appears to hate women AND hate British people. Is there anything about herself that she DOESN’T hate? WHAT IN THE SPONGEBOB FISTING FUCK?)

H-Town: Yeah, way to dig your own peeps, EL
I'm surprised she didn't add a comment about him having bad teeth.
"His gnarly horse teeth were gross and I bet he enjoys England's awful food."

While they’re dancing, Ana starts asking the therapist all sorts of questions about Christian. And because this would violate all kinds of patient privacy laws and be heart-stoppingly unethical, he says he can’t answer them. And then immediately does it anyway.

me: "hey tell me about Christian"
"I can't. But he's super fucked up. So much it would take a year to tell you everything that is wrong with him. And even though I just said I can't, feel free to come by my office and I’ll tell you all about him"
I DON’T EVEN

H-Town: KILL
then she has some stupid fake argument with Christian (Ana “jokes’ with Christian that Dr. Flynn told her everything. Christian panics because of course he does)

H-Town: Christian: "WHATTT? You'll leave me?"
Ana: OMG NO I WON’T LEAVE WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!
butthurt

me: I wrote down BECAUSE HE ALWAYS THINKS THAT AND ALSO YOU DID. LAST WEEK.

H-Town: Then the child molester threatens her
and for once we get an OH SNAP moment from Ana

Elena corners Ana and tells her she’s great for him and that Christian is in love with her, and that she wants nothing but happiness for both of them, but that if Ana hurts him again she’ll be answering to Elena. Ana responds by calling her a pedophile and contemplating telling Christian that he can never talk to Elena ever again.

H-Town: Finally, we end the chapter with crazy-go-nuts girl destroying her beloved Audi and maybe being in the house
At this point I'm hoping someone will just blow up the house with them all inside so we can end it.

While they were at the party, Lelia came by to slash all the tires on Ana’s car and pour paint all over it. There’s also a chance she has somehow gotten inside the house. Chapter 8 begins with Christian and his crack security team combing the house and finding no one.

me: I like how Christian is the one who practically called in a SWAT team, but he thinks TAYLOR is overreacting
she might be in the house, but you know, no biggie

H-Town: and oh no, don't involve the police
lady is armed and batshit, but let's handle it ourselves!
because clearly your security on its own did so good at keeping her out of your house and garage
so she goes to sleep and he stays up to be all important and dark and brooding and sexy
Oh, I wrote down a line from when she wakes back up and goes to find him all alone and dark and brooding and sexy
"Your beard grows quickly," I whisper, unable to hide the wonder in my voice at this beautiful fucked-up man who stands before me. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAGE

me: yeah, it's because he's not 14 you twat

H-Town: I need something to stab
And just keep near me while I read this book
this book should come with a complimentary knife and stabbin' pillow

Ana wakes up and sees what looks like a shadowy woman standing at the foot of the bed. When she looks again the woman is gone and she assumes it was a dream, however the doors of the balcony are wide open, as apparently Lelia is secretly Spiderman. When Christian realizes this, he packs some bags and they go to a hotel, where they plan to stay until crazypants is captured.

me: so then we find out she really was, and still is, in the house

H-Town: Christian Grey's Security System, brought to you by Swiss Cheese Security
When You Absolutely Don't Want Someone In Your House, Call Swiss Cheese Security

me: and Ana’s like what do you mean we can’t stay here? Aren’t you overreacting?

H-Town: PUNCH

me: i wrote "no one in this book knows what overreacting means"

H-Town: and the hotel allows dogs and has a fireplace
WHO CARES
Also, you're in Seattle, not the Arctic. Stupid roaring hotel fireplace.

me: i wrote about that "rich people can do whatever they want"
also, the porter being startled that they showed up at 3 am because no one has ever arrived at a hotel in the middle of the night, ever

H-Town: and the desk clerk being all gushy over Christian
Please
overnight desk clerks can hardly talk
they're half-asleep and looking at porn on their computers
And then. INTERCOURSE
snooze
ps, did you write down the word "inveigle" from their car ride to the hotel?
EL James thesaurus sexy time.

me: I did. I wrote “inveigle” JESUS CRAP.
question: how does Christian get help with anything ever if every single person he comes in contact with is paralyzed by the sight of him?
just curious

H-Town: it's like everyone goes all fainting goat around him

me: hahaha

In the morning, the gynecologist who makes house calls shows up again, because when Ana broke up with Christian last week, she immediately stopped taking the pill LIKE A DUMBASS. The doctor explains to her that doing so was FUCKING STUPID and there’s a chance she could be pregnant. As it turns out she’s not, but instead of sighing with relief, she panics just as much as if she’d been told she WAS pregnant. Since she obviously can’t be trusted to look after her own reproductive health, the doctor gives her a Depo-Provera shot instead.

H-Town: oh my god the doctor and the pill scene
I MIGHT GET PREGGERS WITHOUT THE PILL

me: OH MY GOD

H-Town: ANA YOU STUPID BAG OF ANTLERS

me: and then AND THEN
as it turns out she's not pregnant, but then she spends the next five fucking pages being all oh I can't tell Christian I COULD have been pregnant even though I’m not and fucking panicking
YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT
RELIEF, that is how you feel
IT IS THE ONLY WAY ANYONE EVER FEELS WHEN THEY GET THAT NEWS AND DIDN’T WANT TO BE PREGNANT
I didn't want to be pregnant and I’m not

H-Town: HOORAY CONFETTI

me: FUCKIN A LET'S CELEBRATE

H-Town: Even if she was, it would be proof that God hated us.
so they go to shower to celebrate and one of the best lines from Ana happens.
It's not meant to mean what I think, but I could not stop laughing.
"My turn to swallow." (they are both nervous because she’s washing the lipstick off his chest and trying not to touch him while she does it. She starts to cry because she can’t bear his pain. She tells him that she loves him and so does everyone else, but he can’t handle it because crack whore babies don’t deserve love)

H-Town: HA HA HA HA
I peed
good thing I was in the shower.
and he breaks down all, "I'M A HUSK OF A MAN!!!!"
waaaaaah
EAT A BAG OF DICKS

me: same paragraph "I don't have a heart"

H-Town: at that point I wrote this in my notes, "FUCK THIS BOOK WITH AN ARMY OF HAMMERS."

me: in my entire life, I have never wanted to go watch Wizard of Oz as much as when I read that sentence
he's like all the Oz characters at once

H-Town: YES
we are on the same wavelength

me: husk = scarecrow
no heart = tinman
DON'T LEAVE ME I'M SCARED = lion

H-Town: CHARLIE TANGO = flying monkeys

me: no one can know who I really am = wizard
everyone loves him for no reason = Toto

H-Town: aunty Em aunty Em, it's a twister it's a twister = Christian's dark sexy brooding soul

me: DONT TOUCH ME = angry apple trees

H-Town: the yellow brick road = Christian's $100k/hour
we're on to something here

me: we are. we need to film this

At the end of the chapter, whilst still in the shower together, Ana gets Christian to admit that he loves her. H-Town and I barely reacted because who gives a shit.

Me: I like how he finally admits he loves her, and we both are like "meh"

H-Town: I need to hump a thesaurus like EL and find another phrase for "STUPID BULLSHIT"
or rather, the 50 Shades trilogy should be a new synonym for "stupid bullshit"

me: "oh that is SO Fifty Shades"

H-Town: speaking of stupid bullshit
NBC's coverage of the Olympics has been so 50 shades so far
Anyway, that's all I have
besides endless rage
I'm glad we're going through this together

50 Bags of Douche

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

You know what's good about this book? Nothing. Except that I am three chapters away from finishing it.

Chapter 21 opens with Ana waking up alone in Christian's bed. She goes looking for him and finds him in his study, on the phone, brusquely saying a bunch of businessy sounding words so we will know he is a busy and important man. When he gets off the phone he fucks her on his desk. Wait, scratch that. When he gets off the phone they have a ridiculous conversation that is meant to be coy but isn't, and then he DRAMATICALLY SWEEPS ALL THE PAPERS OFF HIS DESK ONTO THE FLOOR and then fucks her on the desk. HE IS SO DASHING AND IMPULSIVE OH MY GOD. I'm pretty sure this exact scene is in every romance novel written ever, but without the stupefyingly florid language: "Pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air."/"...as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, falling down, to a breathless, bright summit on Earth." I don't even kn....WHAT? Everyone is all happy until he asks her if she really needs to go to Georgia, and when she says she does he turns all cold and pissy. IT'S NOT COOL IF YOU VISIT YOUR MOM WITHOUT ME. IT GIVES ME AN ANGRY. I feel like I should put the list of signs a person is being abused up here and cite all the examples of Christian exhibiting those signs, but we'd be here all fucking day, and this is only five pages into the three chapters I plan to cover today.

After she showers, they have breakfast and argue about how she's going to get to Georgia. She says she can buy a plane ticket, on her own, because she's sick of him buying her crap. He says, out loud, "I have a jet." I say, out loud, "I have a migraine." They also argue about her not telling him which publishing houses she's planning on interviewing with that day. I have no idea how this is even a plot point. I get that she wants to achieve something on her own, but he has magical cell phone tracking/future shopping/super stalker powers, it's not like he can't easily find this out and I find it highly unlikely given everything else he's pulled so far that he hasn't done it already. They end the conversation by playing schmoopie and promising to miss each other terribly while she is away. I already know where this is going and so do you. I'm setting the over/under on when he will show up in Georgia at 2.5 days.

Ana has two interviews today: one with a large conglomerate in which she fears she will be just one of many in a sea of editorial assistants, next to which I write "Welcome to real life", the other at a small boutique firm she is much more excited about. She goes into enormous detail about the second interview. She is interviewed by two people: a woman called Elizabeth who has what Ana describes as "pre-Raphaelite hair" as if the audience for this book were the same as the audience for classical paintings (I was just barely able to restrain myself from immediately getting up and shaving my head) and a man called Jack who is way hip, which you can tell because he has a ponytail and earrings and he doesn't even wear a tie! She spends much more time describing Jack than she does Elizabeth and feels unsettled after the interview despite it seeming to have gone well. I have several theories:

• He is going to heart her and be creepy like almost every other man she knows.
• He is going to not be creepy and turn out to be a good boss and mentor, but Christian is going to ruin everything with irrational jealousy.
• Christian has already gotten to him and he feels like he has to hire her OR ELSE.

When she gets home, she confronts Kate about constantly winding Christian up, and Kate again admits to doing this intentionally and insists that creating jealousy is the key to a long and happy commitment, while at the exact same time warning her that Christian might be dangerous and questioning whether she is running to her mother to escape from him. Hey Kate, if you're worried your friend might be in a relationship she feels she needs to escape from maybe INCITING JEALOUSY in this potentially abusive monster is NOT THE BEST OPTION. Moreover, whether Christian does or doesn't have commitment issues is NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS. Ana admits that the only time they seem to get along is when they're screwing, to which Kate replies "If that's going well, then that's half the battle." Now, I'm the last person who is going to argue that satisfying sex isn't vital to a relationship, but this seems to imply that satisfying sex is pretty much how you know you ARE in a good relationship and that...that just isn't true. Kate apparently has yet to experience the glory of hate fucking someone you otherwise can't stand. I'm kind of sad for her.

Ana heads to her room to email Christian and then sits there staring at the screen waiting for him to reply. That's not me being sarcastic, that is actually in the book: "I sit and glare at the screen. Christian's responses are usually instantaneous. I wait...and wait, and finally I hear the welcome ping from my inbox." She sat there and did nothing but stare at her inbox for 14 fucking minutes. I'm not sure what's more idiotic, that, or that fact that usually Christian is doing the exact same thing yet we are expected to believe that he is a very busy and important man. INSTANT. MESSENGER. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

That evening, Kate drops her off at the airport, where she discovers that once again Christian can't help himself from meddling in her affairs and has upgraded her to first class. And I realize that that is a very nice thing to do on the surface, but the way I'm seeing it is that she is constantly telling him that those sorts of behaviors make her uncomfortable, and he is repeatedly ignoring her wishes. Therefore, this isn't a nice thing to do, it's just another way he's attempting to control her entire life and another reason why he doesn't deserve any of the trust she's given him. Also, this is more of the stalking: she never told him what flight she was on. He's got to be either hacking her email or tracking keystrokes, right? Because otherwise he's hacked into the booking systems of every airline that flies out of Seattle and I don't even want to think about that.

In Chapter 22, Ana gets a manicure and a massage in the first class lounge, which makes me wonder why she's at the airport so fucking early, and that is saying something because I am pretty insane about making sure I get to the airport early. She's also drinking a shit ton of champagne again, causing her "to forgive Christian and his intervention" or make excuses for him to justify his behavior, depending on how you look at it. She then gets on her magical FutureBook "hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet." Holy fuck, Ana, let me help you with that. It DOESN'T work anywhere on the planet. It works anywhere that has WI-FI. Places such as FUCKING AIRPORTS. Even my boss understands this and without going into too much detail, the man is NOT GOOD with computers and the internet (OK, one example: "Do you know how to get a Facebook?"). She emails him about her first class lounge activities and gets an immediate reply. See if you can guess which one of these lines was in his response:

• I'm glad you are enjoying yourself.
• I hope you have a safe flight.
• I bet your nails look as lovely as the rest of your beautiful hands.
• Who was massaging your back?

She replies that a very nice and attractive young man massaged her back and she enjoyed it thoroughly. She leaves out the part where she thinks he's gay (incidentally, she has made this assumption based on the fact that he has a tan - I did not realize this was the universal sign for "queer"). And then she thinks to herself "Oh, he's going to flip out". I would like to take this opportunity to remind you than only a few hours ago she was yelling at Kate for doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING SHE JUST DID, and to point out that this is the kind of behavior you would normally expect to see from a girl in junior high. She then continues being a complete asshole by being on her Blackberry after being told to put it the fuck away. SHE IS IN LOVE, THE RULES DO NOT APPLY TO HER. Her idiotic plan works - he goes into a rage and threatens to lock her in a crate. She is all, oh gee whiz, I'm super sorry that I made you all mad 'n stuff, which she absolutely is not because it was her stated intention to do so, and then he tells her to get the motherfuck off her Blackberry, saving me the trouble of screaming that out loud at no one. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HATE THIS FUCKING BOOK?

Arriving in Georgia, she meets her mother at the airport and predictably bursts into tears again. Here the author throws in a paragraph that has nothing to do with anything else about whether Ana should invite Christian to Jose's art show the following week (hint: NO). She has not brought this up again through the rest of the chapter and a half I've finished so far. I want to club a baby seal. Ana and her mother go to the beach, where her mom asks her what's up with this guy who has her so upset. Ana is amazed by this insightful question: "How can she tell?" Who knows, Ana? It could be maternal intuition...or it could be the fact that you are CONSTANTLY FUCKING CRYING OVER HIM. Her mother's advice, which for some reason isn't RUN THE FUCK AWAY, is that men are "simple, literal creatures." E. L. James does not appear to think much more of men as a gender than she does of women. Ana finds this to be sound advice: "She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all." I can't figure out a way to spin this observation in any way that would make it seem sensible, even to someone as crushingly illogical as Ana.

Ana gets back to her iMpossible to find an extremely long email from Christian, highlighting the intended dynamics of a D/s relationship, which would make absolute sense if not for the fact that Christian is the one saying it and he is constantly violating every single tenet he mentions. The email makes her realize how much she loves him and misses him. They have been apart for less than 24 hours. She emails him back some fucking nonsense while she gets dressed to have dinner with her parents. It takes him two whole minutes to respond to it, and the conversation devolves into frighteningly juvenile cybersex before her mother calls her because they are leaving for dinner. When she gets back, they continue this idiotic exchange until he sends her a final email for the night: "I am having dinner with an old friend now so I will be driving."

On reading that, Ana immediately FREAKS THE FUCK OUT because the only friend he has that she's aware of is the woman who was his Domme, and not only is Ana rabidly jealous of her for no legitimate reason, she is wholly convinced that she is nothing but a predatory child molester who preyed on his horrific early childhood in order to manipulate him and ruin his entire life. I won't debate the appropriateness of seducing a 15 year old, but I would like to point out that this relationship went on for six years, meaning that for half of it he was a legal and consenting adult, and that when it ended he was the exact same age that Ana is now. In a rage she starts googling him looking for photos of him with this woman, which she doesn't find because there aren't any, because nothing sinister is going on here at all - they are FRIENDS. After paging through eighteen pages of search results (who is the crazy stalker now?) she emails him the extremely loaded question of who was he having dinner with and then goes to sleep in despair.

After spending the next day shopping and whatnot with her mother, they decide to go for cocktails. They are drowning themselves in Cosmopolitans. Christian has uncharacteristically not replied to her email all day. When her mother goes to the bathroom, she checks and finds the email she's been dreading, confirming that he did have dinner with THAT EVIL WOMAN and also pointing out (again) that they are just friends. Ana shits a canary. ALL HER FEARS ARE COMING TRUE. She went away for two days and he immediately "runs off to that evil bitch." She unleashes the crazy in a frantic email: "She's not just an old friend. Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into? Did you get too old for her? Is that the reason your relationship finished?"(Which, by the way, if that were the reason, I can't figure out what she's afraid of - it's not like he's going to suddenly age backwards and become acceptably barely legal to her again.) Seeing as she's so unbelievably upset, she does the reasonable thing and orders another Cosmo. When she gets his reply I find it half reasonable, half terrifying, and 100% what I predicted earlier. Reasonable: I'm not having this conversation with you in an email. Terrifying: BTW, how many cocktails do you plan to have you fucking lush? Wait, can he see her? Holy shit, y'all, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Predictable: GUESS WHO THE FUCK IS IN GEORGIA AT PRECISELY THE BAR SHE AND HER MOTHER HAVE GONE TO FOR DRINKS?

He walks over to them to start the next chapter, and she temporarily forgets how angry she was five seconds ago. She is now ecstatic because he came to Georgia for her. She introduces him to her mother. Now, I don't have any children, but if I did, and my impossibly naive daughter's boyfriend who makes her cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME decided to STALK HER ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE CONTINENT, at the very least I would be pointedly polishing my gun and staring at him, assuming I didn't just immediately stab him in the throat by way of introduction. Not Ana's mother, though. Carla is at first speechless, due to his being so breathtakingly handsome, and when she recovers from her awe over the existence of such a beautiful creature, she invites him to sit down for a drink, and then later invites him to have dinner with them the following evening. She then excuses herself so they can have some privacy.

Once she's gone, Ana resumes her anger and she and Christian have a heated conversation about this woman. She insists to him that this woman molested him, abused him, and forced him into a BDSM lifestyle he didn't actually want. Because she knows absolutely everything since she was THERE and SHE SAW IT ALL and he just DOESN'T UNDERSTAND how horrible it was for him. Christian has a different opinion: the relationship was entirely consensual from the beginning. She was never abusive to him in any way - in fact, she saved him from the destructive path he was headed down. She has never been anything but good and kind to him and that is why despite having no sexual relationship any longer, they are still close friends and business partners. Ana's not having any of it. And not only is she unable to accept that this woman isn't a depraved sexual predator, but she's worried there might be an even bigger problem: "Did you love her?" Because, she tells us, if he ever loved her at some point in the distant past BEFORE ANA EVER FUCKING MET HIM, then EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED. HOW DARE HE HAVE HAD A LIFE AND HAVE FELT FEELINGS BEFORE SHE CAME ALONG? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

He doesn't get a chance to answer this before her mother comes back. When she does, he heads back to his room. Her mother is completely fucking smitten with him. Mother of the fucking year Carla encourages Ana to go to him - he is obviously in love with her if he flew all the way there for her on his private plane. All will be well. They just need to talk it out. And, you know, if she needs to spend the night with him, it's all cool. But, you know, let's finish our Cosmos first because that will be excellent for your judgement.

WHAT IN THE ZEBRA RAPING FUCK?

Ana goes to Christian's room, where he is stupid enough to be surprised to see her, and is also on the phone saying more buzzwords because he is super important. When he gets off the phone she is all set to have this out with him, but she can't because he is so overwhelmingly sexy she has to bang him right now. Oh by the way, she mentions a few pages earlier that she's started her period. I find it interesting that the same author who absolutely cannot use the word vagina in a sentence is completely comfortable writing two different scenes of period sex. I am also shocked to find out that Ana uses tampons and not pads, since that would involve putting her hands down there which I would have imagined she would find terrifying. (Oh, side note, I was talking to H-Town today and we've decided that every time she uses the phrase "down there" we are going to replace it in our heads with the phrase "special purpose" from The Jerk.) In between the two sex scenes, Ana realizes FINALLY that if the scars on his chest AREN'T chicken pox...it must mean that someone was probably using him as an ashtray at some point. Her immediate reaction is to assume that the person who did this was the woman who was his consensual lover for six years rather than the much more likely candidate of his crack whore birth mother (who by the way, has not been mentioned or wondered about since the GO TO SLEEP part, which is absolutely fucking insane. She did not outline this story before she wrote the book. There's no way. This makes no fucking sense). She is also upset because she thinks if he hadn't met this woman he would totes be "normal" and not a freak: "I just wonder what you would be like if you hadn't met her. If she hadn't introduced you to your...um, lifestyle." Now, I don't have any scientific studies to back this up, but my personal opinion born of my own experience and of other people I know in real life is that he probably wouldn't be any different sexually. He may have come to it later in life, or he may have gotten into a relationship with someone who wasn't compatible in that way and it would have remained just a fantasy forever (many, many people are in exactly this situation), but nevertheless, the interest in bondage and domination was probably always lurking there somewhere. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and most people get into this lifestyle by first being dragged kicking and screaming by someone else. But somehow I doubt it, and if they could talk, so would all of my Barbie dolls who used to get tied up when I was young. I really can't stress this enough: BDSM sex is something people gravitate toward because they like it, not because someone fucked them up. Anyway, he does his best to disabuse her of the notion that his former lover is the cause of his overall fucked upedness. She was a grounding influence that kept him from becoming a person just like his birth mother and she most certainly did not put out cigarettes on his chest. She is a trusted friend he goes to for advice when he can't talk to anyone else. Ana still can't (and I suspect never will) accept this, and continues referring to her as "Mrs. Pedo" until Christian forces her to drop it. He instead goes for a much lighter subject: all those times when he was still learning the ropes when he paid for sex. She is predictably judgmental about it and idiotically upset that she can't say or do anything that would shock him in a similar way, because the goal of every healthy relationship is to constantly one up each other about things the other person finds appalling. But wait! As it turns out she's wrong! She's done plenty of things that shocked him to the core! Why, she wore his underwear once when hers was in the wash OH EM GEE! And she calls him by his first name like she's some kind of equal! Once she even went to dinner at his parents house without wearing any panties! GOOD LORD THIS WOMAN IS OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL HOW WILL HE EVER KEEP UP? This abomination of a chapter ends with them going to sleep together once again, and despite the fact that basically everything he's said to her the entire night is upsetting and the exact opposite of the traits she appears to be looking for in a mate SHE HAS NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING HAPPY.

Three more chapters, you guys. Just three chapters left for me to get through without committing murder or permanently destroying my vision with some sort of sharp implement. I better get a fucking medal for this.

A Weekend With Mrs. Sizemore

A couple of things about Mrs. Sizemore:
1. She is awesome.
2. She is exhausting.

Both of these things tend to come into play when you spend a weekend with her.

A couple of months back, Mrs. Sizemore, who is a massive comic book fan (and I don't mean "for a girl"; I mean she has a giant box bigger than she is in her apartment filled with other boxes that when unfolded will hold several thousand comic books) and who has been reading ENTIRELY TOO MUCH NIGHTWING recently, up and decided that she wanted to learn trapeze. Which, when she said this I was immediately all OH EM GEE ME TOO and so currently we are both taking trapeze lessons at a place called the Aloft Loft where, in addition to teaching budding superheroes and/or strippers how to hang upside down from things, they also put on a regular show called El Circo Cheapo.

El Circo Cheapo is exactly what it sounds like - a show with very cheap tickets (even cheaper if you don't spring for a fancy thing known as a "chair" and agree to sit on the floor) that features various circus/aerial acts hanging from things and generally being way more amazing than I will ever be. So on Saturday night, Mrs. Sizemore and I went to that. It was absolutely incredible, from the double trapeze act staring our teacher Sarah, to the unbelievably graceful and romantic German wheel duet, to the hilarious audience volunteer that some Canadian dude stood on top of while juggling machetes.

The problem with El Circo Cheapo is that it is in a cab dead zone and ends after the Damen bus stops running, so after the show we spent a good deal of time walking up Damen until we found a really ambitious cab driver (when Mrs. Sizemore asked "Can you take us to Irving Park?" he replied "I can take you anywhere in the world!" which I'm pretty sure is not true because, you know, oceans and whatnot). Mrs. Sizemore had it in her head that the perfect wrap up to watching upside down people was eating greasy diner food at nearly 1 in the morning, so we headed to a diner on Irving Park Road that oddly enough is named "The Diner". I should point out here that it being Cinco de Mayo on Saturday, I had used it as an excuse to drink pretty much all day long, which is the only explanation I can offer for sending an email to StereoNinja in the middle of the night which pretty much just read "Chocolate milkshake, bitches!" Meanwhile, Mrs. Sizemore was attracting a great deal of attention to herself by ordering the most excruciatingly specific meal ever ordered at 1 a.m. by someone who was not completely stoned. It was while we were enjoying our food at The Diner that Mrs. Sizemore asked what I was doing the next day.

"Nothing," I replied.

"Good. Do you want to go see Avengers again tomorrow?"

The important thing to realize here is that I hadn't actually seen Avengers yet, given that it had only been released the day before and also I suck at going to the movies. But by this point, Mrs. Sizemore had already seen it twice. I agreed to go, but admitted I was skeptical of whether or not I would like it because I have a huge thing for Edward Norton and Mark Ruffalo is no Edward Norton, but she assured me that while that was true, he totally IS Bruce Banner and I should just go with it.

We met up the next day to head over to the matinee at the Davis Theater which we chose to walk to since it had mostly stopped raining. This gave her plenty of time to explain to me the various versions and back stories of every character, how they were the same or different from the comic book versions and why Thor is amazeballs. "Because he has a hammer?" I guessed.

"He has TWO hammers and they are called his biceps," she answered.

I am not about to ruin The Avengers for you by telling you all about it, but I will tell you that 1. Ok, FINE, Mark Ruffalo is an awesome Bruce Banner and 2. stop reading this right now and go see it, because it is for reals the best superhero movie to date (which of course it was going to be because, hi, Joss Whedon).

The one spoiler I will give you is that near the end of the movie, Tony Stark decides that they should go out for shawarma later even though he doesn't know what it is. Neither did I until I googled it, but that didn't stop Mrs. Sizemore from insisting that we ALSO go eat some of the same after the movie because when she picks a theme for the day, she REALLY picks a theme for the day. For some reason I agreed to this even though I know I like neither kebabs nor falafal which didn't bode well for the shawarma. I also allowed her to talk me into walking there because "It's a couple blocks from the theater".

It isn't.

What IS a couple blocks from the theater is a comic book store, specifically, a comic book store that Mrs. Sizemore had not been to the day before on Free Comic Book Day and that she was hoping would have some of the books she hadn't been able to find the day before (which they did). She used my Avengers euphoria against me to get me inside the store. She then used the hilariously stereotypical comic book store guy to help talk me into trying out this whole "reading comic books" thing, and before I knew it, I had a bag with issues 0 and 1 of Avengers vs. X-Men and had dashed off another incredulous email to StereoNinja: "I'm in a comic book store. Buying comic books. WTF is happening to me?" While I was doing that, Mrs. Sizemore was accidentally seducing comic book guy by knowing absolutely everything about every comic book ever written in history and not shutting up. In the midst of this she also bought several back issues she was missing, Thor's hammer, some little action figures, and a book called Darth Vader and Son that I had been coveting but didn't buy because we'd been there an hour already and I was starving. She also talked comic book guy into giving her a poster right off the wall and started shilling Nightwing to the store's lone other customer ("It's not shilling if it's actually good," she insisted). Throughout this, I kept pointing out to her that the one thing they didn't sell in the comic book store was FOOD and eventually I managed to drag her out of there.

We continued walking to the shawarma place, which was always "a couple blocks away" no matter how many blocks we'd already walked. We walked past a goose that was hanging out in the road by himself as if he were trying to hail a cab. "Look, a goose!" Mrs. Sizemore was excited, apparently because she doesn't know anything about geese.

"Do not go over to the goose," I warned her.

"Why?" she asked, ignoring me and walking toward the goose.

"Geese are mean. I'm serious, cut that out. They attack people."

Evidently she didn't believe me. "Hey goose!" she said walking up to it.

"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

"Oh my god, it hissed at me!"

"They do that. I told you so. You're lucky it didn't attack you."

Finally, some two miles from where we'd started, we found the shawarma place, where I informed her in no uncertain terms that we were NOT walking all the way back because it was far, and it was dark, and we didn't know the neighborhood, and there was an angry goose running around. We argued about the relative hotness of Thor vs Hawkeye while she simultaneously gloated on Twitter about getting me to buy comic books.

It was after 9 at this point, and I was exhausted. Mrs. Sizemore is evidently NEVER exhausted, because her suggestion was that after we ate, we should get a cab to her house, walk her dog, go buy a bottle of wine, go to her friend's place where she is supposed to be feeding the cat, feed said cat and then sit there and drink the bottle of wine while we watched Captain America. I said that suggestion sounded good, but not quite as good as mine which was that after we ate, I should go the fuck home and go to bed. I am much older than she is, what do you want from me? We decided to compromise and are now set to watch Captain America on Tuesday instead.

Day Nine And I Am Saved By An Anonymous Reader

An anonymous reader commented on this post this morning to the effect of "Okay, if you know so much about Christmas music, maybe you should suggest some for the rest of us." Your timing is perfect, anonymous, as I had no idea what to write today, having cheated already by writing yesterday's post today and backdating it (which was just a link to someone else's videos anyway). So below are a small handful of suggestions of Christmas albums you might want to pick up in the event that Bing and Frank just aren't doing it for you. In no particular order:

The Vandals - Oi To The World! - This absolute fucking gem of an album was released in 1996 and then re-released in 2000 and is among my favorite Christmas albums of all time. Songs such as "My First Christmas (As A Woman)", "Thanks For Nothing" and "Oi To The World" (which was also excellently covered by No Doubt) stand on their own as punk songs regardless of the season.

The Yobs - The Worst of The Yobs - This band is actually The Boys, but recorded all their Christmas music under the name The Yobs. It contains the single most inappropriate/offensive Christmas song I have ever heard, "C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S./Gloria" (which is also covered on the aforementioned Vandals album), as well as "Oy Santa" in which they ask Santa "What do you call this fucking pile of shit, you cunt?" and "There's No Santa Claus" about a father's lame attempt at pretending to be Santa.

Destructors 666 - Bah Humbug - Rounding out a trilogy of punk rock albums, Bah Humbug tells you where you can "stick that fucking mistletoe" in "Merry Christmas and Fuck Off" and lists all the reasons to hate the season in "Xmas Xmas (Bah Humbug)".

Lest you start to think I may not love Christmas as much as I claim, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy's Everything You Want For Christmas is always at the top of my Christmas album list, not the least of which because of their cover of "Mr. Heatmiser" from the 1974 claymation classic The Year Without Santa Claus (do the bartender and I have matching Heatmiser and Snowmiser bobbleheads on display in our living room all year round? Yes. Yes we do). There is also the fantastic "Last Night (I Went Out with Santa Claus)" which I triple dog dare you to try not to dance to, and "A Party For Santa" in which we are reminded we should all make sure Santa comes more than once a year.

While the cheese factor might be a bit high for some, I absolutely love A Twisted Christmas by Twisted Sister. It's mostly covers of classic Christmas songs done over in Twisted style, but they also sneak in a few tributes to other bands (i.e. The Ramones (Ho, ho ho! Let's go!)) and even their own song "We're Not Gonna Take It" which it turns out is basically the same riff as "O Come All Ye Faithful".

The Fleshtones - Stocking Stuffer - If you like surf rock bands from Queens, and I assure you that you do, then this is the Christmas album for you. Songs such as "Christmas With Bazooka Joe" and "Super Rock Santa" are virtually impossible not to love. Better still is their amazing cover of "Hooray For Santa Claus", which for the uninitiated is the theme song of what is widely regarded as one of the worst movies of all time, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (yes, of course I own it, what a ridiculous question) - it's bad enough that it appeared on an episode of MST3K.

There are also a number of individual songs that deserve recognition as "must have" songs on any Christmas playlist I'm likely to come up with, but I think I'll save those and post one a day through the 40 Days of Christmas (some of which may or may not count as NaBloPoMo posts, depending on how lazy I get).

So there you have it, six Christmas albums that you can rock out to whether you love Christmas or hate it. By no means, mind you, is this even CLOSE to a comprehensive list of my Christmas collection. If I tried that we'd be here for years discussing it and trust me, you don't want that. It should be enough to get you started, though, and there will definitely be more suggestions coming in about a week(!).

Thanks, anonymous, and also my apologies as I suspect you probably had no idea what you were getting yourself into.

The Relative Value of Los Angeles

I'm confused about how Battle: Los Angeles made it to number one at the box office. Now in all fairness, I haven't actually seen the movie nor do I have any plans to see it because it looks pretty stupid. But based on the trailers for it, I'm pretty sure it's just a remake of Independence Day, and Independence Day fucking sucked. Right? Aliens are invading our planet to get our resources and are systematically wiping us out. That's the same plot as Independence Day, isn't it? I've already seen Battle: Los Angeles then and it isn't any good.

Now, granted, it's possible that maybe they've improved on Independence Day. Certainly there was a ton of room for improvement: Bill Pullman is possibly the least convincing person to ever play the President (seriously, once you've played Lone Star in Spaceballs, you've pretty much typecast yourself as "not the President"), Jeff Goldblum has played the exact same character in every single movie he's ever starred in, and the dialogue is so terrible the only line in the whole thing I even bothered to remember was Will Smith punching the alien in the face and saying "Welcome to Earth." But even if you fix all those things, you're still left with a stale plot of alien invasion, humanity is woefully outnumbered, at the eleventh hour someone comes up with a brilliantly unorthodox plan and (presumably) sacrifices him or herself which saves the day and everyone is happy because it's a movie and therefore easy to ignore the devastating aftermath that would certainly follow a protracted war with a hostile extra terrestrial invasion force. In other words, it looks dumb.

At least they put out more trailers than just the first one I saw, because they provided some clarification I desperately needed. The first trailer made it look, to me anyway, like the aliens were invading Los Angeles only, and with all due respect to any friends I have who live there, my immediate reaction was "Who fucking cares?" Because, come on. Aliens are planning an invasion and the target they settle on is Los Angeles and that's it? A couple things come to mind. 1. These aliens are not terribly bright, unless the resources they're looking for are film reels and silicone (if so then good job aliens, you have chosen wisely). 2. All they want is Los Angeles and they'll leave the rest of us alone? GREAT! Give it to them! I'm happy to turn over Los Angeles if it means nothing changes for the rest of the Earth, other than having a new sort of weird neighbor, and we have plenty of those already, life won't be all that different. We don't need Los Angeles. Los Angeles is pretty much jewelery: it's pretty and sparkly and meant to show off our wealth, but it's not really that important and when the money runs out we should pawn that first. I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. Let them have it. After seeing subsequent trailers though, the plot made a little more sense. Apparently, they are attacking all over the place and in fact most of the major cities of the Earth have already been overrun. Los Angeles is not the focal point of the attack, it's simply where mankind has chosen to make its last stand. Which is an entirely different story and far more plausible. If Los Angeles is all we have left, then yes, I agree, defend it with everything you've got. If it's our last toehold and holds the key to our continued existence as a species then it is certainly important enough of a place to serve as the setting of an alien invasion movie.

But it still looks dumb.

More IM Fun with Amber and Heather

For today's random topic, we chose the film "Sin City" and discussed why I couldn't watch it past the first 20 minutes:

PGS DenMILF: it's like [the bartender] picturing himself in his buddies sex stories
VelociHeather: ah
VelociHeather: you pictured yourself in it
PGS DenMILF: all i can think of is what it must be like for someone to cut off my hand and make me watch them eat it
PGS DenMILF: and then i want to throw up
VelociHeather: gross
PGS DenMILF: if i'm ever captured by the enemy and thrown in prison they'll get much further fucking with my head than they will with running electricity through my genitalia
VelociHeather: and voila - there's the quote of the day
VelociHeather: hello next blog post
PGS DenMILF: you're my muse
VelociHeather: I try
VelociHeather: i still have a really old hand-scrawled note I wrote myself back in college
VelociHeather: it was a quote from you I wrote down on a post-it
VelociHeather: "Some people think i'm sarcastic, but really i'm just a bitch"

Harry Potter and the Theater of Annoying Gits

Apologies for the post title; every time I see a Harry Potter movie, I find myself saying things like "git" and "bloody" and "What's all this, then?" for a couple of days.

Fish and I went to Harry Potter last night at this dinner and a movie theater somewhere around or near Downer's Grove (I'm sure Fish can fill in the details). It was really cool, you sit down and there's a menu there, you order whatever you want, and they bring it to you right before the movie starts. You can even get fancy frozen drinks and everything! I was amazed by this concept because Cleveland is lame and has no such theater that I'm aware of. I am told that this is fairly normal here.

The movie was good. Very good. The mistake I made was not re-reading the book just before we went. I did this before I saw the Lord of the Rings movies and it helped tremendously in my not being annoying to sit and watch a movie with. But I didn't think to do it this time, and so the ever patient Fish was bombarded with whispered "I don't remember that part" and "What house is Cedric in?" type comments throughout. My bad, Fish, sorry. Hermione, by the way, is growing up to be smoking hot. ("She's 14!" Fish pointed out. It's ok, I can wait.) Also Voldemort as played by Ralph Fiennes is terrifying. I didn't know who Ralph Fiennes was, of course, because that's the kind of thing I don't know. I don't bother to learn names of the actors I like; I just refer to them as characters from other films they've done. "So, you know Cy Tolliver [from Deadwood]?" I said to Fish recently. "He's the one bad guy from Tombstone!" Fish was kind enough not to roll his eyes at me.

"Voldemort was great," said Fish in the car on the way home. "You couldn't even tell it was Ralph Fiennes."

"Um, ok, I don't know who that is."

"Yeah you do; he was in the English Patient."

"Oh," I said. Then, "OH! Yeah, I know who he is. Dude, he TOTALLY looked just like the English Patient!" Because he did, he was all pale and hairless and missing parts of his face that seemed important, such as most of his nose, and it looked very similar to a burn patient. So I was happy about that.

I was also happy about the people watching, which was very funny. "Mullet, 9 o'clock," said Fish, and I turned to look. Lo and behold there it was in all it's mullet glory. Oh and perfectly white by the way. So as not to appear to be staring at the mullet guy, I kept turning my head and found something even better.

"White corn rows, 8 o'clock," I told Fish. And they were good too, not just braids going straight back on his scalp; these were some complicated abstract designs zig zagging around this dude's head. I thought it very K-Fed of him.

What I was not happy about was the other movie patrons. I mean, I know I have a reputation for not liking people, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt even though I usually fail miserably. Such as the parents of all these school age and not yet school age children who have brought them to a 7:00 p.m. showing of a two and a half hour movie on a school night. Some of these kids were no older than three, and falling asleep in their parents’ arms before the theater even opened for seating. And I wanted to think that it was a once in a while, very rare treat for these kids to be out on a school night and not get to bed until after 10:00 because Harry Potter is special. But in my heart I know that's just not true.

That wasn't even a big problem though, because I recall no crying or talking children (small children anyway) during the movie. What I do recall is some girl who sounded like she was at least high school age and possibly older, SHRIEKING at the top of her lungs at a point of the movie which was not scary, but which was very quiet. Haha, hilarious, you little douche. I clenched my jaw, as I do, and tried to concentrate. The best was yet to come.

What's more annoying than some assjanitor who forgets to turn off their cell phone in the theater and lets it ring three friggin times before they silence it? How about actually answering the phone and then having a FULL VOLUME conversation in the middle of the movie! I was almost too amazed to even be angry; it takes some serious self-centeredness or a complete lack of social awareness to pull that one off.

Overall, though, I'd rate the experience as a success and recommend that everyone go see Harry Potter right away.

Stealth

Well, they did it. They made me watch Stealth. It was even worse than I expected. Off the charts unreal. Really.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for suspension of disbelief - it's pretty much how I get through the days. But in this one, they just asked too much of me, to wit:

• The U.S. Navy has no qualms about sending new planes that are still in the testing phase into combat situations if they feel like it.
• Insubordination and failure to obey direct orders in the U.S. Navy is not that big a deal, and in fact, your commanding officer will even tell you that you did a good job on the thing you were expressly ordered not to do.
• An airplane developed by the U.S. Navy to be capable of thinking for itself, flying for itself, and continuously evolving will have an expensive state of the art cockpit built into it, just for fun.
• The U.S. Navy is so inept at advanced technology that they need ubergeeks with scruffy hair and no social skills to take care of their expensive new airplane. Also, they will allow these geeks to hang out on their aircraft carriers.
• Robots have DNA.
• Let me repeat that one. Robots have DNA.
• Technology geniuses who develop planes for the U.S. Navy are all really cool and suave, have giant, ultra modern houses and superhot women in tiny dresses hanging all over them.
• Not only can you eject from your plane at 30,000 feet and still be conscious, but you will also be able to keep a running monologue about how fast you are falling so your friends on the aircraft carrier will know you're ok.
• You can fall from 30,000 feet, have your parachute catch fire, live to tell about it AND have the wherewithal to hang on to your gun.
• Sometimes your commanding officer will try to have you killed by outside assassins if you know too much.
• Not a single person in the North Korean Army save for one guy can aim to save their lives. Our people never ever ever miss.
• The border between North Korea and South Korea is separated by a chain link fence.

If I can save one person from going to see this completely worthless drivel then I can die knowing I made a difference. Please, I beseech you, spare yourself from the agony which I could not escape.

Happy Birthday Thugglife Chris

Today is Thugglife Chris' birthday. This is important because for his birthday we are going out to BD's Mongolian BBQ, which is better than sex*. Unfortunately I also promised him I would watch some movie about a repentant, formerly evil airplane that wants to stick its fuselage inside Jessica Biel. I tried to get out of it by claiming I was drunk when I said it, but I was at work at the time, and for some reason I wasn't believed. That's alright. For my birthday we'll be having lobster and watching Ishtar. Two can play at this game.

*depending on who I'm having sex with and how hungry I am at the time.

Attack of the Stupid Brigade

I went to Best Buy last night to pick up some filmage for Sunday night viewing (High Fidelity and Holy Grail). If you shop at Best Buy as often as I do, you already know about the deal they have going where spending money in their store entitles you to your choice of 8 free issues of Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly.

The woman in line in front of me does not shop there with the frequency I do, and the cashier was explaining this fabulous opportunity to her. Clearly this was a MAJOR life decision for her, because she hemmed and hawed about it for about 10 minutes before finally settling on Entertainment Weekly.

Entertainment Weekly, people. Remember that.

Even after making a selection she was still a bit confused by the whole process. "Eight free issues," she mused. "So, what is that, once a.....month?"

I am not kidding you.

But it gets even worse. I look at the cashier, wanting to share my amusement at this woman's stupidity with someone else, but she can't meet my eye because she's busy reading the back of the card to find out how often this woman will be receiving her Entertainment Weekly.

Sometimes I question why I ever leave the house.