50 Hurrs Derper

H-Town and amberance read Fifty Shades Darker so you don't have to.

H-Town: I'm pretty sure that if you read "50 shades darker" out loud in a forest, every living thing would run/fly/jump away in sheer terror.

Me: truer words have never been spoken

H-Town: every sentence gets worse and worse
Every time A-Town asks me to tell her what's going on, I just shake my head "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START."
How many English teachers have been driven to drink or worse because of this book?

Me: In the future this year will be known as "The Year The English Teachers Jumped Off A Bridge"

Chapter 16 picks up where the last one left off - with our worthless fuckhole of a protagonist getting cornered by her blatantly creepy boss after hours. Instead of immediately crotch punching his rapist ass, she stands there listening to his insane and disparate ramblings which range from "You owe me because I fought for you to get this job since Elizabeth thinks you're worthless" to "you are obviously a spy sent here by Christian Grey to get me fired" to "quit acting coy, I can totally tell you want to jump on my happy stick right now". Predictably, because it has been endlessly foreshadowed since the second she showed up on her first day, Jack has noticed that she sends an inordinate number of ridiculous and sex laced emails to Christian all fucking day long. He has also noticed that Christian's return emails all seem to have mysteriously disappeared. For some reason he thinks this is something he can blackmail her with (to whom?) and he tells her he'll stop looking into what happened to Christian's magic emails if she'll just suck his dick on command et cetera from now on. Eventually it dawns on her to actually defend herself and she kicks him in the nuts, runs outside, and dramatically sinks to the ground in a near faint, at which point Christian arrives just in time to catch her before she hits the ground and I throw up in my mouth a little.

Me: So Chapter 16
Everyone Wants To Rape You
I am never going to Seattle; evidently it is a rapist colony
My first note in this chapter is "I KNEW she sucked"
when he was all "You should totes blow me for getting you this job since Elizabeth thinks you're dumber than a houseplant"

H-Town: HAHAHAHAHA
Also, hurr durr blackberry

Me: yep, that wasn't foreshadowed to death or anything
IDIOT

H-Town: I can't wait to see what Jack Mehoff Hyde has on his hard drive
pr0n

Me: I know right

H-Town: watch, it'll be something tame but she'll treat it like it's a deviant lifestyle
MEN HAVING SEX!

Me: EGADS!
I also wrote down "a smart blackmail rapist would have saved all her emails on a thumb drive"
and then I thought it's a good thing I’m not a criminal because I’d be scary good at it
I was confused why she didn't just immediately crotch punch him, but then she did eventually so I decided to let it go

H-Town: no shit
go all "Office Space" printer on him

Me: but then on page 370, when she runs outside and then DRAMATICALLY crumples to the ground because she almost fainted because she hasn't eaten in 6 months
I rote "please be kidding with this"
wrote

H-Town: lol, rote
u r EL James
I would have a hard time not driving the car over the boss as he left

Me: that was another thing that made no sense
"oh my boss tried to rape me just now...no please don't hurt him"
uh, no Christian gets to do whatever the fuck he wants to jack right now
so jack totes gets fired and she thinks she'll get fired for getting him fired?

H-Town: no one said Ana is smart
well, Christian did

Me: in between yelling at her for being stupid, that is (Christian goes ballistic when Ana tells him that the basis of Jack's blackmail attempt was her idiotic emails. He makes a phone call to have all of Ana's emails to him erased (why he didn't do this when he had his OWN emails erased off the server would be a mystery if we didn't already know that E.L. James can't write her way out of a paper bag and has to manufacture plot points). He will continue yelling at her for this the entire way home. She will continue to have absolutely no idea why he is upset with her.)

Me: I like how she explains that she knew how to kick jack in the balls because her dad was in the army
I was picturing weeks of boot camp where everyone is just kicking each other in the balls constantly
though he probably did need to teach her that since she's never had any instinct for self-preservation at all
So now that everyone is home safe from the near-rape experience, it's time to have a fight (The apparently minor issue of "my boss just tried to rape me" now forgotten, Ana tells Christian that Jose wants to come visit, touching of the second argument between them in as many hours.)

Me: "I should get to see Jose because I don't moan about you seeing Elena"
SAY WHAT NOW?

H-Town: STUPID BULLSHIT

Me: she CONSTANTLY complains about his friendship with Elena
every waking minute of her life

H-Town: I wish this book would quickly end in a murder suicide

Me: that would be more realistic than any end she could come up with where anyone lives
she's like "you are always mad at me"
I wrote "TOTES marry him, it will be puppies and rainbows!"

H-Town: I bet Ana would even make Ellen DeGeneres mad
Also, there are never any disagreements or arguments in marriage
ever.

Me: Ellen DeGeneres AND Delilah

H-Town: hahaha

Me: and then he's like "nuh-uh, I wasn't mad at you this morning"

H-Town: "There was a period of 30 seconds when I was totes happy with you."

Me: oh great, that one time, for five minutes, while you were fucking?
sure, that counts

H-Town: "Then I punched a hole through Charlie Tango's vagina."

Me: no, no you're right, this relationship is entirely stable

Following that argument, Christian goes off to work, while Ana wanders into the playroom and discovers - GASP - it has sex toys in it. Christian conveniently comes along to explain what all these mysterious gadgets do, which sounds as though he's reading descriptions out of a catalog.

Me: And then the tour of all those CRAZY WEIRD sex toys!

H-Town: YOU ARE A DEVIANT!

Me: also known as "an inventory of things in my bedroom right now"
butt plugs?
OMGWTFBBQ

H-Town: This was just EL James retyping the list of things she once saw for sale online at a sex toy shop
I'm surprised she didn't leave them in alphabetical order

Me: when she said "the butt drawer"
I got this stuck in my head for HOURS

H-Town: hahaha

Me: "how does he make that sound so erotic?" (This is an actual line in response to the following description of nipple clamps: "You can wear them very tight...or not. Depending on your mood.")
well, you are talking about sex toys, it really shouldn’t be that hard
also, she’s cool looking at: butt plugs, anal beads, nipple clamps, a ball gag, a Wartenberg pinwheel....
but when he's like "these are vibrators"
she's all NNOOOOOOOOO
 I CAN'T LOOK

H-Town: FAKE PENII!
(plural of penis)

Me: and then INTERCOURSE
but first on the way to the intercourse

H-Town: which does exist, by the way
Intercourse, PA
so you can actually be on your way to Intercourse in real life, yo

Me: we HAVE to go there and take our photos by the sign

H-Town: and then have our status say "WE'RE HAVING (lunch in) INTERCOURSE!!!"

Me: YES

H-Town: I've been there, it is a cute little Amish town right near Blue Ball, PA
seriously

Me: NO WAY

H-Town: Yes way

Me: *starts packing*

H-Town: directions for you

Me: and this is why I love you
anywhore, on the way to intercourse
James writes another thing that is so ignorant and wrong I completely lost my shit

H-Town: you have no more shit to lose with this book
your shit is so far gone it came back and got lost again.

Me: this book may very well kill me, it's true
she compares wanting to participate in kink
TO ALCOHOLISM (Christian: "I'm like a recovering alcoholic, okay? That's the only comparison I can draw." NO NO NO. A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES NO.)
YOU JUDGEMENTAL TWAT KAZOO

H-Town: Twat Kazoo
that deserves an award

Me: it deserves to be a real thing
What instrument do you play?
Twat kazoo
and I really thought that was going to be the high point of my rage for this section, I really honestly did
but it never works that way
never
because every single sentence in chapter 17 is the worst sentence I’ve ever read

H-Town: oh my god, the hate

After they wake up the next day and have some morning sex that includes the following vagina drying description: "as his lips journey leisurely across my clavicle", Christian takes Ana out to see her new Saab, which she then drives to work. This journey includes an argument about whether or not she is capable of driving and listening to music at the same time. I'm not making that up.

H-Town: Let’s start with the car where he describes all of it like a commercial
also, IT PLAYS CDS, MP3S AND YOUR IPOD?!?1
WHAT KIND OF CRAZY FUTURE TECHNOLOGY IS THIS?!?!

Me: that was ridiculous
and mp3 "discs"

H-Town: Yes EL James, clearly into technology
she probably looks for the "any" key

Me: HAHAHA
"The key goes here"

H-Town: Cars need keys?
Can't Christian just make it go with his thoughts? or his wang?

Me: he can make anything work with his wang
he flies Charlie Tango with it

H-Town: signed,
Christian Grey,
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings
Personal Tripod

Me: Then she goes to work and again, I thought "this is the single stupidest thing in this entire book"
let me get this straight: Elizabeth didn't want to hire you because you are less competent than a drunk turtle, so when your boss gets fired a week and a half after you start working there, they decide to give you his job? (This ACTUALLY HAPPENS. After 9 DAYS on a job that seems to mostly involve picking up lunch and making coffee, Elizabeth, who never wanted to hire her in the first place, gives Ana Jack's position, based solely on Jack having been "a champion of her abilities" which we already know was only because he wanted to fuck her. Even better, Elizabeth gives her the promotion and then AFTERWORDS hands her a copy of the actual job description. I just...no.)

H-Town: OH MY GOD
yes

Me: I only wrote "NO. THAT IS RETARDED."

H-Town: She gets to take his job?
what in the stupid bastard batshit badminton assfuckery fuck?!?!?

Me: she is NEGATIVE 79% qualified for his job
MY CAT is more qualified for that job than Ana is

H-Town: The baby made something in her diaper that's more qualified than Ana
they must be the worst publishing company in the world
i.e., the one that published the 50 shades series
HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and we've come full circle
I just created a rip in the space time continuum

Me: awesome, does that mean we can stop reading it?

H-Town: I wish

Me: fuck, oh well

H-Town: oh my god, then back to Christian and this line "His mood swings are like a metronome set at presto."

Me: I WROTE THAT DOWN TOO

H-Town: that made me fly to a small country, overthrow a dictator, and then go nuclear

Me: I for one welcome you as our new overlord

H-Town: Excellent

Me: right after that she was saying something about not having eaten, again
I wrote" almost through two entire books and she's eaten a cracker and half a grape"

After an argument I can't even explain because I have no idea what it was about, and another near argument because Ana has decided to play matchmaker and fix up Ethan with Christian's little sister, we come to a part in the book that has caused me to give up on my life entirely.

Me: So my outrage over the promotion lasted about four pages before the story gets EVEN DUMBER
because you can't go quiz you boyfriend's doctor about his mental issues.
you CAN'T do it. YOU CAN NOT DO THAT

H-Town: I know

Me: the entire second half of this chapter doesn't exist in real life

H-Town: that was a WTF so big that this dog's head blew up:

Me: and Dr. Flynn says "just so you know, these sessions are confidential"
yes, they are so confidential SHE SHOULD NOT BE INVITED
but it's ok because she signed that completely unenforceable NDA

H-Town: HATE
This chapter, I just don't even...
I mean COME the fuck ON

Me: when they get into the actual details of things they have no business discussing
and he keeps saying "haphephobia, parasomnia, SFBT therapy"
So, I'm supposed to believe that he's a therapist but he has no fucking idea how to talk to actual people?
He must be really effective
but, ultimately it doesn't even matter
because the entire conversation CAN'T BE HAPPENING

H-Town: This book deserves to be shot into the sun

Me: the sun is too good for this book.
It should be dissolved in a vat of toxic compost
oh, and can I just take this opportunity to say
the next fucking time she writes "whoa, quick change of direction" when Christian changes the subject I am going to rent a tank and drive it through her house

H-Town: that and all these "holy fuck" and "holy shit" parts
sometimes in italics, sometimes not

Me: every one of these things has happened 800 times.
YOU ARE NOT SURPRISED ANYMORE
SHUT UP

H-Town: also, driveatank.com

Me: that is exactly what I needed, thank you kindly
so yeah, except for the fight about who is going to drive, that's the chapter.
A promotion that would never happen, followed by a doctor's visit that would also never happen

H-Town: Chapter 17 does not exist

Me: exactly. it is a bad dream I had, not something that was actually written down on actual paper
I’m glad, can you imagine if that was something we actually read?
I would have to impale myself on a stake

H-Town: this has all been a horrible, horrible dream

It's about to get worse. After I told my informant how outrageous I found the entirety of these two chapters she told me I haven't seen anything yet, and it's the next two chapters that are going to cause me to beg you all to decapitate me in the most gruesome manner possible.

I Do, However, Love The Game "Arguments With Friends"

Just an FYI: Blogger spell check corrected four words I had misspelled in this conversation alone

Fish: you should get words with friends
its basically scrabble
but you can lose to me

me: you're the hundredth person to say that and i will tell you what i told everyone else - i can't play any scrabble based games because i can't fucking spell

Fish: see
but this one
tells you when it's not a word
and it uses the scrabble dictionary
but if you try and make up a word
it is like "go fuck yourself"

me: but if i type a word that i know is a word and i just have it spelled wrong will it suggest "did you mean..."? like a normal online dictionary does?

Fish: no mam

me: yeah, not playing that

Fish: pussy

me: you are also forgetting that i am entirely antisocial and don't want to play much of anything with my friends
you'd be like "let's play a game!" and i'd be like "yes, let us both play a game...separately"

Fish: right
and you can
it's not real time
its almost like you are playing over email
you play a word
and then the other person plays a word when they have their ipad and 10 minutes to burn
i am playing one person right now who hasn't played a word in 10 days

me: oh good, because that's how long it would take me to figure out how to spell a word

Fish: Drama queen is actually 2 words

me: so is suck it

Spell Check Break

Blogger spell check doesn't like real Welsh words any better than the ones I made up. VOWELS, DAMN IT, USE VOWELS.

I Need New Hobbies, I Think.

I have no use for St. Pat's on the whole because I am not Irish and I am not Catholic and therefore it doesn't apply to me. The thing is I'm kind of torn about it because one thing I do enjoy having an occasion for is day drinking. The city of Chicago, where I live and dream, always celebrates St. Pat's on the preceding Saturday. The claim is that it's so children can see the river dyed green and the parade rather than holding those events on a school day. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on that and advance my own theory that this is how Chicagoans justify day drinking twice in one week, once on the sanctioned Saturday and then again on the actual holiday, in the hope that it will tide them over to the next made up holiday Cinco De Mayo.

For the past few years I've split the difference between my opposing views by going out day drinking with wrongly colored hair and a t-shirt that reads "Fuck you, you're Irish". But after being awakened just after 6 a.m. this Saturday by ALREADY drunk dickwads with presumably little or no Irish ancestry walking down my street and yelling, I decided that this year I would skip the jackassery and stay home by myself (the bartender not having the option to stay home because, well, he's a bartender). So I did.

What I did not do was to pair that decision with another one to also skip the day drinking. It is a designated day drinking day in Chicago, after all, and there is a mostly untouched handle of Captain sitting forlornly in my kitchen crying "Drink me, please, so I can fulfill my destiny". So I got with the pouring and sat down to watch WWII in Color on the Military Channel for reasons I can't explain even to myself. I was drunk by 2:30, which is right around the time I decided to e-mail the comic.

The comic and I have a storied history of drunk communication. He has a peculiar habit of calling me when he's on vacation and then putting someone else on the phone. On my end, since drunk dialing from here would normally wake him up because he's in the future, I've taken to drunk e-mailing. The thing is, I can barely spell when I'm stone cold sober and combined with drunk typing, most of my messages end up being incoherent. He finds the e-mails highly amusing and pulls his favorite phrases out of them to use against me on Facebook (such as the time I wrote "HOLTY FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!" for who knows what reason, which became his response to everything I posted for the next three days). Here is the message I sent him on Saturday:

"Im drun k. Im going to dfrunk work out and then drunk bake cookies becauase it's daydsrinking dau in chiACBGO. i can't find my cat. national lampoons christmas vcacation is on becausr thaT makes sense in march. OOOO CAT IS HERE!!!!! bye"


to which he responded "chiACBGO is the best spelling of Chicago I have ever seen".

Little known fact: there is a stage in my drunkenness that comes before the one where I am Loud that I call Ambition. Ambition is the time when I have the sudden urge to do things that my drunk brain considers constructive. And sometimes they are, such as when I decide to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! (by the way, if you're not reading Hyperbole and a Half I suggest you start doing so immediately). It is little known because it's usually short lived and I'm rarely in a position to do anything about it ("I should totally reupholster the dining room chairs right now!" I'll say to myself when I'm drunk in a different country from the one that has my chairs). In this case, the Ambition told me I should work out and then bake cookies, which in hindsight seems totally counterproductive. I did end up doing both of these things, plus a sink full of dishes. But the Ambition can only take you so far, and it did not take me far enough to actually put on workout clothes, or in fact any clothes. My workout attire was panties and a pair of socks with kitties on them. I'm sure it was very attractive. I did at least think to put some clothes on before I started baking. You can tell because if I hadn't, right now you'd most likely be reading a blog post about how I managed to get burn marks on my nipples from naked cookie making and that I'm so much more hardcore than the stupid Girl Scouts. I'm not, by the way, I'm just far more accident prone.

Blogger Spell Check Interlude

Just so you know, Blogger spell check thinks my imaginary tail should be attached to my Taliban rather than my tailbone. I have to say I disagree.

I Have Nothing to Say

You may have noticed I am incredibly boring lately. This is because nothing is happening to me.

Instead I offer this: Which is the more offensive word and why? Friggin or frikkin?

Discuss.

Not Feeling It Today

Today marks 13 years since I lost my mom to cancer. I wrote a whole thing about it over on MySpace, but I'm not really in the mood to talk about it anymore. I will say here what I said there:

Do me a huge favor and go hug your mom or call her and tell her that you love her. Because you can. You never know how much of a luxury that is until you lose it.

Sorry I'm not a barrel of monkeys today. I'll return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense tomorrow.
(P.S. Spell check wants to replace "MySpace" with "mishaps" which I think is a great idea.)

Blitzen

When I spell checked that last post, I learned that the suggested spelling for "Blitzen" is "Bludgeon".